adore.
'Our Puddin', we repeat, You really cannot beat, And here are we its owners three Who graciously intreat You'll be at our request, The Puddin'-owners' guest.'
'For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,' said Ben, 'Ithank you. As one market-gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say Iwouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers thanyourselves.'
With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire,and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while thePuddin' was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked--
'All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her, Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.'
To which Benjimen handsomely replied--
'Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners, Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors.'
And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.
Fourth Slice
'This is what I call satisfactory,' said Bill, as they sat at breakfastnext morning. 'It's a great relief to the mind to know that thempuddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and that ourPuddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes.'
'You're a bun-headed old optimist,' said the Puddin' rudely.'Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer fromblighted hopes and suppressed activity.'
'Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?' asked Bill, sternly. 'Don'tyou know that nothin' gives a man greater remorse than havin' his facepunched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?'
'I have grave doubts myself,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'as to the sincerityof their repentance'; and Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a marketgardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion snatchers, pumpkinpouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion thatshooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feelremorse.
In fact, as Sam said--
'The howls and groans of pain and grief, The accents of remorse, Extracted from a puddin'-thief Are all put on, of course.'
'Then, all I can say is,' cried Bill, enraged, 'if there's any more ofthis business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing ourPuddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, shovin' bags overour heads, blow me if I don't give up Puddin'-owning in despair and taketo keepin' carrots for a livin'.'
The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eatan extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Billa turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However,at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some verydespondent remarks.
'For what is the good of havin' a noble trustin' nature,' said he, 'forevery low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as Ican see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, andchance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief.'
'Come,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I see you are not your wonted,good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the generalgaiety, I call on you to sing the _Salt Junk Sarah_ without delay.'
This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest heartinessroared out--
'Ho, aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_ Rollin' round the ocean wide, The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state, He kissed the bo'sun's bride.
'Rollin' home, rollin' home, Home across the foam; The bo'sun rose and punched his nose And banged him on the dome.'
At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, and thatput a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the public streetsunless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town of Tooraloo is one ofthose dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places where all the people whoaren't asleep are only half awake, and where dogs pass away their liveson the footpaths, and you fall over cows when taking your eveningstroll.
There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment theyarrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out frombehind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of the road,yelling 'Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!'
The travellers naturally stared with amazement at this peculiarconduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of themthey sprang up, and striking an attitude expressive of horror, shouted:
'Behold the puddin'-thieves!'
'Behold the what?' exclaimed Bill.
'Puddin'-thieves,' said one of the bell-topperers. 'For well you knowthat that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its parents andguardians, which is ourselves.' And the other bell-topperer added, 'Denyit not, for with that dear Puddin' in your hand your guilt is manifest.'
'Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish,' exclaimed Bill.'Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, actually accusin'us of stealin' our own Puddin'. Why, it's outside the bounds ofcomprehension!'
'It's enough to stagger the senses,' said Sam.
'It's enough to daze the mind with horror,' said Bill.
'Come, come,' said the bell-topperers, 'cease these expressions ofamazement and hand over the stolen Puddin'.'
'What d'yer mean,' exclaimed Bill, 'by calling this a stolen Puddin'?It's a respectable steak-and-kidney, apple-dumplin', grand digestivePuddin', and any fellers in pot-hats sayin' it's a stolen Puddin' isscoundrels of the deepest dye.'
'Never use such words to people wearing bell-toppers,' said one of thebell-topperers, and the other added, 'With that dear Puddin' gazing upto heaven, how can you use such words?'
'All very fine, no doubt,' sneered Bill, 'but if you ain't scoundrels ofthe deepest dye, remove them hats and prove you ain't afraid to look usin the eye.'
'No, no,' said the first bell-topperer. 'No removing hats at present onaccount of sunstroke, and colds in the head, and doctor's orders. Mydoctor said to me only this morning, "Never remove your hat." Those werehis words. "Let it be your rule through life," he said, "to keep thehead warm, whatever happens."'
'No singing "God save the King", neither,' said the other bell-topperer.'Let your conduct be noble, and never sing the National Anthem to peoplewearing bell-toppers.'
'In fact,' said the first bell-topperer, 'all we say is, hand over thePuddin' with a few well-chosen words, and all ill-feeling will bedropped.'
Bill was so enraged at this suggestion that he dashed his hat on theground and kicked it to relieve his feelings. 'Law or no law,' heshouted, 'I call on all hands to knock them bell-toppers off.'
All hands made a rush for the bell-topperers, who shouted, 'AnEnglishman's hat is his castle,' and Top-hats are sacred things'; butthey were overpowered by numbers, and their hats were snatched off. 'THEPUDDIN'-THIEVES!' shouted the company.
Those bell-toppers had disguised that snooting, snouting scoundrel, thePossum, and his snoozing, boozing friend the Wombat! There was animmense uproar over this discovery, Bill and Sam flapping andsnout-bending away at the puddin'-thieves, the puddin'-thieves roaringfor mercy. Ben denounced them as bag snatchers, and Bunyip Bluegumexpressed his indignation in a fine burst of oratory, beginning:
'Base, indeed, must be those scoundrels, who, lost to all sense ofdecency and honour, boldly assume the outward semblance of worthycitizens, and, by the pretentious nature of their appearance, not onlyseek the better to impose upon the noble credulity of Puddin'-owners,but, with dastardly cunning, strike a blow at Society's most sacredemblem--the pot-hat.'
The uproar brought the Mayor of Tooraloo hastening to the scene,followed by the local constable. The Mayor was a little, fat,breathless, beetle-shaped man, who hastened with difficulty owing to hisrobe of office being trodden on by the Constable, who ran close behindhim in order to finish eating a banana in secret. He had some morebananas in a paper bag, and his face was one of those feeble faces thatmake one think of eggs and carrots and feathers, if you take my meaning.
'How now, how now!' shouted the Mayor. 'A riot going on here, adisturbance in the town of Tooraloo. Constable, arrest these rioters anddisturbers.'
'Before going to
extremes,' said the Constable, in a tremulous voice,'my advice to you is, read the Riot Act, and so have all the honour andglory of stopping the riot yourself.'
'Unfortunately,' said the
The Magic Pudding Page 11