I have a Gift, but I’m still useless. I still don’t belong.
Each downward thrust, I saw the blade of blue sinking into dragon flesh, tendrils of smoke curling upward. Healing, so to speak, through destruction.
So much destruction.
I plunged my hands into icy water. “If I ever see Thorkel, I’ll kill him.”
“I hope you never see him, because that means you won’t be here.” Sylvia offered me a towel. “You saved that dragon’s life, amputating his wings.”
My skin grew raw and red, but I ignored the towel. “Some life. If I killed Thorkel, we wouldn’t have flightless dragons. If I—”
I could track him down. I had the directions in my boot, and an amplifier dangled from my neck. Bonding was soon, but I could get a horse now, ride there and—
Die. Thorkel and his followers had killed groups of dragons. With their mages. On my own, I had no prayer. I’d only been hurling fireballs for a few weeks.
Sylvia swayed.
I grabbed her with my wet hands. “We’ll both sleep here. I’ll make a bed.”
Giant bandages folded up into uncomfortable beds, but they were better than the rock floor. Sylvia fell asleep on one immediately, as if it were made of feathers. I stayed awake. The groans from the Infirmary drifted through the doorway. A human—the mage bonded to the wingless dragon—sobbed.
There is nothing Thorkel can tell me about my mother to make me spare him. Nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The courier dragons flew as fast as they could. Shamino arrived, rumpled and sore, in less than two days. By then we’d lost another dragon—we suspected internal bleeding. That brought the death toll to four.
“Good job, staying alive,” Shamino murmured to a dragon whose spear had just been removed. Sylvia and I thought it had pierced the fire chamber—and we’d been right. “You should be fine as long as you don’t move for a few days.”
We went to a dragon with broken bones. I watched as Shamino checked him over. His clothes were still wrinkled from flight, his eyes lined with darkness. There was a hollowness to his cheeks, too, not from his trip but as if he’d not eaten while at Dragonsridge.
“You set these well,” he murmured. Shamino’s eyes closed and his forehead wrinkled. The dragon hissed in discomfort as flesh shifted.
After Shamino had melded bones together, he repaired the tissue of a poisoned, pin-cushioned dragon. Last, he came to my wingless one. He stood still a long time, watching the dragon sleep.
“I should have been here,” he whispered as he wiped his eyes.
“You couldn’t have known we’d have wounded.”
“No. But I should have returned the moment that bastard died.” He stepped forward to inspect my work. The dragon woke; Shamino the healer hid his anguish and murmured encouragement to his patient.
I still love him.
When he finished, we went to his study to go over the rest of what he’d missed. Shamino slouched in his chair. I shivered; something about the angle of his body echoed the dying man’s posture in my vision.
I shook the prickles away and knelt beside his chair. I put a hand on his arm. “You couldn’t have saved them all. You couldn’t have healed fast enough.”
“But I could have saved one—”
“I thought that, too, but the first dragon was dead within minutes of landing. I know you could have healed the green’s wings…” I swallowed. I had nightmares of that moment, and sometimes I had to leave the dining hall when it smelled too strongly of roast. “But even with your Gift, the wings would have taken too long to mend. Others would have died as they waited.”
“You don’t know—” He put his hand over his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. They’re dead.”
I squeezed his arm. He shifted forward and slipped his arms around my neck. He held me tight, and I couldn’t help but hold him back. His body shook as he took a breath and buried his face in my hair. He smelled of wind and dragon and weariness.
I want this forever. My face burned with shame. While Shamino blamed himself for dragons dying, I was enjoying a hug.
“I missed you,” he whispered into my neck.
And I you, my heart cried, but my lips said nothing.
At my silence, he withdrew. “Catch me up.”
I opened the records and we went over them. The Infirmary report came last.
“We need more people,” he whispered. “Sylvia needs an apprentice, and we can’t rely on volunteers with no experience securing bandages. The Quarters has done fine without many people thus far, but with the war… are you planning to stay?”
“Excuse me?”
“Tomorrow. Bonding for the trainees.” He stared at my notes. “You can request a different assignment.”
Bonding. I’d completely forgotten with my duties as Seneschal. “I assume I’m staying.”
“What if Merram ordered you to go to Dragonsridge?”
“He’d never do that.”
“But let’s say he did.” Shamino studied me with an intensity that was unsettling. “It’s not impossible—your Gift makes you an impressive political tool. Would you be happy?”
The very thought terrified me. A life of parties and dances, no Tressa to outshine me or to make my excuses. It had been some time since our falling out. While I regretted the way our friendship had ended, I did not miss the stress it had given me.
My expression must have said it all, because Shamino nodded. “Court would destroy everything that makes you wonderful.”
“Merram hasn’t said anything about sending me, has he?” Merram knew my blood, he knew the risk. Yet, I hadn’t understood most of his decisions thus far. “Can you tell him—”
“You’re fine. It’s just something I wanted to know, in case anyone tried to lure you from the Quarters.”
The melancholy had returned, which wasn’t surprising given the dragons’ deaths. I couldn’t help but feel, however, that I had missed something important.
The feeling intensified when Shamino pulled me to standing. “I want you happy, Dragonling. I’ll see to it that you’re never forced to go to the capitol.”
“… thanks.”
Shamino kissed my forehead. There was a finality to it that made panic rise in my chest. Then he told me to rest, and I found myself in the hallway.
I definitely had missed something. I just didn’t know what.
Early the next morning, commoners moved my belongings to an apartment in an outer corridor. When I entered my new chambers, everything was identical, except for the extra door in my main room.
Once I bond, the dragon will know everything. My past. My secrets. My fears. I prayed that my terror of being found out would convince the dragon to stay silent. I took a deep breath and entered the cave.
“It is you,” I said. A smile spread across my face.
*Naturally.* Mettalise sat in all her beauty, giving me a draconian grin. A pile of quartz already formed her bed, and endless crystals dangled from the ceiling. So many rainbows, on the walls and on her silvery, opal scales. Her room was one of light and color. *You deserve the best.*
I laughed, because I believed Mettalise to be that arrogant. “Now what?”
*Have a seat.* She gestured to a plush white sofa with elegant woodwork. *I do everything. You relax.*
“Does it hurt?”
Mettalise considered for a moment. *Not exactly, but I’m told the sensation is… strange. You’ll know the moment of the bond.*
“You’ll keep my secrets?” I asked, heart pounding.
Mettalise lowered her head until a midnight-blue eye was an arm’s-length from my face. *Always.*
I wiped sweaty palms on my breeches and lay on the sofa where a rainbow wouldn’t strike my eyes. Mettalise touched my leg with a claw. I heard nothing but draconian breathing and my own thundering heartbeat. Pressure increased in my head, somewhat like a headache, yet not painful. Invasive. I squirmed, uncomfortable, and my scalp prickled.
Everyt
hing disappeared as images exploded in my mind.
Fire. White-hot fire flows over my scales. A surge of love and safety and warmth. A delicate pink dragon, enormous, smiles as she nuzzles me with her snout. Exhilaration of first flight, wind caresses my wings as I glide. My heart spirals to the heavens as I dive through clouds. Rage as an adolescent Maolmuire smashes into me, knocking me out of the air. The crunch of bone as I land, flashes of pain. A nervous young human with auburn hair touches my leg and the pain fades. Curiosity as he brings another young human to meet me, her eyes as deep a blue as a sapphire. A human who treats dragons as people and not as beasts. Approval, admiration...
The images ceased. I sat blinking at Mettalise, who blinked at me. Then a gust of emotion, greater than any gale from a storm, slammed into me.
*You ARE in love with him!*
I nearly passed out. So much excitement, but none of it mine, I was drowning—it diminished and I gasped.
*Sorry about that. I’ll teach you to block—oh, this is perfect!* Another surge of glee crashed into me. *Sorry!*
I gripped the arm of the sofa so hard my nails scraped the wood. Where were my own feelings? “You can’t tell him.”
Offense. *I told you, your secrets are mine. Except, I think he suspects. He does love you, all of us have picked up on it. You can mate at any time.*
At the word ‘mate,’ I coughed. She laughed. Then she sobered. *You are absolutely terrified of him knowing. I don’t understand.*
I tried to explain the difference of our births, how courting would lead to exposure and ruin. Explaining took forever. Mettalise knew less of human culture than I expected.
*A human’s a human, so I don’t see the issue. You both have the Gift, thus you’re compatible. And I don’t understand why your mother’s identity matters. However...* Mettalise lowered her head to look me in the eye again. *I do see that it matters to you. So while you’re being a silly human, I’ll not tell a soul.*
I thanked her, and she began to explain how to set up a block so I could temporarily keep emotions, thoughts, and sensations from being shared between us. Halfway through her explanation, she went silent and cocked her head.
*Oh my. I’m not the only confused dragon today. Ahayla says Paige is about to—* A bell rang in my new cave. *She’s here.*
Paige had bonded with Ahayla? The lavender dragon was sweet, a good match for my friend. I smiled as I went to open the door. My smile died as Paige stormed inside.
“Did your dragon tell you? Because I’m going to kill him.”
“What?”
“I mean, he’s done dumb things before, but this?” Paige threw up a hand. Her pale face had turned solid red. “How could he?”
I closed the hall door with bewilderment. Paige only cared about two men: Jerroth, whom she secretly liked, and Shamino. “What did Shamino do?”
Paige’s jaw fell open. “You don’t know. Damn. Um. Sit down?”
Something Shamino had done had caused Paige to show emotion, and it required me to sit? I gestured to the cave door. “In here. I just bonded with Mettalise.”
After curt greetings between the two, Paige wrung her hands while I took a seat.
“Is Shamino leaving?” I asked, my chest tight. “Permanently, because of his estate?”
Paige blinked. “No. That’s not it. Shamino is, well, he’s going to dinner. With Tressa.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I went numb all over. “Tressa.”
“Yes.” Her teeth clacked, but she managed to stay calm, if biting. “Ahayla overheard him ask her. During the bond, she noticed Shamino and I were friends, so she thought she’d tell me the exciting news.”
*It is certainly not exciting!* Mettalise interjected with a flare of her nostrils. *All of us want him with you. Surely she’s wrong. Tressa didn’t get a dragon—Shamino cannot love a dragonless girl.*
“It’s not about love,” I murmured, still numb.
A wave of angry confusion. It was the oddest sensation, someone else’s emotions crashing into me. I heard myself ask, “What about Jerroth?”
“Abandoned.” Paige climbed onto a nearby chair and wrapped her arms around her knees. “The latest heartbroken man in a long chain.”
Mettalise snorted. *Well, Jerroth is an idiot. He accepted Maolmuire’s offer to bond.* A pause. Mettalise cocked her head. *How in the endless sky are you doing that numbing thing?*
“It’s just dinner,” I said, ignoring her. “Maybe he feels bad because she didn’t bond?”
I sounded completely sheep-brained.
Paige stared, as if I were worse than a sheep. She leaned forward and touched my hand. “Adara, I’m afraid he plans to marry her.”
“What?” I pulled back.
*Finally, a reaction. Quick, go punch her and kiss him. You can steal her dessert, too.*
“Will you just—hush,” I told Mettalise. And then to Paige, “You can’t know that. It’s just dinner.”
“It’s dinner with the fiancée of his dead brother.” Paige still spoke gently, as if treading on dragon’s teeth. “Adara, you know how Shamino avoids women. He’s taking her to eat at The Cliffs in the Social Mountain. Tomorrow, the entire Kyer will talk about it.” She shook her head. “Tressa didn’t bond, so she can run the estate for him. And she can’t marry any higher—he’s the best that will ever offer. Two weeks is a proper courtship for these things. I promise, he’s proposing in two weeks.”
*Which is why punching her now is the best way to avoid a bunch of nonsense.*
Paige watched me carefully. Mettalise became more exasperated. That was the problem with not being able to block; she felt my acceptance as it happened. Because I could not claim Shamino as mine, even if I wished to.
“Yesterday he asked if I’d represent the Kyer at court,” I said slowly.
Paige put her forehead in her hands. “And of course you took him literally and said no. Well...” She grabbed my arm. “This is easy to fix. Come on.”
I jerked away and stayed sitting. “There is no ‘fix.’”
She joined me on the sofa. “Adara, I’ve stayed silent about you two, but we don’t have time anymore. Do not let him ally with her.”
“There’s nothing I can do.”
Paige began to protest, but Mettalise rang louder. *I could eat her.* I whipped my head around, and Mettalise held up a claw. *Joking! But seriously, you have to fight.*
“I can’t,” I said to both of them. I stood, but where could I run? I choked back the sob forming in my throat. “I can’t play the Game, I can’t be what he needs—”
“He needs a good steward for the estate and a wife to love him here, at the Kyer. He needs you. Please!” Paige grabbed my arm again. “He’s depressed because of all that’s happened. He’d never choose her otherwise. He rejected her years ago! You can’t let him make the greatest mistake of his life.”
I struggled against her.
“I know you like him!”
I couldn’t hold the tears back. They began to spill.
I love him.
Through my blurry vision, a streak of silver lowered between Paige and me. Mettalise gently pushed Paige back so she’d let go.
*Paige is right, but I will defend you. Even from your friends.*
“Fine!” Paige snapped. “I’ll talk to him. I know this is wrong, and you are—are—a bumbling peasant!”
The door to Mettalise’s cave slammed.
Mettalise held me in her claws as best she could while I cried. The smooth, hot scales of her hand gave me little comfort except for the knowledge that, for once, I wasn’t alone.
Mettalise’s voice gently entered my mind. *Why do you not tell her your secret?*
I wiped my eyes. “She wants to play the Game.”
That thoroughly confused her.
I stammered through a poor explanation. It helped calm me. “If it wasn’t for the Illusioned tiger, Paige never would have come to the Kyer. And while she’s not an active player, she’s always thi
nking in terms of the Game. She made all those assumptions about Shamino and Tressa in minutes.”
*It doesn’t mean she will tell. Paige may know a way out of this mess.*
My gut still said no. “Paige expected me to stop being friends with her when my magic began to work, because I’m a blue and she’s so low. She’s always telling me I’m a fool.”
*Ah. So if she expects betrayal from you, it could be because it is an action she would consider herself. Thus, there’s no way to ensure her secrecy.* Mettalise bowed her head. *Forgive me. I chose you partly for your intelligence, so I should not doubt you.*
I snorted. “You can doubt me. I always do.”
*Only because you have self-confidence issues.*
She fell silent, and I felt her thinking. As for me…
“It has to be this way, Mettalise,” I whispered. “I can’t stay here if people know about my mother.” A pressure—I interrupted Mettalise’s mental speech. “Even if Shamino forgave me for lying to him about, well, everything, he wouldn’t be allowed to stay Seneschal if he courted me. I’ll not ruin his life. I… I love him too much for that.”
Mettalise put a full block against her discontent and held me tight.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
After one week of Shamino’s courtship, I wished I’d listened to Mettalise. I should have punched Tressa and stolen her dessert.
At first, Shamino and Tressa made sense to me. Tressa had beauty, wealth, social grace and connections, and the convenience of not being at the Kyer much longer. If nobles didn’t marry for love, as many professed, then Tressa made the perfect partner.
I hated, however, what it did to Shamino.
He stopped being him. I never saw him in the Quarters, and not just because he avoided me. He simply was never there. Tressa kept him on tour, showing him off at every public affair—and it turned out that the elderly mages not at war kept full days. Tressa claimed him during her free time as well. The few times I did see Shamino, he seemed stressed, miserable, and exhausted.
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