I make a concession.
“Look,” I say. ”Not as you wish and not as mine. Okay? I mean… I receive it for now, since it's Christmas. But afterwards I'll give it back to you.”
I can clearly see that he doesn't like that.
“Well…, what would I do with it?” he asks me.
“Well, what would I do with it?” I paraphrase him myself.
In some ways, he understands. That's what I always appreciated him. That in one way or another, he understood.
“You put it a little beside you.” he urges me.
“I think I'm going to do more than that.” I say pretty excited. “Wait here for a moment.”
I take the dress between his fingers and I disappear into the darkness.
Perhaps it would have been better to put the dress on me over all the clothes I wore already. And not necessarily better, but definitely warmer. However, I took off my clothes and I got the dress on me. I just wanted to have a big mirror that I can see myself in it. Because I know, that dress makes anyone, even myself. Suddenly I am eager that Dane sees me.
“Well, what do you think?”
I appear in front of him. The snow falls over my bare shoulders, over my thin, bare arms. I have my sneakers on my feet. My joy is slightly reduced when I see the expression in his eyes. His irises glow yellowish orange, more orange. That light makes me feel bad. It instinctively makes me want to run away.
“Stop looking at me like that!” I yell at him.
He then looks at me with bewilderment.
“Like what?”
“Oh, I cannot stand it when you look at me like that!”
“Like what?” He repeated the question.
“That's it! I do not know how and in what way, but I know I don’t like it!”
“And I ask you ‘like what’?”
“Like... Like... Like… I see sometimes, some students at the school that look this way at some of the girls.”
“And why do you think they look like that at them?”
He speaks softly. His tone is lower and a little hoarse. It makes my heart beat a little faster.
“I... I think they are looking at them to... I think they would do something to them.”
“Something bad?” He insists.
I hesitate a bit.
“Not necessarily bad. But it's a look that I hate. And you... You look at me like that sometimes. I prefer that look of yours as if you're thinking about something tasty to eat. Because there are times when I look at me that way too. I do not like it, but it's better than when you look at me like you do it now.”
He turns his gaze toward me.
“You're very skilled to read people’s eyes.” he says softly.
His tone is thoughtful and gives me the impression that he suffers. This softens me slightly.
“Look, can’t we just no longer arguing over?”
“I'm not the one who argues here. You are the one yelling because you don't like how I look at you.”
“Please, let's change the subject.” I ask him.
He seems to think over for a few moments, but then he denied with a movement of his head.
“No, I don't want to change the subject. First, you got upset when I told you that I think you are beautiful. Now, you mind that I look at you in a certain way. You know what? If you could see yourself as I see you right now, a thin, white creature wrapped in this dress, with snowflakes that sparkle in your hair, with bright eyes arguing with me, you would realize that indeed, you are not only beautiful, you're ravishing!”
I cover my ears with my hands to not to hear him, but he removes my hands by force.
“No, you will listen to everything I have to say! You do not understand how I look at you? I look at you like I want to kiss you, to caress you, to touch you, to walk my hands all over your body and skin...”
“Shut up! Just shut up!” I'm trying to interrupt him.
But he just shook his head and he continued stubbornly.
“You still didn’t get it? I watch you as I desire you, as I'd like to lov …”
He suddenly shut his tirade. He released my hands and he turns away from me. He sighs. Then he talks again.
“I know you don't like it. I often felt it inside of you. That's why you have seen me just looking at you as you say I did. Because sometimes I can hold back, sometimes not. And tonight ... you were too much for me to be able to control it. And let me tell you, that I do control myself a lot when I'm with you.”
/’I didn’t realize then what he wanted to say with that. Later, I understood. But then...’/
Although I do not like to hear him talk like that and that I only half understand what he meant, I realize, however, that he filed an effort. I raise my hand and I put it on his shoulder. It's surprising how high he is, although I'm not quite a dwarf.
“Come on…” I'm trying to joke. “This is all childish. We are like children.”
He turns to face me.
“Neither you, or I, is a child. Or perhaps, in some respects, you are even more child than many children. In others, you are older than the elders. But I... I am no longer a child.”
He gives me a long, deep, sharp glance, from my head to toe.
“See?” he asks me. “I just looked, that's all. Nothing more, nothing dangerous, nothing indecent, nothing.”
“Yes, I know, I just...”
“You just do not like it.”
“Sorry.”
I don't even know why I apologize. I think that I apologize for the pain that I feel he emanated and which I make him feel. He puts his hands in his pockets. The unpleasant silence dissipates with the passing time. Although I wouldn't get off of me that dress for the world, I already froze.
“I will give you the dress back now.” I say slowly.
“But I'd like you to keep it.”
“Believe me,” I smile “you would better preserve it. It would be a shame to destroy it.”
I'm going back to the place where I left my clothes, which now are bark frozen. Then I think of something. Unexpectedly. As a stroke of brilliance. As a lightning strike. Under the impetus of moment which not even under a gun threat I could have ever imagined, I stick my frozen lips to his cheek.
I feel how he stones. First, with frightful rapidity, he catches my arms. It's a split second of hesitation in his gesture, as if he wants to get away from me. Through in his eyes, an orange light goes on, almost incandescent, that scares me. But not enough. When I want to take my lips of his cheek, his face is moving sideways and he sticks his lips to mine. My heart is pounding, and I feel my pulse in my eardrum. Like he would be blown heat in my veins. And under the heavy snow, a poor, thin girl, wearing a princess dress, and shod in sneakers, gets her first kiss, for Christmas.
Perhaps there is some truth in what they say. You know, that this time of Christmas is magical. Perhaps, indeed, wishes come true. Maybe it's our fault we do not have enough courage to make wishes.
Dane's arms hold me, pull me over him. Then he moves his lips in a way as if they sip mine. My lips are frozen. So are his. When ice sticks ice, you know that the harder they stick together, harder they detach. Maybe this is the reason why my mouth straggles from his so difficult.
None of us speaks. While I departed from him to change, I hear him breathing hard, like a man who is very tired, or who has made a very big effort. Yet, when I get back with the dress and put in its box, Dane seems as always.
“Anyway”, I say clearing my throat of embarrassment “thank you.”
“No.” he said, raising a hand to protest. “I came here hoping to give you pleasure, hoping to fulfill your desire. And yet, it was you who made me the best gift ever. If I say it's the most wonderful Christmas of my entire life, you might think I'm lying. But believe me when I tell you it's true.”
I didn't know what to say. I nodded my head in silence. And we've stayed both so, next one to another, watching the water, which twinkled innocently on snowflakes, while, inadvertently or no
t, the back of our hands touched.
Chapter Eight
A couple of days have passed since Christmas. And although I assure you that I actually went mad with boredom, I have not ventured to go to the river. For fear of facing Dane. You know, then, the kiss - accidentally happened, I think - it did not create such an embarrassment. But as time passed, this feeling grew until it got huge proportions. So huge, that the thought of facing Dane fills me with immeasurable embarrassment.
“You really need to wash these…”
My mother's voice is creeping insidiously into my mind. I look at the pile of clothes resentful. Sure! I was expected that sometime to have to go to the river. But I was thinking that more time will pass before that. I sigh. I almost opened my mouth to refuse to do this. I raise my head to my mother and I change my mind instantly. Instead of the original aversion to the idea of going to the river, now I get a feeling of panic. My mother has her face badly drawn. Her eyes were clogged in the orbits. She's all skin and bones. Her skin has a yellowish, deadly pallor. She coughs again. That's a whooping cough that cannot be stopped.
“Would you just stop that noise?”
My dad’s voice is heard, screaming at my mother.
“People are trying to sleep over here!”
My skin crinkles of anger, especially when I saw my mother trying, unsuccessfully, to refrain her cough. The attempt to refrain more, the worse she comes to coughing. Dad roars again.
“Did you hear?”
She's very sick. She should go to the doctor. But we are not among those with insurance. No one will look at her. In the best case, they will not take notice. Worst, they will grimace in disgust and throw us out. I don’t even have to think about pills. For those we need money, and lots of them. I better go do the laundry.
The fear that I would have met Dane diminishes as time passes. Usually, as soon as I got here, he arrives as well. As if he had special radar that would signal my presence. I put the laundry water. Brrr! It's ice cold! It has not snowed since Christmas, but it's a terrible cold. After a few seconds my hands are red. Until I finish up all my clothes, I will definitely freeze. Anyway, I get used to the ice after a few minutes. It'll be worse when my hands will thaw.
“Isn’t that water ice?”
I Jump. It seems that Sky has the same gift to be inaudible.
“Hi to you too." I say. What do you think?”
“After the color your hands are, purple-red, red, I kinda appreciated well. Anyway, my question didn’t expect a response.”
I enjoy his tone, a bit facetious.
“Come on, get out of here.” he tells me when he's next to me.
I have no time to react in any way when he takes the clothes from my hands and he pushes me aside.
“Ouch!”
“Excuse me.” He grins while he deepens his hands in water.” Did I hit you really hard?”
“I think you did make me a bruise.” I blame him, but not angry at all, only embarrassed by what he was doing. ”Would you please, stop, and let me do my job?”
Sky shrugs carelessly.
The water is too cold for you.” he answers.
“And for you is not?”
Sky does not respond, however.
“Hey!” I tone up a little. I can’t be heard on that side?”
Again, no response from him. I muttered loud enough to be heard. He grins, satisfied.
“Get out of here!” I say once again.
I put my hands on his shoulder and I try to push him. It's like pushing a rock. He did not budge. Almost like he doesn’t even feel me.
“Are you on steroids?” I ask. “I can see you have some muscle don’t you?”
“Indeed, don’t I?” he cockers himself.
Unwillingly, I laugh. He finishes washing my stuffs, and then he puts them on a large stone.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I say, quite embarrassed, “but thanks. I hope your hands did not freeze.”
His silence has now a specific meaning that I fail to decipher. I looked questioningly at him.
“Sky?” I stare at his yellow eyes. “What is it?”
“Look…” he says, in a hesitant tone. “You are long enough now around me and Dane as you haven’t realized that we are a little different from other human beings.”
I nodded approvingly. I also knew this was a delicate subject and that he was not willing to talk about it. Of all people, I know best how it feels not wanting to talk about certain things, to want to hide certain things.
“You don't have to tell me anything.” I finally say.” And I do not judge anyone for the lack of humanity. And you don’t lack that.”
The flickering in his eyes brings to gratitude.
“Dane does not lack it either.” he says softly.
Although my pulse began to fret, I admit calmly, nodding.
“I didn’t say he did.”
“But you said nothing about him either.”
I kick my lips, irritated.
“Because we weren’t talking about him.” I said pretty drily.
“The hell we weren’t.” he snapped back at me.
I look surprised at him because he seems quite upset. But I keep my mouth shut. I don’t know what to tell him and I do not want to talk about Dane.
“Look,” he does a little calmer, “Pat, I like you very much.”
He can probably see on my face that I start to freak, as he hastens to continue.
“Whoa, stay still! Do not misunderstand me. I like you a lot, indeed, and if there wouldn’t be other things in the involved, maybe I would like you even more. But that can no longer be.”
I don't understand what he wants to say, but that doesn’t interest me much. Sky continues then.
“What I want to say is that you are something special, something special for me, I swear. But Dane...”
“Let's not talk about Dane, would you?” I say spitefully.” I really appreciate you and care about you in some way, but let's not talk about that anymore, okay?”
“I do not understand you at all!” he tells me angry. “Dane is right about you. You're a really nice comrade, but that’s all you can be. You are very human, but only outside. Inside is cooler than the outer frozen air!”
His words hurt me. And the fact that they are actually Dane’s pains me worse, for a reason that I cannot explain.
“You have no right to talk to me like that!” I blame him.”What do you know? You, who were born with everything, you whom the people have not pointed at. You, whom people have not been reluctant, or disgusted, to whom they didn’t shout insults… What do you? You who don’t know what it is to feel... To feel… hunger, poverty, cold and…”
“Stop!” he yelled at me. “You don't know what you're talking about!”
He's angry and that it is very clear in his eyes.
“People pointed us with their finger, people have avoided us too! As about the hunger… how do you know you don't know it? And perhaps we don't know what poverty means, perhaps we don’t know what cold means, but we also don’t know what warmth feels…”
He suddenly stops. As if he had said too much. But indeed he said enough to milden my heart and to fill my eyes with compassion. Sky deeply breaths, and then he looks at me as if he would make the courage to.
“We're different from the others.” he says more slowly.”And I already mentioned that I know for sure that you noticed it.”
I nod.
“But I could also see that you are not afraid of us.” he resumes with a warmer calmer tone that puts me at peace.
I smile kindly at him.
“Not always. Listen, I repeat, you don't have to tell me anything. It is true that there are plenty of strange things about you, and it's true that sometimes I get the shivers of fear, but that does not mean that I am extremely terrified or something like that. You... You are my friends, and however you might be, are staying my friends.”
His hand grabs mine and he tightens it with gratitude.
&nbs
p; “I’m so glad to hear you saying that. And Dane... Is he your friend too?”
“Of course.” I say puzzled. “Why wouldn't he be?”
I thought that Sky would have wanted to say something more, but he suddenly stops. I see him listening to something. He takes a deep breath as if sniffing. I shudder again, but I try to hide my slight fear. Instinctively, I know he would not do any harm to me.
Did you hear that, Dane? Pat said that you are her friend too. So you could come all by yourself here, instead...”
I do not think I will ever get used to this way of theirs to appear. No sound, like ghosts. But whatever Sky wanted to say, Dane snapped at him.
“Hi, Patricia.” He greeted me afterwards.
“Hey.” I say, without being able to look him in the eye.
I did not even realize when Sky disappeared. Here he was a moment ago, and then, the next moment, he was gone.”
“It’s a good thing Sky he told me with his own mouth that you, guys from your family, you’re kind of weirdoes, because otherwise I thought that I went astray.” I say in a slightly and humorous tone, in a pathetic attempt to loosen the awkward atmosphere. I don't want to look at him. I know that if I would do it, I'd looked down at his lips. And I know that he would notice and I would die of shame.
“So… how are you?”
I glance at him very shortly.
“Actually, I wonder when you are going to look at me.” He answers.
I purse my lips.
“Why we aren’t able to talk like people talk? Why can I speak to Sky, but not with you?”
But don't really expect any response from him, because I am the one answering to that.
“I'll tell you why. For that he doesn’t talk to me as if I were to psychologist. He does not seek to analyze me to the smallest detail. Why you and I aren't talking like two good comrades?”
My tone is pretty wailing.
“Do you want me to apologize for the kiss?”
Even if heaven had fallen on me, I would not have remained so stoned. I sigh very hard and I put my hands to my head helplessly.
“You know what I want? I just want you to shut up your mouth! That's all. Just keep your mouth shut. Is it so hard for you to do that? God have mercy on me! You are phenomenal! As if you read my mind. As you know in advance exactly what I dread to hear you talking, and that's exactly what you're doing. Listen to me; if you don't shut your mouth, I go home. If you can hold your tongue, I might stick around. So what is it going to be?”
The Huntress Book 1 Memories Page 6