****
He sat next to a mother on the plane who was holding a toddler on her lap. The boy kept staring at him and suddenly smiling as he gummed his fingers. Will glanced around, unsure if he was whom the boy was so enthralled with. He smiled, feeling awkward. How should he have responded to the strangely focused attention the toddler was giving him? The child gurgled and squealed, and his mother shushed the kid while handing him a brightly colored toy. The kid threw it across the aisle with another squeal while his mom sighed.
Will couldn’t help chuckling. The woman glanced at him with a weary smile. “Sorry; it’s harder than I thought to travel with a child.”
Will shook his head. “No problem. He’s cute. How old?”
Why would he ask that? He never asked any mother before how old her kid was. He was sure he never even noticed any toddlers before, let alone, commented on how cute they were. Weird. Mexico unsettled him and he really couldn’t wait to get home. Soon. Just hours. He was literally almost jumping from his seat with anxiety.
“He’s eighteen months. He’s our first child. The airline said it was no big deal to hold your kid and not have to pay for another airline ticket. They didn’t tell me how hard that would be. You have any kids?”
He paused. No one ever asked him that. He almost looked over his shoulder. He seemed like someone who could have been a dad? A father? His breath became uneven and heavy.
“No. My wife and I want to wait a few years.”
He still got a strange thrill when he said his wife. Father? No. Wow. That was beyond contemplation.
“Well, don’t let anyone convince you they just go to sleep from the motion of the airplane and you don’t need another seat. Or sleeping pills.”
He frowned at the sarcastic statement. The woman laughed softly.
“Oh my, you don’t have children. I was kidding around. About the sleeping pills. For me. Not him.”
Will’s face loosened up. “Okay, sorry. I’m a little serious. I just…” took down some drug traffickers that raped my wife… Although that was too inappropriate for the conversation, he felt jumpy and full of adrenaline.
She smiled softly. “I shouldn’t have kidded about that. But thank you for worrying so quickly about my boy. Good sign. You’ll make a good dad.”
She turned and started talking to the baby who was now grabbing her hair.
Will turned back toward the window. Good dad? Him? He could not picture that. He knew nothing about good dads. He never knew his own. There was never any man in his mom’s life that he considered a male role model. Tony’s dad, Lewis, was pretty cool. Quiet and calm, he seemed pretty awesome to Tony and him. But that was Tony’s dad, not his. He didn’t know the first thing about parenting. Or kids. Much less, flying with them or not. The anxiety climbed up his throat. What were the chances Jessie could ever face having a child again? Her own experience was so traumatic, how could she ever do it again?
She still didn’t like to talk about the pregnancy or the baby who was conceived through rape and torture. She told Will explicitly in the letters she was writing. He wasn’t with her, but Lindsey was. She gave birth without complications. Probably the only thing in Jessie’s life that didn’t have complications. She was only twenty-one years old, but lived a whole lifetime before they met. She suffered enough for a lifetime. How could he ever expect her to think about having another baby?
She gave the girl up for adoption. She didn’t think she could love her. Or if she did; she’d end up ruining her. Will asked her once if she ever thought about the baby and Jessie mutely nodded her head. Yes. She thought about her. She thought about everything. She just didn’t want to talk about it. She talked about everything else. There was no solution for that. Nothing new to say. It was what it was. She let it be.
Will wondered how he could even approach having a conversation regarding kids. Sure, she said so in abstract ways, but in reality, was that in the cards for them? They were always living barely one step out of Mexico and the Army. It was hard to imagine being completely free or conceiving kids. Family. Home.
His breath exhaled. Shit. All the things they talked of, and dreamed of were now… possible. His throat felt tight, like hands were squeezing his vocal chords. How could they be normal? It was impossible to imagine. Even the two of them together was hard to imagine. He glanced again at the baby boy who smiled at Will when he noticed him. Will couldn’t help the wide grin that split his face. Okay, the kid was cute. There was something to be said for that.
****
For the first time, Jessie was waiting for Will at the airport. She never did that before. Or since. Previously, she refused to step one foot onto Fort Bragg. She preferred to remain separate from Will’s Army life. She had to be. It was the only way she could live through it.
But today, she was at the luggage carousel, waiting for him. Her heart was lodged in her throat, and her stomach felt jumpy and shaky with excitement. She could not eat. She was so excited, nervous, and almost combusting to see Will, and she didn’t really know why. It felt like longer than a few days. It felt like a lifetime had passed since he left her. She paced while waiting beside the baggage claim. It was late at night, and fairly quiet. Her stomach was in knots.
Reversing from a long walk down one way, she started the other direction when Will’s plane finally landed. The blinking lights over the carousel announced its arrival. Her stomach froze and knotted some more. This was good. Will was home. They were done. Time to start over. For real. Forever. Yeah, no pressure there.
She sighed. It was so different than when she was twenty years old, and arriving at this very airport. Not alone, but accompanied by Will. Will the soldier. He was kind and solicitous, but also formal, keeping a wall firmly between them. She eventually smashed though it with a sledge hammer. But in her defense, she didn’t mean to. She wasn’t completely sane enough to know she was doing it.
She was now twenty-five years old and worked full time. She had a house, pets and a husband, who she had no doubt loved her. She went months without hurting herself or having any kind of extreme emotional meltdown. She was a good person now, unlike before. She was not that girl.
But at the airport, waiting for Will, she kind of felt like the old Jessie again.
Then… she saw him. He was walking down a flight of stairs with the people who had obviously disembarked with him. Her heart stopped and she put her hand to her chest to make sure it started pumping again. He meant so much to her. Too much. He stood out, strong, young and handsome among the crowd of normal, ordinary, average people. He was and always had been extraordinary to her. He was so handsome, she could imagine a halo shining over his blond hair and chiseled, perfect face. She noticed his big muscles and thought of his bigger heart. He was everything she needed. He was the only person who ever fully loved and accepted her. And she knew that right down to her broken core. He was responsible for her stability and making her normal. She would have been broken if not for Will. So seeing him walking down the stairs, alive and well, completely at ease… made her breath catch and her heart hurt. He had to quit doing that to her. She couldn’t take the stress anymore of Will being in danger. She’d surely die if he did, and that was her truth.
She stood there as if rooted to the ground. She took extra care getting ready with Bella’s help. Bella even drove her there, and was almost giddy. She thought it was the most romantic thing ever. It wasn’t. Jessie didn’t know how to convey the kind of pain that airports, Mexico and Will stirred up in her stomach. It was all a swirling mess of anxiety. But Bella made her pretty. She curled Jessie’s normally straight hair and used hair gel to make it look tousled and sexy. Her makeup was a bit more than usual, but not the slutty, heavy-handed way she used to wear it. Bella had a gift.
Her dress was subtle and tailored. She couldn’t stand to even hint at tight or sexy anymore. For reasons Will completely understood, she could no longer wear clothes that other men found sexy. The way she used to dress.
&nb
sp; Which was fine. Flat shoes and jeans were a hell of a lot more comfortable.
Except today. Today, she dressed up, and it meant more to her, than the ceremony for Will’s discharge from the Army. Today was the day. The start. The forever of Jessie and Will, or at least, that’s how it magnified in her brain.
God, she loved him. Her heart flipped inside her chest and her palms grew clammy. He had a bag over his shoulder, held loosely by his fingers. Even the way he held a bag made her stomach drop. She might not have loved sex, but she found everything about him sexy. She had a physical reaction to his smile. His hands. His funny looks at her. His deep, calming voice. Everything about him did it for her, and nothing else in the world even touched her heart. She might have been concrete if not for the effect his love had on her. He turned her to Jell-O.
Lifting his head, he scanned the crowd as he stepped off the stairs. She knew the moment he spotted her. His entire body straightened up and the smile that flashed over his face was instant, sincere and warm. His teeth gleamed, and his eyes crinkled. His grin for her was as bright and crazy as hers for him.
He slid the bag from his shoulder and dropped it unceremoniously to the ground. He didn’t even look down to see where it landed. His pace towards her increased. She went after him too until finally, she was in his arms. He swept her up when she nearly launched herself at him. He caught her and lifted her feet clear off the floor. His arms tightened around her. His muscles could crack a skull; of that, she was sure. But he was always so gentle with her. She started to cry, but didn’t know why. She felt happy. Happier than she might have ever been before.
Will was finally home for good.
It was a quiet evening at the airport with little going on. Their dramatic, crazy embrace drew the attention of people, who looked on. The moving crowds had to separate and go around them. They didn’t move. They clung to each other almost without breathing. It was as if time stopped as he held her tightly and she clasped his shoulders. She could hear his heart beating. She closed her eyes to the sound. Nothing else mattered. She ignored all the strangers. The clang and bang of the luggage carousel, and the infrequent honks of traffic outside… none of it could touch their moment.
But the tears came anyway, as well as the lump in her throat and stuffy nose. They streamed from her eyes, smearing her carefully applied makeup. Holding her closer, he gently crooned in her ear. Shh… Shh, baby. I’m okay. You’re okay. It’s okay. Everything is finally okay.
Perhaps that was why she was crying. She never pictured the moment when she and Will would really be okay.
He finally let her slide down his body to stand on her own feet. He took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. The pads of his big thumbs gently rubbed her eyes, taking the smeared makeup off. He had such a tender, sweet smile, her heart felt like it could’ve fallen out of her chest. It swelled with emotions. He opened his mouth and she waited for him to tell her he loved her. He was home. They were going to be ordinary now. Instead, he grinned suddenly and said, “Hey, Jessie.”
She expected something… more profound. Not hey, Jessie. A laughed escaped her despite her streaming tears.
“Hey, Will.”
He appeared cocky, boyish, and happy. “Did you get all dressed up for me?”
She smiled and felt foolishly happy. “No, for my other husband, who’s inbound from hell.”
He grinned even wider. “I think the airport scene is almost as good as surprising you at home.”
“You’re like a girl with your damn grand moment hellos. Well, I hate them because it means you were gone. How about if you just never fucking leave me again? I’ll take hello after a normal workday over all your damn happy, dramatic, grand, sweeping hellos and goodbyes.”
His eyes glowed. “You know you have a dirty mouth, right? I love that about you. Okay, Jessie, I will never fucking leave you again.”
She wilted at his words and teasing tone, relishing the levity and ease with which he spoke. She grabbed his shirt in her fists to hold herself up. “Do you promise me? Do you promise me forever?”
His smile vanished, and he took her face in his hands, leaning down to kiss her on the mouth. His lips were soft and lingered over hers. When he lifted her face, he whispered into her ear, “I promise I won’t leave you again. I promise you that, forever.”
She sagged into his body and he caught her. His mouth touched her neck and he showered kisses all over it. Her legs went numb and she had to let him hold her up. She never felt so emotional or fragile in her life. She was strong, but now? She simply could not be. The enormity of Will’s arrival rendered her unable to hold herself up.
****
Home. Will stared at their small, trim, albeit older, house. The dogs barked behind the fence as the moon streamed over the yard, making shadows. He felt a strange mix of adrenaline and sentimentality. A warm rush filled his body. What was this reaction? He left often on deployments and yet never felt such joy at coming home as he felt right now.
Jessie glanced at him when he just sat in the truck, staring straight ahead. She touched his forearm. “You okay?”
He turned toward her and saw her big brown eyes were huge and pensive. They were rimmed in red from crying, and her makeup was still smudged. A little dot of black mascara still marred the white skin under one eye. Her hair was tousled and curled, and pretty. But he preferred it normal. Straight. Brushing over her shoulders or pulled back into a ponytail. He liked her face scrubbed free. She didn’t need the makeup. Or extra frills. She was the most beautiful girl he ever saw, and now the loveliest woman he knew. Something he still had to convince her of.
He might have been just a little prejudiced in his judgment, but he didn’t think so.
He leaned over and tucked a strand of curled hair behind her ear. He pulled her face forward and pressed his lips on hers as his other hand circled her waist and brought her against him. When he released her, she blinked and smiled softly.
He grinned. “Okay? Yeah, that’s one word for it.”
She frowned up at him and grumbled, “Playing warrior turns you on entirely too much.”
He grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her fully on the lips. “It’s not playing soldier that turns me on entirely too much, you funny girl. It’s you. It’s coming home and realizing we made it! We made it past the point you, and I, and anyone who knows us, never really thought we would. We did it, Jess. We survived it all. We even survived the Army. We can do whatever the hell we want to now.”
She put her hands over his and interlaced her fingers. She had such small, weak hands. They never could have protected her from all the terrible things she endured. He would never let her feel weak and hurt again. They smiled at each other and it lasted way too long. Goofy, like two teenagers, they smiled at each other and held hands.
When they finally parted and entered the house, it still shocked him to see the normal, sanitary circumstances in which he and Jessie now lived. Everything was so different, and better than he ever dared hope for.
When the door shut behind him, he set his suitcase down and started to hang his coat up as he felt her hand on his chest.
“You really didn’t kill him? Or anyone?”
He gripped her hand in his and raised it to his mouth before opening it and kissing her palm. Her eyelids fluttered at the contact. “I really didn’t kill them. I might have sent them to the hospital, but not to the morgue.”
Her eyes widened. “You what?”
“You never said I couldn’t hurt them.”
She shut her eyes with a dramatic scowl. When she opened them, they were big and accusing. “Oh my God! I thought that was just implied. Then how did you get them?”
He shifted his hips, and felt like fidgeting. “I ah, didn’t exactly “get” them. I assume the proper authorities responded to the, uh, fire and found them there. Don’t know for sure.”
Her mouth dropped open. “The fire?” She shook her head. “What did you do?”
; “I blew the place up.”
Her eyes were saucers, and her mouth went even wider in a giant O. “Y-you what?”
Disgruntled, he muttered, “You never said I couldn’t do that.”
She grabbed her forehead like she suddenly had a stabbing pain. Then she shut her eyes in a tight squint, as if blocking out the light. “Will! That was not something I should have to tell you not to do. It’s kind of just, you know, common knowledge that you don’t blow up a fucking building!”
She seemed really upset. He cleared his throat. “I didn’t kill him.”
One eyelid popped open. Then, the other. “What did you do then?” she whispered.
He stepped forward and put a hand on her chin, lifting her face to his. “I kept my promise to you. I did. I didn’t kill them.”
She shuddered. “You know I wouldn’t really leave you. Even if you did break your word. I could never leave you. Not willingly. I just didn’t want you to become like them.”
“I had a moment. I won’t lie to you, when I felt like I could have. I had him, Jess. Right there. A knife on his fucking throat. I got a little out of control, and for an instant, I almost…”
She nodded. “I realized later it was stupid thing to make you promise, and a stupid thing to let you go do. If anyone hurt you… I’d have to kill them if I could. I shouldn’t have expected you to keep your cool. Knowing you did…”
He grinned. “Proves I’m a damn saint, right?”
She shook her head. “Too soon. You can’t be charming yet. You can’t make light of this yet. I’m not ready.” She put a hand to her chest. “I almost didn’t survive this one.”
He leaned down and picked her up so she was sitting on the back of the couch. He leaned his forehead into hers. “Jess, I almost didn’t survive what happened to you.” He took a piece of her hair between his fingers and twirled it. “Thank you for letting me do this.”
Her hand snaked up behind his neck and she pulled his mouth towards hers. He obliged gladly, touching his lips to hers. He always started with his lips closed. More than half the time, her lips didn’t open. Today, however, her mouth opened and her tongue came into his mouth as she pulled harder on his neck. He groaned at the feel of her tongue sliding over his. His hand tangled in her hair. He never knew what to expect from her. Compliance. Rejection. Sometimes quiet acceptance of his advances. Other times, she aggressively sought his attention. He seemed to experience a little of everything with Jessie. He never could predict her thoughts or actions. Ever. So although it made him feel itchy when he contemplated not being a soldier, and no more action, combat, guns, men, enemies, and good versus bad, there was Jessie. In many ways, she was like a field full of landmines ready to detonate… and he needed all his skills to navigate her.
The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5) Page 20