She leaned onto the table as if too exhausted to stand up. “I can’t believe you’re even saying this.”
“You can’t imagine the guilt I live with.”
She slowly turned, “I don’t blame you. I love you.”
“I love you too. But I do blame me.”
“The dream you talked about…”
“Is the one thing I can’t let go of; I can’t shake it.”
She suddenly shook her head as she stepped forward and grabbed his shirt in her fist. “You will let it go. You will shake it. If I can, you can. Do you understand me? If I can live with it, and what was done to me, then you can live with it too. You can damn well live with it!”
“You remember his face too. I know you do,” he said softly, cruelly.
She drew in a sharp breath as if he knocked the breath out of her. Her brown eyes glazed over strangely. She remembered them all. He only remembered the one. He didn’t see the hooded one without his hood, and the others blended together for him. He remembered the one who first touched her.“Don’t make me go back there. We’re all about moving forward. Our future. Us. Now. Why are you doing this to me?”
“You wanted me to trust you with what I’m thinking about. This is what I’m thinking about.”
“Why? I just don’t understand why. You can’t commit murder.”
He could. He could easily commit cold-blooded murder. “If I killed them then, at that moment in Mexico, would you have felt this way?”
She tried not to cry, but the tears welled up in her eyes. They slipped over her eyelids despite her deep sniff to hold them in. “No. I would have done anything to watch you kill them. I would have wanted you to kill me then too.”
He pulled her into his arms. “I know that. That’s why I need to do this.”
She pushed against him. He let her go. “But that is why I don’t want you to go back. I did not die. I don’t want to die. I finally want to live with it.”
“Me too. But I can live with it better knowing someone paid. You must know you weren’t their first or only victim. They had permanent ties concreted into the floor. That wasn’t solely for your benefit.”
Chills coursed through her body. “I know,” she said with a hiss.
“Let me stop them. Let me stop them from doing that to others. If not for you or me, then for them. They had cells down there. You know what that means. Let me do this, Jess. Please.”
She turned away from him. “I will not stand here discussing murder. Even I know the difference between right and wrong.”
She stomped towards their bedroom and he followed her. She started picking up her clothes and hanging them neatly back in the closet. He watched her for a few minutes. “What if I don’t go there with the intent to kill? What if I just bring them to the authorities’ attention?”
She started to put the sheets back on the bed. He stepped forward and took the other side. She paused and stared at him. He stared back. “I don’t believe you. You’re lying to me.”
“No. I’m not. What if I go down there with the intent to shut them down permanently? It’s some kind of drug-trafficking ring, and sex-trafficking seems to be a side business. Or maybe the sick fuck who runs it just likes rape for his personal gratification.”
Her gaze burned into his. She swallowed and finally asked, “How did he know them?”
Will knew “he” had to be the general. Her voice nearly broke anytime she said anything in reference to the man who so ruined her.
She never asked for the full details before. Will had gotten them from Lindsey who had learned them from one of Bains’s former associates. When he approached Jessie with it in the past she had not wanted to hear them. Will nodded and kept his voice low and calm as he said, “He must have run across their arms runners. They shipped weapons and drugs through the border and a motorcycle club served as their front. They took the goods from Mexico for distribution around the United States. The DEA caught on to the American end of things about a year before you were taken. The general have any friends in the DEA?”
She fell onto the bed and nodded. “He had friends everywhere.”
“Well, that’s as far as it was figured out how he would find that group.”
“What do you think he expected to happen to me? I’ve always wondered that. He sent you there to get me out, bring me home, so he wasn’t outright selling me to them. So… what did he think would happen?”
Will sat next to her, lulled into their history.
“I think he hoped to get you to start behaving. Probably thought you’d be so grateful to be home, you’d stop embarrassing him.”
“How could he not know they’d hurt me?”
He reached over and took her small hand, engulfing it in his. He shrugged. “I don’t think he cared all that much. I think he rescued you for Lindsey. I think he realized how upset she’d be if you didn’t come home. He tried never to hurt her. I’m sorry. This is not easy to hear.”
She shrugged. “Actually, it’s kind of nice to discuss it like adults. Quietly. Without crazy emotions or reactions, or you having to talk me out of hurting myself. What you say makes sense.”
“What I want to do also makes sense.”
“No. It doesn’t. I want to move forward. Not commit murder.”
“I won’t. I won’t do anything in cold blood. What I’m proposing isn’t as dangerous as half of the things I’ve done since then. You know that.”
“I hate your job.”
He laughed softly. “But you love me.”
She nodded her head. “I do. I love you.”
He waited a long moment, but finally ended with what bothered him more than anything he didn’t do for Jessie. “I walked away from your father. I could have taken him down over two years before you did. I could have destroyed him. I could have at least done that for you. But I couldn’t risk what it would do to you. I was petrified about your mental state. I called everyone I could think of to help you. And I could not let your father’s actions do more to you than what he already had. I let it go. I just can’t let this go anymore. I need to make up for it all.”
“By letting it go, you did make up for it all! I have a semblance of a normal life because you let it go. You let me find a way to heal. I would have ended up in a mental sanitarium if not for you. I truly know that. And believe that. So no, it’s not true.”
He sighed. “It’s enough for today. I told you the truth. The truth that you shouldn’t be able to handle well. There, you see? I trust you now. As my partner. My wife. Welcome to marriage, Jess… there are all kinds of shit you might not want to hear.”
“But I need to hear it.”
“Okay, you need to hear it. Now you know what I think about.”
She turned suddenly and put her hands on his cheeks. “I love you,” she said so intently, he felt his breath catch. He leaned in and her mouth found his in a kiss as deep and intense as their previous conversation.
He leaned back and she fell with him, her small hands traveling up under his shirt. He sighed at her touch. Her hands felt warm and soft as they explored him, caressed him, and rubbed him. That they could share anything at all was still a startling revelation. Let alone, sharing sex. She straddled him, kissing him, and leaning back enough to slip her shirt over her head. His breath hitched, she was so beautiful. Her black hair was shoulder-length, straight and glossy. Her eyes were huge, and dewy-soft, revealing her love for him. Her round, large breasts were all his. He touched a finger to her extended nipple. Her mouth opened in response as her eyes dilated. She took his hand and slid if off her, as she turned to the side and slipped her hand into his pants. His breath completely stopped. She touched him. He closed his eyes and released the feelings in his guts. She pulled her hand out and slid his pants down until he sprang free.
His eyelids flipped open when he felt her lips touching his stomach. He could only wonder after everything that happened, how did they ever arrive here?
Chapter Thirteen
The thing about revenge is: it rarely happens. It should not have happened for Jessie. She had to face that as part of her recovery. No one would pay for raping her. She was the victim of multiple rapes, and not one of the perpetrators got punished or put in jail, or humiliated. At first, she was so grateful to get away from it, and all the terror, she didn’t care about revenge. She did not care about justice or payback or getting her day in court. The only thing she cared about was no longer being forced to have sex against her will. Not something most people ever had to endure. But she did.
Will was right; she remembered each one’s face. As well as their disgusting, foul breath blowing over her. She remembered how badly they hurt her. How they humiliated her. She thought it was odd when she saw the ties secured in concrete on the floor of that miserable warehouse. And the ready-made cell in the basement of the warehouse. But she was too sick and disoriented for any of it to make sense to her then.
However, Will was right. They had to have tortured more women than just her. They were sex traffickers.
That thought turned her stomach. Was that why the man wore a hood? To hide himself from her? She never made the connection. At the time, it wasn’t like she could have done anything to identify him or get him into trouble. But what if… Will hadn’t shown up? Would they have sold her?
Yes! They would have sold her!
Her stomach congealed, and she sat up suddenly as sweat began dripping off her face. She always considered Mexico her stain on the earth. Nothing worse than that could have ever befallen her.
She unexpectedly leaned over and wrapped her arms around Will, hugging his torso as tightly as her weak arms would allow. He woke up with a start. “Thank you,” she whispered in the darkness of their bedroom. Her tone sounded fierce. She put her lips on his chest and kissed him while whispering it over and over.
His hands caressed her back and he petted her in soothing strokes. “Hey, for what? What did I do?”
“You saved me. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for stopping it. And not letting it get worse. And for saving me before I got sold. That could have been only the start! I got so bogged down in what actually happened, I think I forgot that it could have gone on for so much longer. Until my death. You saved me.”
His entire body went still. He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have brought this all up. It doesn’t help you.”
“Actually, finding something to appreciate about it is really new for me, and kind of liberating. I’m grateful you went there. I know it comes up so much between us, but knowing it was you who literally saved me, makes me love you more too. You said, a long time ago, I only needed you because you saved me, and I would have felt that way about anyone. You were right. What you failed to mention is, once I got my head screwed on a little straighter, I would continue to feel that hero-worship toward you. Your kindness, your patience, and your understanding changed everything for me.”
He squeezed her tightly to his body. “I never thought that ordeal could offer anything to appreciate. I just wish, at the time, I went back and finished them all.”
“Easy to say now. You couldn’t have left me alone! If you had, I might never have gotten out of Mexico. So, no you shouldn’t have. Your first and foremost priority was to get me out of there. And you did. And now… you want to finish it. Finish them, I mean.”
His entire body stilled under hers. She could feel him physically holding his breath. “Yes, I do, Jessie. I want to do that. But it isn’t you that I need to do it for. It’s for me.”
“Does it really make that much difference to you? Life or death? Can’t you live with it as is?”
“It really makes that much difference to me.”
“You have to promise me this: you won’t go down there to kill everyone. It’s only to bring them to the authorities. And it can’t be a fake promise. Or you thinking you can say whatever you want to me for the sake of protecting me. You have to mean it, Will. Or I swear to God, when you come home, I will be gone. If you lie to me about it… you will not be able to talk your way back into my heart. This is final for me. Think long and hard before you agree to go there. You will break us in two if you lie.”
He took in a deep breath. “I can do that. I can promise you I’m not going down there to kill anyone in cold blood. If you let me go down there, and fucking do something, anything to at least, stop them, and get even some of them punished, I can accept your terms.”
“You swear to God you’re not going to risk breaking us?”
He took her face between his hands and leaned his forehead onto hers. “I swear to God. I am not going to risk breaking us.”
“And then will you be done? With things that can get you killed? That I have to suffer through while waiting for your safe return?”
“I’m done,” he said softly, his tone filled with care and concern. “I am all yours then.”
“I cannot believe I am agreeing to this.”
“Maybe you need a little more closure than you think you do. Maybe you need this too.”
She drew in a sharp breath. “How would I know? It’s never been on the table before. I never conceived of getting any kind of justice.”
“Well, baby, it is now. I’ll get you some justice.”
“Don’t be cocky.”
“You want me cocky; it’s when I’m at my best.”
She rolled her eyes in the dark. “Okay, soldier, I want you cocky. Just don’t die. You think I’ve suffered in the past…”
He squeezed her and his lips hovered over hers as he said, “I promise I won’t die. I won’t make you suffer. Not anymore.”
****
Will didn’t mention “it” again. Weeks went by, and Jessie finally tried to return to building her new life and coping with all the crap she had to work on and manage.
She came home one Saturday afternoon after shopping with Bella to find Will on the couch. He had an ice pack over his hand. She rushed over to him, dropping her stuff on the floor. “What happened?”
“I smashed a finger. It fucking hurts.”
She lifted the ice pack and studied his hand, touching his index finger gently. She rubbed her fingers over his large hands and hairy knuckles. She loved his hands. Leaning down, she kissed the red tip. “What happened? Training?”
“No,” he grumbled.
“Okay? Then how did you do that?”
“I started building your kennel.”
“You started the dog kennel?” She studied his face, careful to keep hers neutral. “Uh-huh. So you did this using a hammer?”
He glanced up at her amused tone. “Yeah? So? Why are you grinning?”
She bit her lip from inside her mouth, but nearly choked on the laugh. “Because you don’t know how to use one, do you? You don’t know how to build a dog kennel.”
He frowned as he pushed the ice pack back on his hand. “It’s not as easy as it looks. I’d like to see you try if it’s so easy.”
“Yes, but I’m not a soldier in the Special Forces.”
“I can’t believe that my pain amuses you so much.”
She kept giggling. “Not laughing at your pain, I was just thinking, escaping a terrorist cell made you feel on top of the world. I can see why now; it’s a strange adrenaline rush. You like the near-death aspect of your job, don’t you? I was thinking about your voice the other night, when I gave you permission to go back to Mexico. You like doing that, don’t you? The thrill? Risking death? It makes you feel so alive, you don’t notice the pain. But a slightly smashed finger has you hiding inside here with an ice pack on it!”
“It hurts,” he grumbled again, his mouth a tight line. “I was building the damn thing for you anyway and now you’re laughing at me?”
She straddled his lap. “I know. My hero. My big, strong, manly soldier.” She ruffled his hair with her hands and kissed his scowling face.
“Why are you laughing at me now?”
“Because you’re so funny. Sometimes, I can’t get over how you manage
to disappear behind the role of the cold, robotic, super-soldier veneer you assume… And then… this! You make me smile and laugh and feel happy, Will Hendricks, when no one else can.”
He shook his head. “I really don’t get what turns you on sometimes,” he mumbled as he lifted his hands to her waist, using both hands, even his tragically injured one.
She took his smashed finger and brought it to her mouth. Putting it between her lips, she sucked it gently. She watched his face jerk with surprise as his eyebrows shot up in shock. “Better yet?” she whispered as she set his hand underneath her shirt.
“Yeah, getting there,” he grunted.
She leaned forward, planting herself directly over his erection. He drew in a sharp breath. She kissed the corner of his mouth. “I really do appreciate your feeble attempts at building the dog house for me, soldier.”
“About damn time. You didn’t seem all that appreciative,” he grumbled in a pout.
She rubbed herself on him. He pushed up against her with a soft groan. “Oh, I’m really, really appreciative. But maybe we could ask Finn to help you?”
He suddenly grabbed her arms and scowled into her face. “I don’t need some other dude to come over and show me how to build a stupid dog house.”
“Actually, you do. Besides, if you don’t learn now, how do you intend to find out exactly how to build us that house you keep fantasizing about?”
“It’s not a fantasy. If I can devise complicated missions, I’m sure I can figure out how to build a damn dog house.” He turned so he was lying flat with her on top of him. “I’ll show you how much help I need,” he said. His hands came up and started undoing her pants.
The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5) Page 17