by Kim Cano
“Put yourself in my shoes, Jess. Wouldn’t you want the same for me?”
“No!” Jess snapped. “I wouldn’t. I don’t want a life without you. I want us to be together. Always.”
Jess couldn’t accept what Abigail had. And she couldn’t take any more discussion of the matter. She was hurt beyond words that Abigail could let her go just like that.
Abigail leaned in and gave Jess a gentle kiss on the lips, then whispered in her ear, “All I want is the best for you.”
Jess closed her eyes in an attempt to make it all go away. Watching Abigail dance made her feel more alive than she’d ever felt. She revisited the image, letting it awaken her every sense. Intoxicated, she pulled Abigail close and spent the rest of the night memorizing the surface of her skin, the scent of her hair.
She wished she could possess her very being.
In the wee hours of morning, after Abigail was fast asleep in her own bunk, Jess lay awake, thinking. She decided there wasn’t a chance in hell she was going to lose the woman she loved. She’d rather spend the rest of her life in prison than be free with anyone else.
Then, as if in answer to her prayers, a solution began to form in her mind.
Chapter 31
The news of Kristen’s grandchild’s birth came rushing in. She got a letter from Olivia, and a card with baby photo from Ryan. It was a girl, and they named her Melissa. The excitement was almost too much for Kristen. She jumped up and down in her cell by herself, no one around to high-five or celebrate with, and for once she couldn’t care less. Nothing could bring her down from the incredible high.
Kristen had always wanted a girl. Granted, she loved her two boys, but if she’d had a third child she’d hoped it would be a girl. She couldn’t wait until she got out and could see her. It would only be a few more years. All she had to do was sit tight.
As Kristen stared at Melissa’s picture, her heart doubled in size. Melissa’s wrinkled pink face and fuzzy head might have looked like every other newborn baby to anyone else, but this wasn’t any other baby. It was her granddaughter.
And she already loved her.
An odd thing happened as she sat gazing at Melissa’s photo. She found she didn’t feel angry at her husband anymore. She didn’t hate Cindy or whomever Jeremy might be dating. She didn’t even feel jealous. It was as if all that toxic emotion had fallen away.
For a split-second she felt anxious, wondering why she didn’t have the expected feelings. Then she realized there was no point in chasing after the past. A wise woman would let it go.
Kristen smirked. Was that what she’d become? Wise? She had no idea, but she felt good.
At peace.
She returned her attention to Melissa’s picture and spent the rest of the afternoon visualizing all the fun things they’d do together. She continued floating on a cloud over the birth of her granddaughter. Her mood forecast was bright and sunny every single day.
*****
“Jess. Come here,” Abigail called as she sat in the soil working next to Kristen.
Jess reluctantly headed her way. She wished Abigail would stop attempting to involve her in their conversations when she clearly wasn’t interested.
“You’ll never guess the news. Kristen’s become a grandmother. Isn’t that awesome?”
Jess wanted to reply that she didn’t give a shit, but thought better of it. “Wow,” she said. “That’s really great. Congratulations.”
Kristen smiled. “Thanks, Jess. I really appreciate that.”
Her response surprised Jess. It was so…cordial, easygoing even. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, and in that time, signed an unspoken truce.
When Abigail and Jess were alone later, Abigail asked Jess, “I’m curious. Have you ever wanted kids?”
“Who me?”
“No,” Abigail giggled. “The other girl in this cell. Of course I mean you.”
Jess was embarrassed. The question had taken her off guard. She sat down and rubbed her face with her hands. “I don’t know. I guess I’ve never given it much thought.”
“Well, you’ve got the equipment,” Abigail teased.
Chuckling, Jess said, “It takes both pieces of equipment if I’m not mistaken.”
“What? You couldn’t do it just for that?”
Jess made a sickened expression.
“You mean. You’ve never?”
“Been with a guy?” Jess answered. She shook her head no. She looked like she’d been grossed out.
“How do you know then?”
Jess was used to this question. It was a common one from straight people. “I’ve always known. It was never in question,” she said.
Abigail looked to be digesting the information. Jess was thankful that by some sort of miracle she’d been able to have a relationship with her. Abigail hadn’t even experimented with another woman in college, like some of Jess’ other straight friends.
“I understand,” Abigail said. “But if you ever change your mind, you could always go the artificial insemination route. You never know what the future holds.”
That was the thing, though. Jess did know what the future held, and she wasn’t going to be doing anything like that. Her reply was a simple shoulder shrug, a cue Abigail knew meant she didn’t care to discuss a topic any longer.
*****
As the months passed, Kristen began to feel good about life. Her focus was on finishing her sentence and getting out to see Melissa. She’d received a few more photos, which she bore holes through, and had been informed of all the cute things the baby had done, her every move proving to be of great interest.
When Kristen thought about Jeremy, it was different than before. She still loved him, but it no longer mattered to her how he felt in return. She wasn’t weighed down by the past, beating herself up over what went wrong. She didn’t dwell on old memories, trying to analyze them for deeper meaning. She just loved him. It was like an expansive wave of warmth emanating from within, extending into the space around her. She had never experienced anything like it before.
Kristin stopped repeating her mantra too. It was no longer necessary. Things would work out however they were meant to, and that was okay. How these changes occurred within she didn’t know, but lately she’d experienced zero stress. She could almost go so far as saying life was good.
If she was served with divorce papers, then she was served with divorce papers. If her parents never visited and stopped sending money at Christmas, then so be it. To the outside world, it might appear she had stopped caring. Nothing could be further from the truth. She just stopped letting things bother her that she had no control over.
The joke that people on the outside sometimes made, that all prisoners do is eat, sleep, workout and read books, that they haven’t a care in the world, was finally true for her.
All due to a shift in attitude.
One day, Lakeisha stopped by to deliver a letter. She looked exhausted, like maybe working full time and having a child was becoming too much for her. Kristen used to think her job was kind of cool, like having a window into people’s worlds. Now she realized it was probably a bummer. Lakeisha sure looked beat down today.
Kristen didn’t recognize the sender. She’d never received mail from a stranger before, and like a kid in a candy store, she hopped onto her bunk, opened up the note and read it.
Kristen,
I’m Debbie’s old boss from the restaurant. I feel terrible I didn’t handle this sooner. My sister, who Debbie was staying with, found your name and address after going through Debbie’s things, and we thought you two might be friends.
Anyway, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but Debbie passed away. It happened right after she got out. She was killed by a car that ran a red light while walking to work her very first day back. We were so very saddened by the news, as she was a wonderful person. I considered her a friend.
Again, I apologize I didn’t write earlier to inform you.
Sincerely,
&
nbsp; Mark
Tears welled in Kristen’s eyes as everything became clear. Poor Debbie, she thought, while covering her mouth with her hand. Debbie was one of the sweetest ladies on the planet. She was always positive and full of encouragement.
Kristen sobbed. Life could be so unfair sometimes.
Kristen spent that night remembering Debbie. She thought about her past, all the terrible things she’d endured, and the way she always looked toward the future. She remembered the treats she’d sneak from the kitchen, her passion for cooking, and the movies they watched every Christmas. She remembered her crush on Jimmy Stewart, and how funny she thought it was at first, until she realized he was the quintessential nice guy.
Sighing, Kristen thought about how there were no guarantees in life. One minute you were here and the next you were gone.
She was grateful she’d never had a bitter thought about her old friend.
After they’d lost touch, Kristen had continued to think of her often, hoping Debbie was in a better place.
Now she knew she was.
Chapter 32
Jess had one month left until being released. Abigail was sad of course, but didn’t let it show, always wearing a brave face. She had meant what she said and wanted only the best for Jess. She was a rare, wonderful person, Abigail thought, and she wished she’d find someone much better to love, someone who might want to have kids and who could be a good parent. Jess had the rest of her life in front of her, and that made Abigail happy.
One night, after a mind-blowing lovemaking session, Abigail said, “I don’t want you to get the idea I don’t love you just because I want you to find happiness out there. I’m going to miss you, Jess. I really will.”
Jess responded with silence.
Abigail was confused by her reaction. “You understand how I feel, right? You know I care.”
“I don’t think I’m going to leave,” Jess answered in a low voice.
Abigail bolted upright. “What do you mean you don’t think you’re going to leave? You don’t have a say in the matter.”
“Don’t I?” Jess asked.
Abigail raised an eyebrow. “What are you getting at? I don’t like where this is going.”
Jess sat up. “Don’t worry yourself. I’ve got it all figured out. Just calm down.”
Furious, Abigail jumped from the bunk. “You don’t have it all figured out! And I don’t like what you’re insinuating. You’ll leave here as scheduled and have a wonderful life. Understood?”
Jess giggled. “You’re so adorable right now. I’ve never seen you this angry. It’s kind of hot. Why don’t you come back and give me a kiss?”
This only provoked Abigail’s indignation. “Don’t try and twist this into something cute. I’m really upset.”
Abigail began pacing the small room, getting more worked up with each step. Jess sat in the bunk watching her, not seeming to take her seriously.
Abigail spun on her heel and faced Jess. “Whatever kind of plan you think you’ve hatched is a mistake. I won’t allow it. Don’t even consider anything like it.”
Jess exhaled deeply. “It’s my life, Ab. I can live it how I want. And I want to spend it with you.”
“Ugh!” Abigail said, throwing her hands up in frustration. “Do you hear how crazy you sound?”
“What’s so crazy about being in love with you? Tell me,” Jess said, in an obvious attempt to try and turn the conversation around.
Abigail wasn’t falling for it. Not for one second.
“Don’t try and twist things,” Abigail said, pointing her finger. “You’re leaving here. End of discussion.”
“Okay. Okay,” Jess said. “I’ll leave. Now will you come back to bed?”
Abigail gave her a wary look, then padded back to the bunk. Jess didn’t like to be told what to do, especially by her girlfriend, but sometimes she just had to put her foot down. Like when she was right.
Once Jess snuggled up to her, Abigail asked, “Do you promise to leave?”
Jess held her and said she promised, but a feeling of trepidation came over Abigail.
*****
Kristen, Abigail, and the rest of the group were doing yoga when the commotion hit. Climbing back to her feet from a Downward Dog position, Abigail looked on in horror as she saw Jess on top of Shanice, beating her to a bloody pulp.
“Stop! Jess, stop!” she shrieked from across the field, but her cries went unanswered.
Guards came rushing in what looked like slow motion, their mouths barking commands. The two women ignored them, each visibly fueled with rage to finish each other off.
When Jess wouldn’t stop bashing Shanice’s head against the ground, a swirl of batons spun, clocking her from all angles. The officers tried to beat her into submission, but Jess wouldn’t stop. Abigail saw that Jess was in the zone, releasing all the pent up anger she’d held in for way too long. Jess glowed with exhilaration as her fists connected with Shanice’s self-righteous face.
Alarms wailed in the distance. Tear gas came next. If they didn’t respond to either of those or the rubber bullets, the tower guards were authorized to shoot for real. Only in the leg to stop them, but if they missed and someone died, well, then there was one less asshole to deal with.
Every prisoner understood this possibility if they didn’t adhere to the rules.
Luckily, the noxious fumes worked their magic, and both Shanice and Jess lay on the ground choking. When the smoke cleared, all Abigail could see was a bruised Jess being hauled off by two guards, and a medic coming for Shanice, who lay unresponsive.
There was chaos on the yard as the remaining inmates were lined up and escorted back to their cells. Abigail was dazed. She couldn’t believe Jess broke her promise.
At dinnertime, Abigail wasn’t hungry but went anyway to see if there was any word on Jess. As she waited in line, Kristen came up behind her.
“Hey,” she said in a soothing voice.
“Hey,” Abigail sulked.
“Someone heard an update on Jess so I figured I’d pass it on,” Kristen said.
Abigail perked up at the chance to hear news.
“Shanice is alive. She was just knocked out. And Jess is okay, but she has two broken ribs and a lot of bruises.”
Abigail’s voice shook, betraying the outward calm she tried to convey as she asked, “Where is she?”
A cafeteria worker dumped food onto Kristen’s plate, and she slid her tray down. “Solitary. Not sure for how long.”
A pain shot through Abigail’s heart, and she accepted what was slapped on her plate and followed Kristen to a table.
“What I can’t figure out is why she’d attack Shanice now?” Kristen said. “Granted, Shanice is a massive bitch—no question—but Jess was getting out soon. All she had to do was play it cool.” Kristen shook her head. “No offense, but I think that was a dumb move. She’ll get more time for that stunt.”
Abigail took a sip of her drink and nodded in agreement.
Indeed, she would.
*****
That night, Abigail lay alone in her cell. She was sad Jess had lied to her but understood the motivation behind her actions. Still, it was unacceptable. She couldn’t allow Jess to ruin her life just to stay with her. There was no way in hell she was going to let that happen.
As the hours ticked by, Abigail let herself be swept away by old memories. She remembered her childhood and how happy it had been. The first few times she rode her bike with her parents watching, making sure she didn’t fall off, and them cheering her on in the background. The memory made her feel warm all over. It made her smile. She thought about the sugar cookies her mom used to make. No one could replicate her results. She’d been accused of adding a secret ingredient, to which she always laughed and said “No. Really, I just follow the recipe.” They tasted better because she made them. That was the special ingredient.
She remembered her ballet lessons and recitals. The shows were so much work, but it was her passion and she lov
ed it. The experience was made even more special because both her parents had never missed a single performance. They were always in the front row with their camcorder, smiling and cheering her on.
Abigail turned on her side and thought of her French teacher, Mrs. Lambert, one of the truly great educators at her high school. She’d made such an impact on her as a kid with stories of her visits to Paris and Cannes. Abigail’s parents had taken her there on vacation, and they’d had a blast. They’d even managed to take in a ballet at the Paris Opera. The show was so beautiful that watching it was like stepping into a fairytale.
Life wasn’t like in the storybooks though. She’d learned that lesson.
When she was a child, she’d dreamed of having a future like her parents. A happy marriage. Children surrounding her and bringing her joy. Growing old with her husband Steve. He had been a good spouse. He had always treated her like gold, and like her father, he called her his princess. What girl would have a problem with that, Abigail mused, as she remembered his adulation.
Steve had only drifted away when the problems became too great. She used to feel despair and anger over it, thinking he was a coward, but she’d forgiven him. She realized that if the roles were reversed, she would have done the same thing.
Abigail still loved her ex-husband, always would.
Abigail’s thoughts turned to Devin. The one she had loved the most.
There was no forgiveness for what she had done to him. And every single day she was disgusted with herself for having gone through with it. He was just a child, a needy, defenseless child. She’d tried and failed miserably as his mother.
Usually thinking about the past brought on a flood of tears. But today she viewed all these memories as merely a series of events, like pages turning in a book. In the end, she was just a person who ruined people’s lives. Everyone who loved her ended up hurt, dead, or immobilized. Steve. Devin. Her father.