Unsound (Horizons #1)

by Ashley Summers

  Chris nodded slowly and I could see him choosing his words carefully.

  “There’s one thing I’ve learned about you in this short period of time, Jules. You can’t be pressed. You’re going to talk about things in your own time. But just know that I’m here for you. Anything you wanna talk about that you’re not comfortable telling your therapist or Jon, but you wanna get off your chest. Just find me. No judgments.”

  He put an arm around my shoulder and my body stiffened.

  “I should get back to Jon,” I said slowly.

  “I’m not trying anything, Julie. Just lay down… take a few minutes to rest. You seriously look… exhausted,” he finished with a wink and a grin.

  I was suddenly too tired to argue, so I did what he said, and was rewarded with him petting my head in his lap until I dozed off.

  JONATHAN

  An hour later, I was crankier than usual.

  I was still sitting in the mostly empty cafeteria… the baby laid on the table. It wasn’t making noise so I let it sit. This is miserable. Julie said that she was going to take a walk, or a break or whatever. I assumed that she would be right back. I wanted to get started on our paper to speed up the process of this hell assignment.

  I looked out the window and was rewarded with a view of Marie and Anthony. They were sitting on a bench with books spread out in front of them. She was probably tutoring him, but one of his hands disappeared under the table and she smiled at him. I was sure that he just placed his hand on her thigh, maybe giving a little squeeze; a little secret show of affection. My ego flared, bringing my temper closer to the surface.

  I decided to take a walk and look for Julie; I got up and picked up the baby by its arm. Naturally this small action woke it up. Just like that, the cooing commenced. I hoped I could find her before it turned into a full-blown cry. I wanted to go on a run to clear my mind and get rid of some anger.

  I entered the common room and was instantly filled with rage. It filled me from the pit of my stomach up to my head. My skin flared red along with my eyesight.

  There was Julie, lying on the couch with her head in Chris’s lap. His hand rested atop her head and they had both dozed off. I hated how comfortable Julie was with Chris. I hated seeing intimacy between them. That should only be with me, I thought as I stalked off, back to the cafeteria.

  I paced, trying to squelch my anger. I had never tried this before, to control and tamp down the rage. I usually let it run its course, until I punched something or someone to get it out. I hated being jealous of another guy. I wished Julie would let her guard down for me. I hated that she wasn’t as guarded with Chris and that he found a way to break through her concrete guard walls. Even though Julie didn’t flirt with Chris or find ways to touch him like she did with me, he broke through to her. They had a connection. And she was relaxed enough to fall asleep with him on the couch, meanwhile neither of us had slept all week.

  The more I thought about it all, the more confused I felt, causing my anger to rise rather than fall. I wanted Julie to wake up. I wanted her back here with me. I wanted to stop feeling like this once and for all.

  Julie

  I stirred on the couch as the common room became louder as if someone had turned the volume dial on a radio. Sitting up, I looked at my watch. It was after lunchtime, which is why the common room filled up. I jumped up and said bye to Chris.

  I walked to the cafeteria to find Jon, alone at the table.

  “Hey,” I said as I approached. I was ready to apologize until I saw his evident anger as he ignored the crying doll on the table. This project gave me some insight into Jon the past couple of days. He was moody and sensitive and angry. It was never directed towards me, but Jon had a temper that bubbled over easily and I saw hints of it all week.

  “What was that?” Jon asked. His voice was quiet but it dripped with acerbity.

  I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I just stared at him blankly. I didn’t understand his ability to get angry so fast. It was a quality I didn’t naturally possess, but his rage radiated into me at that moment and ignited mine.

  “You don’t know what I’m talking about?” he asked me. I continued to stare, “you and Chris.”

  A faint flush started in Jon’s throat. He looked sheepish. Then it hit me: Jon’s jealous. He saw me on the couch with Chris and he was actually jealous. I continued to stare at him, no words coming to the surface, anger and confusion and a strange mix of glee clouded my speech.

  Jon stood abruptly, leaving the baby on the table and walked away.

  “Jon, what the f –”

  “Going on a run, catch you later,” Jon called over his shoulder as he left the main cabin.

  His mood swings were giving me whiplash.

  * * *

  I was still in the cafeteria when Jon came back from his run. We avoided eye contact during dinner, but as the mess hall emptied once again after the meal, we had to hunker down. It was night three with child and the paper loomed over us. Eventually the cafeteria was deserted except for us, which probably had to do with the crying baby.

  I was still angry with Jon for deserting me in the cafeteria. I didn’t understand. I fell asleep, I didn’t think that was a criminal offense.

  “This is the worst project I’ve ever had to do,” I heard Jon mumble into the table despite the volume of the cries. He was facedown, hands covering his ears. I rounded on him and pulled his collar so he would look up at me.

  “How the hell do you think I feel? You think this is an assignment I’m happy with? Relying on someone else for my grade? And if I get a bad grade because of you acting like a lazy asshole with anger management problems… I will not be happy.”

  I kept eye contact with Jon. I wanted him to see the seriousness of my words. Jon’s eyes darkened as I stared into them and I felt my pulse speed up. He cleared his throat.

  “You’re right,” he started, breaking eye contact, “I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick to you.”

  “Good,” I spat back, my voice sounding husky and breathless to my ears. Jon stood quickly to tend to the robot child.

  JON

  I had to stand and separate myself from Julie. If her eyes told me anything, it’s that she was as turned on as I was. Fifteen minutes later, I sat across from her; baby James fast asleep in his bassinet.

  “Okay, let’s start this paper.”

  “Alright,” she responded cautiously. She pulled the handout out of her notebook and started to read the assignment, “we’re newlyweds, we got married because you knocked me up and had to get married quickly before the baby was born. We’re eighteen; we didn’t go to the same high school so we don’t really know each other.

  “This paper is an exploration of each other as we try to handle the situation, blah, blah. So we need to write our papers about the other person, not ourselves. We have a list of questions to get us started. Blah, blah, blah.”

  It was hard to concentrate on what she was saying. I was paying attention to how her voice seemed weak and wavered as she read the assignment out loud. This project was going to force her to take her walls down and it didn’t sit well with her.

  I, however, perked up at the prospect of learning about Julie. Although there was a part of me that wasn’t sure I wanted to hear everything about her past, the other part of me was also dying to find out what made Julie tick. There was so much hidden behind her beautiful face – I wanted to know what was behind those guarded eyes of hers.

  Julie looked up from the paper and I looked away quickly, embarrassed. I had to stop staring at her. I grabbed the list of questions from her and glanced over them.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I asked, looking back into Julie’s eyes.

  She quickly broke eye contact, “sure,” she said, uncomfortable and shifting in her seat, “you are the father of my child, after all.”

  “Are you sure you’re ready to get so personal with me?” I asked quietly.

  Julie let her breath out in a hiss, “w
ell….”

  “I mean… I know you’re new and you still have your defenses up. I just want to know how serious you are about this… how deep you wanna get.”

  Julie didn’t respond right away. She was clearly thinking about my question, I could almost see the wheels turning in her head.

  “It’s okay, you can do me first,” I offered.

  “Um… okay,” she said, sliding the assignment paper back towards her but I stopped it with a slap on the table.

  “You’re nervous!” I stated with a laugh. I felt triumphant that I was finally able to read this girl.

  Julie glared at me, putting walls back up, but I didn’t care, “what makes you think I’m nervous?”

  “I mean, first of all, you let two softballs fly by you,” I smirked, not wanting to clue her into her tells, “’how deep’ and ‘you doing me first’…. Never known you to pass up innuendo.”

  Julie rolled her eyes, but I saw the blush on her cheeks, “okay, here’s an easy one. Where are you from?”

  “Boston,” I responded easily.

  “I thought you lived near Los Angeles,” she said, eyes shooting up to me. I loved her eyes. I had never seen grey eyes like hers before.

  “Yeah, I mean… I lived there most recently for a couple of years. But I was born and raised in the suburbs of Boston—this was before my parents were divorced.”

  “Hmm…I guess it makes sense…you have an accent sometimes. I always wanted to live out East – go to college out there.”

  “Oh yeah? Where’d you wanna go?” I asked. Julie looked down at her hands. I knew I couldn’t push her, but Julie had a glint in her eye when I mentioned Boston. I wanted to know more.

  “Nowhere really specific… maybe an Ivy League,” she added quickly and quietly.

  “Hit me with the next one,” I said, relaxing back in my seat. I could see the sense of relief wash over Julie’s body. It was a balancing game with her – to see how far I could push. I was learning her cues and could tell when she wanted a change of subject. I wanted Julie to know that I was reading her, that I could feel her want to change the subject. She wasn’t the only one who could read every thought that crossed through someone’s mind.

  “What did you wanna be growing up?”

  “Easy,” I said, stretching and stifling a yawn, “ball player.”

  “Oh, so gay porn, or…” Julie asked, a smirk on her beautiful face.

  “And she’s back,” I joked with a smirk of my own, leaning forward on my elbows, “Baseball or Football, smart ass. I liked both, was good at both. I don’t know which one I would have pursued though. Well, I guess whichever one pursued me,” I added with a shrug.

  “Did you ever get a girl pregnant before?”

  “That’s one of the questions?” I asked, eyebrows drawn together.

  “It’s one of mine… is that allowed?”

  “Yeah, I don’t see why not…” I responded with another shrug, “no. I haven’t,” I was looking at her face even as she looked down at her notebook, “Have you ever been pregnant?”

  “I didn’t think it was your turn yet,” she said, looking up, but training her eyes on my chin.

  “I was just reaching… sorry.”

  “Yup, well it’s still my turn,” she commandeered the interview back to her favor. “What kind of drugs were you into?”

  “Lots of pot…a little coke now and again, lots of molly. Tried acid, tried mushrooms. Alcohol was probably my gateway drug…you know…the usual.”

  She laughed at my joke, understanding the need to joke about it, before she took a deep breath.

  “When I was fourteen, I had a boyfriend. Josh. I was a freshman, he was a senior from a neighboring town… seventeen, had a car, was so cool. I was stupid, and thought I loved him. But I was also a dancer, and I was always very worried about my body. He was pressuring me to have sex but I was scared.”

  “So what happened?” I coaxed, surprised at her sudden burst of information. I hoped that she would finish the story by saying she broke up with Josh and he never laid a hand on her perfect body. No such luck.

  “I guess? Uh…” she paused, “he roofied me at a party. I woke up naked, sick, confused. He wasn’t there. He left me at the house the party was at.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked as calmly as I could possibly manage. I felt my blood pump white-hot lava through me.

  “I was stupid. I should have asked around to find out what kind of guy he was. I mean, it was my fault.” Julie’s meek voice broke through my reverie.

  “That’s not your fault!” I said, trying harder to swallow my anger and respond to her, “How can you think that?”

  Julie shrugged and continued with a quiet voice, “I don’t know. I mean… I was stupid to it was real, that he loved me back. I don’t really give it much thought,” she continued, brushing it off, “It’s just something bad that happened. There’s been a lot of bad that’s happened to all of us.”

  “Julie…” I started, the anger subsided to a dull hum by the sadness is Julie’s voice. It broke my heart, but it also calmed me so I could focus on her words. I pieced things together.

  “So wait. Does that mean he got you pregnant?” The blood started to pump in my ears again. I pulled at the collar of my t-shirt, feeling restrained.

  “No!” Julie said, eyes wide, “I mean, I did think I was for a couple of days. But I wasn’t. But even thinking that I was for a couple days, especially as a dancer, that was scary. It’s a memory that’s been buried in there for a while and I guess this project brought it to the surface. I’m sorry.

  “It’s still my turn,” Julie joked, trying to lighten the mood with a lilt to her voice.

  “Ask me anything,” I said, accepting her change of subject and keeping eye contact with her. I knew Julie was guarded. She rarely talked about herself; she used sarcasm to deflect any personal information. I wasn’t sure why she shared that story with me, but I wanted her to know it meant a lot. I wanted her to know that I was willing to take in every detail of her past at her own pace. If she wanted to change the subject, I wouldn’t push her.

  “You sure you mean that?” Julie said, raising an eyebrow. At my nod, she started in, “so why did you start using… what triggered you being here?”

  I knew the question was coming, and I wanted to tell her the truth. I just didn’t know where to start and I didn’t know how much I was truly wishing to share, so I started slowly.

  “Well… there was a girl,” I started, looking down at my hands, “Actually, she wasn’t a girl… she was a woman. An older woman. I had just moved to L.A. with my dad, I didn’t know too many people. I spent a lot of time with her and I guess… developed feelings towards her.

  “One thing led to another and suddenly… we were having… relations…” I trailed off as I looked up at Julie. She wasn’t writing this down like my other answers, but she wasn’t looking at me either. At my pause, she looked up at me, blinking.

  “Um… I don’t really know how to explain…” I stammered, unsure of my words. Unsure of myself as I looked back down.

  “I don’t want to force you, Jon,” Julie said, reaching across the table and placing her smaller hand on top of mine.

  I felt a jolt of heat run through my body from her touch. Something finally clicked open.

  “It was… Claire. My dad’s wife,” I said finally. Not looking up at Julie. I felt her hand recoil. It was the one reaction I didn’t want from her – I almost thought that she was going to understand me. I peeked up through my lashes to witness her reaction but she wasn’t across the table.

  Julie slid onto the bench next to me, taking my hand in both of hers. I looked over at her—a look of surprise on my face.

  “I’m sorry Jon. I didn’t know it was so serious. I feel so bad for making you tell me that—I didn’t mean to-”

  “Julie,” I interrupted tilting her chin with my free hand so she would look into my eyes, “I wanted to tell you. I… I don’t know, I guess
I knew I could tell you.”

  I held Julie’s eyes; she thanked me for sharing this with her. She truly appreciated that I wanted to share something so serious with her. She told me that it wouldn’t go in the paper, but if I wanted to talk to her more, she was there to listen.

  I shifted and put my hands on my thighs, and Julie immediately moved her hand down to cover mine again. I was happy she did; I was comforted by her simple gesture. I turned my hand over and intertwined my fingers with hers. And that’s where we sat for another hour.

  I told her about my feelings for Claire. How she was young and beautiful, how she seduced me, how I fell in love with her and how the guilt set in immediately. Julie was easy to talk to because she just listened, allowed me to get it all out.

  “I realized once I was away from her that my feelings weren’t love, I just…” I shrugged and stopped speaking. I looked at Julie again. I was vulnerable, not knowing what she was thinking. Julie raised a hand to my hair and brushed it back off my forehead.

  “Have you told anyone about this? Jeff? Lena?”

  “No!” I said quickly.

  “I’m not suggesting—I’m not going to say anything, I swear,” Julie told me.

  “I know,” I said, “I just… I didn’t think I would tell anyone about this ever. I don’t know what kind of damage it would do.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Jon,” Julie said, her hand still brushing my hair back and rubbing the back of my neck, “I understand, trust me. No one needs to know.”

  Julie’s eyes mesmerized me; I felt myself leaning towards her. I wanted to substantiate the feelings coursing through my body and I really wanted to taste her lips again. That stolen kiss a few weeks ago wasn’t enough.

  Baby-Bot started crying and Julie jumped up to check on him. The level of disappointment I felt surprised me.

  * * *

  Friday crawled by, but we were in the home stretch. We were handing in our babies and our papers at five and we had the entire weekend off after that.