by Kim Cano
It didn’t seem like much when watching an episode on TV, Kristen thought, but in the real world she was sure it was disquieting.
Ryan and Toby seemed at a loss for something to say.
“So how’ve you been?” Ryan finally asked her.
The words he spoke sounded off, like a wrong note had been struck while playing the piano.
Kristen pretended not to notice. “I’m doing okay. Much better now that you two are here.”
Her response seemed to comfort them. The tense expressions on their faces relaxed. Olivia had told her they worried endlessly about her, wondering what her life was really like. They’d watched a bunch of episodes of Lockdown together, ignoring their father’s request not to, and were well aware of the harsh reality of prison life.
“So tell me all about your girlfriend,” Kristen said to Ryan. She took a bite of her hamburger, the first beef she’d eaten in half a decade, choosing to avoid the mystery meat they served in the cafeteria.
Ryan lit up at the mention of his significant other. Toby seemed happy to not have the spotlight directed at him.
“She’s awesome,” Ryan cooed. “Treats me nice, doesn’t nag. And she’s beautiful. Like I said before, I think she might be the one.”
Kristen took a swig of her Coke and smiled. “She sounds wonderful, honey. And since you sent pictures, I know she is beautiful too.”
Turning her attention to Toby, she asked, “How about you? Any girlfriend yet?”
“Nah. No time. Gotta practice the guitar and write songs.”
“Once he’s famous, he’ll have all the chicks,” Ryan teased him.
Toby opened a lemon Starburst and popped it into his mouth, then shrugged. He looked like he couldn’t care less. Kristen smiled, remembering what Olivia had said about all the young ladies constantly blowing up his phone with texts to “hang out.”
“How is the band going?” she asked Toby.
“Good. We might have a big show soon. Still waiting to hear. Dad’s friend knows people since he was in that band before.”
Must be a new buddy, she thought, as they’d never had a guy in their circle of friends who’d been in a band.
“How lucky that Dad has a musical connection now. That’s almost meant to be, like fate helping you,” Kristen said.
“It’s Cindy’s friend actually, not Dad’s.”
“Cindy?”
“Dad’s girlfr—”
Ryan elbowed Toby a second after it slipped out, then glared at him, but it was too late. His face sank in response to the blunder.
The words were like a punch in the gut to Kristen.
“This hamburger is pretty good,” she said, ignoring her youngest son’s slip up and taking another bite.
Toby took a bite of his hot dog. He looked upset with himself. Kristen led the conversation though, and they continued chatting about mundane things. She tried to ignore the fact that their time was coming to an end soon.
When they’d eaten the last of the candy, Ryan stood. “Mom. Check that out,” he said, while pointing to a wall that had a mural of a colorful rainbow painted on it. “It looks like we can get our pictures taken there. You wanna do it?”
Kristen beamed and stood up. “Yes,” she said. “I do.”
The three of them headed to where the mural was and the photographer stepped up.
“Two dollars per Polaroid,” she said, and with that Ryan reached in his pocket and gave her six dollars, enough so they could each have a photo of their own.
Both boys looked at the Polaroid camera. It was from before their time, Kristen mused. But in prison, it was considered the latest technology.
The photographer got situated in front of them as they prepared for their shot, with Kristen in the center and Ryan on her left and Toby to her right. She said cheese and they all smiled brightly. After she took their picture and set the film on the table to develop, they repeated it two more times. Afterward, she handed them their mementos.
“Thank you,” Kristen said, tears welling up in her eyes. They didn’t spill because she fought them back, but her sons noticed, and it seemed to make them uncomfortable.
The guards announced it was time to wrap things up, and Kristen was allowed one more hug before they left. This time they each hugged her just as tight back.
“I love you, Mom,” Toby said.
“Love you too.”
Kristen hugged Ryan next. They said their I love you’s and then their goodbyes, and in an instant, her kids were waving to her and walking away, out the door and into the free world.
Chapter 19
Ryan and Toby walked side by side without speaking back to the car. The fervid sun beat down on them as if in anger and the humidity, something they’d grown used to living in Florida all their lives, felt especially oppressive. As they approached their vehicle, Ryan fell to his knees. Toby froze, unsure of what just happened, and then he heard sobbing.
His older brother had always been the strong, silent type, and through the years whenever Toby had a problem, like being bullied at school, Ryan had been the one to take care of it. Now he watched him cry, something he’d never witnessed before, head in his hands, gasping for air between sobs.
Toby reacted by doing the first thing that came to his mind. He crouched down and reached for his arm, grabbing hold of him.
“C’mon, man,” he said, helping him back up. “I got you.”
Ryan took hold of it and stood, the effort seeming too much for him. His tears slowed, and he inhaled some deep breaths, the expression on his face was like a shell-shocked soldier who’d seen one too many battles.
Ryan wiped the tears away and let out a deep sigh. He looked up at Toby. “That was so fucked up.”
“I know,” Toby agreed.
“Those guards opening up our mouths and patting us down beforehand.”
“Dude. I know. It was freaky.”
Ryan rubbed his head, which was shaved with just a bit of stubble. “Man. Seeing Mom there…”
“It sucks,” Toby said.
“Yeah.”
“She looked different too.”
“I noticed that.”
Ryan pulled the photo out of the back pocket of his pants and studied it. Toby checked it out as well. “Can you believe this shit is real?” Ryan asked. “That this is our life?”
The two boys—young men now—locked eyes. The moment felt suspended in time, and Toby knew he would never forget it. He felt Ryan was thinking the same.
Toby looked away, breaking the spell. “No. I can’t believe it. I wish things were different.” He paused, let out a deep sigh, and said, “Why don’t you let me drive?”
Ryan fished the keys out of his pocket. He seemed thrilled to hand them over. On the way home, he sat in the passenger seat with his eyes closed and the air cranked.
*****
After the visitors left, the inmates were taken to an area to be checked. Kristen was patted down, the inside of her mouth searched and her shoes were removed. There was always a chance something could be passed to a prisoner even though they were being carefully monitored. Kristen didn’t mind the routine. She was ecstatic to have finally seen her boys after so many years.
The guard took her back to her cell where Debbie was sitting in her bunk reading a novel.
“How did it go?” she asked.
Kristen held the picture up in the air, and Debbie set her book aside, then swung her legs over the edge of the top bunk and reached for the photo.
“Aw… Aren’t they sweet,” she said, then looked up at Kristen, who had now begun crying.
“Sorry,” Kristen said. “I’m a bit overwhelmed. And I didn’t want to lose it in front of them.”
Debbie handed the picture back to Kristen. “You don’t have to apologize, honey. We’re friends.”
Kristen was surprised when she thought about the friends she had made while being locked away. She never expected to, but the longer she was there the more she managed to find a fe
w people she really liked.
“Thanks, Deb. I really appreciate that. If you don’t mind, I think I’m going to lie down and rest now. I’m spent.”
“I don’t mind at all. I’ll just get back to my story. You relax.”
Debbie swung her legs back up. Kristen kicked off her shoes and lay down, face toward the wall in an attempt at privacy, and gazed at her photo. Their visit was bittersweet and had gone by much too fast in her opinion. She sighed and set the picture next to her pillow.
With eyes closed, Kristen’s mind went somewhere she didn’t want it to go: Cindy.
Of course there would eventually be a Cindy. How could there not? Somehow knowing her name made it worse.
She was getting a little dose of karma, and it didn’t feel very nice.
Kristen’s abdomen twisted. Her greasy-hamburger lunch, combined with the thought of another woman sleeping with her husband was a stomach-churning mix. Her head began to feel hot and soon perspiration dotted her forehead. She was sure she was going to be ill. Kristen tried to will her intestines to relax because she hated being sick, especially in front of another person.
If it happened, it happened, she thought. There was nothing she could do.
Unwanted images popped into her mind, of her husband and Cindy making love. She didn’t know what Cindy looked like, of course, but her mind was a sadistic inventor, conjuring up visions of a luscious Victoria’s Secret supermodel with tousled long hair and mind-blowing curves.
One X-rated scene after another assaulted her. She could see them doing it in every position. The images made her dizzy even though she was lying down, and anxiety rose in her chest, causing it to constrict. The abdominal spasms quickened and then there was nausea, followed by the sensation of water rushing to her mouth.
Kristen jumped up and ran to the toilet. She leaned down and vomited the contents of her stomach into it, sweating and shaking afterward.
“I knew that food wouldn’t agree with you,” Debbie said from above. “You haven’t eaten like that in a long time.”
Kristen dropped to her knees, worried another round was on its way. “I know,” was all she could reply.
She had no intention of discussing what had really made her sick. She didn’t want pity or a lecture on how she’d get over him and find a new partner someday. That was the last thing she wanted to hear. What she wanted most was silence.
Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she got up carefully, regaining balance, and washed her hands and splashed her face. Once it seemed certain she wouldn’t throw up again, she returned to her bunk and curled into a fetal position and closed her eyes.
Kristen thought back to her wedding day. It had been a celebration – a fun affair where guests actually enjoyed themselves. Nothing stuffy, like some she had been to. Through the years, lots of people had told her it had been one of their favorite weddings. They loved the music, the food, the drinking, the dancing.
Her mind skipped further back to another memory. She and Jeremy were walking hand in hand at Disney World, after having just gone on a series of heart-stopping rides. He paused, looked at her and said, “Will you marry me, Kristen? I want to grow old with you.”
His proposal was completely unexpected, and the words were like a wave of warmth washing over her. The light in Jeremy’s eyes shined from deep within, and the sun setting in the background gave the moment a spiritual quality. She’d never forgotten it.
Then, just like a scene in a movie, Kristen said yes, and she threw her arms around his neck and he pulled her close for a tender kiss.
Her reverie was interrupted by the sound of two cellmates arguing next door. “Why don’t you kiss my black ass,” one of them cursed. “Why don’t you shut the fuck up,” the other shouted, their confrontation deflating the last shred of romance the memory had offered.
Kristen pulled her blanket over her head like it could shield her from the insanity that surrounded her. She didn’t know how much more she could take of the place, but what choice did she have?
She’d have to endure it.
She thought of what brought her here – all the stealing, the phony checks she’d written. She pictured the shopping trips and all the items she’d bought that seemed so important then, so necessary to her happiness. How wrong she had been. She wanted to beat herself up again, but self-flagellation was pointless. What was done was done.
Cindy popped into her mind again, the thought of her as frightening as a painted clown. She smiled and her perfectly straight teeth taunted Kristen. Her full lips mocked her, and without uttering a syllable, her smile said it all: You blew it.
A solitary tear rolled down Kristen’s face, the last tear in a day defined by tears, both happy and sad. But this one was the saddest of all. Part of her thought it might be a good idea to see Megan about the development, but the more she thought of it, the more she realized it would be a waste of time. All they would do was discuss the obvious and beat it like a dead horse. No, she decided, she wouldn’t waste Megan’s time. There were women waiting to see her with bigger problems. She would just deal with it on her own.
Then, even though there was no chance for a future with her husband, she closed her eyes and repeated her mantra: “My family and I will be reunited and be happy again. My family and I will be reunited and be happy again.”
The repetition was like a good friend, the kind that knew when you needed to believe a lie and happily went along with it. Soon, she’d fallen asleep.
Chapter 20
Warden Laura had finally recovered and made it back to work. After getting caught up, she went out to dinner with Lakeisha and Megan.
“So tell me how you’ve been?” Lakeisha asked Laura once they were seated and had their drinks.
Laura shrugged. “I’ve been okay. When it happened, I was scared to death, but they put the stents in, and I’m doing a lot better. Kind of enjoyed being home with my family though. Since I’ve been back, I tire easily.”
“You showed those rioters who’s boss,” Megan teased.
“Yes. Hearing the story of the mass chant warmed my spirit. I’ll tell you what, I won’t punish any of the participants, but if any one of them is looking for leniency for a future incident or time taken off for good behavior, it ain’t happening.”
Their meals arrived, and as Megan went to reach for a dinner roll, Laura blurted out, “What the heck?” as she stared at Megan’s hand. She’d just noticed the flash of light that played off her diamond engagement ring. “Oh, my God! When did this happen?”
Megan smirked. “Last weekend.”
“Congratulations!” Laura said. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Wanna know how he got her to say yes?” Lakeisha teased. “You’re gonna love it. It’s pure Megan.”
Laura waited in anticipation.
“He used reverse psychology on her. Never pushed her to make plans, never made a fuss over her even though he was whipped. Eventually, it was like he was living there, and they’d recently walked past a jewelry store and he casually said, ‘What do you think of marriage? You wanna try it?’ He mentioned it like it was a passing thought, like he hadn’t planned to ask her that way.”
“That’s how it happened,” Megan quickly added, “The walk past the store was random. He didn’t plan that. He didn’t use reverse psychology.”
“Girl, that’s what you think,” Lakeisha said, razzing her.
Megan shook her head and rolled her eyes.
Laura laughed. “I told you you’d know when the right one came along.”
Taking a sip of her soda, Megan agreed. “That you did.”
The rest of the night, they caught up on work gossip and discussed wedding plans. Laura and Lakeisha were eager to be involved and offered to help Megan with anything she needed. It seemed like the tide had indeed turned.
*****
During the week, Lakeisha saw an incoming letter for Kristen from Lupe. Like most folks, she was inter
ested to see what Ms. Lupe had to say. She half expected to read that Lupe had been picked to be in a reality TV show.
Kristen,
Hope all is well. Things are good out here in the desert. Married life is great, but then look who I picked as a husband. I did good.
Have some news that might surprise you. I’m pregnant! Yep, there’s going to be a little Lupe in the near future. We just found out it’s a girl. I’ll keep you posted and send pictures.
Chin up, chica,
Lupe
Lakeisha checked the seams, folded the letter and put it back in its envelope. Afterward, she found herself feeling down. Of course she was thrilled for Lupe. Nothing made her happier than finding out a prisoner had moved on and was starting a new life. But she couldn’t help thinking about the daughter she’d lost.
When she was depressed she needed candy, so she reached into her bottom drawer and grabbed a snack size packet of Skittles. While munching on the colorful treats, it brought back the memory of being a kid, her brothers and sisters all playing hopscotch or hide and seek together. She wanted more than anything to recreate that life by starting her own family and prayed God would bless her with a healthy child when the time was right. Her sadness eased into a strange peace, and she got back to work.
She noticed a second letter for Kristen. They came in waves. It was from Olivia.
Kristen,
How are things? I’ll bet you were glad to see Ryan and Toby. They’re so grown up. Jeremy told me about the lunch you ate and the photos you took. That’s awesome.
Crazy drama going on around here. Bob found a better job closer to home, and his old job, the one that didn’t want to pay him what he was worth, is now begging him to stay, trying to match what he’s been given and offering a work-from-home option one day per week. He’s not taking it though. He’s moving on. I would too.