by Seven Steps
“No? So what is it?”
“Letters.”
“Ah, letters.” She wrapped the white lace around the flower, and used her silver glue gun to close the seam. “Letters to who?”
“Noah.”
“Ah, Mr. LaRock. You two still keep in touch?”
“No.”
“But you write him letters?”
“I don’t mail them.”
“Ah.”
Janice put down her flower project and stretched her back. She pulled her long, red, heavy hair up into a bun on top of her head, securing it with the hair tie she always wore around her wrist. She took off her glasses and shimmied up the bed, lying down beside her daughter.
“Come to me now, lass,” she said, her Irish coming in a bit stronger now.
Cassie sighed, put down her notebook, and cuddled into her mother’s arms.
“How long are you going to nurse your broken heart?” Janice whispered.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get over Noah.”
“You won’t if you keep yourself up here shut up with your notebooks.”
“It’s the only way that I feel closer to him.”
“And has he written to you?”
She shook her head.
“Aw, cheer up, dear. There are only two ways to end this pain. Either write your letters, mail them, and be done with it, or don’t write them at all.”
Cassie snuggled closer to her mother, hearing her words, and dismissing them.
She had no intention of mailing her letters. It was over, in the worst possible way.
She buried her face in her mother’s rose scented night gown and cried.
Chapter 54
Noah
The stack of letters at Noah’s side had grown over the last few weeks.
Piles and piles of papers, all filled with the yearnings of his heart. A box of fresh notebooks sat in one corner of his room. He’d been filling them up daily. With each letter, he felt a little more at peace, a little calmer.
Most of the letters were to Cassie. He thought that a few days apart might lessen the ache in his chest that came when he thought of her. As the weeks went by, the ache just grew, forming a callus over his heart until he could feel nothing but the loss of her. The days rose, the nights fell. Her face taunted him, called to him, cried to him. He dreamed of her at night, and fantasized about her during the day.
He was sure that he was slowly losing his mind.
Two papers on his left were to Walter. Although his life ended with such violence, he lived his life with gusto and determination. Noah couldn’t deny that he loved the old man, even in death. Though, no matter how he tried, he couldn’t conjure the one emotion he thought he should be feeling, guilt. He’d killed Walter. He’d killed him because he was going to kill Cassie.
He often asked himself if he would do it again if he could. The answer always came without hesitation, without thought. Yes. When it came to Cassie, the answer was yes. I would save her every day if I had to.
And for that, he stayed away, writing her letters every day, hoping, one day, to actually deliver them. He didn’t know when that day would be.
She needs time, he thought. She needs time to heal.
And so he wrote, and counted down the days. Her graduation was only a few months away. He’d promised her that he’d be her first patient when she became a doctor. He hoped he would be able to fulfill his promise.
Chapter 55
Cassie
Time passed.
Heavy snow gave way to spring rains.
Cassie’s heart began to heal. Although Noah was never far from her mind, his memory gave her time to breathe now and then. She still wrote to him every day. It made missing him easier. She smiled more, and began building a relationship with her new step-father. Ben was a sweet man, constantly fussing over her mother as if she could do nothing for herself. Cassie saw that her mother adored the attention. They gazed at each other like they’d been best friends their entire life.
She remembered that look. Noah and she had shared it in another life, a long, long time ago.
At summer’s end, Cassie walked up the stairs at the Yale Bowl in New Haven, Connecticut. She accepted the small piece of paper from her favorite professor.
She had graduated from Yale Medical School, and after a few years of residency, she would be eligible to take the exam to be a full-fledged doctor.
Ben and her mother waved from the audience, their smiles wide, their hearts full of pride.
Pride welled in her heart. She had done it. She’d taken one more step toward accomplishing her dream. She’d graduated medical school. After all she’d sacrificed to be here, this moment had come. She stood frozen on the stage, committing the moment to memory. The smell of the summer heat on stone benches, the smiles in the audience, the feel of the smooth diploma in her hand. She didn’t want to forget a thing.
A pair of sea blue eyes gazed at her from the crowd.
She knew it was him, could feel it. They shared a smile and a nod before he disappeared. Her heart broke a little, but didn’t shatter. For that she was thankful.
She stepped down from the stage to join her classmates in their seats. At the end of the ceremony, they threw their hats into the air, blue rain that fell back to earth and slammed into the tops of their heads.
Joy filled her heart, pride filled her thoughts.
Just call me Doctor Washington.
Chapter 56
After weeks of searching, Cassie was accepted as the new resident with the Fallon Group, joining the team of four pediatricians there. The practice was in the inner city of New Haven.
When she walked in on her first day, the receptionist greeted her warmly.
“Good morning, Cassie,” the older black woman said. “I have your charts for the day whenever you’re ready.”
Cassie grinned. “Thank you, Jeannette.”
She walked to her office. The gold plate on the door read ‘Cassie Washington, MD.’ She ran her fingers over it, the lettering rough beneath her fingertips.
She wanted to scream with joy.
That’s me.
She sat down at her desk, feeling the cool, smooth oak. The office only had a small window, but it would do. What mattered was that it was her office. She was here. Two more years and she could take her state board exams, get licensed, and finally, officially become Doctor Cassie Washington. She was so close she could taste it.
She looked at the clock and remembered her nine o’clock appointment.
Dropping her purse, she adjusted her white medical jacket and walked out of the office toward exam room number one. She picked up the chart that sat in a basket bolted to the door.
It was empty.
She quickly made her way back to the receptionist area.
“Jeanette,” she said. “The chart’s empty.”
Jeanette shrugged, her expression oddly amused. “I think I left the full chart in the exam room,” she said. “Do you want me to get it?”
“No, I can manage. Just be careful. We don’t want any HIPPA violations.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Sighing, Cassie walked back to the exam room, knocked twice, waited, and opened the door.
Inside, Noah sat on an old wooden chair, a nervous grin on his face.
“Doctor Washington, I presume.”
She ran to him, holding on for dear life. He felt like home.
He pressed his face into her neck, taking in the smell of her.
“Noah, what are you doing here?” she asked, her voice only a whisper.
“I told you that when you became a doctor, I would be your first patient.”
“But I’m not a doctor yet.”
“Close enough.”
She took a step back, her voice choked. She had dreamed of this moment for a year, and now that it was here, her mind raced.
Why didn’t you write? Why didn’t you call? Where have you been?
“Have you been okay?” she asked instead.
He nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been good. Another label picked me up, and I’m working on an album with Lester Riley. We’re having a good time. Money’s not what it used to be, but I’m making it work.” He paused. “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
“I got your letters.”
“Letters?”
“In the mail. I read every one of them.”
“You got my letters?” She gasped. “But how?”
She knew the answer before she finished the question.
Mother.
She vowed to tell Janice exactly what she thought of her meddling.
“You didn’t mean to send the letters?” he asked.
She shook her head.
He seemed disappointed. “Oh.”
They stood in awkward silence.
“Well, I, uh, wanted to tell you how proud I am. You’re living your dream. I always knew that you would.”
His eyes bored into hers. Those eyes. She could stare into them for a lifetime and never tire of them.
“You look great, Cas.”
“You too.”
Her heart grew heavy. Was this the same man who she’d fallen in love with? Had a year apart robbed them of words to say to each other?
“Bye, Cas.”
She didn’t know when they had clasped onto each other’s hands, but she felt him let go.
Felt him leave. Felt the tears fall down her face.
What happened? I thought I was stronger than this.
Cassie’s lips pressed together. She didn’t know why she suddenly felt very sick, why her heart beat so fast in her chest.
He was here. Noah was here.
She couldn’t help feeling like, somehow, she had just gotten a second chance, and irrevocably blew it.
Chapter 57
She hadn’t been able to get Noah out of her mind since his visit the day before. It didn’t help that he’d left his scent on her medical jacket.
Why didn’t he write me? she wondered. He said that he would. Maybe he didn’t miss me.
The thought pained her, haunting her the entire forty-five minutes it took to pull into her mother and Ben’s new house. She would be moving into her own small studio in a week. It was a tiny space close to her job, but it would be hers.
“Don’t get out of the car,” her mother said, running from the house. She was wearing heels, her steps small in the morning sunshine.
Cassie kept the engine running and waited for her mother to climb in.
“Drive,” Janice said.
“I thought we were going to breakfast?”
“Not today. We’re going to the old house. There’s something you need to see.”
“Where’s Ben?”
“Golfing. Let’s go.”
Her mother clapped her hands, jovial in her powder pink dress and white heels.
“Why are you so excited?” Cassie asked.
“Just drive, lass. You’ll see when we get there.”
Cassie sighed and backed the car out of the driveway. The drive to the old house was only two minutes.
“What’s going on, Mom?” Cassie asked. She pulled the car into their old driveway and turned off the engine.
Her question was lost as her mother jumped out of the car and ran up the front stairs, dangling the keys above the lock.
“He did it all himself,” Janice said.
Cassie climbed out of the car, irritation beginning to build. “Who came?” she demanded. “What’s going on?”
“Hurry up, baby!” Janice cried.
Cassie took the keys from her mother and opened the door.
Though the house was devoid of furniture, rose petals covered the foyer.
Cassie’s heart skipped a beat. “Who did this? Ben?”
“Don’t be daft, lass. Follow them.”
Cassie followed the rose petal path. It led up to her old room. The door was closed.
She put her hand on the cool brass knob and pushed the door open.
The walls, previously powder blue, were covered in letters. Hundreds upon hundreds of hand written letters, all tacked to the wall with pushpins. They extended from the ceiling to the floor. Pictures of Noah and her were taped to the ceiling. Screenshots of text messages, still in draft, covered the floor. A bouquet of roses sat in the center of it all.
Surprise gave way to wonder.
She walked to the far wall and pulled out a red pushpin that held several pieces of paper.
Dear Cassie,
I miss you so much that I can barely breathe. I often wonder if you are tormented the way I am. I smell your sunflower perfume sometimes when I’m out. It always makes me happy. I pray every day that things can go back to the way they were before it all went wrong. But it never will. You’re not here, and I’m not there. It makes me wonder if I’m anywhere at all.
Dear Cassie,
Please come back.
Dear Cassie,
I was going to write to say how sorry I was about your father, but I’m not sorry. I loved Walter. He was my mentor, my friend. But I would do the same thing a thousand times over if it would keep you safe. Please believe that I only wanted to keep you safe.
There were hundreds of letters. She pulled each letter down, read it, wept, then read it again.
She felt her mother kneel next to her, put her arms around her.
“Oh, sugar,” she said.
“I’ve lost him,” Cassie cried. “I’ve lost this.”
“No, darling. Love like this doesn’t get lost, just misplaced for a while.”
“I miss him so much, Mama.”
“I know, dear. But life is about doing, not missing.”
“I saw him yesterday at the office.”
“You did?”
“It wasn’t the same. What if it will never be the same again?”
“Oh, baby, if it’s not what it was before, then make it better.”
Cassie shook her head. It was perfect before. How could it be better?
“I’m going to go get us some coffee. I’ll be right back.”
Her mother rose and left her alone in a room surrounded by Noah’s declarations of love for her.
He loved her. This room proved it. What was holding her back? Before, it had been her becoming a doctor. What was holding her back now?
She pulled out her phone, intending to call him, when she heard a knock downstairs.
Blowing out a breath, she pushed herself up.
Had her mother locked herself out?
She jogged down the stairs and pulled the door open.
An older, grey-haired woman smiled back at her.
“Hello. Are you Cassie Washington?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh, thank goodness. You’re here.”
“Can I help you?”
“Pat Fauna. I’m a lawyer representing Mr. Noah Bronner. I’m here to help you complete the paperwork on your new property.”
“Property?” she stuttered.
“Yes, a,” she flipped open a leather bound folder, “hundred-acre farm in Fairfield.”
“A farm?”
“I love the way you repeat things. It’s quaint.” Pat stepped past Cassie, made her way to the bar in the kitchen. “If you can just come with me and sign these papers, we can head up there.”
“Head—”
“Don’t you say it.” Pat smiled. “Now, here’s a pen. We have a lot to talk about.”
***
Cassie spent the rest of the afternoon signing paper work, clearing all of the letters and pictures from her old room, and crying in her mother’s arms.
By the end of the afternoon, only one thought lodged in her brain.
I have to see him.
They loaded into Pat’s SUV and settled in for the drive to Fairfield. Pat made small talk with Janice, both women deciding to leave Cassie to her thoughts.
Cassie didn’t know how much time had passed when they finally drove under a sign that read ‘Cassie’s Fa
rm’ in painted on gold letters.
“Cassie’s Farm.” Her mother smiled. “Cassie, he did all of this for you.”
A dirt road led past fields of tall wheat and corn.
Further ahead, a two-story farmhouse was painted deep blue with white shutters. Further afield, a red barn sat on the left, and a carpet of sunflowers on the right.
He did it, she thought. I can’t believe he did this for me.
They pulled in front of the farmhouse.
Noah sat on the porch in a rocking chair, his feet gently pushing the chair back and forth.
“Maybe we should give you two a minute,” Pat said.
Her mother nodded encouragingly. “Go on, dear.”
She climbed from the car, approached the stairs.
Time slowed. She hoped it would stay that way.
“You came.” Noah’s face stretched into a wide smile.
“Pat came and got me,” Cassie replied.
“I figured she did.” He stood, descended the stairs, stood in front of her. “Walk with me?” he asked.
She nodded, and side by side, they covered the distance between the house and the yellow flowers.
“How do you like it?” he asked.
“It’s amazing. It’s everything I ever dreamed.”
“And it’s all yours, Cas. Every acre, every seed, every tree, every blade of grass. It’s all yours. My last big purchase. All for you.”
“Why did you do this?”
“Because I love you. I wanted to make you happy.”
“And the letters?”
“You saw that, huh?”
“Kind of hard to miss.”
“Well, those I wrote because I missed you. Through that entire year, you were never far from my mind.” He shrugged. “Some things never change, I guess.”
They stopped at the first row of sunflowers.
“So what now?” she asked.
“That’s up to you. The house is yours, no strings attached. It’s fully staffed and running well. Who knows, you may even turn a profit.”
“And you?”
“I’m heading back to LA the day after tomorrow.” His eyes rose to her, blending in with the summer sky. “But, if you want me to stay, I will,” he said. “If you want me to go, well, then, I’ll do that too.”