by Kim Cano
When Abigail looked up, Jess’ eyes were filled with tears. She could see the pain on her face and wanted to reach out and comfort her, give her a hug like she had done when Abigail was sad.
She was no longer worthy of a person like Jess. Truth be told, she felt she never was.
Wiping her eyes, Jess said, “I’m sorry, Abigail. I know I said I wanted to hear it all, but I’d prefer if we continue tomorrow.”
“I understand,” Abigail replied.
It was more than one sane person deserved to be subjected to in a day.
Chapter 22
With all the buzz over Megan’s upcoming wedding, Warden Laura thought it might be a good idea to add a few more inmates to work in the garden. They’d been selling flowers and plants and using vegetables in the cafeteria kitchen, and with everyone just sitting around doing nothing, she figured they could be put to work planting more flowers. That way, they could be used in the ceremony.
Jess had signed up for a position in the hopes to spend a few hours a day in the sunshine using her hands. She was chosen for lawn mowing and sod installation since she was stronger than the other girls and could handle the old school push mower. Abigail wasn’t sure if she should sign up, but not wanting to be left behind, put her name on the list. She hoped to work with Kristen on flowers. Instead, Warden Laura decided she would be a great fit for wheelbarrow duty, transporting heavier items throughout the garden for other inmates to plant.
Laura had a special affinity for sticking it to someone like Abigail. She might have had a moment of hesitation at first, knowing that she didn’t have all the details about the young woman’s heinous crime, but it didn’t last. Abigail was the worst kind of killer, and she didn’t deserve kindness.
Debbie wasn’t an outdoorsy type. She preferred to cook, and signed up to work in the kitchen. She got in right away because sweating and chopping vegetables wasn’t high on most people’s list of favorite things to do. Debbie, on the other hand, found it relaxing.
With everyone busier than usual, the time passed more quickly. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before there was drama. Abigail was struggling to push a wheelbarrow full of plants to the other side of the garden when a snake slithered up the handle and onto her arm. She let out a blood-curdling scream, shaking the serpent off her and sending the flowers tumbling to the ground.
Jess heard the commotion and rushed over. “Are you okay?” she asked, sounding worried.
Abigail was shook up and started crying a little. “Yeah. I’m fine,” she sniffed. “I just don’t like snakes.”
A corrections officer walked over, making sure there was no funny business going on, but Jess explained and offered to help clean up. The guard, a rather robust woman, just shook her head and tsked, anxious to return to her post standing in the shade.
“Thanks,” Abigail said.
As Jess helped her put the plants back in the barrow, she couldn’t help but think of how fragile Abigail seemed. She couldn’t imagine her harming a soul.
Then another thing came to mind.
She still loved her.
“There. You’re going to be fine. You’ll build up your muscles doing this,” Jess said, trying to make light of an obviously bad situation.
Abigail was about as suited to her task as Jess was suited to paint toenails. It was ridiculous, she thought, but it was prison, and they had no choice in the matter.
Kristen worked nearby and had witnessed the whole scene. She and the woman next to her looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
“She’s so different around that one. She almost seems nice,” the newcomer said.
Jess glanced in Kristen’s direction and was rewarded with a dirty look.
*****
Debbie’s first day in the kitchen, she blew her fellow inmates minds. She could chop carrots at a furious pace, just like on a television cooking show.
“Dang! Check this one out,” one of the women said. “Don’t mess with her. She’ll carve you up good.”
Debbie smiled to let them know they had nothing to fear, but the comment triggered a memory, one that often haunted her.
She was in the kitchen preparing dinner—in a great mood—when her husband came out of nowhere and grabbed hold of her arm.
“Ouch!” Debbie cried out. “That hurts.”
Her husband spun her around and slapped her across the face. “You fucked my friend! You think you can get away with that?”
“What are you talking about?” Debbie asked, visibly shaken, her face numb with stinging pain.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. He told me he was here today.”
Here we go, Debbie thought. Here comes the insanity.
“He forgot his sunglasses when he dropped you off last night. He came by unannounced and rang the doorbell to pick them up. That’s all,” Debbie pleaded.
But he wasn’t listening. His face was beet red and his eyes had the look of a wild animal. He lunged for the butcher knife. Terrified, Debbie took off running. She headed up the stairs but he caught hold of her ankle, and she came down hard, knocking the side of her head on the railing. The next moment he had one of his hands around her neck, and in the other the butcher knife, its menacing glint causing her to cringe in fear.
“If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill you.”
Crying, Debbie closed her eyes and wished she could disappear.
“Ahem,” a corrections officer said to Debbie. “No time for daydreams. Get back to work.”
Staring at the guard with a faraway look in her eyes she replied, “Oh… Sorry about that.” Then she continued preparing the myriad of veggies for the pot of soup, letting go of the past.
As Debbie went about her work, she thought about how she’d killed her husband, and how it seemed to be the only solution to her hellish nightmare.
She wished there could have been another way.
*****
After dinner, Abigail threw herself onto her bunk. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted in my entire life. It’s like boot camp. Why did I sign up for this?”
Jess laughed as she watched her lying there. “You didn’t want to be bored, remember.”
“Oh, yeah. Now I want to be. I mean, look at me. Do I look like someone who can lift heavy objects and cart them around?”
“No, you don’t.”
“And I’d give anything to soak in a bathtub filled with Epsom salts.”
Jess wasn’t much into taking baths, preferring showers instead, but she relished the visual of Abigail soaking in a tub full of fluffy bubbles. Pretty beat herself, Jess kicked off her shoes and climbed into her own bed. She thought they would talk more tonight as she wanted to hear more about Devin, but within an instant they both were out.
Jess woke up parched in the middle of the night. She wanted bottled water and tried to climb down quietly but tripped.
“You all right?” Abigail asked in a groggy voice.
“Yeah,” Jess replied while rubbing her knee. “I was trying not to wake you.”
Jess stood up and reached into the locker for a bottled water. After she opened it and drank some, Abigail came up beside her. “Can I have a sip? I don’t want a whole one.”
“Sure,” Jess said as she handed it to her. They usually didn’t share drinks.
When she finished, Abigail gave the water bottle back to Jess and plopped into bed. “I’m in pain,” she groaned. “There isn’t a muscle in my body that doesn’t hurt.”
Jess chugged the rest of it and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Then, on impulse, went over and sat on the edge of Abigail’s bunk.
“Do you want me to kiss you and make you feel better?”
Abigail didn’t answer right away, and Jess didn’t know if it was because she wasn’t interested or if she was worried a guard might stop by after count.
“Okay,” she answered, interrupting Jess’ thoughts.
That was all Jess needed to hear. She realized she still felt the s
ame for Abigail despite her confession. And it wasn’t just sexual attraction. She was deeply in love. There was a part of her mind that fought those feelings. Her rational mind that spoke to her of logic and morals and what was right and wrong, but it was too late. She was already too far gone.
*****
The next morning, Jess and Abigail were up early and had their beds made before the guard came around for morning count. They weren’t scheduled for garden work, so after showering and eating breakfast had the day to relax, which was ideal for Abigail. Her muscles needed a break.
“How are you feeling today?” Jess asked her as they got back to their cell.
“Like I got run over by a bus,” Abigail joked. “But I slept well.”
Jess smiled at her, and she blushed.
“I can’t figure out why they have you doing hard manual labor. I mean, working in the garden is tough, but to put you in charge of hauling things,” Jess said as she shook her head in disapproval. “That’s just cruel.”
“I know why I got the job.”
“Because Warden Laura doesn’t like you?”
“Exactly. And why should she?”
Jess seemed to mull over her comment. “She just doesn’t know you,” she said. “And of course she’s judging you for your crime.”
The phrase hung in the air, and Abigail wondered if Jess still judged her. Based on how she treated her last night, she guessed she’d been forgiven, even though in Abigail’s mind she didn’t deserve to be.
She had always thought Jess was a much better human being than she was and could never figure out what Jess saw in her. She’d been confused by the whole situation since she’d never imagined she’d ever be with a woman. She wasn’t sure how to feel about what was happening in her life.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as kind as you,” Abigail said to Jess with a look of sincere appreciation in her eyes.
Jess looked down, obviously embarrassed. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and shrugged. “That’s funny you should say that,” she replied, looking back up, “because I’ve been wondering how I managed to get a goddess as a girlfriend. An enigmatic, incredibly damaged goddess, but a goddess nonetheless.”
Abigail shook her head and laughed. Jess was definitely nuts.
She sat on her bunk. “If you want to hear more about my son, I can tell you the rest if you like.”
“Sure,” Jess said, taking a seat opposite her. “I want to know everything.”
“I might jump around a bit. I can’t always remember everything in order.”
“I don’t mind,” Jess replied.
Abigail took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Remember I told you how sweet Devin was as a baby?”
Jess nodded.
“Well, it changed as he got older. He seemed withdrawn, and when we’d cuddle up to him, give him kisses and make cooing noises, he was distant. He didn’t respond the way a normal kid does. It was like he was having a different experience than we were.”
“Huh. That’s weird.”
“That’s what we thought. I mean, we didn’t discuss it at the time, but when the problems grew exponentially through the years, we went back and analyzed things and finally agreed it was strange. While it was happening, it just felt like something was off. I remember always feeling anxious about it too, wondering why my child didn’t seem connected to me.”
“Man. That sucks.”
Abigail grimaced and continued. “When Devin got older, he pulled away from me and cringed when I tried to hug him. It broke my heart. He’d run to his dad though, so Steve would take him out front to play ball or take him fishing on his day off. I assumed it was a phase or something.”
Jess looked sad. “I’m so sorry, Ab. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been to not be able to feel close to the child you love.”
“Thanks,” she mumbled sheepishly before continuing. “When we put him in kindergarten, the underlying issues flourished. He had lots of problems with the other kids. He’d stand too close to them, and they’d get upset and push him away. That’s when he started acting aggressive. At first, it was just toward the other kids, but when he got older he attacked one of his female teachers. He was only in second grade, but he threw a chair at her and she was hurt pretty bad.”
“Oh my God!” Jess gasped.
Abigail gave her a look that said, “you just heard the beginning of it.”
“Eventually, we had to take him out of that school and put him into a special one for kids with troubles. I know I shouldn’t have felt embarrassed by it, but I did. I mean, I came from the perfect family. Growing up with my parents was like a made for TV show. It couldn’t have been any better.”
Jess grinned.
“And with my dad being a doctor and my mom a nurse, well… we had high hopes our son would follow in the family footsteps and be a success. Someone to be admired in the community. Having him in that school and dragging him from specialist to specialist to find out why he was so violent was a huge disappointment. We were saddened, but we loved him and would’ve done anything to heal him. That’s why we tried so hard.”
Abigail studied Jess, looking for any sign of judgment. She just sat opposite her wearing a concerned expression.
Running her hand through her hair, Abigail went on. “There were so many things. I could go on for days. There was the time they had arts and crafts at school and Devin made a butcher knife out of aluminum foil. His teacher asked him why he made it, and he said it was for Mommy. I received a worried phone call and had to come in for a meeting to discuss the incident. There was the time he told his babysitter we starved him, that we wouldn’t give him any food, which of course wasn’t true. He’d make up all kinds of elaborate stories. You have no idea,” she said, shaking her head.
“Steve and I tried to have a weekly date night. You know, to keep the romance alive, but after a while, no sitter would put up with Devin for any price. It was useless. Word spread what a handful he was, and we were screwed.”
Abigail got up and began walking back and forth. “Anyway, then he became demanding. He wanted things and if he didn’t get them, he would threaten us. He’d say he was going to jump out the window and tell the neighbors we pushed him. He threatened suicide off and on, and as he got bigger, he began randomly attacking us, out of nowhere, with no advance warning or situation preceding it.”
“Holy shit,” Jess said.
“Holy shit is right,” Abigail said and stopped walking. “And at first, he’d do all this craziness when Steve wasn’t around. It was almost like I made it up. I’d call Steve at work frantic, when he was with patients, and he’d listen and try and help but couldn’t. Then, when he’d come home, he’d plan to have a talk with Devin, but when he walked in the door Devin would go running to him saying ‘Daddy! I missed you so much today!’ and as he hugged him, he’d be facing me, wearing a devilish grin.’”
Jess looked like she was getting freaked out. “So then what did you do?” she asked.
“I tried to discuss it with Steve, but it caused a rift between us. He thought I was exaggerating. The notes and calls from the teachers concerned him, and once doctors were involved and he had a series of diagnoses, he paid closer attention. As Devin got older he realized he couldn’t manipulate Steve, and he turned on us both. He’d tell his teachers we abused him. He’d hit his head repeatedly against the wall to create bruises so he could say we did it. I would try to stop him, but he’d bite me and push me down.”
“Fuck!”
“Yeah. One of his therapists suggested he get a diary, you know, to record his thoughts. In it, he wrote extensively how he wanted to kill us in our sleep, and how he planned to kill some of the other kids at his school. Anyway, one time I woke up in the middle of the night with an uncomfortable feeling. When I opened my eyes I found him standing next to my bed, staring down at me, his face illuminated by the moonlight, with a sinister look in his eye.”
Abigail sat back on the bunk
, and tears began to spill. “I was scared, Jess. I was so scared.”
Jess reached out and hugged her. “It’s okay. You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.”
Abigail hugged her back, but then let go and wiped her wet face with her hand. “I want to finish,” she said, looking determined.
Taking a few more deep breaths, she went on. “We eventually had him in a mental hospital for a month. And I hate to say it, Jess, but it was the first time I felt free. I usually felt like a prisoner in my own home. Always terrified.”
She began crying hard again but eventually managed to find composure. “When he came home, nothing changed. It seemed to have actually gotten worse. He kicked Steve in the back one day for no reason. He was just walking down the hallway and boom! He knocked him down, and poor Steve hit his head on the side of the granite counter in the kitchen. He had to be rushed to the hospital.”
Abigail pulled her legs in and wrapped her arms around them. “I wasn’t home at the time. I was at the store. When I got back, Devin was gone, and Steve was lying on the ground with blood on his head. Afterwards, I suggested we put him in a home, but we couldn’t afford it, even with my husband making a great salary. The mental health situation in this country is a joke. There’s so much red tape and limits on the insurance policy, it’s hard to get help. I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say you wouldn’t want to be in our shoes.”
Jess nodded.
“And then there was the incident.”
Abigail stared at Jess, unsure if she should tell her. “A neighbor claimed he’d violated their little girl. That he’d held her down and shoved a tree branch in her vagina.”
Jess looked horrified.
“There was no proof of course. Not that they found.”
“What do you mean?” Jess asked.