by Kim Cano
“All my life, I mean, up until I got pregnant. After my son was born, I didn’t have any time.”
Jess’ jaw dropped. Abigail had a kid! How had she managed to keep that a secret for so long? When Jess had pressed she managed to get a whole lot more than she bargained for.
And when it came to Abigail, Jess wanted to know everything.
Chapter 15
Sitting in her office studying her notes, Megan looked up when she saw Lakeisha standing in the doorway holding Tupperware. “Oh, my God. More home-cooked food? You’re just spoiling me now. I’m better, honest.”
“No one’s spoiling you, just taking care of you is all.”
Megan smirked. “Who knew wardens and corrections officers could be so nurturing?”
“Hmm… You got a diagnosis for that?” Lakeisha teased.
“How about Awesome Syndrome?”
They both laughed while they dug into their food. It felt nice to take a break. Both their jobs, although very different, could be overwhelming at times.
Megan stared distractedly at a faded floor tile, then found her voice. “Is Tanya still in solitary?”
“Yeah. Warden Laura thinks it’s for the best.”
Megan worried about Tanya. She wanted to talk to her again but wouldn’t challenge Laura’s new rules. “You were right about Laura,” she said. “She’s got a soft side. I was in shock when she offered to help me, and I was treated like gold last weekend. I never would’ve made it on my own, and it saved me from having to tell my parents.”
Lakeisha smiled. “I’m glad she was able to help. Things will be fine. You’ll see. You just gotta take precautions is all. Some of these bitches are just too dang crazy.”
Megan burst into laughter. Lakeisha slapped her knee and giggled along with her.
“In all seriousness though, a few of them are,” Megan said. “Learned that the hard way.”
“Don’t we all.”
*****
Back to the grind, Lakeisha trudged through the mail and came upon a letter to Kristen from Lupe.
Good ole Lupe, she thought. She was one in a million.
Lakeisha opened the envelope and found a short note and photo inside. She pulled the picture out and nodded in approval. “Don’t she know how to do it,” she said to herself.
The photo was of Lupe and her incredibly hot boyfriend, Julio. The two of them stood hand in hand. He wore a suit and she wore a body-hugging white wedding gown. The sign behind them said Las Vegas.
Kristen,
Hey, girl. I’m a married woman now. Can you believe it? Only the best for Lupe. You see how fine my man looks. His uncle has a restaurant out here and wants us to stick around and help him with it. I thought, why not? No real jobs at home. None that I could get, at least with a record. Julio’s uncle is legit, mostly. And it’s different here. You know what they say. What happens in Vegas.
I hope you’re hanging in there. Keep your chin up, okay? You’re a survivor.
Lupe.
Lakeisha checked the seams and, as expected, found no contraband. It was just formality. She wished Lupe good luck, a long life and happy marriage, and most of all, that she stay out of trouble. Then she put the letter and picture back in the envelope and set it aside for Kristen.
Of all the women’s stories she followed, Kristen’s interested Lakeisha most. She didn’t know why. Kristen wasn’t magnanimous like Lupe. She hadn’t committed any extraordinarily violent crime like Tanya. There wasn’t any one thing that Lakeisha could find to explain why she was drawn to her situation more than the others. She just was. It would be a miracle if she could survive the sentence, she thought. She wasn’t sure she would have the strength to do so herself.
*****
Kristen read Lupe’s letter and smiled. She was so happy for her. Lupe would make a great wife, she thought, and could picture her in Vegas. The town was larger than life, just like her.
“Good news? I see you grinning,” Debbie said.
“Yeah. It’s from Lupe. She got married and moved to Vegas. Here’s the picture,” Kristen said, handing it to her.
“What a good looking pair. This is the funny one, right? With the stories?”
“Yeah. The woman is one hysterical adventure after the next.”
Debbie sighed. “I want to be young, attractive, and funny. My life has been an adventure but not quite the same.”
Kristen could relate. She would love to be young again, knowing what she knew now. “Don’t worry, Deb. When you get out, you’re going to have a second chance. Any man would be lucky to have you. Just got to find the right one.”
“I’ll take one like him, please,” she teased. “Meow!”
Kristen and Debbie broke into a fit of giggles. It felt good to laugh over something for a change. It took the edge off things like seeing a corrections officer fling a woman through the air like a rag doll and slam her body to the ground. It happened from time to time, until an inmate learned to respect prison rules, but it was still difficult to watch.
One morning at breakfast, something even more disturbing took place.
“Did you hear?” Debbie asked Kristen as they ate.
“No. What’s up?” Kristen replied. Debbie seemed tense which in turn made Kristen uneasy.
Debbie leaned in and whispered. “Someone murdered Tanya after she got out of solitary. Shanked her in the shower with a sharpened toothbrush and left her to die.”
Horrified but not surprised, Kristen asked, “Who did it?”
“No one knows. Gossip is the guard on duty stepped away and didn’t see anything.”
Kristen and Debbie exchanged a knowing look. That was bullshit. And nothing would come of it. An investigation would take place, no one would talk, and the world would be less one sick psychopath.
All was well that ended well.
*****
Christmas came and brought a tiny ounce of cheer. Kristen’s mom, who still hadn’t come to visit, deposited some money in her commissary account so she could buy a few things. Olivia had sent her a couple books, and her older son, Ryan, who usually never wrote, sent her a card with a note inside.
Tears of joy welled up in Kristen’s eyes as she looked at the envelope. The red square was like a beacon of hope. She opened it and read the card. It was simple, not mushy, and then read the note.
Mom,
I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I filled out the paperwork to come and visit. I guess I have to wait and see if I’m approved. I asked Dad to come along, but he said he didn’t want to. I’m not mad at him, just would’ve been nice to have someone to be there with me. It’s hard for him. He moves forward and then he gets set back. I think seeing you again would ruin the progress he’s made. He says he doesn’t want to have a life with you, so what’s the point in visiting. He did promise to help you when you get out, because you were his wife once, and you’re our mom, but until then I don’t think he wants to see you.
Anyway, my girlfriend and I are getting pretty serious. I think she’s the one. Dad says to give it time. Don’t rush things like he did. I think you’d like her. Actually, she was the one who suggested I write you finally. She said I was angry and depressed, and she couldn’t stay with a person like that. She said I needed to fix things with you. Can you imagine such a young girl knowing all that? Like I said, she’s a keeper.
Merry Christmas, Mom. I love you.
Ryan
Tears streamed down Kristen’s face. She’d hoped and prayed for this moment and here it was. Her son was talking to her again and might even visit soon. And there was a girl. From the sounds of it, a wise one. Kristen could only wonder what it was like to see her oldest son in love.
She’d seen his first steps, heard the first words that came out of his mouth. She’d taught him how to swim and how to tie his shoes. And now this.
“You okay, honey?” Debbie asked, reaching out to rub her shoulder.
Unable to speak because she was crying so hard, all Kristen c
ould get out was a “yep” between tears.
She cried because her child was in love and she was missing it. She cried because he was happy, and she was happy for him. She cried because she might finally see him soon—her baby—and she cried because her husband had said she was his wife once. Past tense.
It was final, she realized. Their marriage was over. All that was missing was the divorce papers. She knew a manila envelope would arrive one day, and just like that, her future would be over.
She had no one to blame but herself.
Debbie sat opposite her, looking unsure what to say. She wore a compassionate expression that soothed Kristen a little, and for a fleeting moment Kristen felt like she could be her mom.
As she gazed at Debbie, she thought of all she’d been through. The controlling, manipulative spouse, the beatings. Thinking of it made her cry harder because she’d never endured any of that. She had a nice life, with a good husband and well-behaved kids.
“Honey, you have to pull it together. They’ll be coming by for the count soon, and you don’t want to miss the movie tonight.”
The movie was The Holiday, a chick flick featuring Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. It was one Kristen really liked. This was the prison version of Christmas, and although it wasn’t much, when you had nothing, it felt like an incredible gift.
No, Kristen thought. She didn’t want to miss it.
She stood up and wiped her eyes, then reached for the nearby roll of toilet paper to blow her nose. Afterward, she began breathing deeply, trying to get it together.
Things will work out, she told herself.
Later, as Kristen’s group huddled together in the rec room and watched the film, she felt outside herself. While she gazed at the screen, her mind hovered over the gathering, observing it, like a soul whose owner had just died, taking one last look before departing this earth.
Chapter 16
Jess munched on a candy bar she’d gotten with her commissary money. She wasn’t a big sweets person, but every now and then, she’d indulge. Abigail had gotten her into the habit, being a chocoholic herself. And it was Christmas.
“I really liked the movie,” Abigail said to Jess. “What did you think?”
“It was decent. Can’t complain.”
Jess had already told her what kind of movies she liked. Her favorite was the Jason Bourne series. She tolerated chick flicks.
“How about those houses, huh? I can’t decide if I prefer the English cottage or the modern Los Angeles home,” Abigail said.
“They both were great. But that’s the thing about movies. Everyone looks perfect, they live in amazing places. Not like real life.”
“I guess you’re right,” Abigail agreed.
Jess had always been self-conscious about her looks, mainly her teeth, wishing she had more money and could have gotten braces. Jess bet Abigail didn’t suffer from those kinds of problems. She was stunning and most likely had a beautiful home. Maybe that’s why she could relate to the movie.
Jess noticed Abigail had that faraway look again.
“What are you thinking about?” Jess asked.
“Sad stuff. Again. Not something you’d want to hear.”
“I don’t mind. Spill it,” Jess said.
Abigail gave Jess the “you asked for it” face, then replied, “I was thinking about a Christmas when Steve and I went to Taos, New Mexico. We stayed at this hotel, I can’t remember the name of it for the life of me, but it had rocking chairs on the porch. There was a group of women clustered together knitting, with hot ciders resting nearby on a table.” Abigail’s face lit up at the memory. “It was so peaceful there. I could have stayed on that porch forever.”
Jess looked confused. “That doesn’t sound sad,” she said.
Abigail’s smile faded. It was replaced with a look of melancholy. “You’re right. I guess it isn’t. Except I was thinking he’s probably there with his new wife instead.”
Jess realized her blunder, that she’d been insensitive. “You still miss him, don’t you?”
Sitting down now, looking weary, Abigail said, “Yes. I miss the way things were before.”
Jess felt sad that Abigail was hurting. “I’m sorry.”
Abigail reached over and threw her arms around Jess, taking her completely by surprise. An innocent gesture, just a hug for comfort, but it was like Santa Claus and all his reindeer had showed up granting holiday wishes.
Jess wrapped her arms around Abigail and squeezed her tiny body tight. “It’s going to be okay,” she said in a low, soothing tone, now hyper-aware of everything: the way Abigail felt against her, the way she smelled, the sound of her breath, all combining into one complete perfect moment.
Abigail pulled away. “Thanks,” she said, looking somewhat better. “Sometimes a hug from a friend helps.”
“No problem,” Jess replied, feeling dizzy. She made a mental note to remember to act like a friend more often. She had spent the majority of her time going out of her way to make sure she didn’t make Abigail uncomfortable, so much so that she missed out on opportunities like this one.
“How about your son? Maybe talking about him will cheer you up.”
It hadn’t before, and the truth was Abigail hardly spoke of him. Any mention seemed to end in a change of conversation. She was probably too sad to discuss the boy, Jess thought. And now, after bringing it up again, she realized maybe it wasn’t a good time, even if she was curious to the point she couldn’t stand it.
Something in Abigail changed, but Jess couldn’t place it. “Devin loved Christmas,” she said. “When he was young, it was so nice.”
Abigail got up from the bunk and stretched from side to side, Jess’ eyes following her, still reeling from the hug but wanting to hear more about her son.
“I’ll bet he got a ton of toys,” Jess said.
Turning back to face her, Abigail replied, “Yeah. He did. And he’d find one he liked and play with that one exclusively, until it was worn out, ignoring the others.”
“My parents should be so lucky,” Jess joked. “When I was a child, I’d play with all my toys and destroy them all in a matter of weeks. Nothing was sacred. I was a real brat.”
Abigail seemed to brighten at the comment. “You must have done something right. Your mom still comes to visit all the time.”
“Well, you know. She’s my mom,” Jess shrugged.
“She’s a good one,” Abigail said, her lip quivering, looking like she was on the verge of tears all of a sudden.
“I’ll bet you were a good mom too,” Jess said, her earnest smile full of kindness.
Abigail’s expression was odd, almost like she’d been told she had blue hair. “I tried,” she mumbled.
Feeling confused, Jess added, “You’ll see him again one day. Maybe your ex-husband won’t bring him, but eventually he’ll come. You’ll see.”
All the color drained from Abigail’s face, and she looked faint. She seemed to waver in place where she stood.
“No. I won’t.”
*****
Debbie was gossiping about another inmate, someone she didn’t like. Kristen listened, but her mind was elsewhere. All she could think of was what Ryan had said in his note.
“You mind if I offer you some advice?” Debbie asked.
“Sure,” Kristen said, surprised by the sudden attention. She sat up to listen.
“Here’s what I think. You’ve got a long time here. What do you have, nine years left?”
Kristen frowned. “Yeah.”
“There’s no sense agonizing over the past. You had a marriage and now it’s over, even if there aren’t divorce papers yet. There’s been no contact. Your son told you what your husband said. And as sad as it is, maybe it’s a good idea to forget him. You may leave here and meet someone amazing, someone even better for you. You never know. The future is unpredictable.”
Kristen listened, all the while visualizing herself standing inside a clear bubble. The words sounded muffled as they
came out of Debbie’s mouth. Kristen stood inside the enclosure, protected from intentions that were not her own. She didn’t want to consider her ideas.
When Debbie finished and it was Kristen’s turn to reply, the bubble soundlessly popped. “You might be right,” was all she said back.
That evening, Debbie lay in her bunk snoring, a habit that Kristen had grown accustomed to but hated. She thought of Ryan. She couldn’t wait to see him again. Maybe when Toby turned eighteen, he would come and visit her too. Then, as she drifted off, she mentally repeated her nightly mantra. “My family and I will be reunited and we will be happy again. My family and I will be reunited and we will be happy again…”
She had been reciting the line for so many years now it turned on by itself when her head hit the pillow. The rhythm of the phrase was like a lullaby, calming and peaceful, like a trickling fountain. Kristen planned to keep thinking positive and visualizing what she hoped would happen, however impossible it seemed.
*****
Lakeisha’s due date was fast approaching. And she was thankful, because it was becoming increasingly difficult to sit at her desk. She’d made it through the holiday mail rush and was thoroughly exhausted.
Megan swung past her. “You getting excited yet? I’ll bet you can’t wait.”
“I can’t wait. I think a few of my co-workers can’t wait too.”
Raising an eyebrow, Megan said, “And that means?”
“Means I may have snapped once or twice in the last month on a few of them. Luckily, they’ve been gracious enough to walk away. They could’ve told me off.”
Lakeisha felt terrible that she’d lost her cool, but the power of hormones was too much for her to handle. She was usually very nice, so she hoped they’d let her rare snippiness slide.
“They’ll get over it,” Megan said. “So do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”
“Nope. We decided we didn’t want to know. We chose two different names in case, and hubby painted the bedroom a pale yellow.”