Promises to Keep

by Maura McGiveny

  Paul's face changed and he looked astounded, then angry. 'What do you know about music?' he sneered. 'You have no appreciation of it. You don't know Chopin from Tchaikovsky!'

  'No, I don't,' Kathryn admitted, her smile really just a convulsive movement of her mouth. 'But I've heard you practising day after day. You're technically perfect, I'm sure, but there's always something missing, isn't there? Something even a person without an ear for music can hear. There's no—feeling, no power, no—emotion.'

  Paul stood up slowly, like an old man, staring blindly through her, full of an anger too terrible for words. 'You don't know what you're saying,' he whispered. But there was no conviction behind it and both of them knew it.

  'You spend so much energy hating your brother,' she said quietly, again struck by an unwilling compassion for him. 'Just think what it could sound like if you channelled that into your music.'

  He stood at the piano and his wide shoulders sagged. He held out his hands, looking at the long sensitive fingers, staring at them for a long moment before clenching them into powerful fists and crashing them down on the keys. 'It's always Logan, isn't it? He's got everything I ever wanted: money and power and position. He's got feeling and emotion and he doesn't have to be afraid to show it. He's never had to please anybody but himself to get it. He doesn't have to worry about an adoring public who change loyalties at the drop of a hat when some new virtuoso comes on the scene.' His eyes slid to hers and after a moment his mouth twisted into a hateful smile and he laughed mirthlessly. The smile abruptly vanished as he looked to some point behind her and his lip curled. 'But maybe he hasn't got it all,' he said softly in a meditative voice. 'He never really wanted those things. All he ever wanted was you. But he can't have you, can he? You hate him too.'

  Kathryn began to shiver, the stricken blue of her eyes the only colour in her face as she lifted it regally and lied through her teeth. 'That's right, Paul. He betrayed me—he and Carol. No one can expect me to forgive him for that.'

  His head snapped back, releasing something in him, and he flushed with pleasure. 'Once someone hurts you, it's impossible to forgive him. I'm glad you realise that.'

  She knew what he was trying to do. In an unsubtle way he was telling her never to forgive Logan. He couldn't know her love was such that she would forgive him anything, over and over, endlessly. Her whole body quivered and she tried to stiffen her spine so he wouldn't see it. She smiled, a painful silky smile that didn't reach her eyes. He needed to believe there would be no happiness for Logan. That was the only way he would leave and stay away for any length of time. 'That's right,' she said. 'And you hurt me too, Paul, by hurting Jon. I'll never forgive you for that.'

  Her expression disturbed him, the sick whiteness of her skin and the thin blue line of her mouth, the way she was holding herself so stiffly, but he smiled back, refusing to take her seriously.

  'I mean it, Paul. You're not welcome in this house any more—for as long as I live here.'

  His eyes again darted past her, narrowing on something, and his hands clenched at his sides. 'You're not really throwing me out?' he gasped.

  'Let's say I'm asking you to leave,' Kathryn said coldly. 'I want you gone before Logan comes home tonight.'

  'But—but—' His face whitened and he began to stammer.

  'If you go now, I won't tell Logan what you did to Jon.' Her voice was high and strained and she knew she couldn't take much more of this. She was exhausted, drained, her control was almost gone, her nerves stretched to their limit. 'Now, Paul. Please, go now.'

  He knew he was beaten, but he wasn't a good loser. His face twisted into a sneer. 'All right, I'm going. As you say, there's nothing here for me any more. But don't think your threat is making me leave. Logan and I came home together. He already knows.' His eyes blazed, then he roughly pushed past her and started for the door.

  A frown started to crease her forehead, but as she turned, her whole body clenched with a violent sickening lurch and it was wiped right off her face. Logan had been sitting behind them all the time, in a wing chair, listening to everything.

  Her chin lifted at once in a proud and fearless gesture that was purely instinctive. Shards of ice ran down her spine, making her whole body tingle and the hair at the back of her neck stand on end. She was utterly defenceless. Something was slowly coming unravelled deep inside her and there was no way to stop it.

  This was the end for them, then. He had to have heard everything she said with such conviction—her lies to Paul, her condemnation of himself, the way she kept saying she would never forgive him. There was no way to begin to explain now.

  She closed her eyes in despair. Logan deserved to be free of her, free to find a woman who could love him completely, the way he was meant to be loved, someone who trusted him, and once that trust was given, never to withdraw it no matter what she thought she saw.

  Carol hadn't lied to Paul when she said Logan had never touched her. Kathryn knew it without a doubt, without the slightest uncertainty now. It wasn't Logan with Carol in the moonlight. Now she could see it without blinkers, now that it was too late. Logan wouldn't have done that to her. He loved her. He had always loved her. But she hadn't loved him enough to trust him, to go to him and tell him what she had seen and ask him to explain. All the jagged pieces of the puzzle relentlessly fell into place.

  He hadn't rejected her all those years ago by taking what Carol offered. Kathryn had rejected him. She had been such a coward, so afraid to face the truth, so afraid to let herself be loved.

  That was all it was. He was Logan Ramsey, a strong, powerful, wealthy man, better in her eyes than anyone else in every way, so far above her. She couldn't believe he could love an insignificant person like herself, so in a moment of self-preservation she had jumped at the first chance to leave him. And now that she knew what love was all about, that rich or poor, love was a total commitment to selfless giving, it was too late.

  She opened her eyes and watched him slowly rise to his feet and come towards her without haste. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days. He was pale and drawn, with lines of exhaustion etched at the sides of his mouth and eyes that were curiously bleak. His navy blue business suit was crushed and wrinkled. The vital blackness of his hair stood out as if he had been dragging his hands through it.

  She started to tremble, her stomach fluttering nervously as he advanced, and a sense of panic gripped her. More than anything she wanted to fling herself into his arms and beg his forgiveness, but if she so much as touched him she knew she would break down, screaming, in front of him.

  He stopped within an arm's length of her and stood looking into her distended eyes silently, without moving. Tall and lean and disruptively attractive, he seemed content just to stand there, his unreadable eyes moving from her stricken face to the shallow rise and fall of her breasts beneath the white blouse, lingering there a moment before travelling up again and narrowing on her trembling lips.

  'You saw me with Carol?' he said, his mouth shaking as if the words were forced from him.

  Kathryn hesitated. 'I saw Paul with Carol.' Her voice broke on a sob.

  Logan couldn't help himself. His expression changed to one of blazing anger and his chilling blue eyes swept her face. 'Then—why?'

  'Why what?'

  'Kathryn,' he grated, his hands roughly clamping on her shoulders as if he wanted to shake her until her teeth rattled. 'Why did you condemn me? If you knew it was Paul, why did you leave me? Why?'

  She gazed at him with tremulous eyes. 'I didn't know it wasn't you. Not then.'

  The anger left his face and was replaced by a fleeting incredulity. He snatched his hands away from her as if burned. 'When did you—begin—to have doubts?' he said unevenly.

  'When—when I saw Paul for the first time. I knew you had a brother, but I didn't know you were a twin! You never told me. I couldn't believe it. And then I—I thought I might have been mistaken. It must have been him, not you.'

  'But you weren't sure? Even t
hen? You thought I could do that to you?' Logan spoke rapidly, through clenched teeth, coming closer to her quivering body so her face was a mere breath away from his. 'You thought I could betray the love we had in such a way?'

  His face was contorted with bitter loathing, and Kathryn could only move her head helplessly from side to side as tears welled up in her eyes. 'I'm sorry, Logan,' she whispered. 'I didn't know.'

  'You're sorry! You didn't know! What kind of empty words are those? Do you think by saying them that justifies what you did, what I had to go through searching for you all over the world for five miserable years? You're sorry?'

  His eyes blazed such cold blue fire it had to melt the ice choking her heart. She shuddered into stillness, bereft and angry, and looked at him with a grim, cold dignity.

  'I won't ask for your forgiveness, then, Logan.' Her voice throbbed and she stiffly backed away from him. 'It's so easy for you to stand here condemning me, isn't it? You're so righteous. Go ahead and despise me—it's all I deserve. But while you're at it, just remember you didn't trust me either. When I asked you if you'd been Carol's lover before you married her, all you had to do was tell me you weren't. But you couldn't trust me with the truth, could you? You were afraid to tell me Jon wasn't your son. You expected me to betray you.'

  A spasm of pain crossed his face as he stood looking down at her, and all at once it suffused with the dull red blood of shame. He trembled, and without thinking, his arms lifted in an imploring gesture.

  Kathryn took another step backwards, and after a defeated moment his hands dropped lifelessly to his sides.

  'You're right, Kathryn.' His jaw hardened and his mouth moved in a grimace that was meant to be a smile. 'I wouldn't accept your apology, but here I am, wanting you to accept mine. Isn't that a laugh?' He looked at her distractedly. 'But, God, I really am sorry!'

  She remembered the last time he had said that to her. Had it been only last night? It seemed a lifetime ago. She could tell he suddenly remembered it too by his haunted, agonised expression. Then his eyes closed and his breath became ragged and he buried his face in his hands.

  'You must hate me,' he whispered.

  Kathryn was appalled. 'Hate you?' Her head moved from side to side in a tremulous denial. 'No, Logan, I don't hate you. I wish I could—it might make it easier for me. I thought I hated you once, all those years ago, and then I wondered if I ever really loved you. The only thing I've ever been sure of is that you loved me.'

  Logan slowly dropped his hands, his eyes holding hers silently for a long minute before taking a hesitant step towards her, his face ghostly white. 'Oh Kathryn! I do love you!' His voice broke and she suddenly found herself caught up in his crushing embrace, her head pressed savagely against his shoulder, his fingers helplessly bunched in the tangled black cloud of her hair. She could hear his heart racing in his chest and feel its throbbing against her temple. He lifted her tear-wet face to his and trembled. 'My Kathryn!' He tried to smile, but with a helpless exclamation his lips fastened on hers, clinging, prising open her mouth, losing himself in her sweetness. His hard body curved around hers as if he would absorb her into himself completely.

  And every nerve in her body clamoured in passionate answer to his silent questions. She was his. She had always been his. Her heart hammered in her throat and drummed in her ears. Her arms slid around his waist as a wild sweet urgency ran through her. Mindlessly, her fingers dug into the rippling muscles of his back. He was real, he was here, he was hers!

  She never knew how long they stood like that, but she willingly would have given anything to make it last for ever. When eventually Logan loosened his grip and let her draw a little away, still within the circle of his arms, she was panting and breathless. 'I thought I'd lost you,' she whispered shakenly. 'The things I said to Paul— and last night—'

  'Paul's known that about his music for years now. He needed to hear it from you, a virtual stranger. Maybe now he'll work on it. As for last night—I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Oh God, Kathryn!' He rested his forehead against hers and tightened his arms. 'You were right—it would have been rape. I never thought I was capable of such a thing.'

  'You weren't, Logan. When it came right down to it, you couldn't hurt me.' Her face changed. 'It never was Paul. You believe that, don't you?'

  'I heard the way you threw him out of here.' He shrugged his wide shoulders helplessly. 'I have to believe it.'

  A brilliant red ran into her face. 'I know it was presumptuous of me. I had no right to throw him out of his own house, but I couldn't help myself. I was so furious. He tried to hurt Jon—' She broke off, shuddering, and Logan held her closer.

  'He expected Jon to spend the night in the forest?'

  She nodded, her hair brushing against his face. 'He told him, since you love it so much, if he could stay there the night, alone, without being afraid, that would prove he was your son once and for all.' She buried her face in his chest and clung to him, remembering. 'He's just a little boy, Logan. And to ask him to do such a thing—'

  'You went after him and you found him and brought him back to me. That's all you have to remember. Forget the rest.' Logan cupped his hands around her face, his long fingers disappearing in her hair, and his eyes blazed a deep burning blue as they roamed over it. 'You didn't have to think twice about going after him, I'm sure. You knew he'd be terrified—as you must have been. Only a real mother would have done that.' The harshness and strain left his face and a white smile softened his features. 'And now Paul's gone, but you'll still be right there, ready to protect Jon from all the other things waiting to threaten him. You're his mother.'

  'And you're his father,' she said with a quickening breath. 'I convinced Paul.'

  'You convinced me!'

  Her shoulders lifted and a tremulous smile came and went. 'When I'm angry, I tend to react without thinking.'

  'So I've noticed.'

  She knew he was thinking about the way she had left him without a word all those years ago, and her face flamed as she looked him full in the face. 'I've said and done so many stupid things. Can you ever forgive me?'

  'What's to forgive, Kathryn? I love you. That's all there is.'

  'You can still say that—after—after the way I misjudged you? First with Carol and then—Margaret—' She let the name hang in the air between them.

  'I had no choice with Carol,' he said softly. 'She was pregnant with Paul's child and there was no way he could marry her. She came to me and demanded help. Since you'd disappeared so completely, I did the only thing I could do. I married her and gave her the Ramsey name. But I never touched her, Kathryn—not once. Since the day you promised to marry me, there's never been another woman. Margaret tried, I'll admit that, but I wasn't even tempted. I chose you a long time ago, and I've never regretted that choice.' He smiled and his eyes held hers, then with the utmost mendacity he said: 'I knew you loved me—even when you wouldn't let me near you. I just needed the patience to wait until you were ready.'

  Unexpectedly Kathryn's eyes filled with tears. 'I don't deserve that. I've been so stupid and blind and proud. I ruined everything.'

  'Nothing's ruined, my love.' His mouth moved against her hair and when he felt her quivering, he wrapped his arms around her and held her in the warm secure circle. 'It's all just beginning.' His lips trailed over the long curve of her neck and teased the line of her jaw with seductive mastery before letting her move to fully return his kiss.

  Her toes barely touched the floor as she arched against him, her mouth finding his with hungry passion. Her hands were resting on his chest and somehow his shirt buttons became unfastened and her fingers mindlessly slipped beneath the material and dug into the damp, burning warmth of his skin. A flicker of wild forbidden excitement ran through her. She remembered the silken feeling from last night and she suddenly wanted to lie naked with him and feel the length of his flesh against every inch of hers.

  'You once promised to love me, Kathryn,' Logan said shakily. 'It'
s there again in your eyes and I can feel it in the pounding of your heart. Will you be my wife and let me love you the way you were meant to be loved?'

  She shuddered with ultimate longing. The past was truly gone. All the mistrust might never have happened. It was a new beginning, as he said. 'Oh, my darling,' she said against his lips, 'I promise to love you all the days of my life.' She turned and pulled him blindly towards the stairway before he impatiently swept her up into his arms, desire blazing in his laughing eyes. 'And a promise is for ever.'

  Table of Contents

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  Unnamed