by Lesley Crewe
She looked at him under her lashes. “Only pretty good?”
He held his hands up. “I stand corrected. The word I’m looking for is fantastic.”
She picked up another piece of bacon, but instead of eating it, she broke it into pieces. “You probably say that to every girl you’re with.”
He cut his eggs with his fork. “Actually, I don’t.” He shovelled half a fried egg in his mouth and chewed it.
Lexie kept ripping. “How would I know?”
He glanced at her. “I guess you’ll have to trust me.”
She sighed and dropped the bacon. “I don’t know you well enough to trust you.”
He looked exasperated. “You know everything about me. This is it. This is who I am and what I do. It’s as uncomplicated as that.”
“You’re an open book.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
He put his fork down and leaned his elbows on the table. “Lexie, what do you want from me?”
“Nothing.”
“Again, nothing. Are you sure about that?”
She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t tell him she wanted everything.
“Lexie?”
She got up and pushed their breakfast dishes away with one sweep of her arm. He reached out, grabbed her wrist and pulled her on his lap.
She opened her robe. “I want you.”
One night the full moon shone in the window. She could see the black silhouette of a giant fir tree against its ancient light. There was so much beauty in the world, if one took the time to see it. An owl hooted. The wind was still.
Joss lay beside her, propped up on his elbow, looking at her. The moonlight gave his skin a silver glow. He rubbed his thumb back and forth, gently, over her lips. She took his thumb into her mouth and bit it. When he slid it out, she reached for his hand and pressed her palm against his. She entwined her fingers and made their hands one.
“What are we doing?” she whispered.
“Shh.”
She smiled and looked back over his shoulder at the moon. She watched it, as he watched her.
He said, “You’re the one I’ll never forget.”
She pulled him to her and the moon disappeared.
The morning they were leaving, Lexie went to the beach by herself. It was foggy and cold. She heard a foghorn in the distance. It moaned its deep sound and warned the fishermen to take care.
She would miss this beach. This was where she met him. They said their goodbyes the night before. She didn’t let herself feel anything. It was what it was. He told her that right from the beginning, and she believed him. There was no way to end it, so she had to walk away. She knew what she was doing. She was a big girl. And it was worth every moment.
She stared out at the ocean. Mist lay above the waves and made the line between earth and water vanish. It was grey, all of it. No beginning and no end.
She felt his arms go around her waist. He came up behind her in the damp morning air. Somehow it didn’t surprise her, but she stayed focussed. She had to. She didn’t turn around.
He held her. She put her arms over his and pressed his hands against her belly. She would be grateful to him for the rest of her life.
Joss let her go and didn’t look back as he walked to the truck. He got in and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He sighed, reached into his shirt pocket and took out a package of smokes. He lit a cigarette and took a couple of drags, but didn’t make a move to start the engine.
People were milling around packing up. He saw Donalda out of the corner of his eye. She approached the truck and he pretended not to see her. She came up to the window anyway and knocked on it. He had no choice but to roll it down.
“So you’re off?”
“Yes.”
“If you’re ever in town, give me a call. We could have a good time. I’d make it worth your while.”
God. “Take care of Lexie.”
Her face darkened. “Don’t be stupid. Lexie takes care of Lexie. She’ll help herself to someone else’s man before the night is over. Don’t you worry.”
He flicked his butt at her. It didn’t miss by much. He turned the key and threw the truck in gear. His wheels churned up the gravel as he left.
Shit.
Lexie returned to her little house. Everything was wonderfully the same. She was completely different.
She was alive. She was awake, for the first time in her life. The memory of Joss was something she could play like a record, over and over, as she sat by the fire with Sophie. Her evenings weren’t lonely anymore. A real live man had loved her. Not a fantasy. She didn’t have to imagine any more what it was like to be taken. She knew.
Everyone was still distracted by Willie’s death, but they could see the fresh air and sunshine had done her a lot of good. She should have guessed it would be Marlene who’d sniff out the difference.
She sidled up to her one day at work. “You got some, didn’t ya?”
Lexie looked at her. “You bet. And it was fantastic.”
Judy was a little more subtle. “You’re always smiling these days. Did you have a nice time?”
“The very best of my life.”
Judy and Marlene had exactly the same thing to say when she started throwing up every morning in the bathroom at work.
“She is, isn’t she?”
“She sure is.”
Chapter Nine
She knew before she looked at the blue stripe in the plastic gizmo. Sophie sat on the windowsill and watched her. Lexie glanced at her pussycat. Sophie gave her small mew, as if to ask…well, what’s it say?
She sat in the bathroom for a long time. She tried to keep her heart from bursting. She was overjoyed. She floated in the air. Her very own little baby, Joss’s baby. She hugged herself and put her hands on her tummy.
“Oh hello, little darlin’. Mommy loves you so much already.”
Then she burst into tears. She didn’t know how on earth she would tell Beth.
She swore Susie to secrecy. She had to figure out how to break the news to her family.
“What are you going to do?” Susie wanted to know.
She and Sue walked in the mall, shopping for nothing in particular. It was a good way to pace without having to go back and forth too quickly.
“That’s what I want you to tell me. Think of something.”
“They’ll find out this time tomorrow. You’ve put on weight already. Your mom will sign you up for a gym membership before the week is out.”
“Oh, you’re right,” she sighed, “This is hopeless.”
Susie put her hand on her arm. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m really happy for you. This baby’s very lucky to have you for a mom.”
“Thanks, Susie. That means a lot.”
She told her father first. She knocked on his study door.
“Come.”
She stepped inside. “Hi Dad.”
“Princess, how lovely to see you. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
She would ease into it slowly. She rehearsed everything. She’d be calm and rational.
She blubbered instead.
“I’m going to have a baby and I don’t know how to tell Beth!”
She grabbed the Kleenex box on his desk and pulled out twelve sheets. He patiently waited for her to calm down and stop crying. He seemed weary, but he smiled at her.
“Well, now, this is good news for a change. Is it something you’re happy about?”
“Oh Daddy, I’m thrilled. I want this baby. I’ve wanted a baby of my own for so long. I never, ever thought it would happen to me. When I think of it I want to sing to the heavens and tell the whole world, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“You know why. Because of Willie. It will break Beth’s heart if I have a baby now. I can’t be around her. I can’t tell her how happy I am. She’s devastated. I don’t know what to do.” She hiccuped and blew her nose.
He sat for long time. He did
n’t say anything. She wondered if he was disappointed.
“I’m very happy for you Lexie. You’ll make a wonderful mother.” He folded his hands. “Yes, your sister will be upset. Not because she’s not happy for you. She’ll have a hard time dealing with a new baby in the family, that’s all. And we can’t blame her, can we? And you’ll want to brag to your sisters. That’s only natural. We’ll take it one step at a time. Let Beth deal with it however she sees fit. It’s difficult, but not impossible.”
He always knew what to say. She calmed down. He was right. Beth had every right to be sad. She had every right to be happy.
“What about the father?”
“Oh.” Lexie hadn’t thought about what she would say about Joss. She’d been too wrapped up about the baby.
She decided to tell her father the truth. “Actually Dad, he was someone I met on my camping trip. I loved him. He was wonderful. I’m very excited he’s the baby’s father but I’ll never see him again.”
“Doesn’t he have the right to know?”
“I suppose he does. But I don’t know where he is.”
“I see.”
Lexie smiled. “Unless he’s roaring around on a ship that’s being tossed in a howling, icy Alaskan blizzard.”
“Goodness.”
Lexie asked her dad not to tell her mom. She wanted to do it herself, so Lexie invited her mother over for lunch. She made a huge leafy salad and a low cal dessert to make her happy. As she set the table, there was a knock at the door. It opened. “It’s only me.”
“Hi Mom. I’m in the kitchen.”
Lexie heard her talk to Sophie, who had rapidly gained the weight back after her ordeal with her mother. She came into the kitchen and gave Lexie a quick kiss.
“That cat has put all her weight back on, after I tried so hard to get it off.”
“Kids. What can you do?”
“Well, this looks nice.”
“Thank you. Sit down.”
They enjoyed their lunch. Lexie waited until the tea was poured before she launched into her news. A cup of tea was useful for hashing out life’s little dramas. It was something to hang on to.
Mom took her first sip. She smiled. “You look so lovely these days.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“I don’t know, there’s a glow about you.”
Lexie beamed.
Her mother realized what she just said. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
“Oh, Lexie, dear.” She stared at her. “Well, well.”
“Aren’t you happy for me?”
“Well, I don’t know the ins and outs or who the father is or how you’ll support a child on your own. Or for that matter, how we’ll ever tell Beth. But putting all that aside, yes, my love, I’m very happy for you. I can tell you from first-hand experience, there is nothing more wonderful than your first child.”
Lexie blubbered again.
Lexie was at Beth’s. She’d made too much spaghetti sauce the night before and brought the rest over for her sister’s gang. Of course Beth put her to work making the girls’ lunches. Lexie spread peanut butter over eight slices of bread. The big purple pain in a dinosaur suit sang the same banal verse over and over again from the TV in the family room.
Note to self. Get used to it. It’ll be your best friend in two years.
She hollered, “Who wants jelly?”
“I do.”
“I do.”
“I do.”
“Abba Daba do.”
That was Maddie. Lexie put some jam on half in case that meant yes or no.
Lexie heard Beth curse at the washing machine. She pounded back upstairs. “Honestly, I swear I go through a box of Tide every three days. I’m broke.”
“Why don’t you use the cheaper stuff?”
“Because you can’t get the stains out if you use the other kind.”
Note to self. Use Ivory Snow at first, then Tide.
Beth put the laundry basket on the kitchen table and folded a huge mess of underpants alone. She put them in little piles.
“How do you know whose are who’s?”
“I got smart by the time Halley arrived. One colour, one girl.”
“Clever.”
Note to self. Remember that. Wait. Don’t. Not unless I have quadruplets.
She delivered the sandwiches to the girls. They didn’t look at her. They put their hands up and stared at that purple bonehead.
“Thank you.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you.”
“Q.”
Lexie walked back to the kitchen and cleared the mess. She licked great quantities of peanut butter off the knife before she threw it in the sink.
Beth laughed. “Stop that or you’ll be as big as a house. I swear you’ve put on weight since that camping trip. I’m surprised Mom hasn’t been up your nose about it.”
Lexie stood stock-still. She turned around with her hand on her belly. Her face said everything.
Beth understood. She dropped to the kitchen chair and put a pair of Madison’s jumpers over her face and cried her eyes out.
Finally Lexie had to go. She hadn’t fed Sophie since breakfast. She and Beth hashed it out as well as they could. They tried very hard to be kind to each other.
Lexie turned the doorknob. “See ya, then.”
Beth grabbed her in a bear hug. “I’m so happy for you Lexie. No one will make a better mother than you. Please don’t be mad at me if I can’t hold him. Or her. I will one day. I promise.”
Lexie nodded her head furiously and held her back as tight as she could.
She finally felt free. Free to enjoy the next phone call.
“Kate?”
“Hi Lexie! How are you? Daphne and I were just talking about you. Did you make any more of your fabulous rugs?”
“No. Something much better.”
“Really?”
“A baby.”
She heard Kate let out a whoop. “Daphne, come here. Lexie’s having a baby!” Then noise and confusion and Kate babbling over the phone.
Her mind went blank. It was the first time anyone said it other than her. It felt incredible. She finally believed it.
Lexie’s having a baby.
You’d think no one in the world had had one before. She was completely in her own universe. Her little house, her not-so-little cat, her little baby and her.
She rubbed her rapidly growing tummy while she played classical music. She sang lullabies as a hobby. She ate healthy food, stayed away from alcohol, and ran if a smoker came near her. She took care of her baby girl. And she was a girl. She knew it.
Wasn’t it amazing, she told herself? She was a mother now. She just knew these things. She was in the club. She didn’t need an ultrasound to tell her anything. And to think, she knew all this before she even felt the baby move. When that moment happened she was in the tub. She browsed through her Dr. Spock manual as she soaked in a hot bubble bath. At first she thought she was hungry. Then something told her to pay attention. There it was, a flutter, as soft as silk. Her daughter let her know she was there. Lexie laid her head on the curve of the tub and knew happiness as a physical thing.
Her life was now lived inside and out. She was as aware of one as she was the other. For her, pregnancy was to float in the ocean and feel the sun beat down on her body but savour the cold wet of her skin underneath. Two worlds lived in tandem, two hearts beating as one.
Her poor family was kind to her. They listened, nodded and agreed with everything she said. Kate was especially nice. She let Lexie call collect, since she couldn’t afford to phone every day. It seemed to evolve that she and Beth stayed away from each other most of the time. Beth was nice when Lexie called, always asked how she was. Lexie said fine and Beth asked no more.
She helped Beth. She and her mom would often take one or two of the girls on the weekends to give Beth a little break. Mom collected the girls at the door. Lexie stayed in the car. Beth waved from
the doorway.
One day Lexie had to go inside. They dropped the girls off and her little monkey chose that particular moment to amuse herself with good kick to the bladder. Mom told her not to be so foolish, to go in the house and use the washroom. Beth said the same thing but she busied herself wiping counters.
Lexie went back into the kitchen and sat for a moment to wait for Mom put on her coat. Brit came up to her. “Can I feel your baby, Auntie Lexie?”
What could she say?
“Of course, sweetheart.” She did and Brit’s eyes got big.
“Mommy, come and feel the baby. It kicked me.”
Beth still had her back turned. “That’s okay, honey. I’ll feel it another time.”
Lexie felt awful.
Brittany patted her tummy. “Poor little baby. I hope you don’t die too.”
Lexie lay awake that night and thought of nothing else. In all her excitement, she just assumed everything would be fine. It had to be. She couldn’t live if something happened to her little girl. She’d die.
Surely Sudden Infant Death wouldn’t strike twice? Not in the same family? She shuddered. But deep in her heart, Lexie knew it wouldn’t happen. She’d be strong, like her Daddy. And that’s when the baby’s name came to her. Jocelyn. Joce for short. Joss.
Lexie and Susie worked on their baby projects in the evening in front of the fire. They knit jumpers and sweaters and hats. Lexie made a quilt for the crib, as well as bumper pads to protect the baby’s head and even flannel sheets.
Lexie looked over at Sue one night, working so diligently on her behalf, stitching the seam of a receiving blanket.
“Susie?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you like to be Jocelyn’s godmother?”
Susie’s head flew up and she held the blanket to her chest. “Really? Me?”
“Of course you.”
“But what about your sisters?”
“You’re the only one who ever met Joss. It would mean a lot to me.”
She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. “I’d love to. More then anything.”
“Thank you for sharing this with me.”