by Jeff Kinney
exhausted, and we hadn’t even taken OFF yet.
But a few seconds later, the plane started rolling
down the tarmac, and the next thing I knew, we
were in the AIR.
I’m not gonna lie—I had my eyes shut during
the whole takeoff. And I didn’t even realize I
was holding my breath until I almost passed out.
Once we leveled off, the couple sitting in my row
started feeding their baby.
48
I was ALREADY nauseous from the takeoff, and
the smell of mushy peas didn’t help things.
I thought I might actually throw up, but I
didn’t know what to DO. Then I noticed this
white paper bag in the seat pocket in front of me,
and I figured out that’s exactly what it’s FOR.
49
The flight attendant already seemed annoyed with
me, though, so I knew he wouldn’t be too happy
if I handed him a bag of vomit.
Somehow I managed to get through the feeding
without throwing up. But I wish I could say the
same thing for the BABY.
After the lady cleaned it up, she reached into
her bag and gave the baby a couple of toys to
play with.
50
One of the toys was a plastic hammer. And as
soon as the baby got that thing in its hand, it
started pounding on the WINDOW.
I’ve heard that if a window on a plane breaks,
everything inside gets sucked OUTSIDE. And
that didn’t really seem like a good way to go.
So when the lady’s head was turned, I swiped the
hammer from the baby and tucked it under my seat.
51
Unfortunately, that set the baby off.
It turns out nobody likes a crying baby on a
plane, and everyone started shooting us dirty
looks. Luckily, the lady had a bottle in her bag,
and that quieted the kid down for a while.
I was getting kind of hungry myself, so I
pressed the button for the flight attendant and
asked when we could expect to get FED. But he
said meals were only for first-class passengers,
and he gave me a bag of peanuts to hold me over.
52
That’s when I remembered the snacks I’d bought
before we got on the plane. But THEN I
remembered that they were in my carry-on bag,
which was stowed down below.
I guess Mom must’ve been thinking about food,
too. Because as soon as the pilot said we had
reached our “cruising altitude” and we were free to
move about the cabin, Mom unbuckled her seatbelt
and went up to first class with Manny, just in
time for dinner.
I felt something cold and clammy touch my left
elbow, and then something ELSE touched my
RIGHT one. The guy behind me had taken off
his shoes and socks and slid his feet through
the spaces between the seats.
53
So I guess this guy decided it was OK to use my
ARMRESTS as his FOOTRESTS.
I was starting to feel boxed in, and then the
person in the seat in front of me tilted his seat
all the way back, so it was just a few inches from
my face.
I tried to tilt MY seat back, but I couldn’t find
the button to do it.
54
So I called the flight attendant and asked him
where the button was. But he told me the seats
in our row didn’t tilt back because they’d block the
emergency row.
Now I was starting to SWEAT. I thought
I’d read a magazine to take my mind off feeling
trapped, but the only thing in the seat pocket
was a catalog for all this stuff no one needs.
55
The people on either side of me were watching a
movie, so I figured I’d turn my screen on and
check it out. The movie looked like a comedy, but
my headphones were in my bag, and it was hard
to understand what was going on without them.
I changed the channel to see what ELSE there
was to watch. One channel had a show for little
kids, and the baby next to me got interested in
what was on my screen. And when I changed it
to something else, the kid started BAWLING.
56
When I changed the channel BACK, the baby
stopped crying.
I guess I would’ve been OK with letting the kid
watch the show, but the screen was WAY too
close to my face. And the colors on the show were
so bright that even when I put on the eye mask
that was in the seat pocket, I could STILL
see everything that was happening.
When the show finally ended, the baby started
crying again. But there was no WAY I was
gonna keep watching the show on repeat for the
rest of the night.
So I decided it was the perfect time to take my
shift up in first class.
57
But Rodrick noticed I was trying to make a
move, and he got out of his seat before I had a
chance to. And once he was up in first class, I
knew I’d have to wait a while before I could swap
places with him.
When Mom and Manny came back to their seats,
I saw the door to the cockpit open behind them,
and the pilot stepped out.
I thought there might be some kind of an
EMERGENCY, so I pressed the button and
asked the flight attendant what was going on.
He said the pilot just needed to stretch his legs
and use the bathroom, and the co-pilot had
everything under control.
58
I didn’t like the fact that we were down to one
pilot, even if it was just for a few minutes.
Personally, I don’t think two pilots is ENOUGH,
even when they’re BOTH in the cockpit. I guess
the idea is that if one of them has a heart attack,
then the other one is supposed to fly the plane.
But I asked the flight attendant what happens
if the OTHER pilot freaks out and has a heart
attack, too.
The flight attendant told me not to worry,
because these planes are so high-tech they can
practically fly THEMSELVES.
59
Well, I’ve heard pilots make a lot of money,
so if what the flight attendant was saying is
TRUE, then this could be the career for ME.
Once the pilot got out of the bathroom, I
figured it would be a good idea for me to go, too.
The only problem was, the man to my right was
asleep, and I couldn’t get over the guy without
waking him up. So I went UNDER him, and
believe me, that wasn’t a lot of fun.
60
I walked toward the front of the plane, but
before I even got to the first-class section, the
flight attendant told me that economy passengers
have to use the restroom in the BACK.
The bathroom in the economy section was really
small, but being in there was a HUNDRED times
better than being stuck in my seat. It was sort
of like a tiny little apartment I had all to myself.
61
In science class, we learned that when human
waste gets dropped out of an airplane toilet, it
freezes solid. Some guy in my town once found a
chunk of waste that fell from a plane, and he
thought it was a METEORITE.
I think the guy was hoping to sell it for a lot of
money, but once the thing thawed he found out
what he had was totally worthless.
62
Once I was settled into the bathroom, I figured
there was no reason to go back to my seat. So
whenever someone ELSE came along to use it, I
just made bathroom noises until they went away.
One person must’ve really needed to go, because
they shook the door handle so hard that I
thought it might actually break OFF. Then they
went away. But a few minutes later, the whole
BATHROOM shook.
63
Whoever this was needed to use the bathroom a
lot more than I did, so I opened the door. But
there was no one THERE. That’s when I realized
it wasn’t just the bathroom shaking, it was the
whole PLANE.
I thought we must’ve landed in the water or lost
an engine or something. But then the pilot came
over the intercom.
64
That didn’t sound right to ME. I figured what
REALLY happened was that the pilot fell asleep
in his seat and kicked the steering wheel or
something, and then he came up with this “bumpy
air” excuse. Because that’s EXACTLY what I’d
do if I were in the same situation.
I guess the flight attendant could see that I
was pretty rattled. He said we were just going
through a little “turbulence,” which was perfectly
normal for a flight like this.
65
Well, if this kind of thing is NORMAL, then
there’s no chance I’m ever becoming a pilot.
Because if I were flying the plane, I’d be out of
there at the first sign of trouble.
The flight attendant told me I needed to return
to my seat and buckle up. But when I got back
there, it was already occupied.
I didn’t want to move the baby, because I knew it
would just wake up and start crying again.
66
So I went up to the front of the plane to kick
Rodrick out of first class and let HIM deal with
the baby. But I couldn’t GET to him. One of the
wheels on the beverage cart had broken because of
the turbulence, and it was blocking my way.
I was out of options, so I went back to my seat.
Don’t ask me how, but I was actually able to get
an hour or two of sleep. And I was so tired, I
didn’t even wake up when we landed.
67
Tuesday
I was so worried about getting through the
flight that I never thought about where we were
actually GOING. But when I stepped off the
plane, it was like walking into a whole new world.
I’ve gotta admit, as soon as I felt that tropical
air hit my skin, I could understand why Dad was
so eager to escape the cold back home.
68
We got our luggage off the conveyor belt in
baggage claim, then followed the signs to where a
big shuttle bus was waiting.
Even though the air outside felt GREAT, the
air-conditioning on the bus felt even BETTER.
And the seats in this thing were nicer than the
ones in first class.
69
Once all the passengers boarded the bus, we headed
to the resort. A video played on the overhead
monitors, and it was about a MILLION times
more fun than the one on the plane.
The video showed all the cool activities at the
resort, and I wanted to do them ALL.
One of the activities was swimming with dolphins,
and that’s something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do.
But there was a bunch of OTHER stuff that
looked cool, too. I was hoping they might let us
COMBINE activities so I could do everything
before we had to go back home.
I felt kind of bad for being so negative about
this trip up until then, and I turned around to
tell Mom and Dad I was sorry. But I wish I
had just kept watching the video instead.
71
When we stepped off the bus at the resort,
the staff greeted us and handed Mom and Dad
frozen drinks.
We gave our bags to these guys wearing white
gloves, and they said they’d take them directly to
our room. And I gotta say, I was IMPRESSED.
We went to the front desk, and the lady there
explained how everything worked. She said the
resort was “all-inclusive,” so we didn’t need to use
cash or credit cards.
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The way we paid for stuff was with these plastic
cards that doubled as our room keys.
Mom and Dad told the receptionist they wanted
to stay in the same building they’d stayed in for
their honeymoon, but the lady said the resort had
CHANGED since then. She said that now, the
resort was split into two halves, the “Wild Side”
and the “Mild Side.”
The place Mom and Dad had stayed was on the