by Lesley Crewe
The day he finally found her was both the happiest and saddest day of his life. He entered the orphanage and was greeted by one of the sisters who pointed to a file on the desk. She had a thick stack. There were so many orphans. But only one “file” was called Binti.
He found her all alone in a small crib at the back of a room crowded with cribs. Flies landed her head. It was hot. She wore a diaper, that was all. She looked just like her mother. She watched him with her big, sad brown eyes, and he thought his heart would stop.
“It’s all right Binti. I’ve come for you.”
The sister said not to pick her up right away, she’d be frightened, but when Adrian held out his arms to her, she held out hers, too. He picked her up and she put her head against his shoulder with a small sigh, as if to say, what took you so long?
It took him forever to get official permission to adopt her and take her out of Tanzania. For the first time in his life, he used his father’s connections—and was grateful for them.
To bring Binti home to his mother was the best medicine for them both. She helped him. His father did too. They had no grandchildren, so they were more than ready to welcome a child into their lives. And more than ready to help Adrian heal his broken heart.
Adrian’s mother appeared in the doorway, wearing her bathrobe.
“Is she all right?”
“Yes, she’s fine, Mother. Don’t worry. I’ll stay with her, you go back to bed.”
She whispered, “I’m awake now.” She came in and sat on the rocking chair by Binti’s bed. “It’s almost four. That’s very good. Soon she’ll be sleeping through the night.”
Adrian nodded. They sat quietly for the next few minutes, as Binti’s eyes slowly closed, despite her attempts to keep them open.
“Adrian?”
“Yes?”
“Is anything the matter?”
“No. Other than this upset every night.”
“May I speak frankly?”
“Of course.”
“I know the past few years have been difficult, more difficult than you probably let on. And you’ve done such a marvellous job with Binti, but there’s something else.”
He waited.
“It’s very evident to me that you’re pining away. For something or someone.”
Adrian looked away.
“Someone other then Binti’s mother. Am I right?”
“I can’t talk about it, Mother.”
“It’s this girl from Cape Breton, isn’t it? Lexie. The one who was so kind to you.”
He chewed his bottom lip and looked at the floor.
“You said she understood your having to go back to Africa and find Binti. Now that things are settling down a bit, why don’t you give her a call? I’m sure she’d love to hear from you. I’m surprised you never contacted her when you got home, but then again, you’ve been so wrapped up with our precious girl.”
“As you say, I’ve had other things on my mind.”
“You’re still a young man. You should be living a young man’s life. The worst is over for Binti. She’s progressing and your need to hover over her is lessening. Do yourself a favour, dear, and start being happy. For her sake, as well as your own.”
His mother rose from the rocking chair and caressed his cheek for a moment, then leaned over and kissed the top of Binti’s head. She left the room quietly.
Adrian sat and rocked his child, tears falling from his eyes. What a mess he’d made of his life. Hearing Gabby’s voice on the phone was an utter shock. She was a secret he shared with no one. Lying to his mother about Lexie, listening to her try and fathom his misery without knowing the truth, made him sick.
He wasn’t sorry he left Gabby to get Binti, but he was sorry about the way he left. He should have trusted her—she might have understood. But Adrian couldn’t think clearly back then. He was so racked with guilt that coloured everything. He handled it all the wrong way and that was his biggest regret. Now he was desolate. Gabby was in love with someone else, and it was his own fault.
And so, night after night, as he came in to rock Binti to sleep, he thought about her. And night after night, another thought made its way in. So slowly at first he didn’t recognize it, but it soon took over the memories of Gabby.
Lexie.
Lexie and that island and that house. The place where he was finally able to rest. The place where he stopped running for awhile.
Gabby said Lexie loved him still. He didn’t know she loved him, not for sure. The thought of her waiting for him filled him with longing. He loved Lexie first. Who wouldn’t love her? He wondered if she’d take him back. Maybe he could start over in that wonderful little house by the ocean.
Lexie. I want to come home.
“Lexie, you look so much better,” Susie said, as she and Lexie washed dishes after dinner while Ernie showed Josh the new critters.
Lexie dried the forks. “I feel really good, which is something I didn’t think I’d say too long ago.”
She put them in the cutlery drawer and grabbed a plate. “And get this—I may even go out on a date. It’s time I got back in the saddle, don’t you think?”
“Well dear, they’ll ride you off into the sunset before too long. You are lookin’ pretty fine, as they say.”
“I am, aren’t I? I may give Gabby a run for her money.”
Lexie spent the next morning at the library, looking after the “orphans”—books abandoned on any old shelve. Despite pleas to leave them alone and let the librarians put them back correctly, people insisted on shoving them in any available space they could find. It drove Lexie nuts. As she muttered under her breath, she heard Marlene and Judy talking in the next aisle.
Marlene cracked her gum mile a minute. “Lexie will be an old maid if she’s not careful. She must think she’s the queen of Sheba or something.”
“Hardly,” Judy replied. “She is pretty fussy though. Remember that poor fellow who only used the hurricane stuff as an excuse to talk to her. He was pretty cute.”
“It don’t seem to matter if they’re good, bad or ugly. She snubs them all.”
Judy corrected her grammar. “Doesn’t.”
“Does too.”
Lexie called Susie the next weekend. She asked her if she’d set her up with one of those bowling ball buddies of hers.
“I’m glad to hear it!”
“We could go out on a double date. That way it won’t seem so awkward.”
“Sure, anything you want. I’ll call and make the arrangements and let you know where and when. Good for you kid, it’s about time you came out of your shell.”
“Yes. I think it’s time.”
Lexie ran into Donalda at the grocery store one day. She hadn’t seen much of Donalda lately, preferring to be home with Josh in the evening. Donalda looked her up and down. “So. They told me you lost weight. What plan were you on?”
“The nervous breakdown diet.” She didn’t know why she was always so mean to Donalda. The woman just rubbed her the wrong way.
Donalda nodded. “Right. I know that one. You get on the scale and collapse with fright.”
Lexie smiled. “So, what’s new with you?” She might as well talk. There were five people in front of her.
“Oh, this and that. I’m at the theatre pretty much every night. There’s nothing else to do. You’d know about that. At least I’m not the only one on the shelf.”
This broad’s an idiot. “Well, as a matter of fact, I have a date on Saturday night with someone called…um…?”
“Who?”
“I don’t know. Just some guy.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, somewhere.”
“You sound like you’re looking forward to it. Don’t overwhelm him with your enthusiasm.”
Lexie put on her lipstick in front of the bathroom mirror as she tried to remember why she thought a blind date was a good idea. She grabbed her purse and went downstairs to sit with her mother.
Mom smiled at her. “You look like you’re about to be tarred and feathered.”
“I do? I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, my dear, your body language tells me everything I need to know about how you feel about this evening.”
“It does not! I don’t enjoy blind dates, that’s all.”
“Then why in heaven’s name did you ask Susie to set you up?”
“I have no clue.”
“Lexie, dear. You need to figure out if this is how you want to live your life.”
Lexie put her head back on the edge of the chair and looked at the ceiling. “You’re right.”
“Why do you wait for a man who in all probability won’t come back to you?”
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I don’t think anyone will ever love me.”
“Where did you ever get the idea you’re not worthy of someone’s love?”
She stopped looking at the ceiling and looked at her mother instead. “I wonder.”
“Lexie. I know I made mistakes when it came to your weight. I’ve apologized for that. I can’t go back and erase it. But you can’t use that as an excuse for everything.”
Lexie picked at an edge of her fingernail.
“I used to get after your sisters too. Maybe you didn’t notice, you were so busy being offended. Beth can tell you. I always told her she had a big mouth and a temper. I lived in fear Gabby would come home pregnant. And well, you know what I did to Kate. She says I ignored her whole life.”
Mom slapped her magazine shut. “Being a mother is bloody difficult. You want your kids to be perfect. You want them to be better—better than you.”
She shook her head as if she couldn’t believe what she’d done. “What an incredible waste of time and energy. Unfortunately, you don’t learn that until you’re old and grey.”
Lexie said, “It’s just as well you did harangue me. I can’t seem to make a decision about anything. I’m a classic ditherer.”
She smiled at her. “You were quite fearless at one point in your life.”
“I was?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“When you decided you wanted a baby. You weren’t married, you knew the father had no intention of staying with you, you didn’t make a lot of money, but you did it anyway. That’s brave. You jumped off a cliff that night.” She leaned towards her. “And are you sorry? I don’t think so. You have the sweetest child who ever drew breath. You can’t imagine your life without him.”
She leaned back, satisfied she’d made her point. “That’s what happens when you take a chance. You need to stay brave.”
Lexie started to smile. “I never thought of it that way. You’re right Mom. I’m not a complete failure.”
“Who called you a failure?”
“I did.”
“Well, give yourself a big slap for being so stupid and move on.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“You’re very welcome. Now you better go and get this evening over with.”
“Oh God, that’s right. I have to bowl! What was I thinking?”
Mom flipped her magazine open again. “You haven’t done a lot of thinking for quite some time now. Ta Ta. Have a great time.”
She started to read, so Lexie had no choice. She dragged herself outside and drove off.
She saw them as soon as she arrived. Susie waved and beckoned her over. Lexie looked at her date. He was a man. That was about all that registered. She hung up her coat and walked over.
“Lexie, I’m so glad you’re here,” Susie smiled. “I want you to meet our friend. This is Ronald. Ronald MacDonald. Ronnie, this is Lexie.”
Ronald MacDonald stood and shook her hand. Lexie tried to keep a straight face. She hated that idiotic clown of fast food fame almost as much as she hated the purple thing.
“It’s so nice to meet you, Lexie.” He seemed pleasant. She greeted Ernie and they sat down to their meal.
Lexie asked Ernie about his animals. Susie asked her about Joshua. Lexie asked Ronnie what he did for a living. He said he sold life insurance.
Susie said quickly, “Let’s look at the menu, shall we?”
After awhile, Lexie tried to follow the conversation and smile every so often, but her mind wandered back to the conversation with Mom. Lexie needed to be brave, she said. Brave how? Wasn’t it brave not to settle for less, not to settle at all? Wasn’t it brave to go it alone if she had too? She had her home, her son and her job. Why did she need a man, any man, to complete the package? Who was she fooling? She didn’t want to be here.
“Lexie?” Susan looked at her questioningly.
“Yes. Sorry. You were saying?”
Her date smiled at her. “I said, it must be quite interesting to work in a library.”
“Actually, it’s a downright bore most of the time.”
“Why did you get into it then?”
She noticed he had a piece of goop at the corner of his mouth. She tried not to look at it as she answered him. “Well, I always loved that pencil with the little stamp fastened to the top, that showed the date. It was my ambition in life to use one.”
Ronnie looked like he needed a drink. “How fascinating.”
Susie gave her the hairy eyeball. Lexie shrugged.
“I must go powder my nose. Lex?”
Lexie sorted the olives to one side of her Greek salad.
“Lexie.”
She startled her. “What?”
Susie smiled benevolently. “Do you have to powder your nose?”
“No. Yes.” Lexie followed her into the bathroom.
Susie slammed her purse on the counter. “What in God’s name is wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re clearly somewhere else this evening.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Well, you’re as high as a kite, then.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
Susie seemed exasperated. “That’s the only explanation I can think of. I mean, for God’s sake, you went to university so you could use a pencil with a whatsis on it? Ronnie will think you’re a nut.”
“What do I care what he thinks?”
“I thought the whole idea of this date was for you to meet men, and actually try to impress them. To get them to ask you out again some time in the near future,” she hollered. “At this rate, Ronnie will hightail it out of here like a scalded cat.”
“Why? Because I told him about a pencil? It happens to be the God’s honest truth. That is why I wanted to become a librarian. What’s wrong with that? Why do I have to change what I think for someone else’s gratification? If he doesn’t like my answer, he can go blow.”
Susie looked at her with resignation. “You don’t want to be on this date, do you? Your heart isn’t in it.”
Lexie’s eyes watered. “Well, do you blame me? Good grief, his name is Ronald MacDonald! I keep picturing him with big floppy feet. And now I have to go bowling on top of it.”
She pulled off a piece of paper towelling and tried to blow her nose, but it was too stiff. She reached for toilet paper instead.
“What am I going to do with you?”
Lexie sniffed. “Tell him I had the flying axe handles and had to go home.”
“The what?”
“The runs…the trots…oh forget it.” She dismissed Susie with a wave of her wrist. “Let’s just go and get this stupid evening over with.”
Susie grabbed her purse. “That’s the attitude.”
They went bowling and it was everything she imagined. They knew how to bowl. She didn’t. She didn’t understand how the scoring went. She didn’t understand how to position her feet. She worried about having to disinfect her hands and feet when she got home. She could see Ronnie look at his watch.
Just when Lexie thought she’d scream, Susie let out an exaggerated yawn and said she hated to be a party pooper, but
she had an early day tomorrow. Ronnie asked if Lexie needed a drive home. She thanked him but declined. He looked relieved.
Lexie kissed Ernie goodbye and then grabbed Susie in a bear hug and whispered, “Thank you.”
Susie whispered back, “I figured you suffered enough for one night.”
Mom was in the same spot when Lexie got back.
“How did it go?”
Lexie threw herself in her old armchair and hung her arms out at her sides. “He was a clown, there were too many olives in my salad and I hate bowling.”
“That good?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fine,” Mom said. “I better go.”
“I think Susie’s fed up with me.”
“Do you blame her?”
“No,” Lexie sighed. “I drive her crazy.”
“You’re good at that.”
“At least I’m good at something.”
Joss laughed into the phone. One of his clients had just told him a dirty joke. The guy never ran out of them. Joss laughed at that as much as the joke itself.
The girl who answered their phones put her head in his office doorway. She didn’t bother him often, so he looked up right away.
“I’m sorry, Mr. MacGregor. Your mother’s on line two and she says it’s important.”
“Gotta run, Harvey.” Joss hung up and pressed a button.
“Ma?”
“Joss dear?”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s your Da.”
“What happened?” This was serious. She never called him at the office.
She sounded like she was crying. “Da broke his hip. He fell on the boat. I knew this would happen.”
“It’s all right. I’ll be on the first plane home.”
“No dear, don’t do that. Your brothers will take care of things. I just wanted you to know.”
“Ma, listen to me. They have their own boats to take care of. Da can’t lose his license. I won’t allow it. I’ll be home as soon as I wrap up things here.”
The sound of relief in her voice was obvious. “Thank you Joss. What would we ever do without you?”
Lexie took Josh out of his car seat. Mom said he didn’t have a nap, so she was assured of a good night’s sleep. At least she hoped so. Josh ran ahead and scampered up the porch steps.