Hidden Love

by Carole Mortimer

  By the time she had fed and bathed Matthew, put him to bed, read him a story, and left him safely tucked up in his cot, it was too late to do anything other than collapse into an armchair.

  It had been another hectic day, not least having Matthew safely home with her. And then there was Hilary’s startling suggestion.

  She had known for some time that something would have to be done about the situation. When her father had suggested helping her go into business Matthew had only been a small baby, but he had brought his walking to a fine art now, could seemingly move with the speed of light, and the mischief he had been getting into lately was becoming more and more serious.

  Hilary’s idea seemed to be the only way out, and yet Rachel was loath in a way to part with her independence. But Matthew came first, had always come first, and she knew she would make whatever decision was best for him.

  Two faces appeared momentarily on the screen in front of her, two faces she knew achingly well—Nick and Suzy! Johnny Franks’ picture had appeared now, and she turned up the volume to hear what the newscaster was saying about them.

  ‘Mr Franks, who today won his way through to the semi-finals, is also said to be in a serious condition. Now on to the weather,’ he said with a sudden change of topic.

  Also said to be in a serious condition? What did that mean? Had Nick been hurt in some way? How could she find out that important part of the news she had missed?

  Ring the television company? No, that was ridiculous, besides bordering on hysteria. Kay would know if Nick were injured.

  There was no answer to her call. Why, Kay could be at the hospital with Nick right now, he could be—No, she wouldn’t think about it. Call the hospitals, that was the answer, call every one until she found the right one.

  Her parents walked in as she was in the middle of a rather heated argument with another Emergency receptionist who said she wasn’t at liberty to give out information on patients, not even their name. Rachel finally slammed the telephone down in disgust.

  ‘Bureaucrat!’ she snapped, glaring angrily at the inanimate telephone receiver.

  ‘What on earth is going on?’ her mother wanted to know.

  ‘I’m trying to find out if Nick’s dead or dying, and—’

  ‘Dead…?’ her mother echoed faintly.

  Rachel’s expression was frantic. ‘He’s been involved in an accident, and I can’t seem to find out where he is, whether he’s been badly injured—nothing!’

  ‘Now calm down, darling,’ her father soothed, ‘and explain this to us reasonably.’

  ‘Well, you see, it was on the news, and I missed it, but Nick was on there, and I—’

  ‘I said reasonably, Rachel,’ he encouraged. ‘Reasonably.’

  She took a deep breath, trying to be more lucid this time. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she choked.

  ‘Well, you can stop worrying, for one thing,’ her father told her briskly. ‘Nick wasn’t even in the car.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘We heard it on the radio driving home, Rachel,’ her mother told her with obvious relief. ‘Nick wasn’t involved, but Mr Franks and his fiancée were.’

  The world seemed to sway dizzily, and it took all her will-power to stop falling on to the floor in a dead faint. ‘Nick is—all right?’ she questioned hollowly.

  ‘Yes,’ her father nodded.

  ‘Oh!’ Her complete panic now seemed ridiculous, and the hot colour flooded her cheeks. ‘I didn’t hear it properly. I just assumed—How silly of me,’ she gave a falsely bright smile.

  ‘Not silly at all,’ her mother said calmly. ‘After all, Nick is Matthew’s father.’

  ‘Er—yes. I think I’ll go to bed now, it’s been a long day, one way and another,’ she derided.

  ‘Of course, Rachel.’ Her mother kissed her goodnight.

  ‘I’m just about to make some hot chocolate,’ her father told her. ‘I’ll bring you a cup, shall I?’

  ‘That would be lovely,’ she accepted warmly, knowing she was too confused to go to sleep just yet. ‘Matthew was fast asleep when I checked up on him a few minutes ago.’

  Her father smiled indulgently. ‘And we all know that once he’s asleep he won’t wake until morning, not even if the house were to fall down around him!’

  Rachel had washed and changed into her night-clothes, and was reading by the small bedside lamp when her father came in with the hot chocolate. Matthew’s cot was over in the darkened corner of the room.

  ‘Here you are.’ Her father sat down on the side of the bed, obviously having no intention of leaving just yet.

  ‘Thanks.’ She sat up to drink it. ‘Good film?’

  He shrugged. ‘If you’ve seen one sci-fi you’ve seen them all—the more recent ones, that is. Still, it was a night out, and your mother enjoyed it.’

  ‘Hilary came round this evening.’

  ‘How is she?’ he smiled. ‘We haven’t seen much of her lately, too busy with Geoff, I suppose?’ he teased.

  ‘Actually they’ve decided to get married.’ She went on to tell him of the other couple’s suggestion that they buy her half of the shop.

  Her father’s expression remained noncommittal. ‘Do you want to sell?’

  Rachel shrugged. ‘I can’t see any other way out of it. Matthew needs more and more of my attention, and I feel guilty for not giving him it. You and Mum are marvellous, but—’

  ‘But we aren’t his mother,’ he nodded understandingly. ‘Or his father either,’ he added softly, watching her reaction.

  She instantly stiffened. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Your mother and I have been having a chat tonight about Nick’s visit yesterday.’

  ‘I thought you went to the cinema!’ Rachel played for time, sure she wasn’t going to like what her father would say next.

  ‘Don’t try and change the subject, Rachel,’ he chided. ‘Seeing Nick again, talking to him, made us wonder if perhaps we hadn’t been a little unfair keeping Matthew’s existence from him.’

  ‘Unfair—!’

  ‘Yes,’ he sighed. ‘No matter what your mother’s and my views on why the two of you got married are, Nick is Matthew’s father—’

  ‘And I’m his mother! And it would be disastrous if Nick knew about Matthew. He’d take him away from me, Dad,’ she added pleadingly.

  ‘Or the two of you would get back together,’ he said softly.

  ‘Which would be even more disastrous,’ she said heatedly. ‘Dad, you can’t be serious about this?’

  ‘You’ve already admitted that you still love him.’

  ‘Precisely the reason I couldn’t live with him again.’

  ‘We aren’t just thinking of you, Rachel. Matthew—’

  ‘He’s happy! You can’t deny that he’s happy,’ Rachel said desperately.

  ‘Because he’s never known anything else. Matthew needs the love of both his parents, needs to have a father like other children. He isn’t old enough to realise he’s different yet, but when he does…’ her father gave a pointed shrug. ‘And have you thought about when he’s older, when he realises that Nick is his father, and that you’ve kept the two of them apart? He may want to go to Nick then, anyway.’

  ‘No…’

  ‘It has to be faced, Rachel, Nick is rich and well-known. He can give Matthew more than you can—’

  ‘He can’t love him any more than I do!’

  ‘You think not?’ her father raised his brows. ‘I think Nick has a great capacity for loving, especially where a child is concerned. It would be better if you gave Matthew the love and stability he needs now.’

  ‘Together?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You think Nick and I could do that?’

  Her father stood up. ‘Stop thinking of yourself, Rachel,’ he told her bluntly. ‘And try thinking of what Matthew needs.’ He quietly left the room.

  Her father’s words might have been a little harsh, but she knew he was only doing it for her own good. And she c
ould no longer deceive herself into believing that she had left Nick for her unborn baby’s sake, to protect it from Nick’s distrust of her. Her reason then was the same as now, she couldn’t bear to live with Nick knowing the only reason he tolerated her in his life was because of his son.

  ***

  She was doing a stock inventory the next day, while Hilary was at lunch, when the bell over the door rang to tell her she had a customer.

  ‘Just coming!’ she called, putting her list down on the top shelf, turning to descend the ladder.

  ‘No rush.’

  She almost fell down the ladder as she recognised that voice, and looked down into Nick’s deep blue eyes. What was he doing here?

  ‘Steady!’ His hands came out to grasp her upper arms as she reached the floor, selfconsciously straightening her skirt.

  ‘Hello,’ she greeted huskily, her cheeks coloured a delicate pink as she realised the expanse of leg she must have shown on her way down the ladder.

  ‘Hi,’ he smiled.

  ‘Er—What can I do for you?’

  He didn’t seem to hear her, and looked about him appreciatively. ‘This is quite a nice little place.’

  ‘What did you expect, a slum?’ she flashed, at once on the defensive.

  He shook his head reproachfully. ‘I didn’t expect anything. I didn’t even know you had a store until Kay told me.’

  ‘Kay…?’ Rachel frowned. ‘I didn’t know she knew either.’

  Nick shrugged. ‘Well, she did. How are you, Rachel?’

  ‘The same as two days ago—well.’

  ‘And Matthew, how is he?’

  She gave him a sharp look. ‘Are you really interested?’ After all, he had no idea Matthew was his son.

  ‘No,’ he said harshly. ‘Why the hell should I give a damn how the man is who sleeps with my wife?’

  ‘Then why ask?’ she snapped.

  ‘An effort at conversation.’

  ‘Why bother—’

  ‘Rachel!’

  ‘Okay,’ she sighed. ‘I’m sorry. Would you like a cup of coffee?’

  Nick frowned. ‘Don’t you have to stay open?’

  ‘I meant here,’ she said impatiently. ‘I have a kettle and a pot of instant in the back.’

  ‘Oh.’

  An unwilling smile lightened her features. ‘Not what you’re used to, hmm?’ She remembered the percolated coffee he drank all day when he was at home.

  ‘Instant coffee will be fine.’

  ‘Sure?’ she grimaced.

  ‘Yes. I—’ he broke off as Hilary came into the shop. ‘Good afternoon,’ he greeted huskily.

  ‘Hello,’ she returned shyly. ‘I was sorry to hear about your tennis player.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he nodded gravely.

  ‘I’m going in the back for lunch now, Hilary,’ Rachel told her softly. ‘If you should need me…’

  ‘I’ll holler,’ Hilary grinned.

  ‘Yes,’ Rachel returned the smile, then took Nick through the store-room to the room she and Hilary used for their breaks. It was barely more than a cupboard, and she was uncomfortably aware of Nick in its confines.

  ‘If you’re at lunch maybe I could take you out to eat,’ he suggested huskily.

  ‘I—’

  ‘I’m hungry even if you aren’t. I’ve been at the hospital most of the night.’

  ‘I—All right,’ she decided. ‘But I can only be an hour.’

  In the end they had a meal in a local café, a crowded room not really conducive to personal conversations.

  ‘I was sorry to hear about Johnny Franks too,’ Rachel told Nick as they ate their meal.

  Nick nodded. ‘He’s a good player. Or rather, he was.’

  ‘Was?’ she frowned.

  ‘He broke both legs in the accident. I doubt he’ll ever get back to professional tennis.’

  ‘Oh no!’

  ‘Yes,’ he sighed. ‘Luckily Suzy came off a little better—a broken arm, concussion, and a few cuts and bruises.’

  ‘Suzy?’ she echoed sharply.

  Nick sipped his wine. ‘You remember Suzy Freeman, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said stiffly.

  ‘I think this accident may delay the wedding for a while.’

  ‘Wedding? But we aren’t divorced yet!’ Rachel gasped.

  Nick frowned, slowly lowering his glass to the table. ‘Would you care to explain that remark?’

  ‘How can you marry Suzy when we aren’t divorced?’ She was very pale in her shock.

  ‘Marry Suzy…?’ he repeated slowly. ‘What makes you think I’m going to marry Suzy, for God’s sake?’ he rasped.

  ‘You mean you aren’t?’ she said dazedly.

  ‘Of course I damn—No,’ he amended more calmly. ‘I’m married to you.’

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘I think we should get out of here, Rachel. Will you come home with me so that we can talk?’

  ‘Come—home, with you?’

  ‘Yes. Will you?’ His expression was intent.

  ‘I—I can’t. The shop—’

  ‘Surely Hilary can manage for a while?’

  ‘I’m not sure. Oh, not about Hilary. I’m not sure I should come to the apartment with you. I’m not sure we have anything left to say to each other.’

  ‘You’re wrong,’ he shook his head. ‘Rachel, I have to talk to you. Alone,’ he added grimly as a woman on the next table turned to give them a curious glance. ‘Please, Rachel,’ he had grasped her hand across the table, ‘just give me half an hour of your time. Is that too much to ask?’

  It wasn’t, he knew it wasn’t, and after calling Hilary to tell her she would be late back Rachel allowed herself to be guided to Nick’s car and driven to the home they used to share together.

  ‘I can’t be late back,’ she warned him.

  ‘Half an hour,’ he promised. ‘And then I’ll drive you home. If you still want to go,’ he added softly.

  She gave him a sharp look. ‘I’ll want to go,’ she snapped.

  ‘Okay,’ he nodded abruptly. ‘I just want you to listen to what I’ve got to say, then you can leave any time you want to. I won’t try and stop you.’

  ‘I never doubted that for a moment,’ she said bitterly. ‘Just as I never doubted that I would go when I want to. I have no intention of staying any longer than I have to.’

  It felt strange to be back in the apartment, especially as by the time she got there she was beginning to wonder if she should have agreed to this, whether she were being wise to be alone with Nick like this.

  ‘Drink?’ he offered.

  ‘Er—tea?’

  ‘Sure,’ he nodded, disappearing into the kitchen.

  The apartment was exactly as she had left it, even down to the china ornaments she herself had put about the lounge. Everything was achingly familiar, especially the records they had often listened to in the evenings before spending a night making love.

  ‘You haven’t changed anything,’ Rachel commented as Nick came back into the room with the tea.

  He shrugged ‘I’ve hardly been here. Even before I retired I lived mainly in America.’

  ‘Then why keep it?’

  ‘In the hope—I still needed an English base,’ he amended. ‘Somewhere to stay when Johnny was playing in England.’

  ‘It all looks—very neat.’

  ‘I’ve had a cleaner come in once a week and check everything over.’

  ‘Efficient.’ She took the proffered cup of tea, biting her lip pensively. ‘I—You were going to tell me about Suzy.’

  He shook his head, lounging in the chair opposite her. ‘You were going to tell me why you thought I was going to marry her. As far as I’m concerned all she is, all she’s ever been, is Sam’s daughter.’

  ‘But just now you mentioned a wedding. And she wears a ring, I’ve seen it.’

  ‘Is there anything to say I gave her that ring?’

  ‘No. But—well, she’s always with you! The two of you were sit
ting together at Wimbledon—’

  ‘She wears Johnny’s ring, Rachel,’ he interrupted softly. ‘It’s their wedding that will have to be delayed.’

  Rachel swallowed hard. ‘I—I didn’t know that.’

  ‘Obviously, although it’s been no secret. Would it have bothered you if I had been the prospective bridegroom?’

  ‘I—’

  ‘The truth, Rachel,’ Nick prompted huskily. ‘Tell me the truth.’

  ‘Why should I?’ she flashed.

  ‘Because I love you. Because I’ve always loved you,’ he stated calmly.

  She hadn’t heard right, she couldn’t have done. ‘Nick, did you just say—’

  ‘That I love you?’ he queried grimly. ‘Yes, I said it. And I meant it.’

  CHAPTER TEN

  RACHEL stood up agitatedly, pacing the room, occasionally glancing at Nick as if to confirm that she hadn’t gone insane. He couldn’t love her, couldn’t really have said that.

  ‘I love you, Rachel,’ he said again.

  She went to speak, stopped herself, started again, and again fell silent. Whatever Nick was saying to her it couldn’t be, I love you.

  ‘Rachel, for God’s sake say something!’ he rasped. ‘Even if it’s only, I hate you!’

  ‘But I don’t.’ Her voice came out quivery and unsure.

  ‘Don’t what?’ he pursued. ‘Don’t want to talk to me? Or don’t hate me?’

  She wetted her suddenly dry lips. ‘I—I don’t hate you.’

  ‘That’s something,’ he grimaced.

  ‘Could—could you tell me again? The bit about loving me.’ She looked at him with bewildered eyes.

  ‘I fell in love with you the night we met—’

  ‘No,’ she shook her head, ‘that’s asking me to believe too much.’

  ‘But I did, Rachel.’ Nick came over to grasp her arms. ‘The moment you smiled at me I felt a jolt here,’ he put a hand to his heart. ‘I haven’t felt normal since.’

  ‘But you always acted as if you hated me.’

  ‘Because I felt betrayed, let down. I—I thought you were like my mother.’

  ‘And now?’ she asked huskily.

  His eyes darkened. ‘Now I want to make love to you so badly I ache with needing you,’ he groaned.

  ‘Then make love to me.’ She fell weakly into his arms. ‘I need you so badly, Nick.’