“To you, I am. I will keep whatever you tell me in confidence. You have my word. I’m your brother, first.”
I paused to try and think of a way to tell him the news without having to endure his disappointment. He was my brother, but he was still a priest.
“I wanted to tell you this news with the whole family together- all five of us.”
“Four of us.” He loved to correct me.
“No, five of us.”
“Wait. What are you saying?”
“I can’t believe I’m saying it.”
“Julia?”
“God has blessed me with another child.”
“Henry?”
“Yes. I’m not a complete harlot- Henry- who else, you big jerk?”
He sat there quiet, looking straight ahead for a few minutes.
“Say something.”
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I’m trying to separate the priest from the brother, which is awfully hard to do. How did this happen?”
“Well… Henry and I…we…kind of…ya know…”
“I don’t mean that, Julia. I’m very well aware of how it physically happened. I mean, how did you let this happen?”
“Honestly Tommy, I didn’t think that this could happen- so soon after Connor. The doctor in Lima said that it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant again. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Obviously.”
“You’re telling me.”
He paused again and I was left staring at his face while he stared at Connor’s headstone. I couldn’t take it anymore. He could yell if he wanted to, but he had to say something and put me out of my misery. Tommy’s opinion was the most important to me. I loved Henry, but Tommy had my best interest at heart- always. There was never an ulterior motive. Tommy had no angle. He was just my little brother. When I was finally about to open my mouth, he responded, grabbing my hand in a show of support.
“What’s done is done. A child is a blessing. Have you told Henry?”
“No. I’m not going to either.”
“Yes you are.”
“No. I’m not.”
“He’s the father. He has a right to know.”
“You promised.”
“I won’t tell him. He won’t hear it from me, but you should do the right thing.”
“Did he tell you what our fight was about?”
“No.”
“He asked me to marry him.”
“That’s wonderful. Isn’t it wonderful?”
“No. It’s not wonderful. He promised to make me a priority, but at the first fork in the road, he left me behind again to go solve one of John’s problems. I can’t have a marriage with Henry and our father. I can’t live like that.”
“I understand.”
“Do you really?”
“I really do. Remember, I lived with the invisible dad- still do. I’ll keep your secret, but at some point, I know you’ll do what is necessary and prudent.”
Tommy hugged me and we sat in silence as I cried.
“Why the tears? This is happy news, right?”
“I feel guilty loving this child. Connor still occupies my heart.”
“Give it time, Julia. Connor wouldn’t want you to be distant from this experience. This is his sibling. He’s still the big brother, even if he’s not physically present. He saved your life, you know. The doctor told Henry that you’d probably be dead if it wasn’t for your pregnancy- the knife would have hit a major organ. Honor that fact. Love the child you have now. It’s not an either/or…don’t put conditions on a gift.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right. Maybe once this sinks in, I’ll feel the attachment.”
“You’ve been to the doctor?”
“I go for my first obstetrician appointment tomorrow.”
“I’m coming.”
“Thanks. I could use the company. I’m nervous.”
“Kate doesn’t know?”
“Be serious. I’d expect her to pick the phone up and call Henry within seconds of hearing the news.”
“She would.”
“I know. -Hence the cloak and dagger routine. She thinks that the doctor’s office lost my blood sample and I’m returning tomorrow to be stuck again.”
“I’ll keep your secret, Julia, but I won’t directly lie for you.”
“Agreed.”
“I’m starving. Let’s drive into town and eat some seafood- just the two of us. I have a lot more questions about the Henry situation.”
We had a pleasant dinner together even though I was required to answer question after question about Henry. He made me promise to consider telling him and I told him that I would. I was thrilled to talk about the happenings at his church on the drive home. I was anxious to hear any news that did not involve me.
We returned to a dark house. Kate must have been with Gabe. She had no embarrassment about staying over, despite Tommy being a priest. She’d be the recipient of the moral virtue lecture in the morning. This wasn’t scoring any points for Gabe.
I said my goodnight and decided to take a shower. Memories of Henry’s naked body against mine made me miss him. There wasn’t a place in this house that alienated me from those kinds of thoughts. We had loved each other in almost every room. Tomorrow, I would see my baby- a memory in the flesh- a reminder of that love.
I was still tired when Tommy’s shuffling through the house woke me. Showering, again, I brushed my teeth, and dressed in preparation for the early morning appointment. Tommy made bacon which surprisingly smelled good to me. I had warned everyone that eggs could no longer be cooked in my house, until further notice. Thankfully, I made it through an entire bacon sandwich without gagging. We grabbed some water and headed out the door.
I wasn’t as nervous this time since Tommy was accompanying me. I’m sure we looked like a pair. He always wore his priestly attire. I felt the need to tell perfect strangers that he was my brother. A person usually doesn’t bring a priest to the obstetrician’s office. He was the object of much staring.
After filling out more paperwork, we were escorted back to Dr. Brandon’s office. I introduced Tommy and gave a limited, technical account of how I lost Connor. He explained the need to monitor me closely and watch for signs of uterine weakness and cervical incompetence. He was also concerned about keeping an eye on my blood pressure. He explained that there may be a need to supplement my own hormone production, but he wouldn’t know for sure until the blood tests came back.
Tommy asked a few brotherly questions about safeguarding my health during the pregnancy. Dr. Brandon and I were anxiously awaiting him to come up for air. He wouldn’t cut off a priest, but I had no problem shutting him down. I dismissed him to the waiting area and the nurse led me to an exam room. I’d have to be cold and uncomfortable this time.
After the internal exam, he performed an ultrasound. I was nine weeks and three days pregnant. The baby resembled Mr. Peanut, but it was the cutest thing I’d seen in a long time. The little heart flickering made my own skip a beat. In that moment, my heart grew in size, making me realize that there was more than ample room to love two children. I wouldn’t lose Connor. They were equally important to me.
Dr. Brandon didn’t seem to be vexed about anything he saw. I was warned about stress and taking care of myself. He wanted me to take my blood pressure at home every day and record the results in a book. I was told to return in two weeks for a quick check. Due to my age, he wanted to know how I felt about an amniocentesis. I didn’t really see the point. Regardless of what was in store for me, I knew that this baby was a miracle and no illness or syndrome would change the course of seeing this pregnancy to its fruition. The baby was a testament to mine and Henry’s love which made him or her perfect.
Before leaving, the ultrasound tech gave me a few pictures of the baby. I’m glad I was paying attention when she described what we were seeing or the images would have looked like an alien encounter. Tommy was excited to see his new niece or nephew. He was trul
y happy for me. In one morning, everything had been made real to me. I couldn’t wait to call Henry and share the good news.
12
I took advantage of the house being empty to coax my nerves into calling him. Tommy had gone to say afternoon Mass at the Catholic Church downtown and then was off to the airport to return to New York. Kate was inevitably at the cottage with Gabe and Mattie. I grabbed some ginger ale and crackers and bedded down in my room to do the deed.
I stared at the phone for a long time deciding whether I would be a coward and leave a message on his home phone or have some guts and call his cell. I opted to be a coward, but then couldn’t think of what to say on the message. I rehearsed a few lines, but nothing quite fit the occasion. Telling him to prepare for fatherhood on voice mail just seemed distant and rude. Shoot. I’d have to call him directly.
I picked up the phone and started to dial his cell. Three digits in and I hung up. I walked around the room getting pumped up, telling myself that this was a small thing. I should just wait for him to answer, blurt out the news, and disconnect. I didn’t even feel the need to wait for his response. I’d give him the news quick and dirty.
After pulling out the picture of our tiny peanut, I rubbed my belly, and dialed the number. Ring. Ring. Ring. Answer the phone already. When he did, I heard a woman laughing. I panicked. For once, I was speechless. Her voice was smooth as silk. She had one of those voices that gave me the mental image that I was talking to a supermodel. I hated her already. She was probably skinny; the kind of woman that magically disappears when she turns sideways. I was pale and getting plumper by the day.
“Hello. Henry’s phone.” She laughed over and over again, exaggerating every syllable, like she was on her first date and Tru had just said something hysterical. I could hear his voice too. He echoed her laugh and it made me sick. That wasn’t his real laugh. That’s not the laugh he gives me when I wake up in the morning and my hair is the size of Texas. That’s not the laugh he gives me when I fall off a curb or walk into a door. That’s not his laugh. Who is she and what has she done with my Henry? I absolutely hated her. I didn’t care who she was.
“I said hello. Heeellloooo. I think we have a breather, Henry,” the wench shrilled.
“Give me the phone, Tricia.”
Who the hell was Tricia?
“Hello. This is Henry Truman Walker. Can I help you?”
I covered the mouthpiece with my hand and answered him.
“It’s me. I have great news, Tru.”
“Hello? Who was there, Tricia?”
“We’re having a baby.”
“Hello? Is anyone there?”
“You’re going to be a father.”
“Give me the phone, Henry.”
“I love you. Come home. I’m sorry.”
“Tricia, no”
The line went dead. I slowly placed the phone back in its cradle. I wasn’t prepared for Tricia. I didn’t see it coming. I guess a month is plenty of time for some people to move on. I sat back against my pillows and had a little cry.
The pity party lasted only a brief time. Truly, that type of party loses its appeal when no one else is in attendance. Who was around to care that my eyes were swelling and my cheeks were flushed with anger and rage? Nobody. I just needed a distraction. Maybe the television would provide a voyeuristic view into the life of someone more pathetic than me. Oprah had something smart on. She wouldn’t do. I’d have to hit the hard stuff. There must be some poor loser on television asking themselves that all-important question of “Who is my baby’s daddy?”. I just needed a cable programming fix as a quick pick me up. I wasn’t a loser. I was alone, but not lonely. I’d keep telling myself that until I believed it.
The phone ringing startled me. I hit the mute button on the remote as I reached for the phone. I had the intention of answering it, but Henry’s cell phone number was lighting up the caller ID display. Realizing that he would check his phone for the caller’s number, I should have known he’d ring me back. Our chicken game had ended and he’d won. I called first.
I wasn’t about to answer the phone with Tricia in ear shot, laughing her fake, movie star laugh. He had obviously expedited his get over Jewels plan. He was on a new chapter. I was stuck in the table of contents. If he could move past life with me, then I would do the same. Ring until the ringer can’t ring no more, I thought. For all he knew, Kate had placed the call. Done and done.
I was fighting the urge to retreat within myself again, but I had a pregnancy to nurture. I was a mom. People lose lovers all the time. They get over it. I would too. I flipped the television off, and turning on some soft music, I closed my eyes. A nap was just what the baby and I needed to vanquish the events of the last thirty minutes. I would awake with a better perspective.
“Jewels, wake up?”
I felt a nudge at my arm. I rolled over ignoring the interruption.
“Jewels.”
I rolled back and opened my eyes. Kate was sitting next to me.
“What?”
“Henry said that I called him today, but we both know that’s impossible because I didn’t call him, you called him.”
“No.”
“I didn’t call him so that leaves you. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t call.”
“Well, if I didn’t call and you didn’t call, and the call came from this house, then who called?”
“I’m too tired for riddles. Maybe, Tommy. I don’t know. I didn’t call, Kate.”
“You really didn’t call?”
“No matter how many times you ask me, the answer will remain the same. I didn’t call. Is that what you woke me for?”
“-Partially, but not totally. Henry has asked me to fly to New York. I’m leaving tonight… in a few minutes actually.”
“Does Gabe know?”
“Yes.”
“What did he say about you leaving?”
“He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask me not to go. He didn’t ask me to stay.”
“His saying nothing was saying something. Don’t you get that?”
“- You Americans and your bloody games.”
I ignored the dig and rolled onto my side, facing her, so she could see my disdain.
“Why don’t you invite him to go with you?”
“What about Mattie?”
“Take Mattie with you. He’d love New York. You could do the tourist stuff. I bet he’d get a kick out of the Empire State Building.”
She didn’t answer. Kate measured her words carefully before speaking, while folding the quilt at the end of the bed.
“I’m not ready for Mattie, out in public…”
“What?” She pushed the protective mom button inside me. Mattie wasn’t even my child, but the alarms were going off none the less. I knew the emotional toll that befell Gabe when his wife left. He’d finally gambled on love, at my insistence, and Kate was going to level him in one fail swoop.
“I know that makes me awful, but I’m not ready for the stares and comments. I can’t ask Gabe to go without offering for Mattie to go too.”
“Kathryn Emma Walker. I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
“Anyways, Henry needs me right now, thanks to you, so I wouldn’t have time to socially direct activities for Gabe and Mattie.”
“Don’t put this off on me, Kate.”
“Henry is broken-hearted. Who did that?”
“He did.”
“Whatever. I still have to go pick up the pieces, it would seem.”
“Henry’s doing just fine, believe me.”
“How would you know?”
“I wouldn’t know because I haven’t spoken to him, but I imagine he’s moved on to the next best thing.”
“Yes. He’s a lot like you.”
“Oh…he’s fine. Trust me.”
“He will be fine, Julia.”
“Oh, I know.”
Under her breath, Kate responded, “No thanks to you.”
&nbs
p; “No thanks to me?”
She got up and walked to the door, grabbing a few final toiletries off the dresser, and shoving them into her carry on bag.
“Okay, so I’ll be back in a week or two.”
“Take your time. In fact, feel free to linger in New York for several months. Don’t rush back.”
“I won’t,” she said angrily.
“Good,” I responded, not to be outdone.
“Good,” she replied as she made her way to the door.
“Goodbye,” I screamed in the harshest tone I could muster.
“Goodbye. And by the way, I’m taking my grandmother’s ring from the kitchen table; seeing as you don’t care to wear it.”
Kate stomped her way down the steps, mad. Her embarrassment of Mattie really ticked me off. She didn’t deserve either of them. They were a package deal. I yelled after her, hoping she would hear.
“Jerk.”
She heard.
“Crazy,” she hollered back.
Kate had the last word. With that, the front door slammed shut. The bed and breakfast was officially closed. I expected to get an immediate call from Gabe, but he never phoned. He must have been off licking his wounds.
The next couple of weeks were productive. I had made some connections at the legal aid clinic downtown and introduced myself to some local charities. Nothing says welcome like money and people seemed to want mine.
Before I knew it, I was in my eighteenth week of pregnancy. Tommy had called almost daily to do his phone check-up. He still prodded me about calling Henry, despite knowing about his involvement with Tricia, but I had made peace with raising the baby on my own. I also knew that Henry was Henry. As much as I wanted to never see him again, he would insist on being a part of the baby’s life. He was destined to make a lousy husband, but maybe a better father. I would have to warm up to the idea of seeing him without seeing him. That would take time.
Weeks had passed and Gabe orchestrated his movements to avoid me altogether. I couldn’t take the silent treatment from him anymore. I missed Mattie too much to let Kate ruin our new friendship. Seeing them from my windows, pile in and out of the car, without conversing, was becoming ridiculous.
I knew that we had a hard conversation ahead of us. Our words would undoubtedly turn to analyzing Kate’s motives. What he didn’t realize was that I would be as equally disadvantaged as him. Speaking as someone with a track record for being spontaneous and irrational, Kate was even more over the top than me. Her likes and dislikes had the potential to change daily. I’m only surprised that she had invested so much time into Gabe and his family if leaving was going to be her final act.
The Battered Heiress Blues Page 12