by Kim Cano
“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Megan went home and lay down for a nap. When she woke later, she found she was still humming the piano piece.
Like Abigail, it was unforgettable.
Chapter 35
Kristen had heard the news of Abigail’s suicide and was both shocked and saddened. She couldn’t believe she’d lost two friends in such a short time. It just didn’t make any sense.
What could have happened to make Abigail do such a thing?
Of course there had been gossip. That Abigail had been depressed, that she’d snapped because she couldn’t handle her life sentence. Others whispered it was because Jess was leaving and she was heartbroken. Kristen didn’t believe any of it, especially because half the crap was coming from people who didn’t even know her. She’d find out soon enough she thought, once she found Jess.
While working in the garden, Kristen felt lonely without Abigail at her side. She hadn’t really known her all that well, but she was fun to talk to, and she seemed genuinely kind.
As Kristen snipped some dead branches, she sighed. Losing Abigail was so unexpected. Just like losing Debbie was. People were like tides that flowed in and out of her life.
*****
Warden Laura was nervous because Abigail’s parents were on their way to pick up her belongings and had asked to speak to her. She didn’t have a good feeling. And she wanted things to turn out well.
The phone rang and she lunged for it. “This is Laura.”
“Hi,” the officer said. “They’re here.”
“I’ll be right down.”
Laura hung up, took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. Not much made her tense, but losing a prisoner to suicide was just about as bad as things could get. It made her look incompetent. Plus, how was she to console the family? She never knew what to say.
A guard stood outside the meeting room and handed Warden Laura a bag containing Abigail’s things.
Laura walked in and shook both their hands. “Gary, Lois,” she said. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
The pair looked like they’d been depleted of all energy. They didn’t seem like trouble at all.
The three of them sat down. “I guess we’re still in shock. It’s just so hard to take,” Gary said.
Laura wore her most consolatory expression. “I can’t imagine it,” she said. “I have children of my own, and it’s a terrible thing.”
She was going to get down to business and turn over the personal items but noticed Abigail’s mom was about to speak.
“We lost our grandchild, now our daughter,” she said, her eyes tearing up.
Laura couldn’t begin to comprehend the depths of their pain. She reached out and squeezed Lois’ hand. Just a tiny bit, to comfort her. An uncharacteristic act, but one driven purely by instinct.
“You know what surprised us?” Abigail’s dad said. “When the lady who works here, Megan called, and asked if she could come to Abby’s funeral. And then how she got up and spoke about our daughter… that meant a lot to us.”
“Megan was very upset over what happened to Abigail. She cares deeply for the inmates that have been her patients.”
“She said Abby had friends here. She mentioned the names Kristen and Jess,” Gary said.
Laura stiffened at the mention of Jess. Sexual relations between prisoners was against the rules. And a situation like theirs was a lawsuit in the making. As far as Laura was concerned, there never was a suicide note.
Playing it cool, she nodded and said, “Yes. Kristen and Abigail worked in the garden together. Jess was her cellmate and best friend.”
They seemed to brighten a bit on hearing that, and Laura waited patiently, seeing if they wanted to talk more.
“Last time we saw our daughter, she seemed fine. We’re just so stunned by all this. I mean, it’s probably hard to live in a place like this, especially for life, but we didn’t think…” Lois trailed off.
“We do our best to evaluate the women here. And you’re right, Abigail seemed mentally stable. She was never involved in a fight. She followed all the rules. She was a model prisoner. No one was more surprised than me.”
Abigail’s mom began to cry, and her husband put his arm around her. “We should be going now,” he said, nodding at Warden Laura.
Laura nodded back, slid the bag across the table and asked him to sign the required forms.
“Again, I’m so very sorry,” Laura said in a soft voice as she rose.
Gary nodded, too emotional to respond, and Laura watched as they left the room together.
Once it was verified they’d left the building, Laura went back to her office and shut the door. She didn’t want to be disturbed for the rest of the day.
*****
Jess hadn’t left her cell in days. She nibbled on candy, chips, and soda she had in her locker but didn’t have much of an appetite. The world had gone black, and she didn’t care anymore. They could beat her, give her a life sentence, put her back in solitary. She didn’t give a shit. All she could do was think of Abigail, and how much she missed her.
The sound of keys clanking caught her attention. Jess looked up and saw a guard.
“Time to get up. You have an appointment with Megan.”
No surprise, Jess thought. She rose, walked over and let the woman cuff her. On the way down to Megan’s office, Jess squinted as the bright overhead lights seemed to penetrate the very core of her brain.
After they got to the office, Megan said, “You can un-cuff her.”
Jess sat down and sighed.
“You’ve had a horrible week.” Megan said.
Megan didn’t understand. She couldn’t. But Jess knew the routine. She’d go through the motions.
“Horrible is putting it mildly,” Jess mumbled while staring at the floor.
“I was very sad to hear of Abigail’s passing,” Megan said. She paused and added, “She was my patient, too. For a while, anyway.”
Jess already knew that. She’d said therapy wasn’t for her.
“I went to Abigail’s funeral.”
Jess’ head snapped up. “You did?”
Megan had her attention now.
“How did it go?” Jess asked.
Megan sat up straighter in her chair. “It was a small gathering. Only four people. Abigail’s parents, me, and her ex-husband.”
Steve showed. She couldn’t believe it.
“No one else came? No other relatives or friends?”
Megan shook her head no. “Her parents were distraught, as expected, and they’d put up a nice little display of photos, showing Abigail at all ages of her life. There was a baby picture. Kid pictures in ballet costumes. Group family photos. Wedding pictures.”
Jess got teary-eyed. “That’s nice.” She tried to wipe the tears away, but they were falling too quickly. “I wish I could’ve gone.”
“I know, Jess. I’m sure she would have wanted you there.”
Megan handed a box of tissues to Jess.
Reaching for one with a shaky hand, Jess said, “I still can’t believe she’s gone. I’m devastated. She was…”
Megan sat listening, waiting.
“I loved her,” Jess admitted.
Sighing, Megan said, “It’s so hard to lose someone you love. I know what that’s like, too.”
Jess studied her, wondering what that was all about. She’d never say, of course, because therapists don’t talk about their personal lives. Still, she was human too. Maybe she did understand.
“Will you tell me more about the funeral?”
“Sure,” Megan said in a soft voice. “Her dad got up and made a speech, saying how much he and her mother loved their daughter, and that they missed her, and I said a little something.”
“You did? What did you say?” Jess asked. She was still sniffling but talking to Megan was helping. She had something new to focus on.
“I can’t remember the exact words. Just that Abigail was a patient, one that I
would have liked to have better helped. I mentioned she worked in the garden and had been involved in creating my wedding bouquet. I said she had friends here: you and Kristen.”
“You mentioned me?”
“Of course,” Megan said.
Jess smiled for the first time in days. Just a tiny one, but a smile nonetheless.
“Her ex-husband made the most touching speech of all.”
She couldn’t imagine what he’d said, and she waited for Megan to continue.
“He said he loved Abigail once and that he forgave her.”
Jess’ jaw hung open. Knowing what she knew, and how he must have felt. That took a lot.
“That would have made Abigail very happy,” Jess said.
Megan nodded. “I thought so. I could see it affected her parents deeply too.”
Jess could picture them there and felt sad. She couldn’t imagine what their life was like, how much they must be suffering.
“Oh, and they played the most beautiful music as we said our goodbyes. I’d never heard it before. I think it’s on the prayer card. Let me check in my purse.”
Megan reached for her bag and dug it out. On one side was a picture of Abigail, and on the other side was the prayer and chosen music with the date and location of the funeral.
“May I see that?” Jess asked.
Megan handed her the card, and Jess held it in her hand, admiring Abigail’s photo.
God…she was as beautiful as ever, Jess thought. Her goddess. She didn’t even have a picture of her.
“Pavane for a Dead Princess,” Jess said, choking up. “I know this piece. I can’t think of anything more fitting.”
Megan smiled. “Why don’t you keep that?”
Sobbing over her kind gesture, all Jess could manage to get out was a “Thanks.”
“How about you come back next week?” Megan suggested.
Jess smiled through her tears and nodded yes.
Chapter 36
Okay, Kristen thought. Don’t freak out. Stay calm.
She had a new cellmate. Someone she never could have imagined.
“Hey,” Jess said. She put her things down. “I’m used to the top bunk so…”
Kristen nodded. “Cool. Have at it.”
While Jess got settled in, Kristen felt uncomfortable. They hadn’t spoken beyond the garden truce. Kristen knew Jess was madly in love with Abigail, and she thought Abigail cared for Jess too. All things considered, she felt it was best to leave her to her thoughts and not ask questions.
Lying in her bunk, Jess broke the silence within the first hour.
“I’m sure you know about Abigail’s death,” she said.
Kristen was pretending to read a letter. She set it down. “Yes. I heard. I was devastated.”
“Me too,” Jess said. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
Kristen couldn’t imagine losing a loved one. Losing her spouse.
“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” Kristen offered.
Jess sat up and glanced down. “Thanks.”
After another uncomfortable stretch of silence, Kristen spoke again. “I was so shocked by the news. I didn’t know Abigail like you did, but she seemed okay. As okay as a person can be in this place, I mean.”
“She had some issues, like we all do. Plus, she was a lifer. There’s nothing good about that.”
Kristen sensed there was more to the story but didn’t want to push. “Well, I liked having her around. She was a lot of fun. That ballet shit was hard.”
“She was fun,” Jess agreed in a softer voice.
“How about how she learned to handle that wheelbarrow?”
“The thing was bigger than her.” Jess smiled faintly. “She was in so much pain the first few days, but she got it. I knew she would.”
“The ladies on the yard were in a world of hurt after she taught us ballet too. It looks so easy until you try it.”
Jess’ smile faded, and she looked down. “I wouldn’t know. I never gave it a shot. She seemed to love it though. She’d done it all her life.”
Jess’ voice cracked on the word life, and Kristen stiffened.
“I sure am going to miss her,” Kristen said.
Jess’ reply was a wave of tears.
Kristen didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t used to having Jess around yet or seeing her act like a normal person. Were it not for their history, she would have freely offered a hug. She was at a loss.
“I’m so sorry, Jess. I know you and Abigail were… close.”
Jess was sobbing hard now. “I loved her,” she admitted.
Nervous, Kristen got up. “I wish I knew what to say.”
Jess wiped her tears. “There’s nothing anyone can say. It just hurts so much.”
Jess climbed down to grab some tissues. Kristen awkwardly put a hand on her shoulder to try and comfort her. It seemed like the right thing to do, and contrary to Kristen’s expectations, Jess didn’t pull back. She just nodded, and then began blowing her nose.
After dinner, the two of them spent the rest of the night talking. Kristen mostly. She told Jess the reason she’d been sent to prison. She discussed a little bit about her childhood and her parents. She told Jess about her sons, the new grandchild, and the situation with her husband. She thought it might help Jess to take her mind off her problems and think of something else for a while.
“Kristen,” Jess said later as they lay in their own bunks. “I want to apologize for the past. I can’t believe I ever treated you that way. I’m so embarrassed by what I did. If I could go back in time, I’d undo it.”
Sighing, Kristen said, “I think we all feel that way about things we’ve done in life.”
She couldn’t believe Jess had apologized. But her own response surprised her even more.
“That’s nice of you to say,” said Jess. “But still, there was no excuse. I’m truly sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” Kristen said.
And that quickly, the matter that had caused so much grief for so many years was officially closed.
*****
Visitation was not going to be fun this time around.
Jess didn’t bother telling her mom about the broken ribs. What was the point in making it worse?
“Hi, honey,” Jess’ mom said.
She gave her a big hug, and Jess winced.
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh, nothing. Just a little sore.”
Jess’ mom gave her a look of disapproval. “Maybe if you didn’t fight with people you wouldn’t be sore. I see the faded bruises.”
There was no way Jess was going to argue. She knew better. “You’re right, Mom. I shouldn’t have gotten into trouble. I’m sorry.”
After Jess agreed with her, she seemed to soften. “So, sweetie. How are you? I’ve been so worried about you after what happened to your friend.”
Jess let out an exhale. “It’s hard, Mom, like I said in my letter. I’m hurting like I’ve never hurt before.”
Her mom sat opposite her looking helpless and that made Jess hurt even more.
“I’m so sad you’re not coming home soon. I was looking forward to it,” she said. “And now with what you’re going through. I wish I could be there for you.”
“I know, Mom. I wish I could be home with you too.”
And she meant it. Had she known Abigail would commit suicide, she wouldn’t have fought Shanice. She would’ve left when she was supposed to and continued to visit. She would’ve found some kind of life with Abigail, even if it wasn’t the one she wanted. Now she had nothing. More than ever, she needed her mom and wished she could go home.
“Well, honey. We can’t change the past,” Jess’ mom said. “All we can do is look toward the future. We’ll be together soon enough, I guess. Two years isn’t forever.”
Jess nodded. Time went by faster as she got older. But now that Abigail was gone, time seemed to stand still. Like her life, it seemed to be going nowhere.
*****
Kr
isten had suggested Jess come back out onto the yard. Not to exercise or play ball but just to get some fresh air. Knowing she couldn’t stay inside forever, and that she’d eventually have to face Shanice again, Jess decided now would be as good a time as any. Might as well get it over with.
As Jess headed outside with her group, she felt eyes on her. She was a person of interest. Not only had she been absent from outdoor activities since the fight, she had been the cellmate of a suicide victim. Too drained from grief to care or feel nervous, Jess found a spot off to the side and sat down by herself. She alternated her focus between watching the ladies in the aerobics group and staring into her lap.
What’s the worst thing that could happen? Jess mused. Shanice and her crew could jump her and she’d get shanked?
They’d be doing her a favor. She was dead inside anyway.
But no one came to kill her, and in the end, the brief visit outdoors had done Jess good. Seeing the sun and the clouds in the sky made her think of Abigail. Would she be in Heaven? She’d read about the subject in her religious education classes years ago. Suicides don’t go to Heaven.
Screw it, Jess thought. This time she wouldn’t go with what was written. She’d go with what she believed in her heart.
Jess gazed at the sky and smiled.
“I know you’re up there.”
Chapter 37
Within a few months, Kristen and Jess became friends. Jess continued seeing Megan for help with the grieving process, and kept her distance from Shanice. She’d stopped playing basketball and had taken up walking around the track instead.
Lakeisha stopped by with mail for Kristen. It was from Olivia.
“Probably more pictures of Melissa,” Jess said with a smile.
Kristen perked up at the promise of an update on her granddaughter. She ripped the envelope open.
Kristen,
I’m afraid this letter is bad news. I’ve been putting off writing until I knew more, but now that I have all the facts I’m letting you know.