“Oh, Sam…”
She starts crying, tears on tap, I’m not buying this.
“I came looking for you, Summer. You said not to do that, not to come here, but did you honestly think I was the kind of man who would let you go through something like this on your own?”
Her expression changes again. Panic is starting to show itself, she can’t hide it now.
“But they have no record of you being here. Not in A&E, not in Obs and Gynae. Nothing.”
“I… I told you…”
“Yeah, I know what you told me, what you told Savvi, but I don’t understand why you’d want to go through this alone. I don’t get it. And I didn’t think you should go through it alone, that’s why I came. It’s what any concerned father-to-be would do, surely?”
“There was nothing you could do, Sam…”
“Why lie to me, Summer?”
“I’m not – I haven’t…”
“I saw you. Just now. You parked your car, you walked over here. You never were inside, were you?”
She looks at me, and she knows she’s been caught out. She knows.
“Why lie to me?”
But I think I know, why she lied to me. I just don’t want to believe it, that she really could do this; that anyone could do this.
“There was no baby. Was there?”
As I ask that question I keep my eyes fixed on hers, but she can’t hold my gaze. She can’t do it. And now I know I’m right.
I can’t say anything, I’m too shocked. Too angry. I just shake my head and walk away, I leave her there. I’m done. I’m so fucking done…
135
Summer
What did I expect his reaction to be? Had I really thought he’d believe my lie? My sick and desperate lie…
136
Joss
I look up as Sam practically kicks the door open, his face a mask of something I can only describe as anger.
“Sam? Is Summer okay?”
“Summer’s just fine… Savvi, can I talk to Joss alone, please?”
Savvi looks at me, but I’m just as confused as she is.
“Go on. Go grab some lunch, I’ll talk to Sam.”
“All right…” She looks a little wary as she gathers her things together. And Sam gets that, I can tell. He’s trying to act calmer now, for her sake.
“Your mum really is fine, Savvi.”
Whatever’s happened, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to worry Savvi.
“She’s back home. Resting.”
“What about the baby?”
I watch Sam’s shoulders drop as he bows his head, rubs the back of his neck, and I feel my stomach sink. As much as I hate them both for what they did to me, I would never wish the pain of losing a child on anyone.
Savvi looks at me again, and I reach out to take her hand, giving it a quick squeeze. “I want to go see her, Joss.”
“She’s sleeping, Savvi,” Sam interjects, his head shooting up, and the look he throws me just confuses me even more. “Give her a couple of hours, okay?”
I smile slightly, give Savvi’s hand another quick squeeze. “Sam’s right. You should let her rest.”
She lets go of me and pulls her phone out of her pocket, checking the screen. “I’m going into town, with Danny. We’ll grab something to eat while we’re there.”
“I’ll come find you later.”
Sam and I wait until she’s closed the door behind her.
“Is Summer really okay?” I ask.
Sam leans back against the wall and closes his eyes, taking a long, deep breath. “She was never pregnant, Joss.”
His words slam into me. They hit me like a punch to the gut, I don’t know what to say. How to react.
“She lied to me, Joss. She lied to everyone.”
He opens his eyes and looks right at me. “They had no record of her, at the hospital. Because she was never there. Not until she asked me to pick her up…”
He tells me all he knows, and I listen, and I struggle to believe that the woman he’s talking about is the same woman I loved like a sister for all those years, until she slept with my husband. I struggle to understand how a woman like Summer – how any woman – could lie about something as tragic and cruel as a miscarriage.
“Did she… did she lie from the start? Did she make the whole thing up…?”
“I don’t know,” Sam sighs, dragging a hand back through his hair. “I don’t know.”
“You need to talk to her.”
“I don’t even want to look at her, Joss. I’m finished, I’m not doing this anymore…”
“You need to talk to her.”
He frowns, but I think he does, need to talk to her.
“She was willing to go to any lengths to take me from you, Joss. This has proved that.”
I shake my head, this was never entirely just Summer’s fault. “The second you slept with her, you lost me, Sam.”
He comes over to me, and I can see from his expression that he thinks this gives us hope, he’s wrong.
“I love you, Joss. I never stopped loving you…”
“You slept with my friend. You stopped loving me, even if it was just for a few, brief minutes. You stopped. Or you wouldn’t have gone there.”
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
I shake my head again, and I turn away, I don’t want to do this. “I know. But it changes nothing, Sam, this changes nothing.” I turn around, lean back against my desk and fold my arms. “You need to talk to her. You need to find out what really went on, I think you deserve to know the truth.”
“I don’t care…”
“You do. Deep down, you do care.”
“I hate being without you, Joss. It’s killing me, every day is a fucking nightmare…”
“I’m with Alex now.”
“You’re just turning to him because you need a distraction, come on, Joss, even you must be able to see that.”
I stare at him. He wants to believe that’s true, but it isn’t. Alex is not a distraction, he’s the man I should always have been with. He’s the man I have always loved.
“Go talk to Summer, before Savvi does. Find out the truth. Maybe then you’ll be able to move on.”
“I don’t want to move on.”
“That’s not my problem.”
“Did you really stop loving me, just like that?”
“No, Sam, I didn’t stop loving you just like that.”
“Then let’s not throw it all away, please, Joss, I’m begging you…”
“Alex asked me to marry him.”
His frown deepens. His expression is almost one of disbelief, and he laughs. Just a small laugh, but there’s a cynical edge to it.
“Seriously?”
“I love him, Sam. I’ve always loved him.”
“Not in the same way you love me.”
“No. Not in the same way I loved you. This is a deeper love, something that grew out of trust and a bond I will never share with anyone else…”
“He saw his fucking chance and he walked all over me to get to you, it’s what he’s always wanted, Joss.”
“All he’s ever wanted was to see me happy. He thought I was happy with you.”
“We were happy. We could still be happy.”
“I’m marrying him, Sam. As soon as our divorce is final, I’m marrying him.”
“What? In some kind of knee-jerk reaction? Because that’s what this sounds like, Joss…”
The sound of my phone ringing interrupts us, and I almost breathe a sigh of relief as I pull it out of my pocket. Stare down at the screen. It’s my mum, and I turn my back to Sam as I raise the phone to my ear. I walk over to the window and look outside, at students sitting on the grass, all of them hunched over their own phones, some of them acknowledging each other but in the main they’re all engrossed in their own private world. I watch as Connor stops and talks to some of them, crouching down so he’s on their level, and I smile as I see a handful of the female students suddenly rais
e their gaze, their “hot headteacher” suddenly has their undivided attention. And my focus remains on Connor as I answer the call.
“Hey, Mamma…”
137
Sam
She falls to the floor like a crumpled rag doll, her phone still in her hand, and I rush over to her. I pull her into my arms and I take the phone from her; I speak to her mum. I listen to what she has to say, and then I hang up. I pull Joss closer to me, I hold her, I don’t say anything. I can’t, say anything. I just let her cry, it’s all I can do, but I know we can’t stay here. Lunch break will be over soon, and Joss can’t stay here. Not now.
I tuck an arm around her waist, gently help her to her feet but I keep tight hold of her. I look out of the window, Connor’s out there, and I try to catch his attention. I knock on the glass, and as he turns to look at me I jerk my head back in a silent request for him to get in here. Now. I think he understood. And I wait, still cocooning Joss in my arms, brutal, painful sobs still wracking her body as she clings to me.
It takes just seconds for Connor to get to us, and when he sees us his expression is both confused and concerned.
“Sam?”
I feel my arm tighten around Joss’s waist as I look at Connor. As I get ready to say the words, because I can barely believe I heard them.
“It’s Alex. He’s dead.”
138
Joss
One second was all it took for my world to end. One second, and it was over. When he died I died with him, everything became pointless. Worthless. The lights went out and I was plunged into a darkness I didn’t know could exist. But it was where I wanted to be. For a while. A long time, actually.
He lost control of the car, that’s all. Something so stupid, so avoidable. One miniscule moment in time and everything changed.
The rain had been too heavy; impaired his vision, and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve screamed at him inside my head – why did he take the car out in that weather? Why didn’t he wait until the storm had passed? Why, Alex? Why…? Even now, months after his death, I still ask him, silently, why he wasn’t more careful. Why he didn’t think, of me. Of us. Why he took that risk. I miss him so much, every fibre of my being aches with the pain. Losing him is still something I’m trying to deal with, but it’s hard.
“Joss?”
I swing around to see Danny standing in the doorway. He looks so much like his father, it tears at my heart, but it also comforts me. A huge part of Alex is still here, and he always will be. I love Danny like a son, he’ll always be a part of my life. It’s the one thing that keeps me going now. A reason to get up in the morning
“Are you okay?”
He asks me that about a dozen times a day, and every time I tell him I’m fine, even though we both know I’m lying. We aren’t fine. We both loved him too much to be fine.
I hold out my hand and he comes into the room. He takes my hand and I pull him to me, I hold him, he’s all I have left of Alex now.
“If you want me to stay…”
I pull back and look at him. He’s so handsome, so much like Alex. And we were close before, but since his father’s death that family bond we’d created has only grown stronger. We need each other, and I will do everything I can to look after this young man.
“No, you need to go home now, Danny. Uni starts in a week…”
“I can defer, Joss.”
“You’re doing no such thing. You’ve worked too hard, through unbearable circumstances, to get those grades. You’ve made me so proud of you, kiddo… and your dad, he would’ve been so proud, too. But you’ve got to carry that forward, okay? You’ve got to go back home and make us even prouder.”
I look into his eyes – ice-blue eyes, just like his father’s – and I feel every bit of pain he’s still feeling. I wish I could suck it out of him, take it from him, make it mine. Instead, all I can do is be there for him.
“I miss him, Joss. So much.”
I pull him back into my arms, I kiss the top of his head and I breathe him in. “I know, baby. I miss him too.”
I’m still not sure I know how to live without him, I just know I have to try.
Danny pulls away from me, runs a hand through his hair; he’s trying to be strong again. For me. For everyone but himself, he doesn’t want people to think he’s still sad, but it’s okay, to be sad. Alex just wouldn’t want him to be sad forever, and deep down Danny knows that.
“Are you ever coming home?” he asks me, and I fold my arms and shake my head because I don’t think I can, go home. Because I’m already here. Back in Sweden. On Hönö Klåva. In the cabin Alex had, just minutes before his death, received the keys for.
“I need to be here now, Danny. I need to be close to him. And here – I feel close to him, here.”
He smiles a small smile, digs his hands in his pockets. “I get that.”
I smile too. “You come see me whenever you need to; whenever you want to, do you hear me? And when I finally sort out the house in Haga, you come and stay with me. All right? Your grandparents need to see you. We all need to see you.”
“Savvi misses you.”
“I know she does. I miss her, too. But she’s going to be very busy soon, as are you. You’ve both got new and exciting futures to look forward to.”
“And what about you? What about your future, Joss?”
“Don’t you worry about me, I’m going to be just fine. I start work in a new school in Gothenburg soon, and once I’m back teaching... We all need to start living again, Dan. We all need to do that, for your dad.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
I force another smile, but my heart is still breaking, the emptiness I feel inside is overwhelming. “Go on. Go finish packing. You need to leave in twenty minutes.”
He turns to go, then stops, turns back to face me. “Joss?”
“Yeah?”
“You two were more than just friends, weren’t you? In the end?”
I didn’t tell anyone, apart from Sam, that Alex and I had moved our relationship on. That we were in a very different place when he died, there was no need. Best friend or boyfriend, we were so close that my level of grief was understandable.
“We were,” I whisper, and once again I feel a painful pull in my gut, like a brutal kick to the stomach. “I loved him like I’ll never love anyone else.”
Danny smiles, and that makes me feel so much better. But the second he leaves the room I sink to the floor, and I fall apart all over again.
139
Sam
Somehow, Alex dying – it put everything else into perspective. It overshadowed any other crap that was going on, it focused all of our minds.
Summer explained everything, or she tried to. She told me she hadn’t lied about thinking she was pregnant. She’d really thought she had been, and when it came to light that she wasn’t, she panicked. She’d acted out of desperation, a character trait she never used to display. But I guess, sometimes, people are pushed to behave in ways they never thought they ever would. Ever could. Situations spiral out of control. We shouldn’t have let that happen, but we did, and we’re all paying the price. But Joss – she’s paid the highest price. She lost her marriage. Her friend. Her future.
I watched my wife fall apart in front of my eyes, in those weeks after Alex died. I watched her disappear into her own world, grieve alone because she wouldn’t let anyone get close. Except Danny, understandably. Summer and me, we mean nothing to her now. She can’t trust us, she doesn’t want to. Not anymore. But it wasn’t just Alex’s death that changed everything. We’d all been drifting apart for months. The circumstances we found ourselves in, the lies, the deceit; the betrayal. We couldn’t come back from that.
Joss left Millers Bridge about a month after Alex’s funeral in Sweden. In the village they both grew up in. Their home. She couldn’t settle back in the UK after that. She needed to be close to him, even in death, and that was something I just couldn’t compete with. That kind of love, it’s har
d to penetrate that bond. I still love her, I love her so much, I always will, but I understand – now – that we can never be together again. It took a tragedy for me to back off, to leave her alone; to do what she wanted me to do. I wanted to comfort her, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be there for her, but she didn’t want me anywhere near her. I had to respect that, no matter how painful it might have been.
I’m still here, at Millers Bridge. I took over the Deputy Head position after Joss left, the school needed someone who knew the students; the staff. Someone who could not only do the job but also help fix a school that had been broken after Alex’s death, because it hit both staff and students hard. Very hard. And I’m trying to bring this school back around now, trying to help get it back on its feet, the distraction is necessary. But it’s not a cure for my own pain. It doesn’t totally erase everything, all the regret. The frustration. It’ll never be enough to make me forget what I lost. But it helps. It helps…
140
Summer
I draw the curtains and squint slightly at the bright sunlight that floods the room. On the other side of the lane I can see the cows who live in the field opposite all gathering together as though indulging in some kind of morning meeting, and I smile slightly at the way my imagination works. I like to pretend something more interesting is going on, that’s all.
I had to move away. I couldn’t stay in Newcastle, not after everything that had happened. Alex’s death was a tragedy I just couldn’t deal with, it was too much. Watching my once-best-friend go through something so devastating and not be able to comfort her, it was heartbreaking. Thinking about everything Sam and I had done to her – I needed to leave. To run away? Maybe. I just didn’t think my being around was going to help Joss; help anyone. And I know there’s no future for me and Sam now. I’ve come to my senses, started to think rationally, I have no idea who I became – the woman who lied and cheated and vowed to destroy her best friend’s marriage. I don’t know who she was, but I’ve finally said goodbye to her. I’ve left her behind, and here, in my little cottage in the heart of the Somerset countryside, I’m starting again.
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