by Jewel Allen
Chapter Ten
Stratton
“Choo choo!” I yelled, pulling at an imaginary rope. The kids giggled on my back as I lumbered on the living room floor as a hybrid train slash Godzilla. “Chugga chugga choo choo!”
Just as Kennedy opened the front door and stopped short, watching us. I smiled a crooked smile, which she didn’t return.
“Mommy, Mommy,” Evie squealed right in my ear. “Daddy’s choo choo twain!”
Kennedy looked from her and to me, visibly swallowing. Her expression softened and the side of her mouth hitched up in a smile. I never wanted her more in my life than right at that moment, in my home with the children.
But her gaze dropped and her smile faded. She shut the door to the afternoon heat and said politely, “How fun.”
“Come play, Mommy,” Ben invited her.
She hesitated.
“How about you kids play train for a minute while I talk with Mommy?” I suggested.
She flashed me a grateful look.
The two of us moved to the kitchen while the kids made loud train noises in the background. She hung her purse on a chair and sat down. I pushed the memory of our kiss to the back of my mind. There will be none of that today.
“Any luck finding a place?” I asked, hoping against hope that every single rental unit in Page had already been leased out.
“Yes.”
My stomach plummeted. This trial separation was going to happen. I pushed the pain from my heart and focused on her as she spoke again.
“Emma helped me find a little cabin owned by a really nice couple.
“Congrats.”
She studied my face as though searching for sarcasm that I didn’t feel. I was genuinely happy for her. She was working closer to her goals. Even though it left me reeling back from mine.
“Thanks. I’ll move out when you go on your next shift.”
How about never?
“Okay.” I cleared my throat. My heart formed my next words. “I’ll miss you.”
Correction. I missed her already.
She lifted her eyes to mine and I held her gaze. I hoped she could feel the longing that permeated every fiber of my being. If she did, she was unmoved.
“And the kids?” I asked.
“I don’t expect you to take them when you’re off.”
“Of course I’ll take them. Maybe…maybe I’ll cut down on my overtime.”
She stared at me in surprise. “You would do that? I thought you said overtime would give you an advantage for BC.”
“It probably would, but I’d like to help you out as much as I can.”
“That’s nice of you, but Mom’s willing.”
“It’s what I should do.”
“Oh.” Her expression hardened. “I see.”
“I mean…” I could have kicked myself. “I want to do it.”
She looked skeptical.
I cleared my throat. “It’s the least I could do to make up for past mistakes.”
“Mistakes?” Her eyes narrowed.
“Neglecting the family…” My words trailed off as her meaning dawned on me. “What did you think I meant?”
“I thought…” She looked at her lap. “Never mind.”
“Did you think I meant being with other women?” I asked quietly.
“It may have crossed my mind.” She shrugged. “It’s silly, I know. But that’s the honest truth.”
“I’m hurt you’d think that of me.”
“Sorry. I…” She passed a hand over her eyes. “Sorry. I don’t know why I thought that.”
I expelled a deep breath. “We’re both under a lot of stress.”
“Amen,” she said with a tired smile.
“Listen.” I leaned forward. “Since we’ve met, you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with, Kennedy. Can we please put that to rest?”
She nodded mutely.
“Furthermore,” I murmured, “I don’t want you to leave me . . .”
She averted her gaze.
“ . . . but if that’s what it’ll take for us to be together afterwards, I’m willing to let you go. As soon as you say you’re ready to come home, I’ll be waiting for you here with open arms.”
Her face crumpled as tears rolled down her cheeks. I reached up and wiped them off with my thumb, my touch lingering on her soft cheek.
“You know,” I whispered, “you can’t get rid of me that easily, Mrs. Mulder.”
She gave me a tremulous smile. My heart ached for us, but my mood lifted with optimism.
I retracted my hand. “Who’ll watch the kids while you work?”
She sniffled. “My mom already said she will. If I need to, I can get daycare in the spring.”
Spring. It sounded like forever. Would she really still be gone then?
I shifted in my chair. “Can I ask you a question?” When she nodded, I said, “Do you want things to work out between us?”
She was silent, at first, and I braced myself for rejection. But her eyes shone with a tender emotion as she nodded. “It may not seem like it,” she said, “but yes. Yes, I do.”
Chapter Eleven
Stratton
I got up early the next day for my next shift.
The house was quiet. On weekdays, the kids let us sleep in. Well, mostly Kennedy. I still had to get up and go to work. I showered and dressed, my chest pressing down with heavy sadness.
Kennedy and the kids would be leaving today. It was Saturday so Ben didn’t need to go to school.
I made two fried egg sandwiches and ate them with a glass of milk. Afterwards, I washed up and looked out our kitchen window into the yard. Most days, the kids played on that swing I’d rigged years before. It was sturdy enough for me and Kennedy to sit on, with her on my lap, me nuzzling her neck…
The pain of her leaving felt too much to bear.
I thought I could give her the world. Now, I wasn’t sure what that world looked like anymore.
I washed my dishes out and let them dry on the rack. I busied myself with getting ready the rest of the way. And then it was time to go.
I went first into Ben’s room. I kissed his forehead and held him close, and he mumbled in his sleep. Next, I moved to Evie’s room. I stopped at the threshold, catching a glimpse of Kennedy in her nightgown, the sheets on the camping cot kicked off.
Approaching Evie’s toddler bed, I kissed her soft cheek and brushed her hair away from her face.
I glanced over at my wife.
My wife.
My heart contracted with pain. And an ache so consuming, it almost stole my breath.
I should go. She wouldn’t want me to come close to her. She might startle and scream.
But if she were to wake up, maybe I could plead my case one last time…?
I shouldn’t.
She needed the space and I could respect that. I might not have completely comprehended everything she was going through, but I knew this move was important to her. I regretted now that I hadn’t even offered to help her. Add it to the list of things I could have done better. But it was too late for all that now.
Careful not to wake Kennedy, I padded over in my socks and watched her in her sleep. A desperate longing filled me as my gaze traveled over the contours of her figure and back to her face, sweet and smooth in sleep.
I should go. I shouldn’t be ogling my wife like—
She stirred and stretched, turning her body my direction. I swallowed with difficulty and averted my gaze.
I would steal one kiss on her forehead, as gently as I could. To say goodbye. For now.
I bent down and placed my lips on her forehead.
A butterfly touch.
“I love you,” I whispered.
I held my breath, in case she woke up. When she didn’t, I straightened and, with a heart full of unshed tears, left my family.
Chapter Twelve
Kennedy
I opened my eyes as soon as I guessed that Stratton had left.
&nbs
p; Lifting my hand to my forehead, a warmth filled my body. His kiss had left a heated imprint on my skin.
I love you, he had said.
When I saw through the haze of sleep that he was bent over Evie’s toddler bed, my heart melted at his tenderness. I closed my eyes, stamping down the feelings that made me feel weak.
I heard him pad over my direction and pretended to be asleep. When I sensed he was standing over me, I stirred. Moments later, he kissed my forehead and said he loved me.
I wanted to open my eyes… my heart… and pull him down for an embrace. I wanted to hold him until I made him late for work. I continued to fake sleep until I heard the front door shut.
My eyes flew open and I sat up, my chest heaving, ready to swing my legs onto the floor to run out and grab him.
But I didn’t.
Instead, my alarm clock buzzed. I turned it off. For a long, gut-wrenching moment, I gazed at it before getting up the first day of being without Stratton.
Chapter Thirteen
Stratton
I pulled up to the Lake Powell Fire Station One parking lot, glad to see the new building the city had built five years ago. It beckoned to me like home. A safe place where I could be with the guys without having to explore my feelings.
After 48 hours, I would go back to my empty home, with Kennedy and the kids gone.
I got out of my truck and used my ID card to open the station door. I could hear voices in the kitchen and ambled over to join them. I should’ve known better than to eat anything. Hunter , 1A’s paramedic, was making crepes. Our rescue specialist, Weston Hawk, was happily eating a plateful.
“Morning, guys,” I greeted them.
Hunter flipped a crepe in the pan. “Morning, Cap.”
Even though I wasn’t hungry, I headed over with a plate to get in on the action. “Did y’all have a good time off?”
“Yup.” Weston said as he demolished a crepe. “Had myself a hot date with a teacher.”
“Which one?” Hunter asked.
“Maureen Smith.”
The name didn’t ring a bell. Hunter flipped over another crepe. “You gonna see her again?”
“Nah. It was fun but we didn’t click, you know?” Weston flicked an uncertain glance at me. “How’s the family, Cap?”
I held my fork in mid-air, wondering if I should say anything about me and Kennedy. I figured I should, so nobody was speculating.
“Kennedy’s moving out during my shift.”
Silence filled the room, butter sizzling on the pan the only audible noise.
Ransom winced. “Sorry, Cap. That sucks.”
“Yeah.” I set down my fork. “It sucks.”
Hunter flipped another crepe. “Are you getting divorced?” He pressed his lips together. “Sorry if that’s too nosy.”
“No, it’s okay.” I gazed off into the distance. “I hope we’re not getting divorced. I think she wants some space to figure things out.”
“Wait.” Weston frowned. “Did this have something to do with Shanna? You know, that time when—”
“One of many things, apparently.”
Weston shook his head. “I’d had an inkling for a while now that she wasn’t up to any good.”
“Anyway.” I shrugged. “She’s the least of my problems.”
Hunter turned the stove off. “Want us to help move your family, Cap?”
I stared at him, my immediate reaction being that Kennedy wouldn’t want that interference. “I don’t know…”
“They need help, don’t they?” Weston asked.
“And she probably could use someone to entertain the kids while she takes everything out of the house and into her car,” Ransom said.
“Eat crepes for breakfast…” Hunter was already packing up a container of freshly cooked crepes and toppings.
“Not to mention,” Weston said with a raised eyebrow, “we could keep an eye on the kids so she doesn’t have to worry—”
“Okay, okay,” I said gruffly while holding up a hand. “We can offer to help her.”
The guys exchanged smiles. I didn’t like how they sort of bamboozled me into the idea and I pinned them with my gaze. “But it’s all up to Kennedy. If we show up and she hates the idea, we just go on our merry way.”
“Of course, Cap,” Ransom assured me. “I’ll get the service truck ready.”
“Why? What’s up?” Gage had come in. Out of habit, I glanced at the clock. 6:50 a.m. Good. The rookie had been consistently more on time lately.
“We’re going on Operation Strattedy,” Weston said.
“Operation Strattedy?” Gage echoed.
“Stratton plus Kennedy. Strattedy.” Weston beamed.
I shook my head and suppressed a smile. Weston was always good for a laugh.
Hunter handed Gage a crepe on a plate. “We’re moving Cap’s family, so eat up quickly, rookie.”
As he accepted the plate, Gage’s gaze shifted to me, his eyes round. “You moving, Cap? I thought you were testing for battalion chief.”
I sighed. “I’ll explain on the way.” We split up—some in my truck, Hunter in the ambo in case we got a call. After I gave Gage a quick rundown, he cast a sympathetic glance my way. Then he suppressed a yawn.
“And I thought I was the only one who liked to party all night,” Weston said.
“Something like that.” Gage rubbed his eyes. “Maya and I had a long talk last night. About stuff. I didn’t get to bed till three.”
The guy wasn’t complaining; in fact he had this goofy smile on his mug. Probably because he and his girlfriend Maya were spending so much time together. Good for him.
As the guys chattered about their days off, I thought back to my relationship with Kennedy. I had gotten complacent, settling for a half-life when we could have had a fuller relationship. Maybe if I had spent a few of those late nights talking with her, instead of crashing early to be ready for a busy shift…
As Lake Powell 1A station captain, I thought I knew everything. Had a handle on my marriage. Balanced work and family life.
Truth was, I knew nothing.
As we drove to the house, my misgivings about this “Operation Strattedy” grew. What if Kennedy didn’t appreciate my interference? Worse, I didn’t like the idea of having to say goodbye, let alone having the whole thing on display for my crew. But it was too late to back out. We were already parking at the curb.
“Let me talk to her first, okay?” I said.
“Sure thing, Cap,” Weston said.
I walked up to the door and knocked. After a few seconds, it opened. Kennedy stared at me in surprise and raised her hand self-consciously to her damp hair. I was relieved to see that she was already dressed for the day. That we weren’t catching her in her jammies.
“Well, hello,” she said.
“Hi.” I rubbed my nape. “I mentioned to the guys that you were moving and they suggested we help you.”
She peeked past me to the fire engine and waved. Back to my face came her eyes. “So it was their idea?”
“I’d thought about it, but I didn’t think you’d want me to interfere.” As I rambled on, I was sure I sounded lame. “But they pointed out you would need help with the kids, and maybe even need breakfast…” I stopped my motor mouth. I was digging myself deeper into a hole. “Sorry. I wish I could take credit for it. Or had even offered in the first place. Ugh.” I shook my head. “I’m hopeless.”
“Hey.” She touched my arm. “It’s okay.”
I gazed at her hand, her touch electric on my skin. My eyes flickered to hers, filled with a gracious kindness. I found myself drowning in a familiar sensation. She’d always been gentle, and she was cutting me slack. Maybe even giving me a little love. The irony of my wife helping me out when I should have been the one helping her didn’t escape me.
She smiled, her fingers trailing my skin as she moved her hand back to her side. “I think it’s sweet of you to come and help me. And the guys, too. Thank you.”
“You�
�re welcome.” Right at that moment, I wasn’t feeling particularly charitable. I wished she weren’t actually moving out. That we were coming to entertain the kids and giving them a crepe breakfast.
“You gonna be okay, Strat?” she asked softly.
My gaze faced hers head on and I faked a brave smile. “Don’t have a choice but to be, do I?”
To my shock, she came up and hugged me. Pulled down my head so it rested in the crook of her neck, putting my cheek next to her fragrant damp hair. She kissed the side of my head and whispered, “We’re gonna make it through.”
She let me go before I could even react. Before I could pull her to me and never let her go.
Chapter Fourteen
Kennedy
I wish I could say that seeing tough Stratton Mulder turn into putty gave me immense satisfaction, but it didn’t.
After the initial flurry of the crew fanning in to give the kids breakfast while I finished blow-drying my hair, I stared at my reflection for a moment, trying to collect myself before going back out.
Poor Stratton had looked so out of sorts. I didn’t know if hugging him had been a great idea or not. A twinge of guilt hit me. Was I playing fast and loose with his heart? Here I was leaving him, while throwing crumbs of hugs and whispers that we were going to make it through. How did I even know that would happen?
With an exasperated sigh, I put on some sunblock, a light dusting of powder and a dab of lip gloss before gearing myself up for this move. I came out to a domestic scene that made me smile.
Four buff firefighters in their uniforms had taken over our little kitchen. They crowded around the kids over a breakfast of what looked like Hunter’s world-famous crepes. Stratton held Evie on his lap. Ben was talking about dinosaurs while the rest of the group hung onto his every word.
Stratton turned at my entrance. The spark of admiration in his eyes made me feel even more flustered.
Maybe he was right. Maybe letting him help me wasn’t such a good idea after all. I made sure to maneuver myself to the opposite side of the table from him, where I smiled and chatted, enjoying Hunter’s crepes.