Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  “That’s mean, considering what you’ve been through.”

  I avoided agreeing, not wanting to say anything bad about Hunter. “So, why are you in ’ere crying?”

  “I don’t want to go to class.”

  “I don’t either, but I ain’t crying over it.”

  “I can’t help it.”

  “I thought you liked school.”

  “I don’t like school!” Llewellyn snapped, taking me by surprise, even more so since I couldn’t remember the boy ever raising his voice. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s not you I’m angry with.”

  “No worries, my brain wuzn’t working,” I said, guessing Ant must’ve been causing him trouble again. “Is Ant still bullying you?” I asked, having thought he’d stopped a while back, ever since the big fight with Marko.

  “Can we not talk about him?” Llewellyn asked.

  “Guess so.” I screwed up my face as the bell for homeroom rang, knowing I had to bite the bullet and get to class. I picked up my bag and headed out of the toilet stall, stopping in front of Llewellyn’s one. “You coming?”

  “No.”

  “You can’t stay in there all day.”

  “It’s better than going to class.”

  “I don’t wanna go either, but we hafta.”

  He didn’t reply.

  “Llewellyn, hurry the fuck up. I need someone to walk into class with.”

  “Why?”

  “So, I don’t hafta sit with my mates.”

  “Why don’t you want to sit with them?”

  “I just don’t, all right, so get your butt out ’ere now and come with me.”

  The toilet door opened, revealing the splotchy faced redheaded kid. His hair had grown back a little, not as short as it had been a couple of months ago, when he’d come to school with it hacked short. I’d always wondered why he’d done it, but wasn’t about to stick my nose into his business.

  Despite his tears, Llewellyn smiled at me, like he always did when I looked at him. I now wondered whether walking into homeroom with him was such a good idea after all, because I didn’t want people thinking I was gay.

  “Stop smiling at me,” I said gruffly, instantly regretting it when Llewellyn’s face dropped. “Christ, don’t start crying again, I’m just in a shit mood, it’s not your fault.”

  Llewellyn wiped his face and nodded. “It’s all right, I understand.”

  “No, you don’t,” I snapped, again regretting it. “Fuck, I can’t speak without ballsing up. It’s just... I don’t like people sayin’ that they understand when they don’t know what my stepdad did, how he—” I stopped, realising I’d almost let slip too much.

  “I feel the same way when people say I shouldn’t be crying,” Llewellyn replied, obviously getting at what I’d said earlier. “No one knows what I’ve been through, so they should keep their mouths shut!”

  I blinked at him, surprised by his outburst. No one spoke to me like that. They only looked at me with sympathy, since they all knew that my stepdad was responsible for putting me in hospital. They just didn’t realise it was due to the roofie he’d slipped into my beer, the drug making me ill for days afterwards.

  Llewellyn’s expression quickly turned scared, like he expected me to punch him for shouting. It was almost as if he was resigned to it, just standing there, waiting to be smacked over. It made me wonder why he was like that. Did he have an abusive father, like me? I quickly dismissed the thought, remembering hearing about Llewellyn’s dad being dead. Maybe he was like this because of Ant’s bullying, Llewellyn becoming accustomed to being hurt. Get the pain over with, then move on. I could understand that to a point. I’d been a bit like that with my father, letting him get away with shit until he’d attacked my mum.

  But he’d never attacked her as bad as what my stepdad had done. Dante’s screams entered my head unwelcomed, the screams accompanying images of Chaz stabbing my mum in the chest. I quickly went for the door, needing to get to my homeroom before more images flooded my head.

  Llewellyn ran after me, apologising, saying he didn’t mean that I should keep my mouth shut. “I meant everyone else,” he continued. “Because you can say whatever you like to me.”

  I ignored him and continued down the empty corridor towards our homeroom. I stopped outside the door and looked through the glass window. My mates were in the far corner in their usual spot, my chair surprisingly taken by Marko, who usually sat by Ant. Instead, Jenna was sitting next to Ant, talking to him like they were best buds. I angled my head to see if there were any free seats, only finding one by Tiana’s best friend, someone I also didn’t want to sit next to after she’d dropped my bro, who she’d been secretly dating. Both me and Tiana were pissed with her, because she’d left Dante devastated. Lavinia had told Tiana that she had to drop Dante because her mother was upset with her for seeing someone too young, but Dante didn’t understand that. All he knew was that he loved her.

  Hoping that Llewellyn’s chair was free, I pushed the door open and headed for it, relieved to find two unoccupied desks. Everyone went quiet and looked my way like I was the missing link. I gritted my teeth and continued walking, with Llewellyn following close behind. We sat down next to each other. I glanced over at my mates to see if they were looking, and instantly regretted it. Ant was wearing a vicious expression, my gut telling me that he wanted to rip me apart. Yeah, I knew he couldn’t stand Llewellyn, but his reaction was over the top. For fuck’s sake, I was just sitting next to the guy.

  “Come sit with us, Ash!” Joel called out, capturing my attention. He leaned over his desk and shoved Jenna’s back. “Move!”

  Jenna swore at him, along with Ant, both of them telling him to piss off.

  I turned to face the door as it opened, the school counsellor walking through it. The dumpy woman came to a halt behind the teacher’s desk, her gaze assessing the class. It came to a stop on me, a smile pulling at her lips. “Welcome back, Ashley, it’s good to have you here.”

  I nodded, although it didn’t feel good at all. In fact, it felt like I should’ve stayed in the toilet, because it was even shittier in here.

  The counsellor, or maybe she was our teacher now since I’d heard our Maths teacher had been fired, started calling out names. Once done, she sat down behind her desk, waiting for the bell for our first class to start. As soon as it rang, I shot up and grabbed Llewellyn, who yelped in surprise. I pulled the small guy along with me, hoping the kid could act as a barrier so I didn’t have to speak to my mates. We headed out of the classroom, with me practically dragging the boy down the corridor, swerving and weaving through the crush of kids coming out of other classrooms.

  “I need to go to my locker to get my Shakespeare book,” Llewellyn said, as we left the building.

  “It’s the first day back; we might not even have Shakespeare.”

  “We do, we were told last term.”

  “Then you can share my one, it’s still in my bag,” I lied, tugging him across the English quad.

  “Does that mean you’re sitting next to me again?”

  “Obviously.”

  I ignored his smile and yanked him into the English block, where I finally let go of his arm. Someone yelled out my name as I pushed open the English classroom door to let Llewellyn through. I glanced down the corridor. Ant was running towards me with Joel and Marko following close behind, their expressions worried, well, not Ant’s. That prick looked like he wanted to punch me in the face, which I had no fucking clue why.

  I quickly entered the classroom and headed for the back where I sat down next to Llewellyn, who looked scared, but still had a smile for me. He was definitely a weird kid, but I’d much rather sit next to him than Ant.

  The door burst open, and Ant entered, the guy’s face ugly with anger. “Why the fuck are you holding hands with that poof?” he said, storming towards me.

  “I wuzn’t holding his hand, you retard, I wuz holding his arm.”

  “Same diff, poof.”

  I pu
shed to my feet. “I ain’t a poof, so fuck off!”

  “Not until you tell me why you’re with sissy boy here?”

  “Cos I don’t wanna sit near you.”

  That seemed to take Ant by surprise, quietening him for a moment. His gaze moved to Llewellyn, who seemed to shrink in size, which was pretty tiny to start with.

  “What the fuck did I do wrong?” Ant finally said.

  “You were born,” I replied, then jerked back as Ant went for me.

  Joel and Marko grabbed Ant from behind before he could touch me. Marko slung an arm around Ant’s neck and forced him back. Ant yelled at Marko to let him go, then went quiet as students began to pile into the room, their curious gazes landing on our group.

  “I’ll only let go when you promise not to touch Ash,” Marko growled at Ant.

  Ant grunted an “Okay”, then a “Now lemme go.” But he didn’t look happy with the concession, because his neck muscles were taut, the veins protruding like he was juicing to let rip with a punch. I understood Ant couldn’t handle being challenged, and knew he would’ve hit me regardless for the insult, but I didn’t understand why he’d gotten so worked up in the first place. Yeah, he disliked Llewellyn, but it still didn’t explain his over the top reaction.

  I glanced at Llewellyn, who was still staring at Ant in terror. I refocused on Ant and smiled, even though I was pissed off that he was being a complete arse-hat. But the smile wasn’t a friendly ‘Everything’s cool, dude’, it was more like a ‘Fuck you, arsehole, you can’t touch me. You know it, I know it, and I’m rubbing it in your ugly-arse face’.

  Glaring at me, Ant shook Marko and Joel off, then headed for his seat on the opposite side of the room. He sat down in his chair with a loud thud, like he wanted to pick it up and throw it at me. Marko followed, though Joel stayed. I sat back down, wishing he would go away too, but instead he placed his hands on my desk.

  “What’re you doin’, Ash?” he asked, his dreadlocks falling in front of his face.

  I dropped my gaze, not feeling so sure of myself now. Joel was a cousin as well as my best mate, the person I spent the most time with—until that night.

  “Not gonna tell me?” Joel said.

  I shook my head.

  “Look, just come sit next to me and ignore Ant, everyone knows he’s a cock-sucker.”

  Llewellyn snorted out a laugh, making both me and Joel look at him. He quickly covered his face with his hands, which were shaking badly. Joel shook his head and sneered at him, like being near Llewellyn was causing him pain.

  Joel refocused on me. “It’s me you’re really avoiding, isn’t it?”

  I shrugged, unable to voice why I didn’t want to sit with him without losing my cool and hurting his feelings, although I knew I was already doing the last one, just could do nothing about it.

  “You shouldn’t avoid me, I’m your best mate.” He lowered his voice. “And if you’re doin’ it cos I know what your stepdad did, don’t, that wuzn’t your fault.”

  “Shut up!” I snapped, not wanting to talk about it. “You have no right to know anything ’bout what happened to me.” I jabbed a finger at Joel, making him back up a step.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “But I can’t forget what I wuz told.”

  “Well, until you do, you can fuck off,” I spat, knowing I was being a right cunt, but unable to stop it.

  Joel looked like I’d slapped him, his expression hurting me, but I forced myself not to apologise, because I didn’t want to speak to him. I just wanted him to go away, and maybe this would finally make him stop bugging me, because I was sick of him turning up at my house and constantly phoning me, all of which I ignored.

  Looking stricken, he walked to his desk with his head hanging low. He sat down behind Ant, who was still glaring at me. I turned to look at the door, relieved when the teacher walked through it. The man was smiling like it was the best day ever, totally unaware of the argument that had happened only seconds ago.

  I rummaged through my bag for a pen, surprised when I found the Shakespeare book, because I hadn’t put it in there. No doubt Tiana had gotten things ready for me, my girl the best. I placed the book on Llewellyn’s desk. He took it, his hands still shaking. He was probably scared of Ant retaliating against him, which made me feel even shittier, because this was my fault, not his.

  “What are you doin’ at lunch?” I asked, getting a surprised look from Llewellyn.

  “I was going to sit behind that abandoned warehouse. No one bothers me there.”

  I nodded, knowing the one. I’d seen him sitting there a couple of times, plus it was the same building that I’d sat at after a senior had called me a fag in front of everyone because I had turned her nasty ho arse down.

  “I’ll come with you,” I said.

  Llewellyn’s eyes widened. “Really?”

  “Yeah, I don’t wanna talk to my mates, plus if I go near Ant I’m likely to smash his ugly mug in.”

  Llewellyn nodded. “Cool.” His face went splotchy. “No, I didn’t mean it’s cool that you want to smash Ant’s face in, although it is, but what I meant was that it’s cool we can have a lunch date.” His face dropped. “I didn’t mean it like that, I know you’re not gay, I meant that it’s cool that I can talk to someone. I don’t have any friends.”

  “Why don’t you have friends?”

  “Because when I started here, Ant told everyone I wanked off next to him in the toilets.”

  “That wuz your own fault. I saw you with your pants down.”

  “I wasn’t wanking.”

  “Well, he obviously didn’t know that.”

  “He knew.”

  “What do you mean by that.”

  Llewellyn grimaced. “I can’t say.”

  “Why not?”

  “I just can’t, okay. Why are you bugging me over it? I’m the one who got punched, and ever since then, everyone except for that creep avoids me, even the gay guys, because they’re probably afraid he’d pick on them too.”

  “He would. He’s such a prick. If he goes near you, tell me and I’ll sort him out,” I said, sick of big bastards hurting smaller people.

  “Really?” Llewellyn asked, his face full of hope.

  “Yeah.” I smiled, liking that someone was looking at me as though I could protect them instead of the other way around. He was also the only person who spoke to me like I was a normal, regular kid, not some victim who needed to be tiptoed around.

  I patted his back. “I’m your new best friend,” I added, not knowing where that came from, or why I was saying this to a gay kid who couldn’t wank in the right place, because I didn’t believe him about Ant, Llewellyn clearly hiding something.

  He sat up straight, his smile so broad I thought his face was going to split in two. It made me smile in return, the guy kind of adorable.

  The teacher’s voice cut through the moment, telling us to stop talking. Llewellyn apologised, while I nodded, Mr. Ogilvy adding in an apologetic tone: “It’s good to see you back, Ash.”

  Wish it was good to be back, but it ain’t.

  I kept my thoughts to myself and gave him another nod, then glanced over at my friends, wondering whether they thought it was good that I was back. Marko and Joel looked like they did, but Ant’s expression told me hell needed to be paid and I was in deep debt.

  13

  JENNA

  I walked into English class late, mainly because one of my best friends had thrown a spaz over me having sat next to Ant in homeroom. I had to calm Rhoda down, reassuring the jealous bitch that I wasn’t dumping her for homo boy. I didn’t actually say that to her: that Ant was a homo, no way, because I would never out him. He was a friend now, plus I owed him for giving me a place to stay at after I’d run away. I was back at home now, but I was still grateful he’d helped me.

  Anyway, I’d discovered that Ant was gay after I’d found some photos of Llewellyn hidden in his bedroom. I wasn’t snooping, I accidentally came across them. And they were nude ones. Of
course I didn’t let Ant know about what I saw, had stuffed those photos back so fast it wasn’t funny. Still, I would’ve loved to have asked him about why he picked on Llewellyn if he had the hots for him. Maybe Ginger had dumped Ant. Either way, I decided not to ask, because if he wanted me to know, he would’ve told me. Plus, I didn’t want to risk pissing him off, since I liked being friends with him.

  Ignoring the teacher’s whining over my “tardiness”, I walked in between the desks with Rhoda, heading for the seat next to Ant. I had come to an agreement with Rhoda that if I helped her get Marko, someone she’d been crushing on since the beginning of time, she wouldn’t give me any more issues when I wanted to sit with Ant. Unfortunately, Joel was sitting next to Marko again, which I knew was going to piss Rhoda off. But there was no way I could push Joel out of the seat, especially since he was a complete shithead who would totally hit me if I got on his nerves. So, I stopped behind the girl who was sitting across the aisle from Marko and bent down to whisper in her ear, “Move now if you don’t want a black-eye.” The girl grabbed her bag and shifted without a word, my rep giving Rhoda her seat. Rhoda sat down with a smile and looked across at Marko, who was writing in his exercise book, totally oblivious to Rhoda’s attention, which was nothing new. The boy was clueless when it came to girls, though I could see why Rhoda liked him so much. Not only was he the only guy in the class who I would’ve called a gentleman, he was really good-looking. If Ash hadn’t been in the class, I probably would’ve gotten a crush on him too, because he was definitely boyfriend material.

  I nudged Ant, getting him to shift over so I could take his seat, then glanced over at Ash, who was seated in the far corner with Ginger. I was curious as to why Ash was sitting with him, though it wasn’t why I was looking. I loved looking at Ash, his face so addictive.

  I ran a hand over my own face, knowing I was torturing myself. He wasn’t interested in me anymore. He was only interested in Tiana, someone who deserved him more than I did, because she would never have caused a girl to get run over. Although I hadn’t intended on Kelley getting hit by that van, I had been chasing her at the time, so enraged that she’d been with Ash at his place. Unfortunately, I got things wrong, thought Ash was seeing Kelley, but they were just friends. I made a mental note to visit Kelley in the hospital later today, hoping this time she’d talk to me.