My arm…my hand…I could feel my hand!
Groaning, I pulled my eyes open, blinking for the first time in what felt like eons. I raised my hands to my eyes and saw all ten fingers wiggling before me. I cried out in relieved joy, sitting up and examining the rest of me.
I had both my arms, my teeth, and my legs were no longer wrapped in barbed wire. I had done it, my God, I had fucking done it! I wrapped my arms around myself, tears pouring from my eyes. I rocked on the floor as my cries turned into mad laughter, an exaltation of bitter freedom.
“Fuck you!” I screamed into the sky, howling now, my mouth split into a wide smile, “Fuck you, you miserable BASTARD!”
After a moment, I calmed myself, lowering my voice and taking in my surroundings. I had been reborn into the Black Farm. I didn’t know where I was or what was around me. All I knew was that I wasn’t Muck’s prisoner anymore.
I looked around and saw that I had fallen into some kind of shack. The rotting wood ceiling above my head now sported a Nick-sized hole from where I had tumbled from the clouds. Through the busted wood, I could see the dripping gash in the clouds where I had been spat. I gave it the finger.
Gritting my teeth, I stood slowly, making sure none of Muck’s torture had carried over into this new body. Once I was sure I was ok, I looked around the room. A creaky wood floor grumbled beneath my booted feet and barren walls stared back at me. In the corner of the shack was a pile of rusted machinery and chains. To my right was an array of buckets, all of them filled to the brim with an unsightly substance.
And resting against the wall next to the buckets was an ax.
I stepped towards it and picked it up, the weight agreeing with my grip. I inspected the head and felt something rise in my chest like hot coals.
Hatred.
Pure, uncut hatred of everything that crawled in this miserable place.
I hated the rain, the mud, the evil that infected every creature, the lumbering Keepers in the ocean, Danny, Muck, the kid in the plastic devil mask…and most of all…
…most of all I hated The Pig.
I hated The Pig for twisting this nightmare into what it was. I hated it for birthing the torturous monsters. I hated it for what it stood for. I hated it for giving me a fucking choice. What kind of deity desires to inflict such suffering on those who have already suffered so much? What kind of monster was The Pig? What did it want from all this? Why did it allow such hellish conditions?
“Fucking sadist,” I spat, knuckles going white against the long ax handle.
Armed with fire and freedom, I decided to restart my search for Jess. The weapon in my hands gave me an unexpected confidence, gasoline for the burning in my heart. I had suffered so much, gone through hell…I wasn’t going to let that happen again. At least not without tearing something apart.
The door before me was closed and I decided it was probably time to see where exactly I was. Hefting the ax, I went to the door and as I placed my hand on the handle, I froze.
I could hear something in the distance, approaching fast. Whatever it was, was yelling. I pressed my ear to the wood and listened.
“Sky Sludge! Going to get me some Sky Sludge!”
I quickly stepped back, feeling my heart begin to beat against my chest. Something had seen my rebirth into the Farm. Something was coming to get me.
“Not this time,” I muttered darkly, positioning myself against the wall parallel to the door. As the rapid footsteps approached the door, I hoisted the ax and planted my feet. My heart was racing and a thought slammed into my anxious, murderous mind.
You’ve never killed anyone before, Nick.
Suddenly, as the door exploded inward, I smiled.
Not a fucking problem.
I spun just as the Pig Born entered the shack. Its misshapen eyes went wide as they traced the ax, now flying towards its face.
The blade plowed into its slobbering jaws and severed the top half of its head in one stroke. Its bloated, naked body crashed to its knees and fell forward. The floor pooled quickly as spreading gore expanded around its still body.
“Eat it, you fucking FREAK!” I screamed, bringing the ax down again, “Weren’t expecting that, were you!?” With each word I slammed the blade into its lifeless body, the spray of black blood coating my face, arms, shirt.
I cackled, voice rising into a mad roar. I hacked and split its body into pieces, the ecstasy of the kill fueled by righteous revenge. When I finally stepped away, slumping against the wall, I was sweating.
I let the ax fall, chest heaving, and observed my work. The Pig Born looked like diced rot. I spit on it, gritting my teeth, and wiped my face clean from its splatter.
“Fucker.”
I wondered if there were any more coming. I didn’t hear anything but the pitter-patter of rain, but that didn’t mean I was safe. I ran a wet sleeve over my face, clearing it of gore, and snatched the axe back up. Now that the blade had been bloodied, I felt like I had a chance here. These monsters could scream just as loud as us Suicidals. And I intended to hear those howls again.
Leaving my ruined opponent behind, I stepped out into the open air. It looked like I was in some kind of small shanty town, make-shift huts and fences littering the dead earth. I turned around, taking it all in. There were maybe twelve or thirteen such structures, all varying in shape and size. Who built these? And to what end?
I hugged the wall of the shack I had exited and crept to the corner, peeking around the side. When I was sure the coast was clear, I dipped low and trotted to the next shambled construction. I didn’t know where I was going, what my immediate plan was, but I pressed on nonetheless. I just wanted to get somewhere I felt remotely safe. If that was possible. And Jess…had to find Jess. It was a distant hope at this point, a dying star in a sky filled with growing darkness. She was my lifeline. She was the willpower behind every step.
I crept to the next building, a long stretch of rotting wood that looked like a stable. What the hell would they stable here? I thought. After quick reflection, I decided I didn’t want to know. I plastered myself against the side and slunk to the corner, a repeat of my steady progression.
When I got to the corner, I peeked out and spotted the ocean, its black waves rolling soundlessly not far from my position. Three Keepers were visible on the horizon, like lumbering statues plastered across a muddled painting.
I also spotted the dead sun, its cracked frame eternally leaking its ebony guts onto the world below. It was a great distance away, a dime shaped shadow hanging just below the ever gray sky. Judging from what I had seen of the Black Farm, I guessed I was on the side of the forest where Muck dwelt. Just the thought of my former captor set my teeth on edge and caused my heart to flutter.
I dug into my memory and remembered that the forest cut the island in two, one side with the dead sun and the mountain, the other with that massive barn where The Pig resided…and whatever else lurked in those rolling foothills.
I wiped the rain from my eyes and squinted towards the horizon, with my back to the ocean. It didn’t take long to pick out the distant peak of the great mountain, a sharp triangle jutting towards the heavens. I knew that below that mountain, across the many dozens of miles between us, were the Needle Fields and that fucking cave. I made a mental note to keep my distance, the rising summit a sharp warning sign.
I decided to make my way up the coast, keeping the mountain to my left. I remembered Megan mentioning something about a temple on this side of the forest. I didn’t know anything about it, other than the name she gave it: The Temple of the Pig. Probably not somewhere I wanted to go, but if I stuck to the shadows, maybe I could discover something about Jess.
Why are you so insistent on finding her?
I froze, that sneering voice a quiet whisper from the back of my mind.
You don’t really love her, Nick. You know you don’t, so why keep on with this charade?
“Shut the fuck up,” I growled quietly. “You don’t know what you’re ta
lking about.
A chuckle. She’s just the next step in your selfish life. When you get bored of her, you’ll move on. It’s so easy for you to move on isn’t it, Nick?
I clenched my fists. “Go back to wherever you came from.”
The voice ignored me, The people in your life…they’re just conduits you expend for your own pleasure. You surround yourself with people you can use. Just like Jess…what did you use her for again?
“I love that woman,” I hissed. “I would do anything for her.”
You love what she provided you. She gave you confidence…she made you feel like a man. But there was one thing she gave you that you didn’t want. Do you remember what that was?
“Stop it…” I begged, chest suddenly hitching, “Just leave me alone…”
Ahhh…it was the baby, wasn’t it? Yes…your unborn son. That wasn’t part of the plan was it…oh no. That little bastard would have taken Jess’s purpose from you. Her affection. Her love…her affirmation.
I closed my eyes, clutching my head. “Shut up, just shut the fuck up!”
When that little fucker died, when you got the call that Jess had miscarried…what was the first thing you felt?
“STOP IT!” I screamed, voice bouncing off the sky.
You felt…relieved.
“That’s not true!” I cried, falling to my knees, tears brimming, “I…I…” my hands dug into the muddy earth, searching for an answer.
I stared at the ground, teeth clenched and face wet with grief, “Goddamn it…that’s not who I am. That’s…that’s…”
The only reason you killed yourself was because the last remaining conduit of your existence had already decided to. You had already burned out all your other conduits…and without them…who are you, Nick? Just who the fuck are you?
I shook my head, eyes squeezed shut.
You’re nothing. Nothing but an empty shell of an incredibly selfish human being. And god FUCKING forbid you have to come to terms with that.
I could feel something peeling away inside of me, something that I had felt for a long time. What lay underneath made my stomach churn, my head spin, and bile slide up my throat.
I saw myself for the first time. What I really was. How I treated people…how I acted…why I did the things I did. I saw the decisions in my life and the way they always benefited me. I surrounded myself with complacent, caring, good human beings who knew how to sacrifice their own comforts for me. And I had abused that…I had taken their kindness and wrung every last drop of it from their willing hands.
And as I grew older, those people eventually left my life.
Everyone except Jess.
The last barrier between myself and facing what kind of person I really was. I had been relieved when the baby died. I had been relieved because the stripping of myself would have come much sooner than this.
But now…when faced with the poisonous human being I was…I still fought against it, still pushed away from the burning mirror. Confronting my life in this new light, this sick, selfish light…
I wanted to scream and bury myself in the dirt. I wanted to place a gun to my head and blow my brains out over and over again. This wasn’t the person I had seen myself as…this wasn’t who I imagined I’d grow up to be.
How could I turn into such a bastard?
There’s still hope, a new voice whispered from the opposite corner of my mind, there’s still hope, Nick.
I suddenly opened my eyes, hands muddy at my sides.
“Is that why I’ve been so hell bent on finding Jess?” I whispered to myself. “Am I trying to save her to prove something to myself? Have I really subconsciously known this whole time what kind of asshole I really am?
Only if you’re looking for her for the right reasons, that voice cooed.
I looked down at my hands, fresh tears trickling down my rain washed face. “I want to find her because I love her.”
My voice shook as a cold wind caressed my face. “I want to find her because she deserves better than what I’ve given her. She gave me everything…she gave me everything she had…”
I trained my eyes to the heavens. “She doesn’t belong here. She never did anything to deserve this kind of fate…”
My chest hitched and I continued to gaze into the clouds. “How could you send her here? How could you do this to someone so good?”
I wiped my soaking hair from my eyes. “Please…God…just help me get her…show me where she is…just this once…not for me…but for her. Please…”
My words were carried off in the wind, the sky remaining a silent sheet of rain and gloom.
A sudden fire burned deep in my chest and I felt my mouth twist into a snarl, “No?”
I picked myself up, gritting my teeth, and turned away from the sky.
I would do it alone.
I continued through the broken town, keeping my eyes peeled for movement. The ocean off to my right was a soft chorus in the distance, the black water a dark sliver in the corner of my vision. How many Suicidals were like me? How many were still free from the oppression of the Pig Born? How long could I last like this before another monster caught me? I thought about those people I had seen, the herd driven by whips and snarls towards the ocean. How long could I last? How many of us were here? How many Pig Born? Was hope even a thought, an idea?
“You’re not going back to that,” I whispered to myself, edging along another shack. “I’ll plant this ax into my own skull before I get taken again.”
And what happened if I did do that? Would I be reborn again into the Farm, my soul pulled up into those red gashes in the sky? It had happened once, I didn’t see any reason to doubt it happening again. I looked towards the overcast curtain above me and spotted several of the red slices, clean cuts of hanging vermillion drool dangling like saliva from angry jaws. In the distance, I could see bodies falling from them, perhaps new souls cast from the heavens for the first time. Or maybe they were like me. Collected and thrown back into this hell, forgiveness wrenched away and replaced with eternal consequence.
I reflected on the Pig Born I had killed. What happened to it? Was it dead forever or would The Pig regurgitate it back into its hellish world? Would those snake creatures coiling around the smokestacks vomit it up? Could anything truly die here? Were we all trapped to torment one another forever?
There had to be a way out of this. The Black Farm had rules to the way it worked…and rules could be broken. And what of The Pig? Did it simply enjoy torturing us? And what WAS The Pig? Where did it come from? Why had God put it in charge? Who created The Pig?
Lost in thought, I didn’t hear a door to my left open until a voice called to me.
“Hey! Pssst!”
I spun around, ax raised and eyes searching. My heart drummed in my chest and a sudden urge to run overwhelmed me. Before I sprinted for cover, I saw that a young man was waving me over towards one of the shacks. He stood in the doorway, hand urgently beckoning me. He looked like a teenager, a swath of thick black hair pulled across his face.
“Get over here or they’ll see you!” he hissed.
I immediately jerked my head around, going on full alert. Who would see me? Where were they!? I didn’t see anyone, but the sense of panic the kid had written across his face was infectious. I sprinted towards him, feet clacking up the wooden steps toward the shack. The kid stood shoulder height, his deep, dark eyes meeting mine.
“Come on, man, let’s go inside,” he pressed, grabbing me by the arm, “They’ll come if they see you out here.”
His touch ignited something inside of me and I batted his hand away. I grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the wall, bringing my face close to his, my voice a guttural snarl.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?”
The teenager grabbed me, trying to free himself from my grip. “Hey dude, chill! I’m just like you, I’m a Suicidal! It’s cool!”
He began to choke as I tightened my grip. “Listen, kid, I’ve been t
hrough some shit.” My face was inches from his now, “and I don’t trust easily.”
A new voice boomed from inside the shack, a rumbling growl, “Well maybe you should start.”
I cocked my head toward the voice and found myself staring down the end of an impossibly sharp iron pole. It looked like it had been ground down to form a needle-like tip that now rested inches from my right eye.
Holding the pole was an imposing, dark skinned man. His eyes held violence in them and I slowly let go of the kid. But I gripped my ax even tighter.
“We’re on the same side,” the man said, still leveling his weapon at me. “We got enough out there trying to kill us. Let’s not make it worse by doing their job for em, ok chief?”
“We’re not going to hurt you,” the kid said, rubbing his throat.
I shot a look at them and then cautiously nodded, “All right…all right…”
I took a slow step back and raised my hands in submission.
The big man lowered his pole and brushed past me, shutting the door. The rain outside threw itself against the wood and in the distance thunder chuckled darkly across the horizon.
The kid pulled me deeper inside the hut. It was a fairly small, empty space with a tiny fire pit formed at the center. Soft flames danced in the still air and I was drawn to it like a moth. The warmth was welcome and I hovered over it, keeping a watchful gaze on my new friends. I raised my hands over the fire and the kid joined me, smiling.
“It’s the little things, right?” he said, flicking his hair out of his eyes with a quick jerk of his head. His pale skin was peppered with pimples and his tattered shirt fell past his waist over a pair of skinny jeans.
I didn’t respond as I seized up the kid’s friend who looked much more intimidating. The man was probably in his late forties, a dark cut of hair hugging his scalp. He wore long dark pants and a flannel shirt that was unbuttoned to reveal rippling muscle.
“I’m Kevin,” the kid said, rubbing his hands together over the fire, “Good to meet you, man. I heard you fall from the sky and came to get you but I saw the Pig Born first.” He looked at the bloodied ax now resting against my leg, “Guess you took care of him, huh?”
The Black Farm Page 8