“You know a little bit about mean, don’t you sweetheart? That’s like the kettle calling the pot black. So now it will be another Jackson, huh? He’ll probably be here before the end of the night. My side of the bed won’t even be cold. I’ll always be the get over guy to you; the one to call in a pinch, when you’re in some major meltdown and need a safety net.”
“First of all, it’s the pot calling the kettle black,” I said light-heartedly. “Second, you can’t possibly think that’s what you are to me? You’re being ridiculous.”
“Pot-kettle- whatever. You know what I’m saying. I don’t want to always be that guy, Jewels. I want to be the chosen one- not the winner by default.”
He turned away and walked to the end of the kitchen island, where he seemed to pause and contemplate his next words.
“Haven’t you always known?” I cautiously took a step forward.
“Known what?” Henry replied exasperated, refusing to face me.
“It’s you…always has been.” I took a few more steps forward until stopping directly behind him. “Jackson was the get over guy…the guy to get over you.”
Minutes passed with no reply. I began to feel embarrassed for cracking the only wall I’d managed to keep intact. I slowly started to retreat, backing up, watching for any sign of movement on his part, but it never came. He couldn’t even stand to look at me now. I was hurt. Henry had been the one bright spot in a storm of very bad days. I felt truly alone for the first time since losing Conner.
“Silence wasn’t really the reaction I was going for.” I tried to sound sincere, but in an oddly humorous sort of way. I turned and walked toward the back door. Sensing movement, I quickly looked back, but he had barely changed positions. “I’m going to go now. You should go… Go home, Tru.”
Henry finally turned towards me. His face looked like a blank piece of paper. I couldn’t read our history in his eyes. In that moment of nothingness, I couldn’t envision a future.
“What is the proper response?” He took a step forward, but remained guarded, arms folded across his chest.
“I should have never walked out that door. I should have chosen you over your father. Love is more valuable than a job…”
He cut me off. “You’re being unreasonable. Your demands required patience and you weren’t willing to wait. Where’s my apology?” He tried to restrain his anger, but he was mad as hell. “You make an ultimatum, become dissatisfied with the speed in which it is being carried out, and decide to punish me with that idiot Jackson. -Sleeping with someone else kind of made using the door a necessity, love.”
“You were gone long before the door, Tru. –Long before Jackson. He was a convenient excuse to walk away and have us both- me and your precious job.”
We were in each other’s face now.
“What does that mean?”
“You knew my love belonged to you- you alone. Jackson’s entrance just insured that you could work for my father and still have me in the corner pining away. You’re selfish. I see that now.”
“And you’re so perfect…the girl dropping her dress for the next best thing?”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t I?”
“I didn’t drop my dress for Jackson that night. We were drunk. He was so plastered that he couldn’t perform a sex act on a blow up doll. He walked me home and passed out on the sofa, waiting for the car I called to take him downtown. Who is lacking the faith now, love?”
“You never told me.” He had a look of confusion on this face. The incident he’d used to solidify his cowardice had evaporated.
“You never asked. It wasn’t important enough to you. I wasn’t important enough to you. Just go home. Go back to New York where you’re loved and adored.”
“So you don’t love me now? You’re giving me back the ring. That’s your answer.”
“I don’t love being alone. I don’t love coming in second place. I don’t love attention followed by desertion. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you.”
He was quiet now and thoughtful. My words, though honest, had injured him. He put his hand on my arm and stared deep inside me.
“You’re not alone. I’m here.”
“You’re here and I’ve never felt more alone. My life has been complicated and not all together devoid of drama, but it’s been a truthful journey. Our relationship is smoke and mirrors. I can’t count on you. I used to think that I was the one that needed to be rescued, but I see that’s just not the case anymore. I’m strong. My sadness doesn’t alter my strength. I have flaws, but they make me a fine mess. Someone once told me that. We used to laugh at those flaws.”
“We still can. Don’t make a rash decision. Not this time. Take the week. Take some time to think things through, for Christ’s sake. You’re being irrational, like always.”
“Tru, you’re the love of my life, but I can live without you, even if I don’t want to. Walk. Bask in the glow of your professional success. Gain power. Make your fortune. I may still be alone twenty years from now, but I’ll have lived an authentic life. I wouldn’t have spent precious years chasing an illusion. Just go away. We’re through. You’ve never been more unattractive to me then right now. Fear doesn’t become you.”
My dismissal of him made Henry visibly angry. I started to walk away, but he grabbed me and pulled me back harshly, taking my breath from me. The desperate aggressiveness in his actions and tone really annoyed me. I brought my arms up through the center and turned them outward, breaking his hold on me. He pointed his finger in my face and began yelling at me.
“You could use a healthy dose of fear. Flying by the seat of your pants without considering the consequences has caused you to lose a great deal, don’t you think?”
“You’re an ass.”
He answered under his breath, though still audible. “You’re the pain in my ass.”
I understood what he was implying and it made me sad that he would drag Connor into our argument. If he wanted to play the blame game, he was about to get a heaping dose.
“Well, I’ve been waiting for that- for someone to affirm that I killed my own baby. I just never thought it would come from you. Don’t you think that I blame myself every day for Connor’s death? Don’t you think I wonder, every day, every second of every minute, what would have happened if I didn’t flee from my life with Jackson and I had stayed in New York? It haunts me. I should be the one in the ground- not him. Not him.”
The tears began to flow now. He just stared at me like he was watching a building implode in front of his eyes. I had no sense that he wished he could take the words back that brought me to this sad place, again. I shook my head in disappointment and then wiped the tears from my face. Now I was mad. There was nothing left buried, deep down; those redeeming qualities of his that made me feel even a small amount of love for him.
“Where’s your sin in all of this- your responsibility? Have you ever stopped to consider how our lives might be right now if you’d stepped up…offered me a future when I told you about Jackson’s affair? I would never have gotten on that damn plane. My child would be alive. You ask me to marry you now…now, after I’ve already lost my baby? Your timing sucks. You’re just as much responsible as me.”
“You won’t lie that at my door, sweetheart. You got on that plane. You have to live with that decision. I can’t always rescue you from yourself.”
“No one is more in need of rescuing than you. One day, you’ll come to me. You’ll ask me to rescue you. Maybe I’ll have moved on.”
“So this is it then? You’re telling me that you don’t love me?”
“No. Unfortunately, it’s a split decision between my mind and my heart. You may have my love, but that emotion is something I can control. I’m not weak. I think I can keep my dress on when you’re around. The problem for you is that I don’t like you anymore. That’s a head thing.”
He took my face in his hands and caressed my cheeks. I c
losed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him and remain composed. He kissed my lips, but I didn’t return his affection. I pulled his hands together and dropped them down between us.
“If you love me, you’ll let me go.”
“You don’t get to determine who I love.”
“If you don’t go now, we won’t have a friendship left to salvage.”
“You demand everything from people.”
“I give everything.”
“Damn it Jewels, we can make this work.”
“No, we can’t. You can’t dangle a life in front of me that you’re not prepared to give. It’s not fair. No matter how much progress we make, finding our way back to one another, we always end up here- in this place. Just go and stay gone this time.”
“Well, I’m not going to beg you to stay with me. I’ll leave while I have a bit of my pride left intact.” He stood before me broken- it was like looking in the mirror- both our eyes full of tears and rage; neither of us knew how to let go completely.
“Good” I said uncaring and dismissive.
“I love you,” he pleaded.
“You love yourself first and best- always have.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“But I do. I choose me.”
“I choose you too,” he insisted, “I love you.”
“You can’t love me.”
“That’s like telling my heart not to beat.”
I turned and walked out the kitchen door. He followed me, stopping just inside the door frame.
“Don’t leave again Jewels. You have to stop running.”
I walked back inside the kitchen and pushed him back until he cleared the door.
“You’re right. This is my house. You leave.” With that, I slammed the door in his face and locked it. Walking by the ring that he left on the kitchen table, I made my way upstairs. Parting the drapes, I watched him abide by my wishes. He left me, as requested.
No overture was made on his part- no beating on the door and yelling to me on the veranda above. He simply got into his rental car and drove away. I had undergone a great transformation of self. I made the hard choice- the kind of choice that hurt now, but would be better later- or at least I kept telling myself that.
9
My choice had become a poison, killing me slowly from the inside out. I talked a big game with Henry, but whom was I kidding? I didn’t want to live without him, but I had my pride too. He broke his promise. If I didn’t take a stand now, I would be the fool who realized, after twenty years, that our life was built on broken pledges and small little deceptions that just seemed harmless at the time.
As much as I didn’t like the things he said to me, there was some truth in his assessments. He was always the person I turned to when times got tough. This wasn’t out of some necessity on my part. I was a strong and capable woman. I could solve my own problems; but sharing them with someone I loved made the difficulties seem more bearable. Falling into his arms and having the ability to let my guard down, and just relax through the stress, made finding a way out of the darkness easier.
I’d never given much thought to being destroyed by the one person I loved most in the world. Then again, I never let anyone, besides Henry, close enough to hurt me. Since my mom’s death, I had become a master at internalizing every sorrow, every bitter disappointment, and every lonely moment. They were my burdens. I categorized them by affliction and moved on. The problem with hiding my emotions was that, eventually, I lost myself altogether. I’d forgotten that the sorrows and disappointments made me strong- that my mistakes and failures provided an opportunity for me to learn. When I chose not to feel my way through life, I had nothing to give others. That fact had become painfully evident with his departure.
Henry was the first man to ever cast light into those dark areas. His first sweet smile stopped me in my tracks. After dropping my books outside of the library, he came to my aide. His hand fell on top of mine as we both reached for the fallen books. He didn’t apologize for our touching. Instead, his hand lingered. It made me feel uncomfortable- like unchartered territory. Then, he spoke. Here’s your book never sounded so sexy in his British accent. He effortlessly grabbed my arms and pulled me to my feet. After insisting that he walk me back to my car, I was informed that I was required to take him to dinner as a thank you- repayment for services rendered. Henry was disastrously charming. I never stood a chance.
We sat in that restaurant for hours, listening and talking with one another, until the wine made me brave enough to kiss him. It was the most delicious and sensual kiss I had ever experienced; slow and intense. That one kiss ruined me for every other man I would ever meet. He was my Tru North- an internal compass- my way out of the fear that had handicapped me since the day I let my mom go. The kiss released a confidence in me that made me shine. I was audacious again. I was his Jewel.
Our life together was exciting. He was always full of surprises. When friends were complaining about their boyfriends being disinterested, I couldn’t empathize. Tru was the boyfriend that would scout out a place in the park to hide champagne and strawberries ahead of our date. We didn’t lie around letting life pass us by: we explored the city; we traveled to Savannah; and we spent breaks in London with his mom. He wasn’t afraid to let me in. I had an all access pass to his life and I was slowly learning to let my guard down.
Our physical relationship came on quickly; partly because we were so taken with one another. I was worried that we were rushing intimacy, before a strong foundation could be built, but we were so easy in the other’s company. Our undeniable chemistry was backed up by a hefty dose of respect and trust. We weren’t the couple making love in the dark- the more lights the better. It was important to both of us to connect not just through touch, but with our eyes. I wanted to see his mouth when he spoke the words that melted my heart. We conveyed an acceptance of the other person’s body just as it was, regardless of our own personal warped sight.
We spent long afternoons, naked, wrapped in sheets, discussing our future. We talked about children and splitting our time between New York and Savannah. I would do pro-bono work and he would start his own law firm. We passed the Georgia bar and started to look for suitable office space in Savannah. Our dreams were becoming a reality. But dreams change.
I’m not sure at what point money became an equal object of his desire, but we suffered due to his relentless pursuit for power. To this day, I’m certain that my father enticed him, like the devil, offering water to a man burning in hell. He probably made Henry feel that he wouldn’t be worthy of me until he had made something of himself. I’ve never understood why Henry couldn’t see himself through my eyes.
Now, sitting on the upper veranda, having watched his car drive away- my heart was heavy. My eyes were full of tears. I could lie to Henry, but not to myself. I knew in losing him, I lost the best part of me. He brought that out. Sure, I could wake up and move through each day unscathed, but moving forward meant learning who I was without him. I knew that I would have to become my biggest fan again- to fall in love with my own singular qualities.
I had the night alone to dwell on his departure. Kate returned in the morning. She wanted to know what happened, word for word, but I felt it best to honor Henry by not assigning blame. She assured me that our split was temporary and that cooler heads would prevail, but I had my doubts. She didn’t hear the things that we said to one another. Words tend to take on a life of their own. I couldn’t forgive him for implying I facilitated Connor’s death and I’m certain my finger pointing made him less apt to apologize. We were at an impasse.
I urged Kate to stay out of our fight and she reluctantly agreed. I didn’t want to lose a lover and a best friend in one week. As much as she loved me, Henry was her brother- her blood. The less I shared with her the better.
10
Three weeks had passed with no communication. I’d kept my sadness under wraps fairly well, putting on a cheery face when others were around. If K
ate was speaking to Henry, she wasn’t letting me in on it. Maybe this was at his request or maybe she was being merciful to me. Either way, there was a hole in my heart that I couldn’t seem to fill with shopping or redecorating.
I tried to keep busy in an effort to distract myself from the overwhelming sense of loss I was feeling. I took on the task of cleaning the house from top to bottom, scrubbing the old hardwood floors on my hands and knees, while continuously replaying our argument over and over again in my mind as I scrubbed. The What ifs began to creep into my thoughts: What if I didn’t say this or that?; What if I said I love you back and left it at that?; and What if I didn’t place blame at his feet- the man that always stood by me? When I was alone, my game face disappeared. I discovered that the hurt was hiding just under the surface, available to me at a moment’s notice.
I finally halted my assault on the wood, long enough to have a good cry and a loud scream. One scream turned into another and I found myself at my bedside table looking at the man in charge of my misery. Before I had time to make a better decision, the frame flew out of my hand and hit the dresser mirror. I pulled the picture out from under the broken glass and tried to tear it, but something within me couldn’t do it. Hope was still lurking around. I hate hope.
Kate had been spending every other weekend with Gabe, when Mattie was away at his mom’s house. My home was feeling more like a bed and breakfast, but I didn’t mind. Sure, I was a tiny bit jealous. They were happy. Their conversations were precious. They had chemistry. I had sour grapes. I was working on my attitude.
Four weeks passed and no cards or calls. I started calling Henry’s home phone when I knew that he’d be at work, just to hear his voice. I never left a message and hoped that he wasn’t checking his caller ID. We were playing chicken. I wouldn’t be the first to surrender. This was all a test.
Kate was undergoing a test of her own. Gabe’s mom had come down to spend the month with him and Mattie. She was worried about making a good impression, but I knew that Kate was a hard person not to like. As it turned out, she could have been on the FBI most wanted list and Momma Martin would have still adored her. Gabe had moped around for so long that his showing interest in any woman made Ms. Martin the happiest mother in America. Seeing Kate with Mattie sealed the deal for her. She and Kate had become fast friends which in turn made Gabe happy. Everyone was happy, but me. I was starting to get on my own nerves.
The Battered Heiress Blues Page 10