by Gina Azzi
* * *
Taps is packed with end-of-semester revelers. Students huddle outside, smoking cigarettes, and wrapping scarves tighter around their necks.
I roll my eyes. “It isn’t even cold.”
“Don’t judge,” Sam scolds me. “This is the closest we get to winter fashion.”
When we enter Taps, all of us scan the room, searching for an available table. Kristen’s eyes widen and she beelines for the bar, managing to snag a corner. Kristen and I occupy the barstools, with Sam standing between us. He rests his elbows on the bar, hunching forward to catch the bartender’s attention.
However, the bartender is distracted by a petite redhead with an annoying giggle.
“Is this a joke?” Sam wonders aloud, sliding a hundred-dollar bill on the bar. After that, we are served in moments.
“Okay, I got it,” Sam begins. “For Chris and me,” he says after noting mine and Kristen’s confused expressions. “Christmas gifts,” he reminds us.
“Oh yeah.” I nod. “What are you thinking?”
“How about Balinese couple’s massages at Eden Rock?”
Kristen snorts, her mojito dribbling out of her nose. She is doubled up with laughter and I join in. Kristen and I are clutching our sides, wiping our hands across the backs of our mouths to keep our drinks from running down our chins. Kristen coughs loudly and the bartender pushes extra napkins in our general direction.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” she asks Sam, clearing her throat. “Who are you?”
“We’re students,” I remind him. “We’re supposed to eat Raman and furnish our apartments with things we find on the side of the road.”
Sam’s mouth falls open, appalled. “That is tragic,” he tells me seriously. “We are adults. We should act like it.”
“How can you even afford that?” Kristen asks him.
Sam shrugs. “Priorities.”
“Well, whatever we suggest now as Christmas gifts for Cade and Joe is going to sound incredibly lame.” She smacks Sam lightly on the back.
“Not my fault you’re content living your student lifestyle,” Sam responds, marking air-quotes around the word student.
Kristen rolls her eyes, pushing her shoulder forward to block Sam out of her line of vision. “What are you thinking?” She focuses her attention on me.
I shrug. “I have no idea. I was so worried about Cade wanting to spend Christmas with me that I didn’t even think about presents.”
She nods. “I’m meeting Joe’s extended family.”
“What?” Sam interjects, leaning back in. “You’re going home with him for Christmas.”
Kristen nods, chewing her bottom lip. “Yeah. And he’s coming home with me for New Years.”
“Wow.” I whistle lightly.
“I know.” She hangs her head. “I have no idea what to get him.”
Sam tilts his head to the side, thinking. “Bring two bottles of wine with you in case you visit any family members’ houses. Oh and three nicely wrapped boxes of Godiva chocolate.” He gives her a pointed look. “You can’t go wrong with that and it’s a good backup present. For Miers’s parents, I suggest a bottle of wine, or scotch. Does his dad drink scotch?”
Kristen shrugs.
“Well, find out. If so, I’ll pick one up for you. And then frame a great photo of Miers playing football. Parents eat those things up, and then you’ll strike a solid balance between sophisticated and sweet.”
Kristen nods along, her eyes trained on Sam, making mental notes of all of his suggestions. “Okay,” she agrees.
Sam turns to look at me.
“Am I up?” I ask sarcastically.
“Kristen was right. For this Christmas, given everything Cade is going through, you better go the thoughtful route.”
“Such as …” I prompt.
He shrugs. “I’ll have to think about it.”
The bartender brings over another round and we cheers to the end-of-the-semester. The conversation shifts to New Years’ Eve plans, the first things we’re going to do when we get home, and how we’re planning to survive next semester without each other. We take one final tequila shot to celebrate the end of our semester.
After a fun afternoon of day drinking, The Three Amigos retire. We’re all exhausted, full, and slightly drunk. I’m settling into bed, Kristen’s slight snore puncturing the dark every few seconds, when a thought pops into my mind. I know exactly what to do for Cade’s Christmas gift!
I congratulate myself on being brilliant and drift into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
Chapter Forty-Four
Cade
My surgery is four days away. At this point, I’m ready. Lila has kept me busy for the past week with her new Christmas traditions. She taught me how to bake Christmas sugar cookies. We made struffoli and showed her friend Mia on FaceTime. She put Miers and Hendrix to work cutting out paper snowflakes and stringing popcorn. Suddenly, our football house of sweaty T-shirts and dirty sneakers is transformed into a warm, cozy Christmas hearth. Well, at least the living room is.
Mamma has been beside herself, worrying about me, about everything. She desperately wants to fly out and be with me in the days leading up to the surgery, but she will miss too many days of work. I know Dad is trying his best to rein her in, but a worried mother is a force to be reckoned with. Instead, I, along with the help of Dad, Uncle Ronnie, and some cousins, convince her to stay home and fly out with Dad the night before my surgery. Miers even called her to reassure her that I was in good hands and that he was looking out for me. Man, that guy really does have my best interests in mind. All the time.
I met with my team of doctors and they walked me through the plan. Surgery, they’re still confident that they can get all of the tumor, followed by rounds of chemo to make sure that if the cancer is lurking in other parts of my body, its eradicated. Then comes physical therapy.
And really, the acceptance of it all.
I look down at my body, flexing my quads to hold my legs straight out in front of me. My legs are skinny and weak looking, but still my legs. It’s hard to believe that cancer is inside, plaguing my body, destroying pieces of me. I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet.
At this point, I’m just grateful that they don’t have to take the lower portion of my leg. For a minute, I wondered if this would be best. Just cut it off and make sure the cancer is gone. Get it over with now so I don’t have to revisit this entire experience in another few years. Maybe I’ll be married by then. Or have a baby. Then, I’ll have to put more people than Mamma and Dad and Miers … and Lila … through this nightmare.
Dr. Somers assures me that amputation isn’t necessary at this point in time and advises against it, showing me my scans and going over the surgery again to fully explain how the surgical team will remove the entire mass.
I take a swig of water from the bottle next to my bed. The cool liquid is refreshing going down my throat. I lay my head back against the pillows. I’m tired but for some reason, sleep eludes me.
Man, I’ll be relieved to get this all over with.
Four days until game time.
Victory is mine.
* * *
Two days before the surgery, the team drops by. Gilly is absent from the group and I’m glad. Finals are finished. Everyone is gearing up for their holiday break. It’s a somber gathering. Although they bring along balloons (Hendrix insists they’re more bad ass than flowers) and a huge Get Well card that all the guys signed, their behavior is anything but cheery. Miers tries his best to lighten the mood and cracks a few jokes, but most of the guys seem tense, stressed out, and unsure how to act around me. After an hour of conversation marked with awkward silences, eye contact aversions, and shuffling feet, the team leaves.
Two days.
* * *
The day before my surgery, Lila comes over. Her eyes are sparkling, deep blue like the flat surface of a lake at sunrise. God, she’s mesmerizing.
Her hair is messily braided and sways
when she walks. Her smile is genuine. The way her face lights up when she sees me is a punch to my gut. She’s carrying one of her shoulder bags. It slouches over her shoulder and bumps against her hip as she walks.
I nod to the bag. “What’ve you got?”
She smiles sneakily. “Goodies for tomorrow.”
“Like what?”
She shrugs. “All sorts of stuff. I’ll let you take a peek after your surgery. What time do your parents arrive?”
“Their flight lands around 4:00 PM. Miers is picking them up from the airport.”
Lila nods, chewing her lip. “That’s nice. Do you think they’ll mind if I sit with them tomorrow during your surgery?”
She’s nervous. I can tell by the way she averts my gaze and twists her cardigan around her wrist. She’s the first real girl I’ll ever introduce to my parents. Of course, Mamma and Dad used to meet the girls Jared and I ran around with in high school by default. And Dad would always cheer on our crazy antics to secure a date. The entire neighborhood was always aware of everyone’s business, and you couldn’t help but run into someone’s mom or pop when you were out and about with a girl. But it’s never been like this before, this real, this important. I know Mamma and Dad will love Lila. What’s not to love?
“I’m sure they’ll really appreciate the company. Maybe you can distract Mamma from worrying.” I smile. “Then you’d be doing Dad a big favor too.”
She nods. “Miers will be there too?”
“Of course I’ll be there too,” Miers answers, strolling into my room and plopping down on my desk chair. His blond hair is growing back in and sticks up at odd angles. “Wouldn’t miss it. What’ve you got?” He nods toward Lila’s shoulder bag.
“For tomorrow!”
“Then why’d you bring it today.”
Lila shrugs. “I wasn’t sure if you would want to me stick around or not. I mean, I know your parents are in town.” She trails off, looking at me.
Crap. I haven’t even considered where Lila would sleep tonight. She’s been staying with me constantly, but I know she still has access to her dorm. What would Mamma think of a girl staying over? I mean, I’m sure she knows that girls share my bed, but it’s one thing for her to know and another thing for her to see it. Dad would definitely approve so there’s no need to worry about his reaction.
Miers cracks up, pointing at me and laughing at my predicament. I shoot him a dirty look.
“Why don’t you have dinner with Kristen and me tonight?” he suggests, looking at Lila, a wild grin still plastered to his face. “Give Cade and his parents some time to hash things out. Then you can figure out your sleeping arrangements.”
Lila blows out the breath she was holding and nods appreciatively at Miers. “Sounds good, thanks.”
I give him a grateful look but don’t say anything.
* * *
As it turns out, there’s nothing to be worried about. When Mamma, Dad, and Miers come through the front door a little after 6:00 PM, Mamma scoops me into her arms like I’m still a five-year-old boy. I suppose in her eyes I am. She kisses my cheek and places her palms on the sides of my face, looking into my eyes and studying me. I’m not sure what she’s searching for, but I’m relieved when she finds it. The tension around her eyes suddenly goes slack and a small smile twists across her lips. She pats my cheek once and lets Dad embrace me in a bear hug. He thumps his fist against my back a few times.
“Good to see you, Champ. You look good.” He smiles, the skin around his blue eyes crinkling.
Then they turn to Lila. Mamma studies her for a moment before a big smile crosses her face. Dad smiles from the moment he spots her, nudging me in the ribs as if to say, isn’t she a looker?
“Hello, Mrs. Wilkins, Mr. Wilkins. It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Lila,” Lila says gracefully, extending her hand.
Mamma watches her for a moment, and I see a flash of panic in Lila’s eyes. Then Mamma smiles and swats her extended hand away, enveloping Lila into a warm hug. “I know who you are, love. It’s a pleasure to meet you too.”
Lila’s eyes flutter closed as Mamma hugs her, and I smile to myself. Of course Mamma would make Lila feel like part of the family. She’s already surmised how much Lila means to me. And as the saying goes, mothers always know best.
Mamma steps back and smiles sincerely at Lila. “Thank you for taking such good care of my boy.
Dad leans forward and kisses Lila hello on the cheek. “Good to meet you, Lila. We’ve heard a lot about you, and it’s nice to finally put a face to the name. Now then…” Dad pauses, looking at Miers “…tell me more about this steak restaurant we’re going to. I’m starving and could really go for a beer.”
“Uh, Dad, I think Miers—” I start to explain about Miers’s dinner plans with Kristen when Kristen walks through the front door, cutting me off.
“Okay. I’m here. Ready to go?” she asks Miers. I note how her southern drawl causes Mamma to smile by reflex. “Oh hello! You must be Mr. Wilkins. And Mrs. Wilkins. Hi, I’m Kristen, Miers’s girlfriend and Lila’s roommate. It’s good to meet you.” She smiles at Mamma and Dad, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Cade, you’re not even ready,” she scolds me.
I’m confused. I can tell by the look on Lila’s face that she’s also confused.
“Dude,” Miers cuts in, “it’s your last night before surgery. Let’s hit Anchor’s. Beers, steaks, burgers. It’s a necessity for the Last Supper.”
I chuckle. “Right. That makes sense.” I shake my head at him. “Give me five minutes to put something decent on.”
I head back to my room, mentally assessing which clothes are clean to wear to dinner at Anchor’s Tavern. Of course Miers would want me to have an epic last dinner. Suddenly, I just feel incredibly happy to have this moment, something as simple as a dinner, surrounded by all the people I love best.
Chapter Forty-Five
Lila
I’m nervous about meeting Cade’s parents. Especially his mother. Moms are always more difficult than dads. But when his parents walk through the front door and envelop Cade with their love and support, my anxiety subsides. Cade’s dad is tall and brawny. He has a similar build to Cade’s. His light brown hair is still thick, graying slightly at the temples, and his blue eyes crinkle when he smiles. His face is open, humor evident in the twist of his mouth. Cade’s mom is petite. She’s wearing a dark blue jersey dress, the belt cinching her tiny waist. Her skin is a shade darker than Cade’s and her eyes are a deep, warm brown. Her hair is styled in thin braids and pinned back from her face, highlighting her high cheekbones and warm eyes.
When her eyes stop on my face, studying me, I feel a flash of uncertainty and try to be polite. But Cade’s mom pulls me into a hug and the warmth and sincerity she emits settles me immediately. It’s no wonder Cade and Mrs. Wilkins are so close. She embodies every motherly instinct possible and bestows her mothering on Cade and everyone surrounding him. I notice the way Mr. Wilkins reaches out to place a hand on her arm or discreetly kisses her shoulder or the back of her hand. Its obvious Cade’s parents are still in love with each other. It’s so sweet the way they laugh at each other, poking jokes and sharing secret smiles. Cade’s mom is all warmth and thoughtfulness. His dad is all humor and easy-going smiles. The love they share is humbling.
Cade thoroughly enjoys the dinner Miers planned for him. We occupy a corner table at Anchor’s Tavern and for the entire dinner, it’s as if everything is normal. Cade isn’t sick. He isn’t having surgery tomorrow morning. I’m not meeting his parents for the first time under these stressful circumstances. Instead, it’s as if Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins came to California for a visit and treated Cade and his friends to a steak dinner.
Miers and Hendrix keep Mr. Wilkins laughing with stories about Cade, his gruff laugh garnering the attention of nearby tables. He laughs heartily. Like Cade. Mrs. Wilkins asks Kristen and me about our plans for medical school and listens earnestly as I tell her that I’ve changed my mind and plan to pursue a m
aster’s in social work instead. Her eyes are void of judgment and she nods encouragingly as I tell her my plans, plans I wasn’t even aware I had formed, although I subconsciously must have been thinking about for some time.
She asks questions out of curiosity, allowing me to stumble through my responses, forming my thoughts for my future. And afterward, a massive burden is lifted from my shoulders. I revel in the newfound confidence that I will need to draw on when I finally talk to my dad. I have a plan!
When the check comes, Mr. Wilkins reaches for it graciously, amidst protests, and Cade’s trying to slide his credit card into the mix. Mr. Wilkins shakes his head firmly and fixes Cade with a look that has him pulling back his credit card and thanking his parents for dinner.
We leave Anchor’s Tavern thanking Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins profusely for a lovely meal. When we arrive back at Cade’s house, Mr. Wilkins looks at us and winks, retiring to one of the empty rooms for the evening, pulling Mrs. Wilkins behind him, and calling goodnight over his shoulder.
Cade chuckles unexpectedly and pulls me close, kissing the top of my head. “Looks like you’ve gotten the seal of approval.”
I smile, relaxing in his embrace, breathing him in.
He feels like home.
* * *
The next morning, Cade, his parents, and I arrive at the hospital at 6:00 AM. I wander to the cafeteria, buying Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins and myself coffees and some snacks. When I come back to the registration desk, Mrs. Wilkins is dabbing at her eyelids with a cream handkerchief. I notice the initials JCW embroidered along the edge in royal blue. She smiles at me when she looks up.
“Coffee?” I ask, holding out a steaming cup.
“Thank you, Lila,” she says, taking the cup from me. “Cade just went to have his blood pressure and vitals checked. He’ll be right back to see you.”
I nod. Mrs. Wilkins and I retire to the waiting room where Mr. Wilkins is sitting, reading a magazine, his right ankle crossed over his left knee. The same blue chairs from the night of Cade’s football injury. The same blue ribbon of paint gliding over the white walls. I’m momentarily transported in time. Three months ago. My entire life has changed in three months time. I snort, laughing at myself, and Mr. Wilkins looks up but doesn’t comment on my odd behavior.