He didn’t sleep hard that night, for Lera’s night was crammed full of nightmares, and her cries woke him. Eventually, he just stayed awake and murmured to her in Gaelic, stroking her hair and wishing he could find a way to make it all better. Make all the pain go away. For both of them.
“Kori?” Her whispered question shot him from semi alert to fully alert.
“Yes, Lera?”
“Are you angry with me?”
He frowned. “Why would you possibly think I would be angry with you?”
“Because I disobeyed you and followed you to the fight. Had I not then—”
“Enough, Valera,” he barked. Rolling her so they were face to face, he scowled down at her. “Stop. It is not your fault, okay? It’s mine.”
He shook his head and jumped to his feet before leaving her alone in the tent. The wind tore along his skin with brutal efficiency, and he didn’t care. He deserved the pain; he deserved so much more than mind-numbing cold. The loss of their children was his fault. He’d not been strong enough to protect all of them.
Without thought, he shifted and ran, knowing Lera would be protected with Adric and the rest of the Haikon around her. When he stood alone in the forest, he lifted his head and howled. Allowed all his pain, anger, and untold grief to pour forth. Each cry told the air how he hurt.
When his emotions were back under a firm hand, he loped back to the camp, shifting on the outskirts and walking in. Many stared, and a few spoke but for the most part stayed out of his way. He’d made a beeline for the tent, only to pause outside it. Lera was no longer in there.
“She is with the cubs,” Torr said, halting beside him.
“I thought she may be.” He bit back his automatic dislike of the man who’d constantly tried to hit on Lera.
“When are you leaving?”
“As soon as she’s strong enough.”
“It seems unreal to have met her, and now, she’s leaving. I understand, though. We’ve been Haikon forever, being raised with all the stories and the fears; she’s grown up not knowing so she has another family.”
Kori glanced down at the man who seemed so wise for his years. “You’re family as well now. We didn’t lie about that.” It felt like he had to force the words past his mouth.
“I know. And I hope she finds more Haikon wherever you go.”
The man truly admired Lera, Kori could see that. He stared at Torr for a moment and realized he wasn’t the enemy. Wasn’t a threat.
“Thank you,” Kori said with all honesty.
“I know you and I didn’t exactly get along from the beginning, Cormac MacLochlainne, but I truly hope you know I’m well aware of where her heart lies. And I will do nothing to get in the way. I was suspicious of her at first and did what I could to provoke you both.”
Ahead, he saw Torr’s snow leopard prowl toward them. Gavvi. A beautiful cat. Kori crossed his arms. “I know. She told me to behave.”
Torr laughed. “Gavvi said she’s leaving the cubs. It is my honor to have met you, Cormac.”
“Mine, too, Torr. And thanks.”
Torr waved and walked away, pausing to glance back. “I have something for her. I’ll bring it by later.”
‘Lera?’ He sent the question as he made his way back through the camp, staring at all the tents with their gorgeous artwork.
‘Yes?’
‘Where are you?’ The lack of emotion in her voice still worried him.
‘Packing.’
He altered his course immediately for a direct shot to their tent. ‘Are you sure you’re ready to travel?’
‘I need to go home.’
He paused outside the door before taking a deep breath and entering. She knelt on the bed they’d shared, her bag open before her, and she currently repacked it. Her amazing body was covered by the leathers from Cairenn, the coat beside her. Her hair had been gathered and hung down the middle of her back in a leather lacer, black and ruddy, like the rest of her attire.
“Then, we go.”
She didn’t look at him. “Thank you.” Her words were hushed and subdued.
“What do you need me to do?”
“Nothing, thank you. I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”
Shoving a hand through his hair, he bit back a growl of frustration. He could feel the wall going up around her heart. And, for the life of him, he had no idea what to do, to make her understand it wasn’t her fault, and he loved her still, more than his own life.
“Anyone home?” Torr asked from outside.
“Come on in,” he answered.
Jealousy punched him in the gut when Lera looked up and gave Torr a smile. Gavvi entered as well. The tall man with silver-blue eyes crouched before Lera and handed her a wrapped object.
“This is for you, Valera Sidorov of the Haikon.”
She took it slowly and never opened it, just nodded and said with heartfelt emotion, “Thank you, Torr. I’ll keep it safe.”
They stared at one another for a few seconds, and Kori would have sworn they spoke mentally. Torr reached out to her face, and Kori couldn’t stop the rumble of warning from snaking up and out. The man stopped a hairsbreadth from her face.
“Until we meet again, Valera.” Torr glanced at Adric and added, “My honor, vaj.” He dropped his head in respect and rose with an easy motion. “Cormac.” Another small nod, and the man with his feline slipped out of the tent.
Slicing his gaze back to his mate, Kori found her staring at the wrapped item in her hands. The fingertips from one hand moved in abstract patterns over it.
“Lera?”
“We should go. I just would like to say goodbye first.” She placed the gift in her bag, stood, slipped on her coat, and grabbed the bag before hefting it over one shoulder.
He remained in the background while she said her goodbyes. They struck out for the caves which had brought them here, and silence lingered between them. A strained silence.
Each step they took closer to their path home, he believed took them farther apart from one another. When they stepped out of the darkness and were back where the trip had begun, he could feel the chasm between them.
Not even three steps from the cave and a familiar sight stepped from the trees.
“Daddy!” Lera cried and ran to him.
Watching their reunion twisted the dagger even deeper in Kori’s heart. Careful to keep his face impassive, Kori met the man’s sharp gaze before walking toward the vehicle he knew would be waiting for them.
The ride back was taken up by Lera and her father chatting. He knew she did it so her dad wouldn’t know anything was wrong. But, from the gleam in Dane’s eyes, he had long since figured it out.
They pulled up to Dane’s house and Kori had barely gotten out when the front door opened. He saw his siblings and Lera’s. From behind them, Kori watched as Aida stepped through. The woman was serenity personified. She moved regally down the steps and opened her arms. In a second, Lera was in her embrace, crying.
He felt like an outsider. His brother and sister’s words sounded far away, and all he could see was Lera vanishing inside. He wanted to follow her but he knew now wasn’t the time. Swallowing, he focused on those around him.
Dane’s expression lingered on him before he, too, went in the house, and Kori knew he’d be faced with Daddy Dane soon enough. It didn’t matter. He’d go through hell to be with Lera. And, from the flames Dane had in his gaze, that just may be where he was headed.
Chapter Eighteen
Lera sobbed against her mom. The comforting scent of soft apples, cinnamon, and vanilla made all feel right again.
“What are you doing here?” she asked around the sharp inhalations she took.
“Where else would I be, Lera?”
“You hate this country.”
“I love you.”
Drawing back, she stared at the woman who’d been her mother in all sense of the word, other than by blood. Brown eyes with flecks of gold scattered throughout gazed right back.
/> “Love you, too, Mom.”
“Are you okay?”
“Still healing from a wound across my belly, but yes, I’m healing.”
Her heart broke all over again at the memory of what that injury had cost her. Somehow, she kept that clamped behind her lips, not ready to share. She wanted Kori. Wanted him to come in and hold her, like he had before she’d lost their children. Shame engulfed her, and she fought off a new wave of tears.
“I know you’re tired. Get some rest. We’ll wake you for dinner.” Her mom kissed Lera’s cheek and walked to the door. “I’m glad you’re safe, Lera.”
Lying back on the bed, she smiled gently and closed her eyes. When the door clicked, she lowered her hand to her belly, mindful of the newest scar she had, and bit her lower lip. How could I not know I was pregnant? What kind of woman doesn’t know this?
“How can he ever forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, mo anam,” Kori said simply.
Her eyes flew open and found him leaning against the closed door. She wanted to bury her face and tell him to leave her. Tell him she wasn’t worthy of being his mate. And yet, in the same breath, she wanted to beg him to hold her and tell her she was his entire world.
“How can you say that?” She moved her fingers over her womb, and his gaze followed the action.
“How can I not? Lera, I know you would never endanger a child willingly. Ever. I wish I could make you understand this isn’t your fault.”
“It is!” she hollered. “It’s mine! I lost them, not you. Me!” He stepped toward her, and she pushed up angrily. “Stay away from me!”
Kori stopped, and a heartbreaking look filled his features. Like she’d just reached in his chest and ripped out his heart. Inside, she could feel his discomfort along their link. Then, he went to the window and climbed through, disappearing from view.
“Kori!” she cried, only to double over in pain when she moved wrong for her wound.
The door flew open, and Dane stood there. He glanced between her and the window. “Little one?”
She watched the man who’d raised her. The flood began again, and this time, she didn’t even try to stem the tide. He sat beside her and lifted her effortlessly into his arms. Burying her face into his chest, she continued to cry.
“I think we need to talk, Valera,” he said after about ten minutes.
Staring up at him, she shook her head. He lifted a brow and nodded. “I don’t…I can’t…you’ll hate me.”
“I could never hate you. What is going on between you and Kori?”
“It’s not going to work between us, Daddy.”
A deadly rumble rose from his chest. “The only reason one leaves a mate is if they’d done something unforgiveable. What did he do?”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t him. It was me,” she sobbed.
Disbelief flashed. “What could you have done?”
Biting her lower lip until she tasted blood, she stared into the tawny-green-gold eyes watching her with endless love and patience.
“I…I…I lost our babies,” she whispered in shame, dropping her gaze from his.
“Lera? What are you talking about?” He gently lifted her chin so their eyes could meet again.
She wanted to look away. Oh, how she longed to lower her head and keep her shame that. Hers. But he didn’t let her. Licking her lips, she touched the still healing scar across her abdomen.
“This attack, this hit, killed our babies. I was pregnant with twins.” More tears fell. “Now, nothing.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw, and she knew he fought for control. “Where was Kori?”
“Getting me out of trouble. It was my fault. He told me to stay away from the fighting but I didn’t listen.” It started to flow from her lips. “Then, afterward, I realized I’d left the cubs all alone and wasn’t sure if his wards held up when he’d been knocked unconscious, so I ran back to them. This…thing…he said a top guard for the ater malum rose up and stabbed me, in the stomach.” She wiped her eyes. “I never even knew I was pregnant. How can he want to be with me? I killed his kids.”
“He loves you, Lera. I never realized how much until I knew what he’d gone through so you could have a life growing up. He would give it all up for you. All he wants is you. You need to talk to him. This is for you two to work out. Baby, I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make it better. I can’t, and it tears me up knowing you’re in so much pain and I can’t do a damn thing about it. Kori is your mate. He was their father. You’re not the only one hurting.”
“He said it was his fault,” she muttered. “It wasn’t; it was mine. I disobeyed.”
Dane gave a short bark of laughter. “Lera, you aren’t his slave; you’re his mate. Why wouldn’t you follow him into a battle? That’s who you are. You said he was unconscious at one point. Did you leave his side or did you protect him?”
“I protected him, of course. He couldn’t fight.”
His gaze softened. “Rest, little one. Then, you need to talk to him.” He brushed a kiss over her temple and went to the door. “I want to hear about the Haikon over dinner.” He slipped through and shut the door, leaving her and Adric alone.
She lay back and snuggled up to Adric. He smelled the same as he did the day they met, of pine and freedom.
‘Are you okay, vaj?’
‘I don’t know, Adric. I really don’t know.’
‘I am sorry I wasn’t there.’
‘You kept me from losing Kori as well, Adric. Because of you, I got to him in time.’
‘The gods are often cruel.’
‘Yes. I feel like a stranger to him, I don’t know what to say.’
‘I know little of the matters of humans but perhaps you should just speak what is in your heart. Your father was right in that he is hurting. Your mate blames himself, you blame yourself, and neither of you are sharing with one another. Those babies were a combination of you both. Not one or the other, both. You each need to grieve but you should do so and seek comfort from one another.’
‘I don’t want him to blame me.’
‘Vaj, he has come to you. He could have kept it from you. Your mate is an alpha male; his duty is to keep you and your kids safe. In his mind, he failed. You pushing him away only makes that more prevalent to him. You’re telling him what he fears. He’s a failure.’
She stroked Adric’s fur and weighed his words. ‘It’s not his fault, though. I am the one who ignored his advice of staying away. Kori’s not to blame. He should be with a woman who will protect his kids.’
‘Enough, vaj!’ Adric snapped. ‘You know full well he will never be with another. Wolves mate for life. You…are his, his mate. If you don’t want him, he will allow you that and spend the rest of his life in the shadows, keeping you safe.’
‘How do you know this?’
Adric sneezed and got to his feet before padding to the door and hitting the handle with his nose. He pushed through. ‘What else does he have to do to prove himself to you, vaj? Would you have him cut out his heart and give it to you? Time to be a mate in more than just name only.’
His disappointment in her rang loud and clear. He slid away, and she was totally alone. Well, not entirely true. She had her self-pity. Sobs lodged in her throat, and she swallowed them down. Grabbing her stuffed wolf, she buried her head into him instead and gave into her body’s exhaustion and need for rest.
“Wake up, Lera.”
Stirring, she opened her eyes to find her twelve-year-old sister, Irinah Daneil, seated beside her. Eyes that were like their father’s stared down at her.
“Rina? What’s going on? Is it time for dinner?”
“Just about. Mom sent me to wake you, thought you may want a shower before we eat.”
A shower sounded divine. “She always knows.”
“Yes. Are you okay?”
Lera stared at her sister whose gaze overflowed with love. Reaching for her hand, Lera gave it a squeeze. “I will be. Just a little
sore.” She sat up and rolled her shoulders, trying to loosen them up. “How are you?”
“I miss you. It’s not the same at home without you. But, I’m doing well in school. On the football team.”
“Wonderful. Boyfriend?”
A blush scampered up Rina’s face, and she gasped. “Lera!”
She laughed, a wonderful feeling. “That’s a yes. Who is he and do Mom and Dad know?” A very short, very decisive shake of Rina’s head told her all she needed to know. “I won’t say a word, but you have to tell me who he is.”
“Promise?”
“Absolutely.” She leaned closer to the youngest Sidorov. “In fact, since I know how well things are overheard in this family, you don’t even have to say it, you can write it down then we’ll destroy the evidence.”
The grin bestowed upon her made her heart light. Rina hugged her tightly. She could feel the twinge from her injury but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was her sister’s hug.
“I’ve missed you, Lera.”
“Missed you, too.”
“When are you coming home?”
She sat back and got up from the bed. “Soon.” In truth, she’d been thinking about going back with them. “I’ll go shower and get ready for dinner. You,” she mimicked writing, “do that. Be right back.”
Taking her time in the shower, she allowed the pounding water to help ease her aches. Careful of the wound, she got cleaned up and finished. Dried and dressed, she stared at her reflection. Her face was gaunt and beneath her eyes were large bags. The light in the bathroom glinted off the pendant on her neck, and she picked it up with a slight smile.
Kori had given this to her twelve years ago, She hadn’t know it was him at the time but know she knew. She used a fingertip to trace first the silver oval then touch the raised marking in jet. The symbol was the Ogham letter “C”. C for Cormac.
Her gaze slid downward, and her hand spread out over her now empty womb. How did one progress forward from this? With the one who was their other half. Her father had said so; Adric had said so, too. Was Adric right? Had she been so wrapped up in her own self-pity she hadn’t even noticed Kori going through the same thing?
A Love For Lera (Haikon) Page 26