Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  I want to be the one who helps her pick up the pieces.

  I want to be the one who helps her through this.

  I want to be the one, who loves her…

  106

  Joss

  It’s late when we get back to the hotel. And we’ve both had a bit to drink, although not enough for either of us to not know what we’re doing. We know exactly what we’re doing. And I don’t want whatever happens here tonight to be awkward or forced – whatever happens. Tonight…

  “Here.” I throw a bottle of beer at Alex and sit down beside him on the decked terrace outside of my room. It’s quiet out here now, only the low hum of chatter from people still down on the harbour fills the late-night air. “Swedish beer.”

  “Renowned the world over, huh?” He grins, and I smile. I love being with him so much. He’s like the other half of me, that’s why it felt strange, shutting him out. But sometimes shit happens that makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Things you’ve never done before. Won’t ever do again.

  “Just drink it, Olsson.”

  The other half of me… He’s my soul-mate. And that realisation both floors me and fills me with a feeling of nervous excitement that kicks at my gut and causes my skin to break out in goose bumps. Maybe it’s true, what people say – that you don’t always see what’s right there in front of you; something so close that you just don’t notice it’s there. That it’s been there all the time.

  “I called the kids again, when you were inside.”

  I take a swig of beer. “They okay?”

  “Having a blast. Danny’s words, not mine. And this isn’t any ordinary birthday party, apparently. Danny says there are live bands, food trucks, DJs, the works. This friend of Savvi’s, her parents must be worth a bit, huh?”

  “Grace’s dad owns some big agricultural business over in Alnwick, and according to Savvi they’re – and I’m quoting her here – minted. They live in this huge house on the outskirts of Durham, set in acres of land, which is why they’re able to put on such a lavish event for Grace’s birthday.”

  “I’m assuming Grace doesn’t go to Millers Bridge?”

  “No, she doesn’t. Savvi met her at drama club, but they’ve become the best of friends. And Grace’s dad, I’m guessing he just wanted to push the boat out for his daughter’s eighteenth. They’re sleeping in tents and everything, did they tell you that? Experiencing the whole festival vibe.”

  Alex looks at me and smirks. “Remember when we went camping?”

  “Never happening again.”

  We both laugh. And it feels good, to laugh. I’m not sure how many times I’ve done that since I found out about Sam. Sam… Just thinking about him hurts my heart. An ache I feel for real.

  “Are you cold?”

  Alex’s voice drags me back from thoughts of Sam. I’m just wasting time, thinking about him. He isn’t worth the emotional pain. “Sorry?”

  “You’ve got goose bumps.”

  I drop my gaze to my arm. “No. No, I’m fine.”

  “We can go back inside…”

  “Not yet. Just a few more minutes. I like it out here.”

  “Okay.”

  We both look out ahead of us, sitting in silence for a couple more minutes. But the air is full of things unsaid, crazy emotions; a heady atmosphere.

  “We can go see the cabin tomorrow, if you like. Before we fly home.”

  “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

  We let another few minutes go by in silence, listening to the sounds of the harbour below us. But tiredness is starting to sweep over me now.

  “I need to get some sleep.” I pull myself to my feet, and Alex follows me inside, closing the door behind him. I turn to face him. “You staying here?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Yes. I want you to.”

  I finish my beer and place the empty bottle down on the window-ledge.

  “Joss…?”

  I go over to him. I run my fingertips lightly over his stubbled jaw line and I kiss him, quickly. But his hand in the small of my back presses me closer against him, and I feel my stomach flip over like a kid’s on Christmas morning. I’m still not sure about this. I’m still so messed-up inside, Sam’s betrayal; Summer’s betrayal, it’s damaged me. I have no idea when I’m really going to come to terms with it, but I don’t want my husband’s crap to threaten what I have with Alex. He’s my world, the only person I can trust now, and yes, I’m attracted to him, I probably always have been. But sex complicates everything. It changes things, and sometimes you just can’t go back. And that’s what I’m scared of.

  He must’ve felt my body stiffen in his arms because his expression turns to one of concern, but even a frown can’t change how beautiful he is.

  “Let’s just run with this, Joss. Okay? Let’s just be you and me and see where that takes us.”

  I smile at him. I rest a hand against his cheek, I look deep into his eyes and that fear I’m feeling intensifies. “I’m scared, Alex.”

  “Don’t be scared. You’re with me, remember? I’d never let anything happen to you.”

  But even he couldn’t save me from what Sam and Summer did. Even he can’t make the pain of knowing Sam is going to become a father – to my friend’s baby – go away. Even Alex can’t do that.

  “I know,” I whisper, and he kisses me again, and for a moment I’m filled with peace and calm and I hold onto him. My best friend. A man I’ve always thought of as a brother, and yet now, we’re here. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right anymore; what I should be doing. My head’s full of Sam, full of regrets for what our life could’ve been if he hadn’t slept with Summer; full of Connor, and just what the hell it was we were heading towards. Was he really a mistake? Was he really just a distraction? Everything feels like it’s a distraction. The only thing keeping me from completely falling apart is Savvi. She needs some stability right now. She needs an adult around her who isn’t confusing her, and me sleeping with Alex – that’s confusing. For everyone.

  I let go of him and head into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I need a minute, to think. I sit down on the closed toilet lid, I clasp my hands together and I drop my head. Close my eyes. I breathe in deep and I try to let my mind go blank.

  Outside in the room I can hear Alex moving around. I can hear the TV.

  Opening my eyes I stand up, I stare at my reflection in the mirror over the sink. And I smile. I’m with Alex. I shouldn’t be sad. I shouldn’t be confused. Alex makes me laugh. He makes me happy. I’m kind of tired of denying myself that right now, to be happy.

  I get undressed, slip on my nightdress and I look in the mirror again. I run my fingertips lightly over my collarbone and I tilt my head, watching as my fingers run down over my shoulder. And then I step back from the mirror, reach out behind me for the door handle, and I go back into the bedroom.

  Alex turns around, he looks at me, and I don’t want to feel nervous, but I do. He’s Alex. A man who’s been in my life since the day I was born. I have nothing to be nervous about, when I’m with him.

  He comes over to me, he smiles, he takes my hand and he squeezes it before he goes into the bathroom, leaving me to let out that breath I’d been holding in.

  Sitting down on the bed I cross my legs up underneath myself and I quickly check my phone. Savvi’s sent me a picture, one of her and Danny at the party, acting goofy, laughing and smiling and it makes me laugh, too. She’s okay. For now.

  I go take one more look outside before I finally climb into bed, close my eyes and I wait, for Alex to join me. Because he will, join me. There are two beds in this room but we’ll only use one, even if all we do in it is sleep.

  I keep my eyes closed as he slides into bed behind me, his arm circling my waist, pulling me back against him and I mould my body to his. He’s hard and toned, his arms strong, his hands are almost twice the size of mine, he’s my protector. My guardian angel. We were brought together, for a reason… Was eve
rything we’ve both had to go through just a pre-cursor for this? For us?

  I slide my fingers between his, feel his breath warm on the back of my neck and I’ve never felt so safe. So peaceful. So calm. This place; this man, they’re all I need.

  This place.

  This man…

  107

  Summer

  I turn over and smile. He’s still asleep beside me, one arm flung up above his head and I resist the urge to reach out and touch him, I don’t want to disturb him yet. I want to let him sleep.

  I carefully slide out of bed and go into the bathroom. I knew he’d stay. Diluting his wine with vodka may have helped a little, but I think he already knew he wasn’t going home. I’m wearing him down. Pulling him in.

  I quickly pee, brush my teeth, wash my face, I get ready for another day. I need to write, that deadline isn’t going anywhere, and I’m already behind. But I’m making time for yoga this afternoon. I may even fit in some meditation, seeing as Savvi isn’t here. I should make the most of the peace. Maybe some spiritual guidance will help cleanse me of all the bad things I’ve done. I need to rid my soul of the tension and darkness that surrounds it now, that isn’t good for my unborn child.

  I think of Savvi again. I know she’ll be okay, she’s a sensible girl. I brought her up to be confident and smart and she’s both those things and more. And I miss her. It hurts that she would rather be with Joss than me, even though I understand that what I did – to her it’s unthinkable, that her own mother could act that way. But she’ll learn, that you can’t always help who you fall in love with. Life isn’t perfect. It isn’t a fairy tale. It’s hard.

  I miss her. She’s my daughter, not Joss’s. And what I’ve done, yes, it was bad, but it doesn’t give Joss an excuse to take my child from me. What does she think she’s doing? Paying me back for giving Sam the child she could never give him by stealing my daughter?

  I turn to look in the full-length mirror on the wall behind me, and I drop a hand to my stomach. Once my bump starts to show, that’s when it’ll sink in for Sam. When he finally realises the new reality he has to face up to. And once that reality hits, he’ll come to me. To us. We’ll be a family. Me, Sam, Savvi, and our baby. A family. Something Joss always wanted and couldn’t have; something Sam always wanted, and now he can have it all…

  108

  Joss

  I’m woken by sunlight flooding in through the crack in the curtain, bouncing off the white walls of my hotel room, and I slowly open my eyes, blinking a few times until they finally focus. I glance at the clock on the bedside table, I don’t know why I’m awake so early.

  Alex is still asleep, I can hear him breathing, feel his body behind me, his hand on my hip and I lie still. I don’t want to wake him. Not yet. Because I’m scared of what will happen when he opens his eyes? But I’m achingly aware of my need to pee, so I carefully lift his hand away, slide out of bed and go into the bathroom. It gives me time to get my head together, to remember what happened last night. Nothing, happened last night. We went out, we had a few drinks, we talked. We slept. We were Alex and Joss and I like being Alex and Joss.

  He's still asleep when I go back into the bedroom. Still in the same position I left him in so I slip back into bed, taking his hand in mine as I lie back against him. And that’s when I feel him stir, feel his fingers tighten around mine and I’m aware that every inch of my body is touching his.

  “Sleep okay?” he murmurs into the back of my neck and I squeeze his hand. I don’t want to leave here, this bed; this room. This place, I don’t want to leave. But I have to, so we should make the most of our final few hours here, shouldn’t we? We shouldn’t waste them. We don’t know when we’ll be back.

  “Did you?”

  His low, deep laugh vibrates against my shoulder and I shiver. Did he feel that? That shiver? Because it felt physical to me. “I’ve never slept better.”

  I feel his mouth brush the side of my neck, feel his breath rush over my skin and that shiver returns, causing me to grip his hand even tighter. And now I’m aware of his hardness pressing into the small of my back, and for a second it feels all kinds of wrong. I’ve always thought of this man as a brother to me, but he isn’t, is he? He isn’t my brother. He’s a man who loves me. A man I love back with every inch of my messed-up heart. But it’s a different kind of love. Isn’t it? A beautiful, special, different kind of love…

  He drops his hand back onto my hip and I close my eyes. I grab the edge of the pillow as he slowly slides his hand up under my nightdress, and the second his fingers connect with my skin I grip the pillow tighter. My stomach contracts, breath catches in my throat, and all I know is I’m pushing the world so far away, there’s only me and him now. Me, and Alex.

  We’re going there. Are we really doing this? Yes. We are, we’re going there. I’m giving in, to something I’ve always wanted? I don’t know. But it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. It doesn’t feel wrong…

  He slides his fingers into the sides of my knickers, tugging at them gently and I throw my head back, I gasp quietly in anticipation of what’s to come because I know it’s going to be glorious.

  I turn over onto my back and I look at him. I stare into his eyes, I trust this man with my life. With everything I fucking have I trust him. So he can take it all, I’m fine with that. He won’t throw it away, toss it aside like it meant nothing, like Sam did…

  “Don’t, Joss.”

  I frown slightly, and he leans in to kiss me, a kiss so soft it barely grazes my lips.

  “Don’t think about him, just think about us.” He kisses me again, a little harder. A little deeper. And when he next speaks he keeps his mouth on mine, he’s breathing the words into me. “Jag vill vara en del av dig,” he whispers.

  I want to be a part of you.

  I grip the pillow tighter as he slowly slides my knickers down, my breathing is all over the place. How long have I actually waited for this? How long…?

  He kisses me again as his hand travels from my ankle to my thigh, he’s playing me, every touch of his fingers on my skin burns into me, and I cry out quietly. I arch my back as he skims my inner thigh, his lips brushing that space just below my ear, and when he touches me; when his fingers find a wetness he caused that shiver I felt before races back with a vicious intensity.

  He doesn’t press hard, he doesn’t sink his fingers in too deep, he teases me, causes me beautiful pain I can take, every inch of me is engulfed by a wave of exquisite pleasure, but it’s not the end. We’re not there yet. He’s only just begun to play with me.

  Hot pins and needles prick at my skin as he pulls his hand away, tugs at the hem of my nightdress. It’s already sitting high on my hips, but he pulls it up higher, and I reach down and help him slide it off, discarding it like a used rag, I don’t need it anymore. I’m naked. He’s naked, and I just want to look at him now. I want to see if he really is as beautiful as I imagine him to be; as I want him to be. And – oh, Jesus, he is. He’s strong and beautiful and I want him. I want him…

  He lies over me, the heat of his body bearing down onto mine and I look into his ice-blue eyes to cool me; let my fingers roam over his warm skin, it’s like I’m suddenly touching something precious, I’m almost scared to press too hard. But as he lowers his head, covers my breasts in tiny kisses, I dig my fingers deeper into his thigh. I ready myself for what’s to come, I try to breathe. I try, but everything’s coming out ragged and uneven, it hurts, at times, as the breath catches in my constricted throat.

  I want him to open me up, to touch me and take me, I want to feel him inside me so bad now, it’s a pain I can barely take anymore. And it’s like he can read my mind, we really are that close. So close, he knows what I want. What I need.

  He drops a hand, cups my bottom. He kisses me as he slides that hand over me, and I groan quietly as he touches me, as he uses his thumb and two fingers to open me wide, pull me apart; as he pushes into me, slowly. Gently. He doesn’t stop until he’s so deep inside
me I can feel him there, pushing against my inner wall. Alex Olsson is inside me. Alex Olsson is making love to me. Alex Olsson…

  109

  Alex

  She’s warm and soft, her muscles tightening around me as I push deeper into her. And that resistance she doesn’t realise she’s putting up only heightens everything, causes my cock to spasm and my head to spin, if I had less willpower I’d be coming by now.

  I’ve imagined her naked so many times, imagined what she’d look like, but I’m not sure I was prepared for the reality. She’s beautiful, my best friend. She’s beautiful, and all that crazy shit that’s been going on in my head for as long as I can remember, it was worth every painful, confusing second to be here, now. To see her lying naked beneath me and know that she wants me as much as I want her.

  I sit up, pulling her up with me and she wraps her legs around my hips as I hold her close, feel her nipples hard against my chest and I dip my head to suck on one. She tastes sweet, the faint, lime-scented smell of last night’s perfume still lingers on her skin and I breathe her in. I listen to her quiet sighs, her almost inaudible moans as she grinds her hips into me, takes me deeper. And the way she angles her body, Jesus! She’s got me all kinds of messed-up here. But it’s when she falls against me, like a tired and beautiful rag doll; when her arms slide around my neck, her head on my shoulder – that’s when everything falls into place. How I feel about this woman. How much I need her, to free me from all those years of hating myself, because I felt this way.