by Marnie Cate
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
A shadow fell over the bench and I stopped reading. Jack’s husky voice began to read the rest of the sonnet:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
"Why are you here, Jack?" I asked without looking at him.
"Caitlyn, you were not brought her to be saved, but you're here for a reason. My mother loves you. You’ve been so wonderful for her…giving her the ability to tell her story…to share her life. I appreciate the gift you have given her…have given me. I don't think anyone else would understand her story like you do."
"Jack, why do you even care about me?" I demanded, finally facing him. "Do you want to fuck me, right now and here, and move on?"
"You know that is not what I want. If I wanted that from you, I would have not stopped us the night in the car."
"Right, the night I threw myself at you. I am damaged," I screamed. "You don't want someone like me. You don't know what I have done. You don't know what he did –," I collapsed with those words.
"You really don't think you deserve to be loved, do you?" He wrapped his arms around me and caressed my cheek. "Caitlyn, why wouldn't I want you? Why wouldn't I care about you? Why would I not long to be a part of your life? Ever since that first night, when we had dinner together, I’ve kicked myself daily for not telling you to stay with me. I let you walk away, telling you I would see you again. I promised myself the next time I saw you, I was going to show you what it was like to be loved – truly, deeply loved."
"Jack, you don't know the things I’ve done...what I let happen."
"I don't care what you’ve done."
"I’ve done horrible, unforgivable things."
"I don't believe that."
"If you only knew the things I did. What I put myself through to leave that marriage…I was too full of spite to just walk away. I had to destroy lives on the way out."
"But, you left him. Caitlyn, I can't pretend I know our future. I won't lie to you and say we’ll date, and in five months, I’ll get down on my knees and beg you to marry me. I don't know if that will happen in the future. I don't know if you’re ready to be loved like I want to love you. For this moment, right now, I want you to take a chance and open your heart to me. Can you trust me? I need you to know my intentions are genuine...that I just really need to get to know the woman you are. Not the one you think you have become."
"You…don't…know…me. I’m used. Damaged. I’m no good for you…for anyone. Go find a nice woman, who isn’t broken," I yelled. I ran from him not knowing where I was going.
Blinded by the tears and the snow, I heard him call after me. "Caitlyn, don't run that way. It’s cold out here."
The snow became so thick I couldn't see more than a foot ahead of me. My chest burned from the run…from the frigid air. Falling to the ground, I began to cry and soon, it turned into deep sobs. Wails of pain.
It’s time to give up. Stop fighting to hang on. You are not fixable, the small voice in my mind taunted.
"You're right," I whispered and collapsed.
Thirty
Waking, I didn't know where I was. Jack sat on a chair next to the bed, snoring softly. Looking around at the rich blue hues, from the comforter over me to the curtains, and the walls covered with pictures of Jack and Vivian, I guessed I was in his room.
"You’re finally awake," Jack said in a sleepy voice. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he cupped my face. "You gave me such a scare, Caitlyn."
"I don't know why I keep doing things to hurt everyone, myself included," I said, tears falling from my eyes.
"Don't cry, love," Jack urged, hugging me. "We’re going to take this slow, Caitlyn, and every day, I’m going to show you what it means to be loved."
He kissed me softly and a need to be closer to him rose inside me. I crushed my lips to his, running my fingers through his hair. Sliding under the blankets with me, Jack embraced me and continued to kiss me…so tenderly.
My hand under his shirt, the hardness of his ab muscles and tight chest left me aching with need. I pulled the button to his jeans and he took my hands in his.
He pressed his mouth to my ear. "Just kiss me. Connect with me. What you’re reaching for isn't what you want. Let me love you, Caitlyn. I want to show you want it’s like to be loved and respected."
"I don't understand you, Jack. You obviously changed me out of my wet clothes," I said defensively. The situation angered me. Once again, I felt rejected. Once again, unconscious, I had been manhandled.
"Thomas and Jacob changed you," he said. "I meant it when I said I want to take this slow, showing you what it means to be loved. When it’s the right time, we’ll know it. Until then, can't you just trust me?"
"There’s nothing wrong with two consenting adults enjoying each other. I don't understand why you keep rejecting me."
"Really search inside yourself. Is that what you want? You’re right. There’s nothing wrong with us making love, but I feel you’re doing it out of fear. Let me hold you. Let go of your fears." He pulled me back into his arms and held me tighter.
"I was hurt before by Christopher Ross," I murmured.
He didn't ask me questions. He just held me tighter, "I won't let him hurt you again," he promised.
Lying in his arms, his words played in my head and I knew he was right. I had gone to the place I knew well and controlled. My only bit of power in my marriage. I was afraid I would never be able to love anyone. I am broken. I don’t know if I can be fixed, but this isn’t the way to do it. Love isn’t about control or power.
That night, Jack and I feel asleep in each other's arms. I wanted to tell him everything. Confess my fears, but he had been right. I needed to figure out what I wanted, not what I thought was expected of me, before I could move on.
The next morning, I left the bed before Jack woke. I didn’t have time to worry about our relationship. Whatever the future held, or even what I needed to fix within myself, wasn't going to happen overnight. Jack never said I was broken, but he should have. The past year had been full of lies, deceit, and revenge. All of it had changed me. It made me cold. The need to win drove my actions.
If I had made love to Jack last night, it would have been another way for me to get the control I longed for. In the end, it would have given him the power to control me. I wanted to have love, like the kind they wrote about in books. Not the kind where one or both of us ended up dead, but rather, I wanted to explore what Jack and I could be.
"Those look really good, sweetie." Vivian admired the plate of appetizers I made. "See, you’re quite the cook."
"I know my way around the kitchen, but I am not much of a baker."
"Well, that’s not true. Look at what we made together."
"Under your very careful guidance." I laughed.
"Are we good now?" she asked. "Are you ok?"
"I will be. Thank you for forgiving me for my outburst."
"It happens to the best of us," she said.
"I saw the bench. I didn't know you liked Shakespeare. Is there a story behind it?"
"It was a gift from my Jackson. He was the true Shakespeare fan. I can still hear him reciting the sonnets to me," she said wistfully. Taking my hand, she continued, "Once upon a time, I needed to be saved from myself, Caitlyn. I was a lot like you. Then, I met Jackson and he taught me what love meant. My time with him was brief. Maybe he would have ended up in my collection of yester-husbands, but I like to think it wouldn't have turned out that way."
"But, you have Ben now."
"I do have Ben," she said, her eyes brightening, partly from the tears that welled in them as she spoke about Jackson and partly from her love for Ben.
"Why didn’t you marry?"
"Who says we didn't?" Vivian asked.
"You did?” I gasped in disbelief. “Does
Jack know?"
"I can’t give away the ending quite yet." Picking up the platter, she avoided my questions. With a wink, she said, "Let's get these out to our guests."
Everyone being here to celebrate Thanksgiving felt right, surrounded by people who didn't expect me to be anything. I wasn't the trophy wife or the perfect woman. I was just Caitlyn Chase – a work in progress. I was thankful for the places I had been and the places I would be going.
Thirty-one
Jack kept his word and he went slowly. He showed me so many things I never thought I would experience in my lifetime. Exploring nature and learning to fish were things I never imagined I would have tried. He showed me the world was big, and I needed to see all of it. I wanted nothing more than to see it all with him by my side.
With time, I grew stronger. Slowly, I began to open up. I told him about the abuse I endured while drugged. In a way, I was glad Christopher was dead. The furor in Jack's eyes told me he would have made sure no one else was ever hurt by him. My confession about my revenge plan in regard to Jeremy was received differently. Jack laughed when I told him how far I went and even asked if he could meet Justice.
We celebrated Christmas and rang in the New Year together. Jack treated me like I was special and important. He taught me there was no rush. Our relationship was in the moment. No past. No future. Just the now.
"You're going to be late," my mother called, interrupting my reverie.
"Oh, we don't have set plans. Do I look ok?" I asked.
"Beautiful. I am proud of you, Caitlyn.” She sat on the edge of the tub while I finished applying my makeup. "I've wanted to talk to you. I think I’m ready to go home."
"But, you love it here. You’ve made a home here.”
"I do love it here, and being with you, but I think I’ve become too comfortable. It’s easy to get lost in Viv's sanctuary. I have commitments in San Diego. I feel, during this time, I’ve also grown. Honey, I know I wasn't a good example of how to be a confident woman or wife."
"That’s not true," I denied. Setting my mascara on the vanity, I sat down next to her. Anger filled me. Even from the grave, my father is still convincing her she was at fault.
"Let me finish,” she demanded gently. "I wasn't. After your father died, you found out about his affairs and I didn't say anything. I sat back as he told me, over and over, he would change. Maybe that is why you didn’t tell me about Christopher."
"No," I gasped. "I couldn't. I –"
"I knew the day after you came home that something horrible had happened. I was too afraid to ask, to make you tell me. When I sent Nick to help you, I had no idea how badly you had been hurt. When I saw the newspaper, I understood everything. If he wasn't already dead, I would have found and killed him myself." Her eyes blazed with anger and she slammed her clenched fist into her leg.
"Maybe that’s why you ended up with Jeremy. They say some women end up marrying their fathers, and I think we both did. I'm glad you’re stopping the cycle. You have Jack now, and he’s nothing like Jeremy or your father."
"I don't quite have him yet," I said with a smile, "but I’m enjoying the time we spend together. He is a good man."
Relief flooded me. The secret I had been carrying was finally lifted. I hadn't realized how important it was for my mother to know what happened to me. If only I purged these demons years ago.
Hugging me, she said, "Ok, you better finish getting ready. I love you, Caitlyn."
"I love you, too," I said, hugging her tighter.
"Where are you going tonight? Anywhere special?" my mother asked.
"Jack’s taking me by helicopter to a restaurant, and to see the areas of Montana I missed from the ground," I answered.
"Well, that sounds exciting. I’ll expect an update tomorrow." My mother kissed me on the forehead.
"I am going to miss you, Mom."
"I won't be far, honey. I’ll be an airplane ride away," she said. "Lucky we know a pilot."
Examining my reflection, I realized I chose the dress I wore the first time I met Jack. I smiled, remembering the dinner we shared. That woman wasn't here anymore, and the dress didn't define me.
When Thomas left, he told me I had a choice: to be happy or miserable. I knew he would be pleased to see I had chosen to be happy. Finally ready, I went downstairs to where Jack was waiting for me. No matter how many times I saw him, my heart always skipped a beat.
"You look beautiful." His voice was husky and seductive.
"And, you're as handsome as usual," I said softly.
Smiling, he said, "Are you ready?"
"I am. Am I overdressed?" I asked nervously.
"You look perfect."
"This will be my first helicopter ride. Did you know that?"
"I didn’t. So, I’ll have to make it special.”
"You being there makes it special enough, Jack."
My nerves settled as the helicopter lifted. I felt safe with Jack as he flew us above a range of mountains that seemed endless. When we reached a flat area on the top of the mountain, he hovered over a log cabin.
"This was my father's cabin. I would love to show you his favorite hideaway," Jack explained.
"I would love to see it," I said.
Jack lowered the helicopter. When it touched the ground, we waited in silence as the blades slowed, and then were still.
"Will we miss our reservation?"
"No, I accounted for stopping here."
The cabin was nothing spectacular. It looked like the kind of hunting lodge you would see in movies. On the porch, there was a wooden bench with ‘Her passions are made of nothing, but the finest part of pure love’ carved on the seat.
"Your father did love Shakespeare. This was from Antony and Cleopatra." I traced the words, taking in the romance of them.
"Did you hear that?" Jack frowned. "Stay here. I need to check it out."
"Shouldn't I come with you?"
"No, it might be a raccoon. I’ll check and come back for you," Jack said, mumbling about the pain in the ass rodents.
Sitting on the bench, I stared into the snowy distance. "Jack, I’m getting cold."
Not hearing an answer, I decided to find him. I slowly opened the door, expecting the worst. Instead of a destroyed cabin, there was a row of tea lights lining the floor. I followed the trail to a heart made from more candles. Standing next to a candlelit table, Jack beamed at me. He was holding a bouquet of flowers. Not roses, but gorgeous, meaningful daisies.
He held out the flowers and kissed me gently on the cheek, then pulled out a chair. My place setting had a bowl of red soup with a white heart made from cream. Popping the cork on a champagne bottle, he poured me a glass, and then one for himself.
Sitting down, we toasted.
"To us," he said softly.
I took a slow sip of the bubbly drink and stared into his silver eyes, eyes that always held so much love and affection for me. "How did you do all of this?" I asked.
Jack just grinned at me before his eyes narrowed. "Caitlyn, we’ve spent time together and I couldn’t be more delighted to see the person you’re growing in to. You’re getting stronger each day. I once told you I couldn't promise we would take this relationship to another level." He stood. "But, I've been thinking hard about us. If I am reading things correctly, we have reached the end of the line."
Is he breaking up with me over champagne and a candlelit dinner?
Kneeling before me, he reached into his pocket. "Caitlyn, it’s time to start a new chapter. I know this is quick, but I want to be with you every day for as long as I’m still breathing. I can't imagine a world without you by my side."
He opened a box that held a yellow cut diamond encircled by beaded diamonds. "Caitlyn Chase, I want you to be my forever. I want to be the man you love for the rest of your life. Will you marry me?"
I stared at the ring, my eyes welling with tears. "No," I murmured.
Jack was on bended knee before me. A moment I had longed for…hoped for an
d the only word I could say was no?
"I understand," he said, beginning to stand.
Pushing my chair back, I knelt in front of him. "No, I don't mean, ‘no, I won't marry you’. Yes, Jack, I'll marry you."
"Why did you say no?" he asked.
"I was tongue tied. Ask me again, I’ll do it right this time."
"You did it perfectly the first time, Caitlyn." He slipped the ring onto my finger, and then kissed my hand. "I want to apologize you’re not having the fancy meal I promised."
I took his face in my hands and kissed him. He returned my kiss with a soft, slow, breath-stealing one. A warm feeling grew inside me.
Whispering between kisses, I said, "I want you, Jack. I want you to show me what love is."
Scooping me up in his arms, he set me down and began to blow out the candles.
Laughing, I helped. "Always the safety man."
When he blew out the last flame, he picked me back up and kissed me. "I promise you will always know you’re loved."
In a log cabin high on a mountain in the middle of Montana, for the first time in my life, I found out what it truly meant to not only be made love to but to be loved.
Epilogue
"Grammie, Grammie, we are home!" the small boy yelled, running into the kitchen.
Picking the child up, Vivian said in a singsong voice, "Oh, my sweet Jackson, I’ve been waiting for you."
"Do I have a surprise?" Jackson asked. His eyes grew wide in anticipation.
"What do you want the most for your birthday?" Vivian asked.
"A pony?"
"Besides a pony," she said, grinning.
"Chocolate chip cookies?"
She set him down and handed him a plate of small cookies, then said, "Of course."
"He’s going to have a sweet tooth, like his father, if we are not careful." I laughed.
Vivian patted Jackson on the head. "Why don't you go sit with Grampie."
"Come sit with me, boy, and we can share your cookies," Ben said, pouring two glasses of milk.