“Joss?”
Alex’s voice pulls me back, and I blink a couple of times to refocus.
“You were miles away.”
“Sorry, I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“About what happens next.”
He squeezes my hand and we both drop our gaze, down to our joined hands.
“Nothing feels right, Alex. Even we’re different.”
He shakes his head, reaches out and rests his palm against my cheek. “No, Joss, we’re not different. We’re the same, it’s just that everything around us is different.”
“Why have we come here?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Nothing’s obvious to me anymore, Alex.”
He leans in to me, and I close my eyes as his mouth briefly brushes over mine. “Let’s go inside,” he whispers, pulling me to my feet, and I keep hold of his hand as I follow him into my room.
He squeezes my fingers, pulls me a little closer, and I smile up at him. My beautiful best friend. I don’t know if I’m ready to think of him as anything other than that just yet. I may never be ready for that, I don’t know.
“I love you so much, Joss. I’ve loved you for so long, and whatever happens here that is never going to change.”
I still think he’s being idealistic. I think he’s clamouring to make sense of a confusing situation, and for a second or two I feel suffocated by it all; by him. I step back from him, and he looks hurt, but even he knows I’m in the middle of something I’m finding hard to control. Hard to understand.
My phone ringing is actually a welcome distraction, it kills the mood and I’m grateful for that. I fish it out of my pocket, check who’s calling. It’s Savvi, so I answer it. But I don’t even have time to say hello before she speaks, her words tumbling over themselves as she tries to get them out.
“My mother is fucking pregnant?”
I lean back against the wall and bow my head, rubbing the back of my neck. “Summer told you?”
“Just now. I went over there, to pick up some boots I wanted to wear to the party, and she just blurted it out, you know? Like she was telling me she’d just bought a new car or something. She’s pregnant, Joss. With Sam’s baby… Did you know?”
“Yes, I knew…”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“It wasn’t my place, Savvi. That news had to come from your mum.”
“And you’re still not angry?”
“Savvi, look, I told you yesterday, I’m over the anger...”
“I don’t understand how you’re okay with this?”
“I’m not okay with any of it, but shouting and screaming isn’t going to change anything… Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. I’m so over all the shit those two have caused. I’m not going back there, Joss. I’m not going back home, I can’t. Can I stay with you until I leave for uni?”
I sigh quietly and I look at Alex. He throws me a reassuring smile, but I just feel like everything’s beginning to pile up again, nothing’s getting any better.
“I’ll have to talk to your mum, Savvi …”
“Why? What does it have to do with her? I’m almost eighteen now, I can leave home if I want to, so, if you don’t want me to stay with you…”
“I didn’t say that, and of course I want you to stay with me.”
“So, can I? Stay? Until I leave for uni?”
“Yes, okay, but we’ll talk about this properly when I get back. All right?”
“Yeah. All right.”
“And this party tonight, I know you’ve just had more crap thrown at you, but remember what I said to you yesterday. You need to deal with it like the adult you are now. It might make you angry, make you want to lash out at certain people and that’s understandable, but don’t go doing anything stupid this weekend. Do you hear me?”
“Something stupid? Like what?”
“You know what. Just have a good time, forget everything that’s going on for a while and enjoy yourself.”
“Is that what you’re doing over there? Forgetting everything that’s going on?”
I don’t reply straightaway, I look over at Alex again. He looks back at me. Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m doing. “Maybe… Are you sure you’re okay?”
“A fucking baby, Joss! After everything you’ve been through.”
“Watch the mouth, Savvi. And shit happens, you know?”
She laughs quietly down the line and I smile. She’s handled this way better than I thought she would. I’m proud of her.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I am now I’ve spoken to you… I love you, Joss.”
“Right back at ya, kiddo.”
“Say hi to Alex for me.”
“I will. I’ll call you later. And if you need me…”
“I’ll call you, I know.”
I hang up. I look at Alex.
“They told her, huh?”
“It’s like every time we come over here we end up going home to another huge fallout.”
He leans back against the wall beside me. “We’ll get through it.”
“We’re barely through the first shock announcement, Alex.”
“But then it’s done, Joss. It’s over. There’s nothing more to come out.”
I look right at him. “Isn’t there?”
He doesn’t say anything, he just continues to stare into my eyes, and then he tucks a finger under my chin and he kisses me. Just the briefest of kisses but long enough for me to feel him. To taste him.
I pull myself away from the wall and pick up my bag, sliding it over my shoulder. “Come on. Let’s go out. I need some air.”
“You kept asking Savvi if she was okay, Joss, but, are you? Okay?”
I throw him a small smile, I’m fine. Or, at least, I will be. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
I will be.
Eventually…
102
Summer
I need to push you, Joss. I need to push you closer to Alex. I need you to be with him and forget about Sam because Sam needs pushing too. He needs coaxing, he needs to realise once and for all that you aren’t coming back, aren’t taking him back. And I know you still love him, you have to, you can’t forget all those years of marriage like they never happened, so I know you still love him. And he knows that too, but he has to see that you still loving him – it doesn’t mean he’s going to get his happy-ever-after. Not with you. His future lies with me now. With me, and the baby you could never give him, because, even if you did take him back, our baby isn’t going anywhere. He or she is always going to be there, that unbreakable thread that will constantly tie Sam and me together. Forever. But I know you won’t take him back. I know you’re over there, somewhere in your home country, with a man who’s been by your side since the day you were born. A man you should be with, don’t be selfish, Joss. Alex loves you. Give him the chance he’s desperate for. And let me have the man I love. Your husband…
103
Alex
She’s been distracted for most of the day. Not to the point where I’ve felt like she’s been some place else; been ignoring me, it wasn’t like that. But I knew she had something on her mind. She’s worried about Savvi, about the fact Summer chose to tell her now, today, about the baby. And I can see it in her eyes, the pain she still feels every time she has to face up to the fact Sam’s having a baby. With a woman who was once one of her closest friends. It still kills her to know that he’ll be having the child he longed for just as much as she did, it just isn’t with her. The circumstances are so utterly devastating, nobody could have had any idea what was heading our way. And in some respects, I’ve felt a little guilty today, about making her come back here, because that’s what I did. I practically forced her to come, I issued her with instructions and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. But now my own desperation to be alone with her feels selfish and wrong.
She didn’t want to go back to the hotel after dinner, she wanted to stay out a lit
tle while longer. So we’re here, in a bar in the centre of town. Is she trying to avoid being alone with me? Or am I just being paranoid?
“Is Danny okay?” she asks, taking a draft of beer, but her eyes stay fixed on mine.
“He’s fine. I’ve just called him, he’s with Savvi. They’re both okay, both enjoying the party.”
“Good. He’ll look after her, he’s a good kid.”
“Yeah. He is.”
I lean back against the wall beside her, staring out at the crowded club, at people dancing and drinking and talking. Are any of their lives as complicated as ours have become?
“It would be confusing, wouldn’t it? For Danny, if you and me…”
She doesn’t finish that sentence, and as I turn to look at her she drops her head, takes another drink of beer.
“He sees me as his aunt, as his family.” She raises her gaze and her eyes meet mine. “Are we really going to add to those kids’ confusion, Alex?”
I don’t know, maybe she’s right. But at the same time, are we supposed to pay for the mistakes Sam and Summer have made? Are Joss and I supposed to just ignore what we feel, pretend it isn’t there while they get to flaunt their crap in front of everyone?
“I’m not saying this situation is easy, Joss…”
“It isn’t. I don’t even know if it’s right… And what about our parents? How would it make them feel?”
“Come on, Joss, you know as well as I do that our parents would have loved for us to get together. They never made a secret about that, did they?”
She looks at me again. Right into my eyes. “Why didn’t we, Alex? Why didn’t we get together, back then? Why weren’t we attracted to each other, why wasn’t that spark there? We’ve always been so close…”
“It was there for me, Joss. It’s always been there. The only reason I didn’t act on it was because you never seemed to be interested in me in that way. You always thought of me as your brother, you always treat me, like a brother, and I didn’t want to ruin what we had. So I just stood back and watched you with all those other men, all the time wishing one of them was me. I just wanted you to be happy. But there were so many times I wanted to tell you how I was really feeling. So many times when I almost did. And then you met Sam. You fell in love, with Sam, and it was like he completed you, you know? Does that make sense? When I saw you two together I thought you’d found the one. And I had to accept that I was never going to be that, I was destined to always be your best friend, and I was okay with that. As long as you were in my life I was happy. As long as you were happy. But then Sam fucked up, and he doesn’t deserve another chance, Joss…”
“He isn’t getting one.”
Her eyes remained locked on mine the entire time I spoke, her gaze never wavered. And I allow a surge of hope to flood my veins, fill my belly.
“He fucked up. And I’m not happy about that, I never wanted to see you hurt like this but I can make it better, Joss. I can do that, I can turn this all around and we can be together. Because I think that’s where we were always meant to be, you and me. Together.”
She puts down her beer and turns to face me, leans in to kiss me, and as her mouth touches mine I slide a hand onto the small of her back and I push her against me. I hold her close and I fall into her kiss. I close my eyes and dream of a future where she smiles again and that’s all because of me.
“Let’s go back to the hotel,” she whispers, and I push her hair out of her ice-blue eyes and I kiss her again.
Joss Engström.
Alexander Olsson.
Best friends, forever.
Lovers, for life…?
104
Sam
“You’re fucking unbelievable, do you know that? Why the hell did you tell her today? When you know Joss is back in Sweden?”
“Yes, and why is that, Sam? Hmm? Why is she back in Sweden just a few days after leaving the place?”
She’s only asked that question to irritate me, and it’s working. I’m fucking irritated to hell, the thought of Joss and Alex, alone. Together. In a place that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
I lean back against the counter and watch as she cuts up salad and slices bread. “Why are we doing this, Summer?”
She stops what she’s doing and she looks at me. “Doing what?”
“Deliberately trying to hurt each other, and everyone around us?”
“I didn’t deliberately try to hurt Savvi.”
“And yet, you told her something that was going to hit her like a kick to the gut at a time when the one person she actually wants to be with isn’t here.”
She turns her head away from me, continues to slice the bread and I sigh quietly. I didn’t mean that to sound quite as callous as it did.
“I’m sorry, Summer. I didn’t mean…”
“You’re right. Savvi just wants to be with Joss right now, and I shouldn’t have told her about the baby today. Not when she didn’t have Joss to turn to.”
“It’ll be okay. She’ll have called her. Joss will have made sure she was okay, and she has Danny. I hear they’re at a party tonight, together. They’ll be fine.”
“Yes. They will.”
“And, you know, maybe getting it all out in the open like this – maybe it’s for the best, in the long run. We can all start to deal with it now, can’t we?”
She looks back at me. “I’m already dealing with it. You’re the one who’s been burying his head in the sand, pretending everything can eventually go back to how it used to be. It can’t, Sam. Nothing will ever be the same again, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We can all move on, find a new kind of happiness…”
“I still love her, Summer. You have to understand that.”
“I do, understand it. And I understand that she probably still loves you too, but she will never take you back, Sam. I know her, I know how she works, how she thinks, and what we did… there’s no coming back from that, not for Joss.”
I know she’s right. She is, I just can’t bring myself to accept it. I’m not ready for that finality.
“And you and me, the way we’ve been acting – we need to take a step back and think about what’s happening. How we deal with all of this, as parents to this baby.”
I throw back my head and close my eyes and I think about everything Joss and I went through to try and have a baby of our own, before we were told the heartbreaking news that we would never be parents. The years we spent trying, month after month of listening to her cry herself to sleep because her period had started, and there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do to help her. And then I slept with her friend. And within weeks she fell pregnant. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about what I’ve done to a woman I still love so much it fucking hurts. The shit I’ve put her through. The crap she still has yet to face.
“We need to start acting like grown-ups, Summer.”
“Then stop fighting me.”
“I’m not fighting you…”
“Stop fighting this.”
I can try. I can do that, but I can’t make any promises.
“Do you really think Joss and Alex are…?”
I can’t say the words. I can’t think about what I mean, it’s like cold, sharp needles stabbing at my chest.
“Do I think they’re sleeping together?” She starts piling bread onto a plate and carries it over to the kitchen table. “I don’t know, Sam. But all these trips to Sweden…”
She leaves that sentence hanging, deliberately, because she knows it’ll sow those seeds in my head, ones that have been there a while, I’ve just refused to let them grow. But now…
“Would it be such a bad thing? If they did get together? I mean, at least you’d know she was with someone who was going to look after her. Love her…”
I want to love her. I want to look after her. It’s my job, I’m still her fucking husband.
“I shouldn’t have come here tonight, Summer.”
I don’t know why I did. S
he called me, told me she’d let Savvi know about the baby and I felt I needed to make sure everything was okay, even though I knew Savvi wasn’t home. But I don’t want to be here now, giving off signals to Summer that this could be the start of something that isn’t going to happen. Cosy nights in and shared dinners, they don’t feature in my future, not with her.
“Please, Sam. It’s just pasta and salad, a couple of glasses of wine. For you, anyway.”
“I’m driving.”
“Stay the night.”
Her eyes lock on mine and I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Please. This place is so empty without Savvi here, and being alone, it scares me.”
I refuse to believe that she’s scared of anything. She never used to be scared, she’s always been strong, fiercely independent, she’s never wanted a man around. She only ever wanted it to be her and Savvi. But I’m hungry. And I’m tired. And I don’t much fancy going back to Drew’s place just yet. Him and Hayley have been great, allowing me to stay with them until I can find somewhere to rent, but I still feel like an intruder.
“Okay. I’ll stay for dinner. But I’m not drinking too much, I’m still driving home.”
She smiles at me, but I don’t return it. This isn’t the start of something new, it’s just me taking something I need. Food. Company. A glass or two of wine. Anything that can help distract me from what Joss and Alex might be doing; what they might have already done. Everything else is off the table.
105
Connor
I didn’t get a chance to explain to her, about Bobby. I wanted to, I wanted to find her and take her to one side and I wanted to tell her, before I told everyone else, but it was like she was avoiding me all over again. And when I called everyone together in the staff room to explain about my new personal circumstances, she wasn’t there. And I remembered it was because she’d left early, to go back over to Sweden, with Alex.
Everyone else was so kind, so happy for me, so understanding. Which was nice, but the only person I wanted to talk to was her. Joss. For some reason, what she thinks matters more than anything. And she wasn’t there. She was someplace else with a man I’m beginning to think has more feelings for her than just friendship. But I can’t fight that, no matter how much I might want to. I’m putting Bobby first, he deserves that. He needs that. No distractions, nothing to take my attention away from him, but watching from the sidelines as Joss tries to put her life back together? That’s hard. It’s fucking hard.
Tainted Love Page 23