by Iris Deorre
Ella gave her a look that gave her the answer.
‘Okay, perhaps a tad over the top.’
Ella laughed and took a moment to search through her bag.
‘So what did you think about that guy I told you about?’ Ella took a sip of the wine.
‘Please don’t start.’
‘He really wants to meet up with you.’ Ella had been trying for a while to hook Jasmine up with one of her friends.
‘Why?’ Jasmine was genuinely surprised he’d wanted to meet her.
‘He thinks you’re pretty.’
‘Sure he does, have you shown him the latest picture of me.’
Ella took a deep breath and studied her friend for a moment. It never made any sense why Jasmine would tear herself down the way she did. In her eyes she was a beautiful woman with all the curves in the right places. Her face was absolutely beautiful and she was blessed with great skin. Ella had Simon, her fiancé and wanted her friend to at least try dating her friend Paul.
‘Come on, just one date.’
‘You and I both know how my dates go.’ Jasmine shuddered at the memories. She’d tried, convinced by Ella to go out with a guy but it always turned out pretty bad.
‘You have to at least try, you can’t give up.’
‘I’m not and I am trying.’
‘Then you’ll go, this Saturday?’
Jasmine watched her cautiously.
‘Pretty please, it will be great for you both.’
Jasmine had always wanted someone to love and someone to love her back but ever since the nightmare prom night, moving forward had been hard. No one understood her daily torment in those early years that shredded her self esteem so no one would understand.
‘Please,’ Ella begged.
‘Alright fine!’ Her lips broke into a smile. ‘Just this once, I’ll try.’
‘Great! I’ll text him now.’
The coke arrived and soon so did Ella’s food. Ella piled on ketchup and watched Jasmine as she wiped down the coke bottle a few times with some wet wipes. Next she brought out a plastic cup from her bag and placed it on the table.
‘We talked about this,’ said Ella.
‘I’m not ready,’ she replied.
‘You’re going to have to be ready, Paul’s agreed to the date. He’s got your number so he’ll give you a ring later tonight.’
Jasmine tapped the table a few times, opened the coke bottle and poured the fizzy drink into the tumbler.
‘Jas?’
‘I’m not ready, leave it alone.’
‘Fine, I’m just trying to help you.’
‘The more you do that the worse it feels.’
‘Okay, okay, I’m sorry.’
Ella took a big bite into the burger and they sat in silence for a while. There had been a few arguments between them when they argued about it but soon Ella realised that Jasmine was this way. As her friend she had to stand by her and be with her regardless of her habits.
‘Do you want to hang around town for a little bit?’ Ella asked.
‘Nah, I think I better head home as soon as we’re done.’
Ella nodded.
‘I will however try and be on my best behaviour on the date.’ Jasmine smiled trying to cheer her up from the disappointment.
‘Great! I know you two will have a great time.’
****
‘Sorry I’m late, late meeting today at the office.’ Zack pulled off his jacket and loosened his tie.
Zack had decided to take up the offer of meeting his friends Troy and Preston. They’d been mates since their early teens and had done many things together including a trip to Kenya to teach English during their gap year. Zack had gone on to graduate as an architect and two year’s later opened his own company, Troy was a successful banker while Preston found his love in teaching. Something both Zack and Troy found strange, but Preston had loved teaching the children that he’d decided to take that path.
‘What you drinking?’ asked Troy.
‘I’ll have a lager thanks.’
‘Another one for me please,’ Preston said holding up his empty glass.
Troy walked off to the bar while Zack made himself comfortable in the comfy leather seats of the bar. It was a trendy bar they frequented in Leeds, at times the bar hosted indie artists and there had also been comedy nights. The guys had made this their meeting place since it had been discovered a few years ago. On different occasions they frequented other places but this was their place.
Troy returned a few minutes later with their drinks. They all took long draws, sat back and took it all in.
‘Where’s Kimberly tonight?’ asked Troy.
‘Ah so you haven’t heard.’ Zack put down the glass on the centre table.
‘Heard what?’ asked Preston.
‘We broke up.’
‘You idiot!’ Troy blurted. ‘You stupid idiot!’
Preston couldn’t help but laugh.
‘Hey, she left me,’ said Zack.
‘What the fuck did you do man!’ Troy couldn’t get over the news.
‘I still don’t know what I did,’ he moved forward and took another gulp of his drink.
‘Man you did something!’
‘You know what, I have a really hard time understanding women,’ said Zack.
‘Welcome to the club, my wife says one thing but it never means that.’ Preston was the only one in a serious relationship.
For some reason Troy could never commit to one woman.
‘I can’t believe you let her leave you!’
‘I can’t control her!’
‘You are a fool! That woman was so hot!’
‘Don’t I know it but it wasn’t working so there’s nothing I could do.’
‘When a woman like that asks you do to something you do it!’ said Troy.
‘Unlike you I have some dignity.’
‘She’s a bloody model, how can you say that! Christ!’
‘Clearly you want her more than I do.’
‘Dude, if I wasn’t your mate I would’ve done that a long time ago.’
‘I’m sorry to break it to you but you’re not her type,’ said Zack.
‘How do you know that?’
‘She told me once.’
‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’
‘It means you’re not her type.’
‘What the hell is her type?’
‘Me.’ Zack giggled.
Troy was like a human Ken doll, too perfect and two pretty for most women. Even though he had a mouth of a sailor, his features portrayed a totally different person to the one who spoke. The women that fell for him were just as vain but not as perfect. But the relationships never lasted, it was all about getting the forbidden fruit for Troy, he just wasn’t marriage material. Preston on the other hand was the man who had settled down with the girl he’d met at university. He was a little bit more laid back than the other two and yet on evenings out he had a wicked side to him. He was just as tall as Zack but had blond hair instead of the dark hair Zack possessed.
‘We’ll she doesn’t know what she’s missing!’ Troy said defensively.
The two men laughed but quickly moved on.
‘I’m staying out of the dating game for a while; perhaps travel a bit on my own.’
‘Have you lost your mind, you’re free to pursue any woman you like,’ said Troy.
‘Nah, I’m going to take it easy for a couple of months, see what it’s like to be single.’
‘It sucks!’
‘I guess you’re not having any luck then.’
‘Nope, they all slip through the fingers like slippery fish.’
‘Why don’t you just put women to the side for a while, find out what you really want?’
‘I think you need another drink, you’re not thinking straight,’ said Troy.
‘Maybe I do, I’ll get this round, but to be honest, I’m going to take a break from women. Find out what I want.’
‘Never m
ind about what you want, what you need is to get laid.’
Zack stood up to get orders ignoring Troy’s last statement.
‘It’s a wonder you’re still single,’ added Preston.
‘Same as before?’ Zack asked.
‘Yep, bring it on!’
Chapter Three
It had taken Jasmine a good hour in the shower before she was ready to step out. She gazed at herself in the full length mirror that was on the internal part of the wardrobe. Her eyes wondered down every inch of her body and she felt the anger and the disgust. It had always been this way even though anyone else looking at her would see a woman who had curves in all the right places and a look that could please any man.
Jasmine could at one point of her life look at herself; it had only started in the past couple of years when she was trying to force herself to get thinner. But it didn’t matter how hard she tried she couldn’t get her body mass index down. She ran her hand down the middle of the stomach and for a moment cringed. How could life be this unfair? Why had she agreed to this date in the first place?
There were moments when she wanted to ring and cancel but the sound of Ella’s voice stopped her. She had spoken to Paul briefly and they had agreed to meet up for a coffee. Jasmine wasn’t sure about the meeting but he had seemed cheerful enough and if she were to get anywhere in life she had to keep trying this dating thing.
After a long gaze in the mirror she stepped forward and looked at the row of clothes. The weather outside was pleasant enough but it still didn’t make the decision easy. First she tried on a floral summer dress that stopped just below the knees but quickly took it off. It felt restricting and uncomfortable. Next she tried on a maxi dress she was yet to wear but it made her feel as though she were drowning so she pulled that off too. Each decision made her tense and the tenser she felt the more she dreaded leaving the house.
It took a while but finally Jasmine settled on a black pair of pants with a sky blue top. Jasmine stood in front of the mirror finally satisfied and was happy with the choice she’d made. When she finally walked out of the house, Jasmine was already fifteen minutes late.
Paul waved her over to the table where he sat and she rushed over a little out of breath.
‘I’m so sorry I’m late,’ she said.
‘Ella warned me about that so I had my iPad handy.’ He smiled.
Paul was a handsome blonde with deep blue eyes and a very kind smile.
‘Oh I see, what else did she tell you?’ Jasmine remained standing for a moment not sure if she wanted to show the other parts of herself.
‘That you’d probably have the urge to clean the seat before you sit down.’ He smiled again but it wasn’t patronising, instead it was kind and accommodating.
‘Wow, now I feel like a woman standing before you stark naked.’ She felt truly embarrassed.
‘Oh don’t worry about it we all have our little flaws.’
Jasmine wasn’t so sure about the little part; ever since the whole problem started it was anything but little.
‘Please, don’t mind me.’ He nodded at the chair opposite him. ‘I have all the time in the world.’
Jasmine fiddled with the handles on her handbag and wondered if she could go through with this. It felt so invasive and uncomfortable that for a split moment she wanted to run out of the door and not look back. But instead she slowly opened the handbag, pulled out the wipes and began to clean the chair.
‘I’m sorry,’ she blurted and she gave it a final wipe.
‘It’s not a problem.’
Jasmine looked at him suspiciously? Was there more to this meeting than what Ella had told her? Why was this man being so nice and understanding, none of her other dates had been this way. Instead they had been a little mean and impatient and thought she was mental.
‘Okay,’ she said finally and sat down. ‘This is so awkward.’
‘It shouldn’t be, you’re a beautiful woman,’ he said.
Jasmine wanted to shout stop it! But instead forced a smile and said, ‘Thank you.’
‘I’m glad we’re doing this.’
‘Yeah, Urm... me too.’ Jasmine had to admit that it was a strange meeting but she was finally beginning to relax.
‘What would you like a drink?’ he asked.
‘I’ll just have a bottle of coke please.’
‘Anything to snack on? A muffin perhaps.’
‘No thanks, I’m good.’
‘You sure, the blueberry muffins are fantastic!’ he tried to encourage her.
‘I’m fine thanks; I’m trying to loose weight anyway so that won’t do me any good.’
‘Oh nonsense, you look perfect to me.’
‘Well... thanks but I still feel the need to cut down on the fat.’ She tried to smile.
‘You’re lovely, quit the diet and have a muffin with me.’ He tried to convince her.
‘No I’m fine thanks, the bottle of coke will do.’ Jasmine clutched onto the straps of the bag tighter as she felt her stomach scrunch.
‘How about we share it then?’ He tried a different tactic.
Jasmine felt the tension rise to her shoulders but she shook her head.
‘Oh come on, it’s not that bad. Ella told me you are a bit of a fussy eater at restaurants.’
‘I said no!’ she blurted out before she could stop herself. ‘Just stop asking me. A bottle of coke will do fine!’ She breathed heavily.
‘Okay, okay, bottle of coke it is.’ He pulled back his chair.
There was a sudden changed in his demeanour and Jasmine knew that it would be downhill from there. Why couldn’t she just keep her mouth shut for once? Why couldn’t she just try and eat away from home just this once? The thoughts spun around in her mind but Jasmine couldn’t come to terms with doing things she wasn’t comfortable doing.
‘I’ll just go and order, I’ll be back in a second,’ he said.
Jasmine watched the average height man with a great body walk towards the till. Even though his features were desirable, she didn’t feel that something. That thing that people talked about in the movies, Jasmine didn’t feel it nor had she ever felt it, which made her question her judgment. Her eyes drifted from Paul and around the coffee shop. There weren’t too many people which had made it easier for her. There was a woman to the far left with her head in a book, to the right a gentleman sat gazing an iPad and to the very front of Jasmine sat a young couple who seemed to be in a world of love. For a moment she admired the couple, the way they spoke to one another and how the young man leaned in to give his new love a kiss. A smile tugged at Jasmine’s lips gently, how she wished she could find that someday. Perhaps that day was the moment she was in! The thought sent her an overwhelming panic, there was just something she couldn’t grasp about him. Perhaps it was the constant pushing her to have the muffin that did it. Jasmine felt like a project he wanted to fix or change, as if she were some sort of a challenge.
Jasmine shuddered and watched as he stood in the line, fourth one from the front. From time to time he looked back and gave her a smile and two thoughts came into to her mind. To act out the first thought she’d have to do it there and then, to stick with the second thought she’d have to stay put. Jasmine quickly eyed the young couple in front of her again and this time she heard the man whisper ‘I love you!’ That was it! Jasmine knew what she had to do and she had to do it fast. She looked straight ahead to where Paul stood, this time his back to her studying the line in front of him. Quickly she pushed back her chair and as quickly as she could master, Jasmine fled the coffee shop, not taking one look back!
*****
Jasmine turned the key a couple of times, then put the latch across the door, removed, then did it again. It was repeated several times until there was a feeling of satisfaction over her. She leaned into the door and tried to get her nerves together. How she’d managed to escape him was like something she’d dreamed up. A part of her wanted to just burst out laughing but the other part felt angry and shamefu
l. Jasmine wasn’t so sure whether she was angry at herself or at him for the way he’d tried to force her to have a muffin. It took her a while to move from the door but when she did she headed straight for the kitchen and opened the fridge door.
Staring right at her was a huge tub of vanilla ice-cream and to the left some whipped cream. She shut the fridge door and tried to resist the temptation but her nerves were getting the best of her. She shut her eyes and counted to ten and then again to twenty. It did nothing and she found herself opening the fridge again and eyeing the goodies. She gritted her teeth together and shut her eyes and imagined the sweet vanilla melting in her mouth. Oh the feelings it would give her, the buzz and it would sooth the guilt she felt for leaving Paul hanging.
‘I deserve this.’ She convinced herself. ‘I so deserve this.’ She reached into the fridge and pulled out the giant tub of ice-cream and the whipped cream. She slammed the fridge door shut and walked over to the table and set it down.
She pulled out the clean cutlery and placed it neatly besides the goodies waiting to be devoured. Next she studied the display of the sweets on the table as she played with her fingers nervously. There was something forbidden and yet tempting about the food that was gazing back at her. Over and over again, Jasmine relayed the mantra that she deserved the food and that it was what she wanted. It took a good five minutes before she pulled out the chair and settled down. She pulled the carton closer, lifted the lid and took in the creamy white dessert. She picked up the whipped cream, shook it and squirted it all over the top so that it was almost toppling out of the carton. Jasmine took in a deep breath before picking up the sparkling clean desert spoon and began to dig into the delicious dessert!
Jasmine savoured the cold but delicious dessert in her mouth. It sent a tingle down her spine and soon she was in the zone scooping out bits of cream and ice-cream together. It took a while and fifteen minutes later Jasmine put down the spoon and sat staring at the empty carton.
At first there were no thoughts, just a blank stare. But that was short lived! Jasmine pushed back the chair picked up the spoon and carton and headed for the sink. The carton went straight into the bin and the spoon had several washes before it was dried and put away. Jasmine gazed around the kitchen with the phone ringing in the background. It had started ringing a couple of minutes ago but Jasmine hadn’t the urge to pick it up.