And then the body began to move. It did it suddenly. A stiffening, and then a squirming - as though it had been invaded by a monster. And, of course, it had been. And now the monster was in full control. It was testing its new body, pushing its chest against its bindings, flexing its arms within their shackles, straining its every muscle as it raged against its prison.
'Let me out!' it screamed. 'Let me out or I'll fuckin' kill you. And now - or you're fuckin' dead!'
And now Madeleine began to grin. This might be quite fun… And she hadn't even inspected her new body yet! As far as Madeleine could tell, she simply hadn't noticed, not even its lower-pitched voice.
'You cow!' continued the tenant. 'You stupid fuckin' cow! What the fuck do you think you're doing?'
Madeleine continued to observe in silence.
'Are you fuckin' deaf? Am I talking to myself? Look, get me… get me…'
And the stream of filth had spluttered to a stop. Because to deliver this last mouthful of excrement, Bessie had raised her head. And in doing so, she must have caught sight of her chest. More precisely she must have caught sight of the absence of her chest, that barrage of bosom that lived 'neath her chin.
It was probably quite a shock.
Now she was inspecting her hands.
'Uhm…,' thought Madeleine, 'that must be where one's identity lies. After all, they're familiar, aren't they? They're always on view. And they're a reassurance that you're you. But not, of course, if they're somebody else's. And Bessie must have gathered by now that she's never in her life owned such handsome hannies as these two here. Renton's hands were as slim and as well formed as her own were pudgy and ugly. So she's bound to know now. She must understand…'
'Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrhhhhhhh!' she erupted like a maniac. And then, as if to reinforce the point, she uttered the same observation again. Only this time it was even louder - and it was followed by a weird, gobbling sort of sound.
This seemed like a good time to Madeleine to engage her in some matey conversation. And she'd start by educating her on the nature of her situation - and on that particular aspect of it that was causing her so much distress.
So she did.
'Hello, Mrs Broperhoperen,' she began. 'And welcome to my boyfriend's body. And I must say, I've never seen you looking better.'
Bessie gurgled in response.
'We haven't much time. So let me just explain what's happening.'
More gurgles.
'You see, my dear, my partner, Mr Tenting, has been gracious enough to provide you with his body - but only for a short time. So for now, you can enjoy living in something that gives the minimum of offence to other people. No doubt, a new experience for you. However, unfortunately, I'm the only person who's likely to witness this remarkable improvement. But we can't have everything, can we?'
At this point Madeleine gave herself a mental slap across the wrist. She was being cruel and she knew it. But hell, this thing in Renton's body deserved nothing else. And it was at least making it listen. And so she continued.
'I'm sorry that we've had to tie you up. But we were a bit concerned you might not look after his body in quite the way it deserved. And anyway…'
'I'll kill you. I'll fuckin' kill you!'
Bessie had found her voice again, albeit no new words for her vocabulary. And she appeared to be really upset now. And despite the most impressive of improvements to her corporeal container.
'Be quiet!' ordered Madeleine. 'I haven't finished yet. And I need to explain the purpose of all this stuff. It's important. So shut up and listen.'
Bessie reverted to a gurgle. But this time it was one of exasperation. Madeleine could tell.
'You see, we've done a swap. While you're here in Renton's body, Renton's away in yours.'
This time Bessie snorted. She'd managed a noise with Renton's nose that, to Madeleine's knowledge, he had never himself managed. It almost caused her to lose her thread.
'Erhh yes… as I was saying. At the present time, poor old Renton is on a short visit to your own vast estate. He's there with Mr Aukaukukaura. And that's the important bit. Because you see, Mr Aukaukukaura has a camera. And at this very moment he'll be filming Renton. And by that, I mean he'll be filming Renton speaking, but a Renton inside your body and a Renton with that body's voice, i.e. your voice. So, it'll be you on that film, you, the famous Bessie Broperhoperen. Oh, and you'll be making a confession…'
Madeleine could see that all this was registering. Bessie had stopped making any sort of noise now and was listening intently - and glaring. But that was only to be expected.
'And this confession will include amongst other things your plans to interfere with the reproductive activities of all the human races in the universe - whilst omitting, of course, any reference to our friends, the Lagooners. And there'll also be a list of all your antisocial activities here on the Lollipop - again without reference to your reasons for the same. And on top of all that, a number of… well, let's just call them corporate infringements - the full details of which your lovely assistant has been kind enough to provide… And by the way, that includes a full exposé of the three occasions on which Miss Cristalina discovered your insider-dealing activities - you know, the ones where you picked up all those Trampul shares on the cheap.'
This was the killer. The truth was that Cristalina hadn't discovered anything. She'd just heard rumours about Bessie's illegal share dealings and could prove absolutely nothing. But it didn't matter. Obviously the rumours were true, and now Madeleine was using Cristalina's supposed knowledge of these damaging deeds to optimum effect. Bessie had looked concerned when she'd referred to the earlier items in the confession, but she'd looked positively alarmed when she'd moved into the Trampul irregularities. And especially these insider-dealing ones - where, no doubt, she knew the authorities could track down the evidence.
'Oh, and I didn't mention it, did I?' continued Madeleine. 'But Cristalina has abandoned you I'm afraid. She's come over to our side. That's how we know…'
'Yoooouuuuu… you stupid fuckin' cow,' managed a shaken-looking Bessie. 'You must be fuckin' mad. Have you any idea what sort of shit you're in now? Do you think for one single moment that I'll let you off this ship? And what fuckin' use will the film be to you then? Answer me that, you stupid bitch.'
Madeleine felt like giving this woman a strong lecture on the immodesty - and the monotony - of her language. But instead she attempted to assure her that the film would, indeed, be of very significant use - whatever she might do. But without telling her exactly how.
'My dear lady. Let me just tell you that when, very shortly, you return to your own unpleasant self, you will not immediately be aware of this. Because your real self will have been drugged. And this time not with the magic potion that achieves this clever corporeal swap, but one that will have rendered you unconscious for no less than eight hours. And when you then awake from your slumbers, you'll very soon appreciate precisely of what use the film is. And you'll not be too pleased…
'Oh and by the way, we're doing you a favour really. You see, the confession will be presented as your swansong, the swansong of your business life - and one you made in an attempt to leave it with a clearer conscience. So…'
'You bitch. You bitch. You fuckin' bitch…'
And so it went on until, five minutes later, the magic had begun to abate. Only then did the bad-mouth Bessie come to a halt. She was starting her return journey to her own body - as was Renton to his own. And Madeleine was rather relieved.
'Thank God,' she sighed as the silence descended. 'And hurry back, Renton. I can't wait to see you. I just can't fuckin' wait…'
55.
Bessie was frightened. Normally, when she awoke from her sleep, she was immediately awake. None of that halfway-house sort of stuff - with all that drifting in and out. That was hardly her style - and a sheer waste of time as well.
But this had been different. This had not been like an awakening at all; it had been more like a resurre
ction. It had been as though she'd been dead, and as though she'd crawled back to life only with the greatest of efforts. For what had seemed like forever, she'd been clawing her way out. And it had been painful. There had been monsters on the way - and dreams, incredible dreams, dreams that she still couldn't grasp. And at the beginning of her journey, at the start of that forever, there'd been that horrible dream, the one where she'd been in the body of a man - that Tenting man. And his woman had been there too - his grinning woman. And she'd taunted her. She'd taunted her with a story about… about…
Then she shivered. It was all coming back. And clearer than ever. Like it was for real. And she remembered the reason for her fright, the reason she was lying here on her bed, now fully awake but with her eyes still tightly closed. She had been in that body, hadn't she? It hadn't been a dream. It had been for real. And she was terrified it wasn't over, scared out of her mind that she was still imprisoned in the body of a ghastly male - with no way out, with no way back to the temple of her own.
How could she cope? How could she deal with such a dreadful situation?
Well, after about ten minutes of acting like a stiff, she decided that a reasonable way to start might be to open those tightly-shut eyes. It might just be that she was already her feminine self once again, and that all was now well. No matter how real all that nonsense might have been, if she was now back in Bessie, that's all it would have been: just nonsense. And no harm done. And anyway, she couldn't feel any bindings across her body - or his body - like there'd been in the dream. So that was good news.
And amid all this mental confusion, she opened her eyes.
At first, that's all she did. She didn't dare move a muscle. She was still very scared. But then gradually she moved her arm. Slowly she raised it from her side. And then it came into view: her hand, her right hand, and her finger - the one with the ring on it. And it was her ring! Her finger! Her hand! Her freakin' hand! And that meant her freakin' arm and her freakin' body!
Yes, she was back!
There it was: her body - in all its wondrous wonder. As she leant forward it hove into view. All those lumps, all those bulges - and all those mounds, all those wonderful mounds… And, of course, the bust! The mother-lode. The treasure-chest. The block of pure gold. It was there! It was there! Oh what unbounded joy!
And so it went on, a mental eulogy of self-deception that's not been equalled to this day. A euphoria-fuelled voyage into the absurd, stopping at every improbable destination on the way - until the euphoria ran out. Then it was time for the real Bessie to return - and with a vengeance…
'Fuck! What have those bastards been up to?'
This was her greeting to her watch. It was telling her that she'd been asleep for eight hours, an age, a time in which anything could have happened.
'Shit! The drug! That bitch mentioned a drug. She said it would knock me out for eight hours… eight hours after that session in… Oh no. Oh shit. Oh fuck!'
This was not what she wanted, not what she wanted at all. It was just hassle, serious hassle. And she would have to deal with it quickly - because none of those moron bitches would even know where to start. Not even Dellie, the bright one…
She was in the bridgeroom when Bessie found her - doing something worthy. But not for much longer, because Bessie had a quiz…
And question number one was something of a doddle, something that Dellie could answer without a pause. It was a simple 'where the fuck's that Cristalina?' It was hardly a question at all really.
'She's left the ship,' responded Dellie with a smile. 'You know, like you agreed.'
Now this answer caused Bessie to choose a second question that was more a development of the first than a completely new question. And it was delivered in a tone of rising menace.
'What the fuck do you mean "like you agreed"?'
This time, Dellie hesitated a little. She'd clearly realised that the questions were about to become a great deal more demanding - and very quickly. It wouldn't pay her to get any of them wrong.
'She told me you'd agreed. You know, that she should make first contact. With that Madeleine woman as a hostage. So you could go and meet them. And…'
'Meet them? Meet who?' snapped Bessie. 'Who the fuck am I supposed to meet?'
This appeared to have taken the contestant completely off guard. It was as though she thought the question wasn't a fair one. You could see it in her face.
'Well, the Earth authorities. You know, just as we'd…'
'Earth?' screamed the question-master. 'Earth?'
'Errh yes,' stammered Dellie. 'Errh, I mean, don't you know? I mean, don't you know that we've… well, that we've landed. On… on Earth? A few hours ago now. On its dark side. I mean it's the middle of the night… You can see on the screen…'
'What?' screeched Bessie. 'What the fuck?'
Now, this was barely a question. More a declaration of displeasure. So Dellie didn't even guess at an answer. And just as well. For the quiz was now done and the quiz-master gone.
In her place was now a commander, a commander who was digesting some news. And the news was that her enemy had pulled a flanker, a good flanker, and one that would cause her a great deal of grief. After all, turncoat troops she could deal with. And even underhand tactics like filming her when her body was not her own. But only if the culprits were still on board ship.
But now it appeared they were not. They were off it and free, free on this Earth - and with that damn film. And what could she do about that? What the hell could she do about that?
And to start with, where were they? Where were those two bitches - Cristalina and the Maiden woman? Where could they effin' be? In fact, where on this world could they effin' be?
56.
With nothing better to do, Madeleine was musing over Boz's plan - and how it had gone off course. And first she was reminding herself of how it should have stayed on course…
The idea had been a simple one. And it was this:
By duping Bessie into a body swap, they'd first of all furnish themselves with a filmed record of all Bessie's wrong doings. This would not only be entirely convincing, but it would also be entirely convicting; it would represent the perfect piece of evidence to warrant Bessie's immediate arrest and her subsequent conviction on any number of counts. Then all they needed to do was to get it into the hands of the authorities.
Step forward the ambitious Miss Cristalina, who had meanwhile been convinced that with Bessie out of the picture, she could grab Trampul for herself - especially if she brought them such a fabulous prize as the Earth. And all she needed to do to secure this prize was to promise that when she was the new chief executive of that mighty corporation, she'd drop all the Reprocil stuff, and that before then, she'd deliver the film. To be precise, that she'd leave the Lollipop as soon as they reached Earth - and while Bessie was fast asleep - and that she'd seek out the Earth authorities and present them with the film. And that she'd do this only after she'd put some distance between herself and the ship. And that way, when Bessie tried to track her down - and she would try, because she'd be told where the film was - the authorities could catch her. And they'd be no Lagooners around and no detectives around to get themselves hurt in the process.
So essentially, it was all about getting somebody else to do the dirty work. And leaving Madeleine and her friends to then deal with just the Lagooners and their Fornicil. Which, on balance, seemed to Madeleine to be a pretty fair division of duties.
And to start with, it had all gone very well. They'd got Cristalina's agreement to the plan. They'd got the film. They'd got to Earth. And they'd given the film to Cristalina, and she'd left the ship with it. But then the glitch: she hadn't left on her own.
Madeleine had been her contact during her “abduction”. And it was Madeleine who had given her the film. And it was Madeleine who had then discovered that Cristalina had no intention whatsoever of leaving the ship on her own. She wanted someone to go with her - for a bit or reassuring insurance. She
wanted Madeleine to go with her,
Madeleine had been less than enthusiastic about this proposal. And she knew neither Renton nor Boz would countenance such a radical and potentially dangerous change to the plan. But she also knew that if she didn't accede to Cristalina's proposal, the whole plan would fall to pieces. Cristalina was no softie, and she'd not be talked round. So Madeleine had no option. She had to go with her - and not tell her partners. And hope that even though the plan was now off course, it wasn't too far off course not to work at all.
And anyway, this was Earth, wasn't it? And who would pass up the chance of being one of the first non-Earth humans to set foot on the place in aeons? And if she was really honest with herself, this wasn't an insignificant consideration. And it certainly made her decision a lot easier…
And now they'd been off the ship for over an hour. And nothing had happened. Nothing at all.
And, anyway, what on Earth could go wrong?
57.
…from Renton's perspective, anything and everything.
A few hours ago, he'd been pretty happy. Just as they'd planned, they'd landed on a patch of the Earth-world where, according to their hosts, there were no people. And this was perfect. It would mean that Cristalina could get a good way away from the ship without bumping into anybody - as planned. And then, by using her radio, contact the authorities when Bessie was herself remote from the Lollipop, and eminently exposed - as planned. The only unscheduled aspect of this touch down was its timing. For on this patch of the Earth, night had just fallen. So they couldn't see much outside the ship. But so what? It didn't really matter whether it was night or day. And anyway, Bessie was drugged for only a finite number of hours, and they couldn't hang around. And so the messenger was sent on her way.
Then, eventually Bessie emerged. And it wasn't too long before she'd worked out what she needed to do. And that to start with, she needed to use the life-sign scanner.
Lollipop Page 26