He glanced down at her and his face softened. “It’s what we want. It’s just, holy fuck!”
She stared at her toes, knowing what he meant. It was so much to comprehend. So much had happened. How did they ever get here? “I love you,” he said finally.
She smiled up at him. “I should hope so. That’s why we’re having a baby together.”
He nodded. “I was just saying.”
Silence fell between them. It was a quiet, profound, nice kind of silence. Both were remembering things that they wished they didn’t have to, but knew they always would. It was just a part of them. He finally took her hand in his. “Are you okay?”
“So far? Yes. One day at a time, soldier. Just like always.”
He nodded slowly. “Just like always.”
“We can do this, Will. We’ve done so much already. And things that were much harder. This is just… natural. What couples do. It’s normal.”
He was unnaturally pale. “It scares the shit out of me.”
“I think it’s the first time you’ve ever admitted that to me.”
He smiled sheepishly. “Not so good at normal. I was always better at bombing things or finding insurgent terrorists.”
“It’s just a baby, Will.”
“There is no ‘just’ and ‘baby.’”
“You said you wanted this too.”
He whipped around. “I do. I really do. I’m just…”
“Me too,” she finally admitted.
He rose to his feet and put his hand out to her. “How about I help you make another salad? Then you can show me the latest wonderful bean concoction you’ve created just to convince me I’m happy we no longer eat meat.”
She grabbed his hand and let him pull her up. Having recently become a vegetarian, she was pretty sure it wouldn’t be one of her passing phases or short-lived obsessions. She felt pretty sure she actually liked it. Will didn’t. He grumbled and complained, even showing up with his own groceries or fast food. She glared at him when he did that. He responded by grinning back and savoring the hamburger or fried chicken he was munching on even more.
****
“Are you sure you should do that?”
She turned her head so Will could not see her face as she rolled her eyes. Holy crap! He was a crazy nanny on steroids. He wouldn’t let Jessie do anything. He was like a strict, overprotective parent.
“Yes, Will, I’m sure I should get my teeth cleaned.”
“Well, I read something about the X-rays…”
Oh my God! He needed to stop reading about pregnancy. All the what ifs of Jessie’s pregnancy scared Will more than any Al-Qaeda terrorist. “They won’t do any X-rays once I tell them I’m pregnant.”
“Oh. Okay. It’s just…”
She gritted her teeth to keep from snapping. He was only doing it out of concern; but she was not an idiot or suddenly mentally incapacitated. She was simply expecting.
It took Will a few days to warm up to the idea. He walked around, pale and looking thunderstruck, as if she had terminal cancer and he had to prepare for the worst. Finally, while in bed one night, he put his hand on her stomach and said quite simply, he was ready. She had to bite her lip to hide her grin. She gently told him it would be a good eight months before he was needed.
****
She reclined in the dentist’s chair and allowed the dental technician to lean in and start scraping her teeth. The lady’s breath suddenly seemed extra sour over Jessie’s face. She tried breathing through her mouth, but couldn’t plug her nose. The smell stayed right there. Above her nose. Every time the tech spoke, which was constantly, her foul breath offended Jessie’s nose. Tears began gathering in the corners of her eyes.
She started to breathe in fast, shallow breaths. Fisting her hands, she finally dug her fingernails into her thighs. It was so bad, she shut her eyes. Bad mistake. Her sense of smell was too strong and she was easily transported to the last time she could remember someone with foul breath blowing into her face. Fuck! Mexico. And that quickly, she was there.
Their cruel faces reentered her brain. She pictured the dark-haired one yelling right into her face. She turned her head to the side, trying to avoid the putrid smell. But he grabbed her jaw in his fingers and squeezed, turning her face. Leaning his rotten mouth towards her, his rancid breath hit her like a slap in the face. She remembered struggling, but her legs and hands could not move. She was completely helpless and his prisoner. The claustrophobia of being trapped was enough to instigate a surging rush of adrenaline throughout her system. No! She had to get away. But he was on top of her. Their breaths combined as he jammed his slimy tongue into her mouth before shoving his hand inside her… She opened her eyes. No! No! It was just the technician with bad breath. She just needed a breath mint. That was all; it was not those men. They were gone. She was simply getting her damn teeth cleaned.
She dug harder into the side of her thighs with her fingernails. This hadn’t happened in so long. Why now? No! She screamed at herself. No. She was fine. She was over and done with that. She was four months pregnant with a healthy baby. A baby they both wanted and already loved. Will brought strange baby paraphernalia home every day that he researched beforehand and felt sure they needed.
Finally, the tech lifted her face before the dentist stepped in to check her teeth. She took in several huge lungfuls of air. Yes. Better. Clean air. She was fine. She was at the damn dentist.
Still…
It awakened a pain she hadn’t felt for a long time. As the lady bent down to start flossing her teeth, Jessie suddenly got up. She ripped the rinsing bib off, grabbed her purse and dashed out of the office. She was already into the parking lot when the astounded receptionist called after her. She hadn’t even paid.
She didn’t care. She was shaking when she started her car. She got home and paced the house before running into the bathroom. It was just the dentist. It was nothing.
But oh God! That horrible smell. It was so real. So similar. So disgusting. It ruined her. The dry heaves wracked her body as she choked on her feelings. She flipped the toilet seat up and started vomiting her lunch. Her body wracked and heaved repeatedly as tears fell down her face and sweat broke out on her skin. She finally stopped, and fell against the cool tub. She lifted her face and saw her haircutting scissors. No razors. Nope. Not in the Hendricks’ household. Not with crazy Jessie Bains in residence.
With shaking fingers, she picked up the scissors and stared at them. She closed her eyes. The images filled her mind. The heaving bodies. The pain. God, so much pain. No one knew. No one could comprehend how much they hurt her. Or why the act could still churn her stomach with sour acid.
She struck one blade in her leg before she could think another thought. It jammed in easily and she made a two-inch line. Blood oozed and trickled. At the sharp sting of pain, she was suddenly snapped out of the strange reverie. She stared in horror at the blood dripping from her leg. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. What had she done? Why did she do this? She was past this. Years past this. No.
She started to cry with frantic shame as she wiped her leg and pressed hard to make the bleeding stop. She was pregnant with her loving husband’s child. She was mostly happy, and mostly normal. And yet, one short trip to the dentist and a horrendous case of bad breath had her cutting herself?
“Jess?”
She jerked to attention. Shit. Shit. Shit. Will was home. Of course. It was five-fifteen. He never got home later than that. The job was stable, repetitive, but not hard. He never had to stay late and always came home on time.
She scrabbled to her feet, grabbing more toilet paper, which she pressed to her leg. “Jessie?”
He called her name again. Her car was parked out front and he knew she was home. She grabbed the Band-Aids. She had to stop the bleeding or he’d know what she did. Her trembling fingers made her drop the box. Falling to the floor, she grabbed fistfuls of them.
“Jessie? Are you in there?”
He was knocking on
the bathroom door and calling her name. She bit her lip and quieted down. He was silent for a long moment as she sat on the floor, breathing hard.
“Jessie?”
His tone changed. He wasn’t casually calling hello to her.
“Jessie, open the door! I mean it. Open it, or I will.”
She threw the Band-Aids and stood up on shaking legs before slowly walking to the door and opening it. She wasn’t crazy anymore and had to face him.
Her shoulders sagged as she stared at her feet. She knew he was taking in her appearance. Her pants were off and she was in her underwear and t-shirt. Blood trickled down her leg. Her stomach protruded with their baby. He was silent for a long moment and she could not look at him.
He suddenly stepped forward and took her in his arms. “What happened?”
She fell against his chest, tears choking her throat. She clutched his white, button-up dress shirt in her hands. His tie tickled her face as she leaned into it. How could they be in a place where Will wore a tie to work, but she was still crazy? “I cut my leg,” she sobbed against him, hiccupping.
His big hands rubbed her shoulders and slid down her arms. His tone was even and kind as he said, “I see that.”
He didn’t ask why. He knew why. He knew she was crazy and sick, and he’d surely regret trying to have a baby with her. Who does that kind of stuff? What kind of mother could she possible become? Her shoulders shook as she cried into his chest.
With a gentle push, he sat her down on the closed toilet lid. She cried harder. It was so reminiscent of years past, and times they hadn’t dealt with in so long. She brought her hands up to her face in humiliation. He squatted down next to her and gently touched her leg. She knew instantly that he wanted to inspect her self-inflicted, bleeding wound. He would hate her. For doing that. For going back to her awful obsession. The thought of his disappointment in her crushed her chest.
He pulled tissue from the box on the back of the toilet tank and gently pressed it on her. After fumbling around, he found a few Band-Aids, which he unwrapped and quickly placed over the cut.
He began running his hands over her legs and up to her waist; then he got on his knees to kneel beside her. He gently pulled her hands from her face so she had to meet his probing gaze. “What happened, Jess?”
“I went to the dentist,” she whispered again. Her shame kept her voice low.
“You’ve gone before.”
“The dental tech… she h-had bad breath.”
He nodded and something seemed to shine from his eyes in understanding. “And there you were lying down, with her over you, and smelling bad breath. You’ve told me before about the bad breath. It put you right back there, didn’t it?”
She nodded, as fresh tears filled her eyes and started to slip over. “Yes.”
He pulled her forward and looped his arms around her. He lifted her up and took her to the edge of their bed where he sat down with her in his lap. He rocked her back and forth against him as she cried and sobbed in ways she had not done in years. Only after fifteen minutes of hysterical sobs did she start to quiet down. Later, it was only intermittent cries until she became finally silent as she buried her face into the spot between his shoulder and neck.
After a while, she whispered into his neck, “You shouldn’t have tried to have a baby with me.”
“And why would that be?” he asked, his tone mild.
“Because I’m crazy.”
He smiled warmly and slipped a hand to her forehead, which he stroked to soothe her. “Nah. You just have hard days sometimes.”
“No. I used to. It’s not supposed to happen anymore.”
“I’m confused. Was there some imaginary line we crossed in which everything was done? Is that what you thought? That we were done? Jessie-girl, it’s better, but nothing will ever be gone forever. There will be bad days. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or us or having a baby. That’s what we both used to do. We can’t let the bad shake up everything else. It has nothing to do with anything else. It just means you had a bad day.”
“But I cut myself.”
“I know,” he said in a tone so incredibly gentle, it drew fresh tears in her eyes.
“Why would I do such a thing? As soon as I did it, I wanted to take it back. I knew it was wrong. It was the first time I ever felt that way. I’ve always wanted to do it, even though it shamed me.”
He shrugged. “Sounds like progress.”
A strangled laugh escaped her throat. “Oh my God! I’m fucked up. I mean, I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. And then I ran out in middle of it and didn’t even pay. They were calling after me in the parking lot. I looked completely crazy. I can never go back there.”
“I’ll run by and pay them. And so what? Just never go there again. In fact, from now on, why don’t I go with you?”
“You go with me? Because I’m so screwed up, I can’t get my own teeth cleaned?”
“No. Because you’re lying there with someone above you essentially, trapping you in. I’m surprised that sensation hasn’t been a problem in the past. It makes sense to me that it would. So I go with you from now on.”
She turned her head toward him. “I wish…”
“I know what you wish. But let’s get over it. This is just what it is. And the only criticism I have is the same as last: use your phone. Call me. I’ll be right here. Now, unlike the old Army days, I can promise you I will be right there, whenever you are. Wherever you need me. It’s why we wanted this so bad, remember? Besides, it’s not like you’re interrupting anything. I’d be happy for any distraction from all the HVAC managing stimulation.”
Shockingly, a small laugh escaped her throat. “I was ashamed. I thought I was better.”
“You are.”
His tone was so emphatic, she lifted her head off his shoulder and finally met his gaze. He smiled and touched a thumb pad under her eye and wiped it. More gently he assured her, “You are better.”
“What kind of mother will I make? I’m pregnant, and I did this.”
He shrugged and made an eh sound. “You nicked your leg. It’s not like you tried to give yourself a Caesarean. It was just a pre-conditioned response you had. It’s actually not that big of a deal. You knew it was wrong. That part upset you. So like I said, progress.”
“You can’t possibly be serious.”
“You know what? I am very serious. You know my mom was an oblivious alcoholic.”
She nodded. “That’s one thing I managed to avoid.”
He smiled with appreciation. “Well, do you know how many times she went to rehab or AA to get sober? Or how many times she fell off the wagon and simply started all over again? Well, that’s kind of what this was. You fell off the wagon today. Tomorrow, you climb back on. And unlike my mother, you can actually manage and deal with your shit. I mean, nothing has changed. It was a bad day, Jess. Don’t make it any bigger in your head than it was.”
“You really don’t think that.”
“I really do.”
His fingertips ran up and down her spine. She finally relaxed her stiff posture and eased into his hands. “This baby deserves better.”
His fingers stilled. “You always accuse me of being the most careful and prepared person you know, right? And you tell me I don’t have a spontaneous bone in my body?”
A teeny tiny smile crossed her lips. “Yes. You don’t. It’s about your only fault.”
He cupped her face in his hand and stared into her eyes. “Whose idea was it to have a baby?”
She frowned and her brow knitted. “Yours.”
“You know what a monumental deal that was for me to consider actually doing and wanting, right?”
She nodded.
“Who did I pick to be the mother of my baby?”
Her voice was shaky when she spoke. “Me.”
“Yeah. You,” he said with total confidence. “And do you think I would pick a woman to raise my baby if she weren’t loving and warm and wo
nderful? Or if I didn’t have complete and total confidence in her? Come on, Jessie, you know I wouldn’t have volunteered to have a baby with you if I didn’t completely believe you could not only handle it, but excel at it. You know I don’t allow failure.”
“Then you should have picked a different wife,” she muttered, her tone annoyed.
“I should not have picked anyone else. I love you. You will be a compassionate, kind, caring, nurturing mother. You will be… you. All the things that make up the woman I love.”
“Do you really think that?”
“Jessie, I won’t lie to you.”
“I know you won’t.” She finally relented. He leaned back and brought her with him before sliding her to one side of him and letting her rest in his arms. She slowed her tears and her breathing. They lay there for a long while as sun reflected its rays on the walls and ceiling of the bedroom, and the fan spun lazily. She closed her eyes, and after a long while, opened them and brought herself back to the now. To their home. Away from all the hurt and horror residing in her memories. It was and would always be the fabric of her life. There was no escaping it. Only living with it. And Will made living with it so much better.
His arms tightened around her and his muscles bunched and flexed as he rubbed his hands over her back and shoulders. She thought after enough time, the flashbacks and cutting and desires that were dark and awful might eventually vanish. Perhaps she could be free of them. It was difficult for her to realize she would never totally be free. They would never totally be gone.
But thanks to Will’s love, years of counseling, and her own hard work every day, there was hope she could live with it. Most days, she found happiness and fulfillment, but it would never, ever be a perfect process. Her goal now was to minimize the bad and maximize the good. She coped with it at first by nearly destroying herself. And Will along with her. She eventually saw a way to live with it that did not involve self-destruction. But then, she was alone and barely existing. Now with Will, she had to cope and pursue a real life. She deserved that.
She took in a deep breath to allow the thought to register in her brain. So easily, her brain rejected that thought, automatically denying it, while reminding her she did not deserve love or happiness. She was unworthy. She was bad. She was a terrible person. Bad things only happen to bad people. What would become of her baby? Because she was so bad.
The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5) Page 25