I smiled back. I couldn't help it. She tried so hard. It was kind of cute, if not extremely desperate.
"Hey there," she said, trying to sound casual, but I'm sure she rehearsed that greeting as well.
"Hi Mare," I greeted her, hearing my accent come through as I abbreviated her name; reminding me briefly of the years I grew up in Boston.
She stood, pretending to stretch—unsure what to do. Most girls would have done that as a maneuver to make me ogle their body. Marie was far too self-conscious and awkward for that. I wondered how much interaction she had with the opposite sex in high school. Considering she was into… gymnastics, or cheerleading or whatever it was, I figured not a lot, at least not straight dudes.
I made it easy on her—I pulled her over to me and kissed her. I wasn't looking forward to the small talk that came with these little sessions anyway.
Wasn't I supposed to stop this? I forced the thought from my mind and started paying attention to Marie. Her lips were small and soft; she was a decent enough kisser, but then again, most girls were. But this was really just to kill time. Then I thought about New Girl and did something uncharacteristic.
I pulled back from Marie to chat.
"I feel bad–" I started, not knowing where this conversation was headed. Marie just looked at me, small lips formed into a comical o, eyebrows raised in question.
"Julie," I started. I didn't know why I had started this. Talking to Marie was bad enough, but talking to her about this girl I didn't even know was probably not the nicest thing.
"Julie?" she prompted quietly.
"New Girl… the uh, new girl in our group. She's just not feeling well I guess. I just ran into Michelle before I came in here."
"Oh… okay, that's… too bad?" Marie said, confusion etching her face. There was something else in her expression too that I couldn't put my finger on.
"I don't know why I just brought that up," I said, taking her hand and guiding her to sit down next to me. I felt bad for a different reason now. She always wanted to talk, wanting to build some type of bond with me, but the first time I initiated conversation it had to do with another girl entirely.
"I guess I just know what that feels like," I admitted, more for myself than for Marie. I turned to her once more and gave her a small grin, "you look really pretty."
That did the trick. A smile broke out across her face before she could stop it, as she dropped her eyes to the ground. I nudged her chin up with my finger and leaned in to kiss her again. The word harmless flashed across my mind but I let it drift by as I moved my lips against hers.
Julie
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Although the bruising had healed, I still had dark circles under my eyes. My complexion had a grey tinge to it. My hair looked stringy. I went back to my duffel bag in search of a comb. The moment I bent over I tasted stomach acid in my mouth.
I ran back to the bathroom but only made it as far as the threshold before throwing up in my hands. I hurried over to a toilet as the purge continued. It wasn't long before I was dry heaving into the water with nothing left in my system. All the nerves in my body were screaming for a release. I was shaking and sweating, silent tears falling down my cheeks. That's when Michelle walked back in.
Michelle slid the water next to me. I hadn't heard her enter over the white noise of the overhead fan, but seeing the water glass emerge from the corner of my eye startled me though my body hardly reacted. My mind and my body were two separate entities. I saw my hand reaching for the water. My mind told me not to; I knew that taking a sip of that water would trigger the vomiting all over again. I felt the icy cold liquid sliding down my throat.
It stayed down for only a moment, before the heaving started again.
* * *
Twenty minutes later, I sat up in bed, sipping the ginger ale very slowly.
"Take a few more minutes, change your clothes, brush your teeth and I'll take you over to the main hall. Dinner is over in a few; so don't worry about having to eat. We'll go introduce you, then you can come back and sleep."
I slowly nodded my response to Michelle. I was scared to talk in case the ginger ale decided to creep its way back up my throat.
* * *
At eight o'clock I entered the Main Hall with fresh eye makeup covering my dark circles and hair combed and straightened. I knew I passed for fine on the outside, but inside I felt vulnerable, like there was a disease eating away at me. Right now it only showed in my hands. I wondered when they would stop shaking.
The room was full of teenagers, ranging in every way possible: age, color, size. There was a staircase that went up to a large loft lined with bookshelves. Both levels were full of teens at tables doing homework and sitting on couches and in armchairs reading. My eyes stopped halfway across the room.
There was a boy sitting in an armchair reading a book, relaxed with his legs stretched in front of him. He looked to be over six feet tall and gorgeous. I didn't know who he was… but I wanted to.
JONATHAN
I felt the hairs at the back of my neck stand up and looked up from my book slowly. I looked around the room, feeling someone watching me. I instinctively looked over at Marie, but she was sitting at a table with Anthony, both of them trying to get through some English assignment. We didn't currently have classes, but she never stopped her tutoring sessions for Tony.
I looked further back into the room and found a set of eyes staring back at me. It was New Girl. Her gaze was boring into mine and it didn't shy away when our eyes met. I felt like I couldn't turn away from her either.
New Girl followed Michelle deeper into the room. She was getting closer and closer to me and that's when I saw the smug realization spread across her face that I was in her group.
"Hey guys," Michelle greeted everyone. Everyone in the group immediately stopped what they were doing. We had been wanting to meet Julie all day, "so Julie, this is the gang: Marie, Anthony, Jason, and Jon."
Julie obediently looked around at the other students, but couldn't keep her gaze from lingering on me a moment longer. Whether intentional or not, she licked her lips.
"It's nice to meet all of you," Julie started, forcing her head around to the others. I took the reprieve and quickly looked down at my book, intent to not lock gazes again.
Julie walked around our little area, checking out the place where she was supposed to spend a majority of her time. I didn't look back up from my book, trying my best to seem uninterested. She walked up to the table where Marie and Tony sat and slid onto the surface, essentially blocking Marie from any conversation.
"You know there are empty chairs around," I commented, not looking up from my book. I wasn't sure if I felt defensive over Marie, but it bothered me that she chose to sit there, front and center. During her saunter over, I didn't miss the male heads turn in her direction from my peripheral vision. She was going to have the entire male population of Horizons drooling over her.
To my point, Jason quickly jumped out of his seat, "Here! No problem… I was going to… go sit over there anyway." Julie looked at Jason skeptically, but dutifully slid off the table and dropped into the newly vacated armchair.
"So Julie, why are you here?" Marie asked her. There was a heat in her tone that I had never heard before. I flashed back to the look I saw on her face earlier when I brought up Julie.
"Wow, Ms. Marie, what a forward question," Julie stated, giving Marie's gaunt body a quick once over. Marie didn't say anything, just stared Julie down. I had never seen this mean-girl act from her before. It was a little unnerving after being around her for a few months.
"Well, you know… I was a ballerina. I lived on the estate with Mommy and Daddy and dancing was the only thing I knew. But… Christmas rolled around and I wasn't picked as main Swan. Obviously because of my weight. Mommy and Daddy were so disappointed…" Julie paused, showing how distraught she was over this memory, "so I knew I had to lose the weight by any means necessary…."
Julie put
her head in her hands, to hide her tears.
"Wait, you're a dancer?" Marie choked out, the jealousy now fully palpable.
Julie let out a sob from behind her hands before she looked up and everyone could see it was a laugh, "No."
She was faking.
We looked at her smile her gorgeous smile as she rolled her eyes, "Well... not anymore," she admitted, "I stopped dancing about two years ago. But that's not why I'm here… I just wanted to know why you were here… judging by that tone of jealousy, I think I figured it out."
"That's fucked up," I commented, still not looking up.
"She was just kidding," Jason started to defend the attractive blonde. Of course, she didn't notice. She got the rise she wanted. She was baiting me and I had played into it.
"I'm sorry, handsome. I didn't mean to upset you and those big muscles of yours," Julie said, staring at me. I tried to avoid her eyes when I looked up, but they hooked me immediately. The fact that she affected me so easily made me angry.
"So why are you here?" I repeated Marie's unanswered question. Normally, I wouldn't ask something so personal, but I was frustrated by the beauty. I hated pushy girls—there wasn't a bigger turn off to me.
"Well aren't you persistent?" Julie said, staring into my eyes, she licked her lips seductively, this time was intentional, "so am I."
I managed to roll my eyes and turn back to my book. I wasn't actually reading, and it took everything I had not to look back at her and try to figure out what color those eyes were. They were almost grey, maybe with a hint of blue, but I couldn't have her look into my eyes anymore. It was like she saw through me, like she was reading my mind and trying to expose me the longer she stared.
Julie
I was relieved when Jon looked away again. I couldn't keep my game up and I regretted starting it. I felt a cold sweat form on my face. I hoped no one would notice the sheen since the room was dimly lit. A wave of nausea flooded me again so I concentrated on breathing deep.
"Julie?" I heard Michelle's tentative voice.
I looked up quickly to see the whole group staring back with puzzled looks, "huh?"
"I asked why you stopped dancing?" Michelle repeated her question, clearly regretting it when she saw the look that flashed across my face. I was too weak to keep up my long-ago-mastered poker face.
"Oh, sorry, I'm in a daze…. I uh, stopped dancing because of drugs," I stammered, losing my cool.
"Drugs?" Jon asked, looking up at me again. I avoided his eyes.
"Yup, you got me. I confess," I said. Taking another deep breath, the nausea let up a tiny bit, "I was doing a lot of drugs, skipping school, and there was this disappearing act I did for a few months…." I paused for a moment, thinking about my family abandoning me in the hospital. I shrugged.
"My mom didn't think she could handle me anymore. And I guess she didn't want me around my little sister," it was weird to hear myself admit that. I don't know why I admitted that.
"What about your dad, he didn't want you either?" Marie asked, a snide tone in her voice this time.
"No princess, he's just dead," I said flatly. I actually heard the life leave my voice at that declaration. It was surprising to know how much my father's death still affected me years later.
I was done playing games. I lifted my hands to pull my hair back in a ponytail. Underneath my hair was wet from the sweat I couldn't stop. I quickly let my hair fall back around my face. My hands were shaking uncontrollably.
Pull it together; I scolded myself with an internal sigh. I quickly stood up, wanting to distract everyone from my body that was clearly falling apart. It was betraying me, but I couldn't let them see how weak I was.
"So… how much does it suck living here," I asked, looking around again, "spending nights in this ugly room, with all of these people. Talking about your feelings and experiences all day and having nothing to numb your mind to it all?
"There's really nothing here? Anywhere? Some guy I can get some secret stash from? A little weed, a cigarette, nothing?" I ended, knowing the answer.
"Nah. But that feeling will pass," Jason said with sincerity, "It blows, but you'll get over the cravings eventually."
I let out a little laugh, "I see the river runs deep here. Well, since you all seem to understand how I feel, I think I have to excuse myself and get some sleep." I was completely wiped out. I finally pulled my hair back into that ponytail and looked around at my new forced family. I pulled out my award winning smile, not quite sure if it was contrived or genuine, "it was nice to meet all of you, goodnight."
"I'll walk you back," Michelle offered.
"You know, it's okay," I really wanted to be alone, "I have a good sense of direction, I'll be fine."
And with that, I walked away from the group.
JONATHAN
I looked after her. Everyone went back to their previous activities. I, however, wanted one last glance. There were two Julie's, and the one that had just left (the honest, vulnerable one) was someone I realized I wanted to get to know.
She was the real Julie. Not the one acting arrogant and comfortable in her own skin. That girl was the furthest thing from comfortable in her own skin.
I was also here because of a bout with drugs— among other things. I knew what it was like to give up on hobbies and goals for the feeling of nothingness. No one works hard at something for most of their lives to throw it away on drugs for no reason. I rolled my eyes internally, Julie was right, the river did run deep. I wasn't sure when this place started to rub off on me.
Something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye; I looked over to see Marie staring at me. I winked at her quickly— if for no other reason than to make her stop staring at me; I hated when she did that.
Julie
I walked to my new quarters and surrendered to the nausea. The other two girls came home to find me on the bathroom floor, slumped over the toilet. Michelle quickly grabbed a change of clothes, and they helped me change, wash my face, brush my teeth and put me to bed.
Michelle and Marie got ready quickly and quietly that night. There was nothing to say, it was just life. And Marie was more than a little frightened.
I was somewhere between sleep and consciousness. I didn't know what was dream and what was real. Suddenly, I was struck with a memory. A part of the past I was trying not to remember. A part of my story I hoped to suppress longer but I was too weak to trap it.
The guy was in his fifties, rich, perverted bastard, not caring how young I was. He was finished with me; he called me a slut, told me to get my filthy ass out of his house before his wife came home. He threw the cash at my feet.
I was walking down a dark street in Los Angeles, when a car pulled over, allowing me in. It was quick, in the car. I felt the money in my hand as I exited the backseat.
The memories kept coming, flashing across my mind like a movie reel. But the feelings were coming back to me also, now that there wasn't a drug in my system to numb them.
I was thrown face first onto a bed, silent tears streaming down my face onto my childhood comforter. My pajama bottoms were forcefully pulled off...
I ran straight for a toilet and puked while another movie played:
I followed a young girl into a run-down apartment building, cigarette in hand, trying to ignore the smell of the crack heads lining the hallway—shaking and pleading for another hit. We entered a small, dirty apartment with a small door-less bathroom and a tiny sink-less kitchen. There was a girl passed out on a fold-out couch. I sat down softly next to her, watching the other girl close and lock the front door that had an excessive number of locks considering the deep crack down the middle. I could hear a baby crying somewhere outside. The girl pulled out a bong and a lighter and we proceeded to get high enough to pass out.
A man was coming at me, dressed in an expensive suit. I felt the sting of his hand as he slapped my face. He demanded money, which I threw at him and turned to go, but he grabbed my arm, squeezing tight and pushing me b
ack towards the couch. He told me that I would learn my place.
I closed and locked the door behind me as I walked into the apartment. I placed my purse down, full of money and a vial of coke, and walked towards the bathroom, finding Kitty slumped on the floor. There were two needles next to her; she was ice cold.
I don't remember nodding off but it must have been very early in the morning when I pulled myself off the bathroom floor. I splashed cold water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was greasy, my eyes were bloodshot and I now had bags on top of the dark circles under my eyes. My skin still had a weird grey-green tinge to it. How did I get here?
I walked to my bed and crawled in, praying for sleep.
JONATHAN
"She was puking all night. She didn't leave the bathroom until this morning, I heard her," Marie told the group.
"Marie, shut up," Michelle hissed. If there was one thing I knew Michelle hated, it was gossip.
"I was like that my first couple of nights here also," Anthony informed her.
"I think all of us were, except for you," I nodded pointedly at Marie, "where is she anyway?"
"We let her sleep in, we thought she might be tired," Marie said, as if it were her idea. My words had bitten her and she didn't want me to think she was jealous or petty. Too late.
"I'm going to get her," Michelle said, failing to suppress an eye roll in Marie's direction.
"Don't," I said, "maybe she should sleep. It's not going to be easy for her to get up and do anything."
"I know, but…"
"You're not breaking any rules," Jason said, agreeing with me. Michelle remained seated.
When Jeff came over, he said it was okay to let Julie lay low for a day or so. She had been into hard drugs, and her body was going through a serious shock.
Unsound (Horizons #1) Page 3