“Are you going to be all right? Looking after this place while I’m in London?”
“I’m not one of the kids, Connor. I’m a grown-up. I know how to keep my personal and professional lives separate.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Really.” She sits down on the arm of the couch. “Is it school business? This trip to London?”
She’s more than aware that if I was going away on school business, she’d know about it. And it’s not that I don’t want to tell her about Bobby, I do. And I will, tell her. I’ll tell everyone, I’ll have to, a lot of things are going to change once Bobby comes home so everyone will have to know about him. I just feel like if I tell people now, before I sign those final papers; before I’m strapping him in my car and driving him back here, I could jinx something. Invite some last-minute disaster that could stop it all from happening. So, for now, I’m telling no-one.
“It’s just some personal business, that’s all. I need to sign some papers, and they need me to be there in person.”
She cocks her head to one side, just the tiniest of tilts as she looks at me, but she leaves it there. She doesn’t ask any more, I think she gets that I don’t want to talk about it. And I’m aware that me clamming up and refusing to share things with her, that could cause her to do the same with me, and I don’t want that. I want her to trust me. I want her to come to me, if she needs to.
“Anyway…” She gets up, starts to head towards the door. “I’d better get to registration.”
“Joss, hang on…”
I go over to her, and she turns around, her beautiful blue eyes locking on mine and I have to swallow hard before I can speak again.
“I completely understand if what happened… if you want to forget that we ever…”
“I don’t want to forget that we had sex, Connor. I want to remember that.”
I keep my eyes fixed on hers, and I smile. She truly is one of the most beautiful women I have ever set eyes on. The first woman in a long time who’s made me feel anything, made me want anything. And I want her.
“You’re going through a lot right now…”
She stands up on tip toes, leans in to me, and she kisses me. Her mouth touches mine and I slip an arm around her waist, I pull her closer, until I feel her body touch mine, and I let that kiss deepen.
“There’s no coming back from what happened, Connor. With Sam. I can’t trust him again, and I can’t trust a woman I thought was one of my closest friends. But I’m fine, okay? I’m not fragile, I don’t need looking after, I’m getting on with my life.”
“I just don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage, Joss.”
She slides a hand around the back of my neck, plays with my hair and she smiles. A smile that makes my heart dance, I need this woman.
“You can take advantage all you like, Headmaster.”
She pulls away from me, and she leaves me with a wink, and a hard-on. But I stop her before she opens the door. “Joss?”
She turns to look at me. “Yeah?”
“Can I see you tonight?”
“You can see as much of me as you like.”
And then she’s gone.
But my hard-on remains…
87
Summer
Savvi won’t talk to me. She won’t even look at me. She can barely believe what I’ve told her, but she needed to know. Sam and I are a reality, at least, we will be, once he’s finally over the fact Joss isn’t taking him back. He’ll come to me, eventually. When the baby’s born, if not sooner. And then we’ll move away from here, from all the disapproval, all the pain and heartache. We’ll leave it all behind, and we’ll start again. With our new little family.
I hear her come thundering down the stairs and I go out into the hallway, I need to make sure she’s okay, before she goes to school. Before she has to face everyone else’s questions, everyone’s comments, I don’t want her to read too much into any backlash she may receive over this. None of it was her fault. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt any more than she already has been.
“Savvi…”
She doesn’t turn around, doesn’t face me. I didn’t expect her to. I just wanted her to. What happened with Sam hasn’t stopped me from loving her. This new baby won’t stop me from loving her, she’s my beautiful angel, and she has to believe that I love her more than anything else in this world. I just did a stupid thing. And now I have to start rebuilding my life from the crap I created. My fault. But she doesn’t deserve to be hurt.
“I said, I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Savvi, sweetheart, we need to talk…”
She spins around, but the look on her face fills me with a sadness so overwhelming I can’t breathe. And I did this to her. Me.
But, God help me, Savvi, I can’t take it back. I can’t change anything. I fell in love with Sam, and I don’t want to change that.
“No. We don’t. You fucked Sam, do you understand how sick that is?”
“Watch your language…”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore, okay?”
“I’m still your mum…”
“You’re nothing but a marriage-wrecking whore. I can’t bear to be in the same house as you.”
Her words cut through me, a pain so real I almost cry out.
“I’m going to ask Joss if I can stay with her.”
“Joss…?”
“Yes. Joss. Remember her? She’s my Godmother. She was your best friend. The woman whose husband you fucking stole.” She looks at me again, and this time her expression screams disappointment, and I don’t know what I find most upsetting – that she thinks of me as a whore, or that she’s disappointed in me.
She backs off, grabs her bag from the table by the door, and then she turns around and leaves, slamming the door behind her. And I just stand there, I can’t move. I feel sick. Exhausted. And I don’t know whether that’s to do with the pregnancy, or whether I’m just beginning to feel the effects of what me and Sam have done. But there’s no going back. What’s done is done and the only thing we can do now is move forward. Savvi – everyone, they’ll come around, in time. They’ll get used to me and Sam being together, they’ll accept it, in time. Maybe even Joss will, too.
Joss. She’s still an obstacle that stands in my way. Our way. Mine, and Sam’s. Because he’ll soon realise he doesn’t need her anymore. She’ll soon realise that, even if she wanted him back, she’s never going to have him. She isn’t having my daughter, either, even if it’s Savvi who’s running to her.
She’s an obstacle.
But one I’ll overcome…
88
Sam
“Joss! Joss, wait!” I run over to her as she heads for the staff room. “Joss, come on. We can’t carry on like this.”
She spins around, looks at me through narrowed eyes. “I’m sorry. We can’t carry on like what?”
“Not talking to each other. It’s not good for the kids…”
“The kids are fine. The kids are talking about us, yes, but to them it’s just more school gossip. In a few days’ time we’ll be history. Old news. The only kids who are really affected by this are Savvi and Danny. Have you seen Savvi since Summer told her about you two?”
“No, I haven’t…”
“She wants to come and stay with me. She can’t bear to be in the same house as her mum right now, and quite honestly, I don’t blame her. She’ll be better off with me for a while.”
“Should you really be interfering like this?”
She stares me down, looks right into me, a look that’s almost chilling. “If we’re talking about interfering, Sam, let’s talk about what really got the ball rolling, huh? You know, the time you decided that fucking my friend was a good idea.”
“Joss…”
“At school we’re colleagues. Nothing more. Outside of school, I don’t want you anywhere near me.”
She goes into the staff room, slamming the
door in my face.
“Shit!”
“When she tells you she doesn’t want to talk to you, Sam, she probably means it.”
I turn around to see Alex standing in front of me, his hands in his pockets, his eyes fixing me with the same look Joss just gave me a second ago. This close fucking bond they have is starting to piss me off now.
“This is none of your business, Alex, so back off.”
He moves a step towards me, leans in to me, lowering his voice as he speaks. “It’s very much my business. You hurt Joss, you hurt me.” He backs away, but he keeps his eyes on me. Eyes that are almost identical to Joss’s, despite the fact they aren’t blood related in any way. “She doesn’t want to talk to you, Sam. Respect that.”
He walks off and I look down, at my hand balled up tight into a fist, and I know I need to go, I need to calm down before my next class. But I’m so fucking angry, at myself more than anyone else. I’m angry that I made a mistake, that I did something so wrong, so unbelievably stupid; that I’m now this close to fucking up my entire life. And it’s nobody’s fault but my own.
89
Joss
That was probably the toughest day I’ve ever had at school. People didn’t pry too much, that wasn’t it, it was hard because everything felt different. Millers Bridge has so much of my life wrapped up within its walls. My life with Sam, it started there, and now its ending there, it’s sad, that’s all. But I can’t take him back. I don’t want him back, not after what he’s done. There’s no trust there anymore. I need to move on. I need to rid myself of the people I thought I could trust; people who hurt me. I need to let them go and move forward, with the people who really care about me.
“Does Sam know? That you’re going out with Mr Sloane?”
Savvi sits cross-legged on my bed watching me get ready. She’s staying with me, for a while. And Summer knows that. She didn’t argue, didn’t fight it, because even she knows it’s probably best for Savvi to have some distance from her, just for a few weeks. Everyone’s still getting their heads around this devastating situation, and sometimes it’s best to back away from everything, just until it’s had time to sink in. I think that’s something even I’m trying to do.
“No, Sam doesn’t know because it’s none of his business. And I’m not ‘going out’ with Mr Sloane. We’re not an item, we’re not a couple, I’ve only just separated from my husband. He’s a friend. A work colleague, that’s all.”
“You should have a revenge fuck.”
“Savvi!”
I’m shocked, not at what she’s said, just that she said it. I can’t be shocked, I’ve already had the revenge fuck, but I’m not telling my Goddaughter that.
“Well, come on. After what Sam did to you…”
She leaves the rest of that sentence hanging, but it didn’t really need finishing. I turn back to look in the mirror, and what I see staring back at me is a woman who’s trying her hardest to be confident and sassy and not in the least bit devastated that a marriage she thought was a happy one was nothing more than lies.
“You look beautiful.”
Savvi’s voice makes me turn back around, and I smile at her. “Thank you.”
“I reckon Mr Sloane fancies you, though.”
“Stop it, Savvi.”
She grins at me, and I can’t help smiling back.
“And don’t go telling everyone at school, okay? There’s enough of my private life out there to gossip about, we don’t need anything else kicking up. We keep this between you and me, all right?”
“Our secret. Promise.”
I look at her, frowning slightly. “It’s not really a secret, Savvi. I just don’t want people getting the wrong idea about Connor and me, that’s all.”
“I get it.” She smiles and I sit down beside her, slipping on my strappy sandals. “You’re gonna have a good time, though? Right?”
I smile too. “Right.”
“’Cause you deserve it.”
I take her hand and give it a squeeze. I love this girl like she was my own, I’ve been there for her throughout her entire life and I don’t want what’s happened here to derail her in any way. To affect her too much. To knock her off course for what is going to be one hell of a future for her, if she puts her mind to it.
“And you deserve better than what’s being thrown at you right now.”
She shrugs and starts rifling through my jewellry box. “I’ll get over it.” She looks back up at me. “I’m going to university soon. And I think that’s for the best, don’t you? I can’t go home yet, Joss. I can’t get my head around what they did to you.”
I pull her in for a hug, kissing the top of her head. “I’ll be fine, kiddo. Alex is looking after me.”
“I love Alex. He’s cool.”
I laugh quietly, but she’s right. He is. “So, what have you got planned tonight? Are you going out?”
“No. I don’t feel like it. Danny’s coming over with a take-away. We’re going to catch up with Game of Thrones then do some revising.”
“Well, if you need anything else to eat there’s plenty in the fridge, but no more than one beer each, all right? I might not be your mum, but I’m no pushover either. There are still rules, even in this house.”
“We’ll be good, I promise… Here. You should wear these. They’ll look really sexy with your hair pulled back.”
She hands me a pair of hoop earrings. “I’m not trying to look sexy, Savvi.”
“You don’t have to. It comes naturally.”
I look over at the doorway to see Alex standing there. He must’ve let himself in.
Savvi grins at him and jumps off the bed. “Hey, Alex. Is Danny downstairs?”
He returns Savvi’s grin, playfully ruffling her hair as she walks past him. “He’s in the kitchen. He’s brought Chinese food, so I hope you’re hungry.”
“I’m starving.” She turns to look at me, throwing me one more smile. “Have a good night, Joss. I won’t wait up, okay?” She winks, and I can’t help but laugh.
Alex looks behind him as she thunders down the stairs, then he turns to look back at me. “She okay?”
“Seems to be. But I don’t know whether she’s just putting up a front. I guess we’re all guilty of that in situations like this, huh?”
He sits down in the spot Savvi’s just vacated.
“Is Danny all right?”
“He just can’t understand why Sam would do something like that, to you. He doesn’t get it.”
I sigh quietly as I finish fixing the hoop earrings in place. “It’s such a fucking mess, Alex. And I have no idea how long it’s going to take before any of it starts to make sense.”
He looks at me, and I feel my stomach dip slightly. “It will, start to make sense. In time.”
I stand up and go back over to the mirror, checking my reflection one more time. “We don’t even make sense anymore, Alex.”
He gets up, comes over to me. He stands behind me, runs the back of his hand lightly across my shoulder and I shiver. It’s a nice feeling. A wrong feeling. “Or maybe we’re the only thing that does make sense right now.”
I reach behind me, pull his hand away from my shoulder, turning around to face him. “Don’t, Alex. The kids are only downstairs.”
He drops his head, slides his hands back into his pockets and every fibre of my being wishes we were back in Hönö Klåva. But what happened over there, it wasn’t real. We can’t let it be real, even if I want it to be. Everything I’m feeling now is a knee-jerk reaction to Sam and Summer’s betrayal, and that isn’t worth wrecking my relationship with Alex for. But even tonight, with Connor – it’s nothing more than a distraction. Because I’m not sure I even want it to happen now.
I look at Alex, and I feel my stomach churn, my breath tightens in my throat, and when he raises his gaze and his eyes meet mine I feel all kinds of messed-up shit overwhelm me.
“You slept with him once, Joss. With Connor. Are you going to sleep with him again?”
“I don’t know… Alex, we can’t…”
“This is so fucking hard…”
I go over to him, I take his hand and squeeze it tight and I will him not to touch me in a way that’s only going to confuse this situation even more. But the second his hand rests against the small of my back… it’s too late.
“We can’t do this, Alex. I don’t want to mess us up…”
“What makes you think that’s going to happen?”
I pull back from him, but I let my fingers run lightly over his jaw line, keep my eyes fixed on his. “Everything’s so complicated right now. I don’t really know what I’m feeling, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to lose you.”
“That’ll never happen.”
“Sex changes everything, Alex.”
He pulls me closer, takes my hand in his, pulls it away from his face. “Nothing will ever change us, Joss, I told you that.”
“You don’t know that. You can’t, know that.”
He pushes my head back, his lips brushing the base of my throat and a million and one warning shots fire off inside me, screaming at me to push him away, to stop this. He’s my best friend, he’s like a brother to me… but he’s not my brother, is he? He’s not, my brother…
“Alex…”
Those warning shots win out, they’re too loud for me to ignore. I push him away, and I didn’t want to, I had to.
“We can’t,” I whisper, my eyes locking on his. “We can’t do this, I’m not risking us…”
“Dad!”
Danny’s voice shouting up from the hallway is the distraction I need. We need.
Alex looks at me, and I can tell he isn’t finished here, this isn’t over as far as he’s concerned. But he leaves it, he goes out onto the landing, leans over the bannister and he shouts back at Danny. “What?”
“One of Savvi’s mates is having this big party at the weekend. Her dad’s loaded, apparently, and he’s putting on some kind of mini festival in the grounds of their house up in Northumberland somewhere. Is it all right if I go? Everyone’s staying over…”
Tainted Love Page 19