by Jessica Wood
My hands moved to my stomach as I worried about the future of this unborn child. “What am I going to do? He’s not ready to be a father. Can I get through everything on my own?”
I knew the answer to my last question. It was a no. I wasn’t sure I could face everything on my own. I knew I needed Damian to be there for me.
But he’s not there for you. Fresh tears fell down my face at this thought.
Just then, there was a knock at my door. I tried to wipe away the tears from my face as I walked to the door. When I opened the door and saw who was on the other side, my heart stilled.
It was Damian.
“Alex, I’m so sorry. I really fucked up.” I saw a fresh bruise on his face and the pain in his eyes, and I fought back the urge to sink into his arms and believe that everything would be okay.
“I don’t want to see you.” My voice shook as I spoke. “You really hurt me.” I halfheartedly pushed the door closed and turned to walk away.
He blocked the door and followed me inside. “Please, Alex. I know I’ve hurt you. I…I was just going out of my mind. I thought you were cheating on me. Nothing happened with the blonde! I swear! I just wanted to upset you because…I was upset.”
I turned back to him, surprised at his words. “What do you mean, nothing happened?!”
He walked over to me. “Baby, I thought you had cheated on me, so when I texted you to come down and see me, I purposely got that girl to pretend like she had gone down on me in front of you, but she didn’t. Nothing happened. I just wanted to make you jealous… I wanted to inflict the same pain on you that I had been feeling.”
As I took in his words, he pulled me into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in my ear. I pushed him away and smacked him across the face with every ounce of strength I had.
I gasped in surprised at what I had just done. From the look in his eyes, he was surprised too.
“Did that feel good?” he asked and gave me a boyish grin.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Yes. That helped a little.”
“Good. I deserved that.” He smiled down at me, his rich, blue eyes filled with concern and remorse. “Can you forgive me for being such an asshole?” His face twisted with sadness, and I felt my resolve waver. And for a brief moment, I felt all my sadness leave me.
“So nothing happened with that girl?” I looked at him hopefully, wondering if I could really forgive him.
“I swear to you. Nothing happened. My boxers were on and she didn’t do a thing. I told her I’d take care of her drinks for the rest of the night if she helped me out. She wanted more, but I just couldn’t.” He pulled me into his arms and I sighed as my cheek sank into his muscular chest. I could hear the rapid beating of his heart, and I felt comforted by his presence.
Why does he make me feel so safe and happy without even trying?
“But why were you so upset? Why did you talk to me first?”
“I don’t know. You’re right. I should have talked to you first.” He pulled me gently from his arms and looked down at me. His eyes twinkled as I watched him look at me in that way that’d always made me feel special and loved. “I’m sorry for being a fool, baby. I just thought you had cheated on me with that guy, and I’ve never felt so destroyed by something before.”
I looked at up him and saw the man that I had fallen in love with—the broken man who had been scared to love someone before me—and I tried to understand how he must have felt when he’d thought I had betrayed him.
“How could you think that I would cheat on you? And why do you think I’m pregnant with Chris’s baby?” I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes. “Don’t you trust me?”
“I do. I…” He paused, and I could tell he was debating over something in his head. He then sighed and continued. “When we were in Italy at Emma’s wedding, your phone started to ring when you were in the restroom during the reception.”
“Okay.” My mind flashed to the memory of what we had done in that bathroom that night.
“Well when I went to go silence the phone, I saw that a guy named Chris was calling you. I knew your ex-boyfriend’s name was Chris, and…I was going to confront you about it when you got back from the restroom, but then he texted you too and asked you if you had received your test results because he’d be there for you.”
“Oh.” My stomach lurched at what he’d said. He has known this entire time.
“When I saw that text, I had all these crazy thoughts in my head. You hadn’t mentioned anything about any test results to me, and you didn’t tell me that you were talking to Chris.”
“I’m sorry, Damian. I should have told you earlier.” I grabbed his hand and held it between mine.
“So I was angry. It was then that I had noticed that you hadn’t been drinking alcohol during the wedding ceremony either. Then, during our last day in Italy, I overheard you on the phone confirming a doctor’s appointment to go over some test results and then you spoke to Chris. When I came in to ask you who was on the phone, you lied to me. And that was when I really started to think that my suspicions were right—that something was going on between you two and you were pregnant with his baby.”
“How come you didn’t ask me?”
“I don’t know. I was scared to lose you I guess.” He shrugged. “I also didn’t want to believe that you had cheated on me, so I wanted to wait for you to tell me about the test results yourself.”
“Oh.” I felt a pang of guilt as I realized the misery I’d caused him in the last few weeks.
“But then today”—he looked over at me and I saw the anguish in his eyes—“when I saw Chris at your front door with only a towel around his waist, I lost it. I thought you were seeing him again. I thought you were like my mother…” His voice trailed off as he looked away. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. Chris is right. I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t say that! Chris doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” I leaned up and gently kissed him on the lips.
“You’re too good to me, Alex. You forgive me time and time again, and you always see the positive side of me that I don’t even see myself.”
“Damian, I won’t lie to you. You have hurt me a lot. What you did downstairs… That was unbearable to watch, and for a second, I had lost faith in us.” My voice cracked as I fought back the tears.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly as he gently brushes the tears from my face. “I guess I never got over my mother’s betrayal. Before you, I went through life free from emotions because I didn’t want to experience the betrayal again. When I met you, I couldn’t help but fall hard for you. A part of me was terrified by this, because you were the one person who could hurt me the way my mother hurt me. So when I saw Chris, all those feelings of betrayal I came back, and I thought the worst before giving you a chance to explain.” He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too, Damian. I didn’t mean for things to get to this point. There is nothing going on with Chris.” I squeezed his hand to reassure him that I meant it. I was upset with myself that I had caused him this needless pain. I knew how much his mother’s betrayal had affected him all these years, and I couldn’t imagine what he’d been going through recently thinking that I had also betrayed him in that way.
“Nothing? Not even during that month we were apart?”
“Damian, I love you. Chris and I are just friends now. I was devastated when we broke up months ago after I walked in on you with another woman. How could you think I could get over you so quickly and jump into bed with another person, especially when that other person is my ex-boyfriend who had cheated on me?”
He lowered his head in shame. “I don’t know. I’m not a good person, Alex. Because frankly, I think that’s something I’d do if I caught you cheating.”
“But that’s just it, Damian. You didn’t do that—not today. You were upset when you saw Chris. You wanted me to think you were with that blonde down at the bar, but you didn’t d
o anything with her.”
He looked up and met my eyes, and I saw how much he loved me through that one glance. I knew then that I shouldn’t have doubted him as much as I had.
“So you’re not interesting in Chris?”
I gave him a reassuring smile. “No, definitely not. I’m sorry I didn’t mention him to you.”
“When did you guys become friends?”
“During the month we were apart.”
“Oh.” I heard the jealousy in his voice and I knew I owed him an explanation.
“So ever since Chris and I broke up, he had been trying to reach out to me to apologize for hurting me. We were together for four years, but I think deep down we both knew we were in a dead-end relationship. But instead of breaking up with me, he took the easy way out and cheated on me, hoping that I would find out and break up with him.”
“What an asshole.” Damian clenched his fists.
I rolled my eyes. “Would you have done it differently?” I teased.
“Yes. I can be a jerk to women, but I’m always straightforward with them.”
I thought about it and smiled. Damian was right. He was not shy about voicing his opinion about things, and that was one thing I loved about him.
“Anyway, I had ignored Chris’s emails and texts in the beginning. But when you and I broke up for that month, I was heartbroken and lonely, and I needed someone to talk to. So we started talking on the phone and I confided in him about what had happened between us. He was there for me and listened to me cry over you.”
“I’m sorry that I keep hurting you.” His face twisted in agony as he bowed his head.
“Just don’t do it again,” I teased as I lightly hit his chest.
“I promise.” He leaned down and kissed me gently on the forehead. “I hate myself for causing you any pain.”
I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his warm hard chest. We held each other in silence for a long time, and I felt my body relax inside his embrace.
“Alex?”
“Yes?”
“Are are you pregnant?” There wasn’t any fear or anger in his voice. All I could hear was the concern he had for me.
I nodded against his chest as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. “I am,” I whispered.
His hugged me tighter. “Are we going to have a baby?” he asked softly.
I smiled up at him and saw the love in his eyes. “Do you want that?”
“I want whatever makes you happy.”
My vision was partially blinded by my tears, but I could still see the sincerity of his words in his eyes. “Yes, I want to keep our baby.”
I watched him inhale deeply as he took in the news. “Why did you keep it from me?”
I gave him a meek smile. “Well, to be honest, I was scared. I mean, it’s you, Damian.”
“What’s what suppose to mean?” He cocked his head and frowned.
I smiled. “Well, I guess you’re the last guy I’d think pregnancy would be something they’d want to hear.”
He chuckled. “Well with any other woman, that might be true. But it’s you, Alex. It’s us. You know how crazy I am about you. You know how much I’ve changed because of you. I just wish you’d had more faith in me instead of confiding in your ex-boyfriend.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I told Chris not because I didn’t have faith in you or us. I think I just needed a guy’s opinion who wasn’t in this relationship. I was scared about how things would change between us once you knew. I was scared you’d leave me.”
“Alex. Come on. Give me some credit here. How could you think I’d leave you just because you’re pregnant?” I saw the indignation on his face and felt guiltier than ever.
“Well, there’s something else I need to tell you.”
I felt his body tense around me and knew he could tell from the tone in my voice that it was serious.
“What is it?” He looked down at me, his face twisting with worry as he braced himself for the news.
“When I went to get a pregnancy test, I went for an annual exam as well.” I paused and sucked in a deep breath through my mouth. I looked up at him and fought back the tears before continuing. “They found something in my breasts.” Tears ran down my face. “It’s cancer.”
The second my last word left my mouth, the air between us became dense and I saw the utter shock in his face.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Damian
I felt a lump in my throat and found it hard to breathe as everything sank in. Cancer. I was mad at her this entire time and she had cancer. I’m the worst fucking person in the world.
Alexis looked at me intently, her hands rubbing together nervously as she waited for me to say something. I pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her.
“Alex, I’m so sorry baby.” I held her tight inside my embrace, not wanting to ever let her go.
Her body shook against my chest as she began to sob violently. “I should have told you sooner,” she whispered.
“I’ve been such an asshole. I can’t believe I’ve been upset with you when you were going through all this. It’s my fault that you didn’t feel like you could tell me. How long have you known?”
“Damian.” Alexis let out a soft giggle through her sobs “You’re holding on to me too tightly. I can hardly breathe.”
“Oh shit. Sorry!” I loosened my arms around her. “Come on. Let’s go sit down and talk about this.”
We sat down next to each other around the dining room table. I felt a heaviness in my chest as I watched her somber expression. I wiped the tears from her cheeks and brushed aside the loose strands of hair from her face. It wasn’t until now that I’d noticed the dark circles under her eyes, her pale complexion, and the fear that had become a permanent expression on her face. I wondered how long she’d looked like this and I hadn’t noticed. Have I been so self-absorbed and preoccupied about myself that I didn’t notice until now?
I held her hands between my palms and looked at her. “Take your time and tell me everything. Are they certain it’s cancer?”
She looked downcast as she nodded slowly. “Yeah. After they noticed a lump on my right breast during my annual exam, they did a biopsy. I got it done right before our trip to Italy. The results came back last week, and… They’re certain.”
My chest tightened when I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. I was at a loss for words. I’d never been someone who was comfortable talking about anything that went beyond superficial things, let alone something as serious as what Alexis was facing. She’s pregnant with our child and she has breast cancer. How did this happen?
“How serious is it? What are you planning on doing?” I rubbed her hands and tried to soothe her.
“The doctor said that the good news is that they discovered the tumor early.”
“Baby, that’s great! So you’ll be okay,” I reassured her—and myself. I watched her carefully, trying to figure out from her reactions what were the right words to say.
She nodded and avoided my gaze.
“Alex, what’s wrong? Will the baby be okay?” I held my breath, knowing that there was something else she hadn’t told me.
She gave me a small reassuring smile. “The doctor said that the baby should be fine. The breast cancer shouldn’t harm the baby.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”
I waited for her to continue, but she remained silent.
“So…will you be okay?” My stomach churned as I waited for her to respond.
“The doctor said that there are still some risks involved, but if they remove the tumor cells right away and I go on the proper treatment, our baby and I can go on and live healthy lives.”
My muscles relaxed at this news and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. “That’s wonderful news, babe!”
“But…” She looked up at me, and at seeing the anxiety in her eyes, my muscles instantly tensed back up. “I need to get a mastectomy on my right breast right
away.”
“Mastectomy?”
She glanced at the ceiling, and I could see the tears well up in her eyes. “It means they’re going to remove my entire right breast.” Her voice cracked as she finished her sentence.
“Oh.” I stared at her in shock. She’s losing her right breast? But I love that breast, I automatically thought. I closed my eyes and felt ashamed at myself for being so superficial at a time like this. “Alex, you’ll always be beautiful to me. I’m just glad you’ll be okay and healthy.”
She looked up at me in surprise and wiped away the tears on her face. “Really? I know you love my breasts. You’re really okay with this?”
It was then that I realized why Alexis had been so afraid to tell me about the cancer. I sighed and shook my head. “Alex, come on. Give me some credit. I know that when you met me I was kinda a man-whore.”
“Just kinda?” she snorted.
I laughed. “Okay, you got me. I was a complete man-whore. And I know that I hurt you because I was all about the physical things and you wanted more from me. And frankly, baby, you deserve more. And if I didn’t care about you so much, I would admit to myself that you deserve a whole lot better than me and what I can give you. But I’m fucking selfish, and I want you and need you in my life. And you know? Until now, I was that guy who’d slept with more girls than I can count. I’d slept with more girls more often than—”
“Okay, I get the picture,” Alexis interrupted me.
I saw the impatient look on her face and realized I was rambling. “Oops. Too much? Sorry,” I said sheepishly. It was hard to not boast about my conquests, and I knew this was the last moment I should be doing that.
Alexis rolled her eyes. To my surprise, she didn’t seem angry and she didn’t seem to be readying her hand to slap me. God, she’s fucking awesome and cool like that. I fucking love her.
“Sorry. My point is—I do have a point—when I met you, something changed. I stopped checking out women who would order a drink from me and flirt with me. I stopped thinking about other women. I even stopped rating women when I saw them. When I met you, I realized there was something more beautiful than the physical appearance of a woman. Yes, I do love your breasts, but I love you more.”