by Judith Pella
Victoria and Caitlan immediately put their heads together about making the dress. Jordana offered a few remarks about style, but as sewing was definitely not her forte, she was quiet the rest of the time, finally taking herself out to the laundry room to see to the clothes that had been hung to dry earlier.
The Christmas Eve service at Kiernan and Victoria’s church was very nice, but afterward Jordana still felt . . . well, perhaps restless was the best way to describe her emotions. She threw herself into the holiday festivities with the others and did enjoy herself. She loved these people more than any others in the world, besides her parents. And they loved her. But despite the sense of joy and support she felt in their presence, that small cloud of sadness would not disappear.
New Year’s Day, 1865, came at last, and Jordana let herself truly believe that her parents were actually coming. A week later, Kiernan and Brenton borrowed one of Charlie Crocker’s carriages and drove to San Francisco to pick up the Baldwins. Because it was several hours’ drive, they would spend the night in the city before returning to Sacramento. The women at home were in varying states of excitement. Victoria was nearly beside herself with anticipation, but she was a bit nervous also. She had confided to Jordana about the money she and Kiernan had lost and how Kiernan had written the Baldwins about it, but there had been no response. She had no idea what to expect from her parents.
Caitlan was so nervous she could neither eat nor sleep. Of course she had met Brenton’s parents that one time in Omaha, but they had been there only a short time, and Caitlan had stayed in the background as much as possible. No amount of encouragement from Victoria and Jordana would allay her fears. And really, neither one of them had ever had the experience of meeting their future in-laws, so they could not offer much in the way of personal advice. They tried to tell her how James and Carolina were the gentlest, kindest, most accepting people on earth. Caitlan knew that from the previous meeting, but this time it was different. Now she was presuming to become part of their family by taking their oldest son.
Jordana was the only one who wasn’t nervous at the prospect of the reunion. She longed to see her mother, to talk to her. Maybe her mother might have some insight about this uncharacteristic melancholy Jordana was experiencing.
——
Shortly before noon the following day, Victoria announced that the carriage was pulling up in front of the house. Jordana raced down the stairs from her room, followed a bit more timidly by Caitlan. When they reached the bottom, Jordana took her friend’s hand.
“They will simply be delighted with you,” she smiled encouragingly.
“Do ya truly think?”
Jordana just shook her head and rolled her eyes. Caitlan would enchant her parents, she knew very well. She looked enchanting for openers. Jordana had finally persuaded Caitlan to buy the green dress they had seen the day of their fight. She convinced the frugal girl that it would serve many uses, first to impress her future in-laws, then as a going-away dress for her honeymoon.
“And where would I be goin’?” Caitlan had returned lightly.
In fact no honeymoon had been planned beyond a brief stay in a nice hotel in town.
Nevertheless, Caitlan sparkled in the gown of green poplin, edged with scallops trimmed with black piping that ran along the straight sleeves, and down the bodice and the front of the skirt. Jet black buttons followed the line of the scallops, and black lace encircled the neckline. Her hair was piled upon her head in a fetching array of ringlets, which Victoria had spent hours fixing. They had laughed that if it took this long to get ready to meet the parents, they’d best get started now to dress her for the wedding.
The three young women arranged themselves in the entryway as elegantly as their excitement would allow. Jordana wanted to open the door and run out to meet them, but Victoria’s admonition had prevailed that they needed to do all they could to assure their mother that her adventurous daughters were still ladies.
The door opened and Kiernan appeared, then quickly stepped aside for his guests. Jordana’s heart simply leaped when her mother stepped inside, and no amount of effort could keep her from racing into her mother’s arms.
“Oh, Mama!” Tears sprang to Jordana’s eyes. “I was trying to be a lady, but . . . I’m just so glad to see you.”
Carolina laughed and kissed Jordana. “As am I, my dear!”
Then Carolina opened her arms for Victoria, who was only a breath away from doing the same thing. It had been far too many years, and both women burst into tears. Thus it was longer than expected before attention was finally drawn to Caitlan. Jordana had stepped back next to her friend and was holding her hand. But by the time Victoria and Carolina had recovered a bit from their emotional reunion, James and Brenton had stepped inside, followed by the younger children—Nicholas, now thirteen, and Amelia, who was eleven.
As Brenton moved quickly to stand next to his fiancée, Jordana embraced her younger brother and sister, exclaiming at how they had grown.
“Mama and Papa, you remember Caitlan,” Brenton said, drawing Caitlan to the front. His eyes were aglow with pride and love.
“Of course we do,” said Carolina with a gracious smile.
Caitlan gave a dainty curtsey. “I am most honored to meet you again, Mrs. Baldwin . . . and Mr. Baldwin.”
There was a brief moment of tense formality. Then James grinned and spoke. “You will be my daughter in a few days, young lady,” he said, “so I hope I will be allowed the honor of hugging you.”
“’Twould be my honor, sir.”
Then James gathered her up, kissed her cheek, and exclaimed at how lovely she looked. Caitlan’s cheeks pinked in a most becoming way, and her eyes glowed. But before she could recover from this, Carolina also held out her arms.
“This family may not see each other very often, but when we do we are an emotional and expressive lot.” Carolina embraced Caitlan. “Welcome to our family, Caitlan. We are proud to have yet another O’Connor enrich our Baldwin bloodlines.”
“I can’t believe you’re finally here,” Jordana said to her family. “Nicholas, what did you think of Russia?”
“It wasn’t half so grand as England,” he replied. “I want to study architecture in London when Papa says I am old enough.”
“And I want to live in Paris and wear beautiful gowns,” said Amelia, her dark eyes sparkling. “The ladies there dress so beautifully.”
Jordana laughed. “Well, it seems you both have your lives quite planned out.”
The happy group moved to the parlor to await the luncheon Victoria and Caitlan had prepared. For the rest of the afternoon the little house fairly buzzed with animated conversation, interspersed with frequent hugs and much laughter. Jordana wanted this joyous reunion to never end. And as that thought occurred to her in the course of the afternoon, her melancholy tugged at her again. She suddenly realized it would end, and life would never be the same.
39
After supper Jordana wandered out to the front porch of the house. It was a chilly January evening, and she wrapped her wool shawl tightly about her. The sky was clear and dotted with an array of faraway stars. A breeze blew from the north, brushing her upturned face with an icy hand.
She didn’t know why she had felt the need to come out here where it was not very comfortable. Why had she wanted a break from the warm togetherness of her family? Her family was everything to her. And having them all together for the first time in years was simply the best thing she could imagine happening. But all the reminiscing over old times had left a knot in Jordana’s stomach. Being reminded of their growing-up years in Greigsville and Baltimore had made her sad instead of happy. It was because she would never be able to go back to that happy time. It had never bothered her before. She had always been one to look ahead to new vistas, new adventures.
Why was now any different?
“What a lovely night!” came Carolina’s voice from the doorway. “Do you mind some company?”
“Please, M
ama, do join me.” Jordana made room on the wicker bench where she was sitting.
Carolina sat and placed an arm around her daughter. “You’re shivering.”
“It’s a cold night.”
“There’ll be snowstorms in New York now. It amazes me that here in Sacramento in January it’s as mild as a fall afternoon back home.”
“They say it is even warmer south of here.”
“Are you truly interested in discussing the weather, Jordana?” sighed Carolina.
Jordana shook her head. “I can think of far more important things I want to talk with you about, Mama.”
“What is it, dear?”
“Oh, but I don’t want to burden you on your first day here.”
“Nonsense! I have come here specifically to share my children’s joy and their burdens. I haven’t much time, so I want to get an early start.” She gave Jordana’s shoulders a squeeze. “So . . . ?”
“Everything is so wonderful, Mama. We finally made it to California and found Kiernan alive, and Caitlan gave her life to God, and she and Brenton are about to be married. And . . . I don’t know. All is perfect. But why am I feeling so sad at times? Am I jealous that they have found love and their futures are laid out before them? I could have found love too. I’ve had men propose—” Her brow arched. “Well, one has died and the other has turned out to be insane. But I could find love—”
“If you wanted it?” prompted Carolina.
“Yes, but I don’t think that’s what is bothering me. I am happy for Brenton and Caitlan, and I don’t think I envy them. But we had such grand times together. Now . . . what will happen now?” The tears she had feared might surprise her during the afternoon finally made an appearance. She dashed at her eyes with her hand. “They are both my best friends, Mama. What am I going to do?” And the tears came harder, too fast for her to wipe them away.
Carolina handed her a handkerchief. “Are you resenting them just a little bit, Jordana?”
Sniffing, Jordana nodded. “Brenton has always been there for me. You know how close we have been, and now he will marry and transfer his allegiance to Caitlan. Oh, I love Caitlan. But she is taking away my brother!” Now Jordana was bawling as the full impact of her feelings was finally expressed. She had always known that one day she and Brenton would find marriage partners and their relationship would change. Selfishly, she had always thought she would marry first and thus her pain would not be as great. But now she felt as if she were being abandoned.
“Isn’t this the silliest thing you ever heard?” Jordana sobbed. “I’m insufferable!”
“There, there . . .” cooed Carolina. “You are neither insufferable nor selfish. Some changes are just harder to take than others.”
“But how am I going to get over the way I feel? I should be so happy now.”
“Tell me something, Jordana. Besides how you are feeling about Brenton, are you worried about your own future?”
She looked at her mother and smiled through her tears. “I don’t think I’m worried, just uncertain. There are so many things I want to do, but I suppose . . . well, maybe I am worried that I won’t be able to do them because I am a woman. I’m worried and a little angry, too.”
“I understand. . . .” murmured Carolina.
Jordana knew indeed they were more than mere words, for her mother had experienced the same things at one time, the same dreams and hunger for adventure as Jordana now knew.
“I guess besides missing what Brenton and I had before, I am also going to miss his presence, which gave me the freedom to do many things that would have been forbidden me had I been alone.” Pausing, she shook her head. “That really does sound selfish, but . . . it is true. Do you know, Mama, that we were attacked by Indians while traveling on the prairie with a survey party? How many single women could have gone on such a trip? It was frightening and thrilling all at once. My horse spooked during the attack and took me on a wild run.”
“What an ordeal!” Carolina exclaimed.
“Captain O’Brian had to rescue me,” Jordana went on, “and he got in a fight with one of the Indians and I had to shoot the Indian to save Rich. Oh, Mama, it was horrible.”
“It makes me appreciate more than ever that you are safe and sound,” Carolina remarked earnestly, then added, “Captain O’Brian? Rich?” Carolina arched her brow inquisitively.
Heat flared up Jordana’s cheeks. “Mama!”
“This was just some old army officer, then, of no particular consequence?” The irony in Carolina’s tone was hard to discount.
“Not old,” Jordana admitted. “Young, in fact, and rather handsome. But I have no interest whatsoever in him. He is an arrogant, insufferable sort. Just because he has rescued me on several occasions, he thinks he can boss me around.”
“Lord save the man who thinks that!” laughed Carolina.
Jordana tried to look quite affronted, and it almost worked, until a small smile intruded upon her lips. Then a grin followed. “I suppose I might be a bit insufferable myself at times.”
“But this Captain O’Brian does seem to keep on rescuing you, it appears.”
“Well, I rescued him last time.”
“Good, that should keep him in his place,” quipped Carolina.
“He’s really not all bad.” Jordana smiled as she thought of some of those encounters with Rich O’Brian. He did have a way about him.
Mother and daughter fell silent for a few moments, then Carolina said, “We ought to be getting inside before we catch our deaths. But before we go, I was thinking about something you said earlier about being alone.”
“Yes, Mama . . . ?”
“I have a feeling that even though Brenton is getting married, he will still miss you as much as you will miss him. Of course, it may not be as intense because he’ll have Caitlan, but . . .” Carolina tapped her finger against her lips thoughtfully. “I gather from talking to Brenton this afternoon that he still holds to his dream of photographing the country.”
“It is his and Caitlan’s dream.”
“Yes, and they both look forward to traveling all over fulfilling that dream. Not at all unlike the three of you have already been doing.”
“But, Mama . . .” Jordana said warily, “there is one difference—they will be married now.”
Carolina tittered lightly. “Married, Jordana, not fallen off the face of the earth. It may well be they would welcome your company on these adventures.”
“I couldn’t! I’d feel out of place.”
“You were and are both Brenton’s and Caitlan’s best friend. I don’t think it will be so easy for them to part from you. Of course they will want a time of adjustment alone, but I should think they would welcome the company of their best friend. You don’t have to be tied to their hips, yet neither do you have to be cut off from them completely. It is something to think about, and to talk to them about.”
“I wouldn’t want them to pity me.”
“Jordana, you are the last person anyone would pity. Just give it some thought. Who knows what God has in store for you?”
“He hasn’t let me down yet.”
“And He won’t, Jordana. Whatever His plan for you, I am certain it will be something that will keep you sufficiently stimulated.”
Jordana smiled. She hoped that wasn’t expecting too much of God, but then she remembered He had promised, “Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”
40
Jordana had not been the only one out of sorts that evening. Kiernan had been both anticipating and dreading the arrival of his in-laws. After hearing of their intent to visit California, he hadn’t expected a written response to his letter of confession. In a way, he would rather have had it in writing than face-to-face. He comforted himself with the fact that they had been not only cordial with him thus far, but actually very warm.
Now that they were here he hoped the matter would be settled very soon. It was excruciating to wait and wonder.
But he didn’t know how to broach the subject and wasn’t certain if he should do it or let them choose the place and time. It made Kiernan most uncomfortable.
Especially as the evening progressed, and James, after his wife and Jordana had returned from some mother-daughter tête-à-tête on the porch, made a special presentation to his son.
“Brenton, as you know, you have reached your majority, and because your mother and I have been wise in our investments, we find ourselves able to provide each of our children with a monetary inheritance.” Pausing, he took an envelope from his coat pocket. “I’d like to present yours to you now.” He handed the envelope to his son.
Brenton opened it, his eyes wide. “This is far more than I expected,” he breathed, leaning over to show the check to his fiancée, whose eyes sprang open even wider than Brenton’s.
“It was invested wisely over the years and has nearly doubled,” said James.
Kiernan cringed at this statement, though it was in no way directed at him and was spoken in the most matter-of-fact manner. Nevertheless, he wanted to crawl under the threadbare carpet beneath his feet. This feeling wasn’t helped when the conversation turned, quite naturally, to the railroad, and all he had to report were failures and roadblocks.
Victoria, bless her heart, was quick to sing her husband’s praises. “Before his accident, Kiernan was Charles Crocker’s right-hand man. And Mr. Crocker intends to take Kiernan back on as soon as work begins again. He will probably be one of the main supervisors when the construction moves east.”
“I’ve heard the Supreme Court has upheld the government’s pledge to honor the Central Pacific’s contracts. So it shouldn’t be long now,” said Carolina.
“It won’t be soon enough for me,” said Kiernan, beginning to feel some of the angst he had felt during his recovery from his accident.
The conversation continued, but Kiernan was distracted. He poked at the fire in the hearth, then, seizing on the excuse of needing more wood, escaped from the parlor and made his way to the kitchen and out the back door to the woodpile. He was gathering up an armload when James stepped outside.