"Jeff, if she fails, we'll help her. Just like you have been for years. Nothing changes just because she lives somewhere else. But she needs to start her life away from here. She has to transition somehow. I think the sober house—"
"But that's where you lose me, Lena," Jeff interrupted me, "I don't like those places, not for Michelle. They're full of bad people who can get her in more trouble."
"That's not entirely true," I tried to argue.
"That's where I met my ex-wife, Lena."
"Oh," I said quietly with a shrug. He had me there.
"She conned me into leaving with her, eloping, using."
"Yeah, but Michelle isn't meeting anyone like that. She has Evan. She's going to be able to spend more time with Evan—"
"You're supposed to be selling me on this, baby. And let me tell you, you're not doing a good job."
"Alright Jeff," I exclaimed, reaching my breaking point, "as much as you don't want to admit it, Michelle is not your daughter and not your little sister. She's your student. It's your job to guide her, teach her, and get her back into the real world. She has to reenter society and do something with her life. I know deep down you want what's best for her, and deep down you know that a halfway house is a great idea. It may not have been your idea so you aren't all for it, but I care too. These are my kids, too."
"Baby," Jeff said quietly as he pulled me closer to him, "that's not why I don't like the idea." His grandfather clock began to ding the hour.
"Is that the signal for a rain check on the rest of this conversation?" I asked snidely.
"You're so smart, baby," he responded with a wink as he pulled me in for a hug which I did not reciprocate, “I don't want to fight about this. I don't want to fight with you ever, even though you're insanely sexy when you get mad. But I'm not happy that you had Marianne here and I'm not happy that I wasn't there for that meeting. But I will be, in future ones, right? I know I have to let Michelle go, the least you can do is make sure I'm there for the process. Deal?"
He had a point. I shouldn’t have tried to keep the meeting from him. I grunted into his chest, but finally wrapped my arms around him in agreement, "I'll see you later for dinner," I mumbled.
Mindy
“Hey hey,” Jason said, sitting next to me. I gave him a small smile; I wasn’t in the mood to talk.
I had been stuck with the group and their families all day while waiting for my parents. I was already tense, but the awkwardness between Jon and Julie made everyone uncomfortable and the heightened tension was unbearable. I finally had a chance to escape to the empty cafeteria for a while to write so I was not happy that Jay found me.
It was bad enough the group had to go out to dinner in an hour but he was stealing my last few minutes of solitude.
“What time are your parents coming?”
Honestly, I thought they were supposed to come early in the afternoon, I shrugged, “I guess tomorrow? Jeff must have gotten the date mixed up,” I said.
Jason frowned.
“What?” I asked, hearing the edge in my voice.
“Nothing,” Jason said, “I just haven’t known Jeff to get a date mixed up. But I’m sure you’re right,” he added quickly.
“Whatever,” I said defensively. I really wanted an excuse out of dinner. I didn’t want to deal with any more questions and I didn’t want any more pity from anyone.
“Hey,” Jason said, putting his hand over mine, “what’s going on?”
“Nothing, I should go get ready,” I said, removing my hand from his. Hopefully the cabin was still empty.
“Mindy,” Jason said reaching for me again, but I shook him off.
“Back off, Jay. Let me just go get ready for dinner,” I said, leaving him sitting by himself.
I was sick of pep talks, I was sick of the unremitting company. I just wanted some real alone time. I felt trapped with everyone constantly around me. Everyone constantly wanted to talk. I was so sick of talking. I just wanted to sit in silence and zone out and forget about my dreaded parental visit.
* * *
“Hello?” I heard Marie call out from the bathroom. I suppressed my eye roll. After all, her parents hadn’t shown either.
“Hey, it’s just me,” I responded.
I went to the closet to pull out a change of clothes and Marie came out of the bathroom with her makeup bag in her hand.
“Did your parents have other plans too?” Marie asked.
“Other plans?” I asked, my head cocked to the side.
“Yeah, my parents had some gala that they couldn’t get out of,” Marie said. I thought her voice should have some more sadness to it, but she seemed to actually believe the gala story. According to Lena, Jeff had been planning this weekend for months. Months seemed like enough time to get out of some gala. Or at least RSVP no when the invite came.
“Oh, sorry to hear that,” I responded, “no, I guess my parents are coming tomorrow.”
“Oh,” Marie responded back. She sounded dejected now. She didn’t want to be the only one whose parents had other plans.
“I’m sure they’ll come some other weekend,” I offered. Marie just nodded and walked back in the bathroom with her makeup bag. Guess she needed to powder her nose again. I was just happy to get a couple minutes alone in bed.
JON
I felt guilty, but I was relieved the visit with my dad was coming to an end. It was hard to imagine that this trip would be more difficult than the last with the threat of Claire in my head.
Dinner was weird. I sat next to Julie, trying to dispel my father’s thoughts about something being wrong. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t be able to tell that Julie had been holed up in her cabin for weeks.
Her eyes shone, her skin glowed, and it was definitely due to her sister. The conversation settled mainly around the girls, discussing friends and Jill’s new life in high school. I felt like I was finally seeing a missing part of Julie. A part that had been lying dormant under all of her layers.
I felt like I was seeing the innocent Julie. The childhood Julie. The one who had never lived through hardship. The one who didn’t know loss and still had her father. It was a tiny glimpse, but it was there and I felt something stir inside of me.
I drove back with my father in silence. I knew what he was doing. And I knew I was going to fall for it anyway, “Hey, dad?”
He grunted his response to let me know he was listening.
“Knowing what you know about Claire, would you ever be able to love her again?” I had been looking out the window, but my father’s prolonged silence forced me to look over.
“Jon,” he started gruffly, “I, I don’t know if this is the right answer. But knowing what she did to you. Just knowing what went on behind my back, and the fact that she hurt you and manipulated you? No. I could never have feelings resembling love for that woman, Jon.
“I don’t want to assume here, but… I’ve talked to Jeff. Before you get pissed, it’s my right as your father to find out what’s going on with my son. I know that some information about Julie has come out and… I think I have some understanding on what’s going on with you two. Or at least I have a better understanding of what’s going on with you.
“There’s a big difference between someone like Claire and someone like Julie, and I honestly can’t believe that you think there’s any similarity. Julie is innocent. She’s a kid. You’re still a kid too. You forget that sometimes and I know you’ve gone through more than most adults, but you are a kid. You have some things to learn still.
“Julie is innocent. I don’t know why she ran away, and maybe you haven’t gotten that out of her yet, but the fact that Julie has been through what she has and still has compassion and laughter and love in her… Jon, she loves you. I’ve seen it when she looks at you. Only a person with some kind of innocence left in them can find all that.
“Now Claire, Claire was a monster. She didn’t have love inside of her. I don’t know what went wrong with her down the l
ine, but I can honestly say that I was tricked by her. She didn’t love me and she actually thought she had feelings for you. There was something twisted inside her. Julie is not anything like Claire. She didn’t trick you into loving her. You have to know there’s a difference between the two of them.”
My father was almost pleading with me. I tried to let the words sink in but I was still confused.
“Dad, I think I know why she ran. She hasn’t told me. But I think I have an idea what happened. And I think it could be similar… to what happened to me.”
My dad let out a hiss and put the car in park. I hadn’t realized we were back.
I hadn’t admitted that to anyone. I couldn’t have anyone know that I snuck into Julie’s group sessions. I would be in so much trouble, and I didn’t want her to know that I spied on her. I already lost her trust; I didn’t want to make it worse.
“You really think that?” my dad asked.
“I feel like I should have listened better, pushed her more. Chris knows. He won’t say anything. But she was able to talk to him about it and it pisses me off,” I admitted.
“I can understand you being jealous, Jon. But this can’t be about you. I don’t want to put down your mother, but I’ve never met anyone like Julie, Jon. I know I’m a little older and a lot wiser, but…. Don’t you see how strong she is? Who cares what she had to do on the streets. She’s here because of the decisions she made. I would never disapprove of her. I mean, I don’t know if you want your old man to approve of your girl. But I’m telling you that I do. I don’t think you’ll ever find a girl like that anywhere.”
Julie
I was relieved to be home. It was a lot of work acting all throughout dinner. It was ironic because even sober, I was trying to bullshit my mother into thinking things were okay.
I still didn’t know what Jon’s angle was as he sat next to me during dinner. He said he wanted to forget about things and move on, but how do you just ignore a part of someone? How could you just try to ignore something that you felt so strongly about before? It just didn’t make sense.
I wanted to get high. I wanted to drown my thoughts. I wanted that feeling of not feeling anything. I just wanted to slip into the numbness, but that feeling made me angry. It made me feel weak.
I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, washed my face. I changed into pajamas, grabbed my iPod and crawled into bed. I saw that it was only 7:45pm. I thought about everyone else in the common room, laughing, talking about dinner and just joking around. The thought made me feel sick. I was alone. I was surrounded by people but more alone than ever.
I turned the volume higher and closed my eyes. I wished I could slip into nothingness. I would give anything right now to feel that. Sleep was a close second.
Moments later, a hand touched my shoulder, making me jump up. The iPod fell and slid across the floor. I looked up to see my mother, sitting at the foot of the bed.
JON
I had just said bye to my father. I wished that I could spend more time with my dad, but maybe this was better. No more time to dredge up the past. That conversation was exhausting and I couldn’t think anymore.
I wanted to be by myself so I skipped passed the common room. I walked into the dark mess hall and rolled my eyes. There was a blond girl sitting on one of the tables, some guy sitting in front of her, obviously trying to get with her. She had curly hair that came beyond her shoulders, but I couldn’t see her face.
I turned to leave and bumped into a chair. The girl jumped and looked around, “Johnny?”
I turned to look at her and stopped dead in my tracks. Talk about blast from the past.
Julie
“Mom, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Honey, I just… had to talk to you,” Nina said.
“Okay. Where’s Jill?”
“She’s asleep in the front seat, she doesn’t know I turned around to drive back. I’ll be quick, I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Yeah,” I said warily, “as you mentioned.”
I watched my mom, who stood up, put her hair in a ponytail, sat back down and took the ponytail out. I didn’t know why my mom was nervous. I couldn’t remember ever seeing my mom like this.
“I just… I’m so sorry, Julie. You’ve been through so much… and I sent you here. I told you that I didn’t want you coming home. That’s mean,” Nina started to cry, “I’m… I’m a bad mom.”
“Mom, I get it,” I lied. I didn’t want to see her cry. There’s something wrong about a kid seeing their parent so upset. But I didn’t disagree with her. My mom never asked for an explanation. She just sent me away without talking to me. I would never understand why she didn’t ask me anything. She didn’t try to talk to me. She saw me and sent me away then didn’t contact me for weeks.
“Julie, you’ve been through a lot. I know…” she paused, allowing her words to sink in, “I know that you’ve been through a lot at home. I wanted you to understand something.”
As Nina looked into my eyes, I did start to understand. I felt the heat flush through my body with realization. I felt the anger creep up my throat and into my face; it built swiftly and then I saw red.
“I thought it would be better for you to… come here. You know, be away from the house a little longer. We were doing so much better and I didn’t know what would happen—”
“You didn’t know what would happen? If I came home?” I asked quietly, disbelief now mixing with the anger.
“Well, you had just been away for so long…. Things seemed to be better. And I didn’t know if you had feelings—”
“Get out!” I demanded, the anger completely washing away the disbelief and any sorrow I felt moments earlier.
“Julie, please. He’s sick,” my mom pleaded through the tears, “I didn’t mean—”
“Didn’t mean to assume that I liked what that man did to me? That I had feelings for a grown man who preyed on and raped a helpless teenager?
“I’ve gone years thinking everything was my fault! That if only someone knew, they could have stopped it. I know what that man did to me was wrong. I know that he’s the one to blame, not me. I was fourteen, mom. Fourteen fucking years old. Fuck you for thinking that I liked it.”
I was standing at this point. Pacing and ranting. This is what my own mother thought about me? She didn’t want her own daughter around her husband because she was jealous? She sent me away so that she could keep her husband to herself. It was sick. It was wrong.
“I want you to get out,” I demanded again, “I don’t know you. We’re done.”
“Julie, I was still drinking then, I was jealous, you don’t understand what—” Nina started.
“No, mom, you don’t understand,” I shouted, cutting her off again, “You have no idea what I’ve been through, you have no idea what it’s like to be me. You have no idea what my nights used to be like. Since I was fourteen, I was frightened of the night. By fifteen, I started being scared of the afternoons and by sixteen, when I left that house, I was terrified all the time.
“I want you to leave. I don’t want to even ask you how long you’ve known, because I don’t want to hate you anymore than I do at this moment. I want you to leave now... that is all I want.”
I retreated into the bathroom and I didn’t look at my mother again. I just wanted to get away and I hoped beyond hope that she would leave quickly.
When the screen door slammed, I threw up.
JON
I sat at a table in the mess hall talking with Marina Siegel. I knew her from L.A. I still couldn’t believe she was here. She was still extremely beautiful. At one point in my life, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever known. Of course those were the drug-induced days. I honestly hadn’t even thought about her until the moment I saw her.
Talking to her brought me back to a life before Julie, a life with simple relationships—that was nice. Talking to Marina was nice. It was simple. She wasn’t a new friend but seeing her again, and seeing her
while sober, it was practically like someone new. Regardless, it was refreshing.
Marina was telling me about how she ended up at Horizons when she paused, looking at the entryway.
“Can I help you?” she asked. I turned and saw Julie, pale as a ghost with wide eyes.
“Uh,” Julie stammered, her voice was thick.
“Julie!” I said, standing up quickly like I was caught doing something wrong.
“No, don’t get up. I’m just… leaving,” Julie said turning to walk out again. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong with Julie.
I turned and looked at Marina, “hey I’m sorry, but I need to….”
“Of course,” Marina said with a shrug. I didn’t stay to say anything else, but ran outside, after Julie.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just… I’m fine,” Julie lied. I looked at her closely; she looked awful. She didn’t look like this during dinner.
“You’re not fine, baby,” I said. The endearment sounded strange coming out of me and I felt my posture stiffen. Julie could tell.
“Who was that?” Julie asked calmly, ignoring my concern.
“I used to uh… know her in L.A. Her name is Marina,” I responded. I wanted to be careful about the details I offered.
“She’s very pretty. Knew her, like… dated her?”
“It was only for a couple of months, Julie. I was using, trying to stay away from the house. I was going to clubs every night. That’s where I met her.”
“Clubs in L.A.? You were getting into clubs in L.A. at fifteen?”
“Well, that was partly due to my fake ID, mostly due to Marina. Marina is a little older than us,” I offered. I felt like Julie had a way of pulling answers out of me.
“How much older,” she asked. This was getting worse and worse.
“Um, well, she would have just turned 20,” I admitted.
“So she was 18 or 19 when you were… dating her? So what, she was in college?”
Unsound (Horizons #1) Page 25