Over the next several weeks, Hannah slowly began to feel safer and more secure around Abram. Seeing that he was taking his counseling sessions and their joint work with their peer counselors seriously, she knew that they could emerge on the other side of their struggle, as long as they had Gott on their side. Their relationship resumed its normal calm and loving cadence. Abram learned what their daughter was now capable of doing and eagerly helped in her care.
One day, Hannah saw him pulling his wagon into their yard as he headed for the barn. Looking at his face, she was sad and apprehensive. Gott, he is angry. I hope he’ll be calm for Eleanor’s sake. Breathing in deeply, she said a quiet prayer, hoping that there wouldn’t be a blowup that night. She busied herself with the remainder of her supper preparations.
In the barn, Abram breathed in deeply, knowing that he was on the knife’s edge of blowing up. He prayed that he would keep his reactions that night under control. Then he made himself think back over the encounter that had made him so angry. He’d run into Ben Hershberger, who had begun to harangue him about caring for his horses again. Abram had reminded himself that Deacon King had as much as ordered him to drop Mr. Hershberger as a customer. “I’m sorry, but my load of customers is full right now. I have a full week every week taking care of my appointments.” Abram hadn’t wanted to reveal that an elder had told him to drop the older man as a customer.
“You’re that man that beat up his wife, ain’t? So, why aren’t you gettin’ so mad at me right now?” Ben Hershberger had begun to push and nearly taunt Abram into blowing up.
“I’m not going to respond to that. I’m sure you’ve talked to someone else here about where you can get farrier services. I suggest you take that advice.” While Abram’s voice had been calm, the edge of anger had roughened his tone. Abram had been alarmed to see a look of satisfaction in the older man’s eyes. Not wanting to be around someone like him, he had quickly jumped into his wagon and left the area.
On the way home, he had wondered and searched for the word that Eli Yoder had used for people like Ben. It took a few minutes before he remembered. Toxic! Ya, that’s the word! I feel sorry for his family. While the increasing distance between Abram and Ben had lessened his anger, Abram had still felt as though his temper could explode.
He paced back and forth in the barn, trying to burn the anger off. Slowly, he began to feel calmer. Looking around, he spotted an old pillow. Placing it on the bench, he began to whale away at the softness until the remainder of his anger was gone. Panting, he wiped sweat from his face and put the pillow away.
In the kitchen, he looked at Hannah. “I’m sure you saw me come into the yard. I ran into Ben Hershberger and he was pushing me about why I stopped working on his horses. He was taunting me, Hannah. He wanted to make me blow up. He asked me if I was that young man that beat up his wife. I wanted to be sick, and then I wanted to hit him. But I remembered everything we’ve been working on, plus what the elders have told me. He’s toxic, just like Eli said. So I left. In the barn, I just paced until I started to feel some better. Then I took that old pillow I have stashed out there and I hit it until the rest of my anger was gone.”
Hannah looked closely into Abram’s face. Tired. He looked tired. He still had a little perspiration on his face. Looking into his eyes, she couldn’t spot any anger. “So, you feel like you handled the situation well?”
“Ya, I do. While I wanted to hit him, I knew that would violate the Ordnung. I kept that in mind. I also didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of blowing up. It was what he wanted.”
Hannah smiled. “You did gut, Abram! Can I hug you?”
In answer, Abram opened his arms wide and Hannah came up against him, wrapping her arms around his taut middle. Resting her head against his chest, she listened to his regular heartbeat. She felt no tension in his shoulder or his arms. His breathing was regular. “You are calm. Gut, because I made trout tonight.”
“Ya, I smelled it. It smells wunderbaar. Let me wash up.” Hurrying upstairs, Abram’s gaze fell on his sleeping daughter, lying in the larger crib/playpen they had bought for her. He stopped for a few minutes, just looking at her round, innocent face. Tearing his eyes away from her, he went into the bathroom and washed his face, hands and neck. On the way back down, he gave thanks to Gott for helping him.
Supper was calm and quiet. After finishing his meal and the apple cobbler Hannah had made, Abram went to the living room to do some more reading and studying. He wanted to study more about toxic people and their actions. If he finished that, he wanted to... His head raised at a heavy knock on the door. Answering it, he saw Ben Hershberger standing on his porch. Wordlessly, he shut the door in the older man’s face. “Hannah, I’m taking the baby upstairs. Hershberger is on the porch and he’s not going to stop trying to bother me.”
“I have a better idea. I’m done here. Let’s go to the bishop’s and let him know what happened today. It’s warm enough and I’ll make sure the baby has a blanket, just in case.” Hannah gazed anxiously into Abram’s eyes.
“Gut idea. But we go out the back. Blow out the lanterns and get her blanket from the crib here.” Abram felt for his house keys and looked to make sure the front door was locked. Outside, they hurried to the barn. Quickly, he hitched the horses to the buggy and helped Hannah in, giving the baby to her.
“He’s going to see us leaving.” Hannah worried.
“That’s okay. He needs to know I’m not going to rise to his baiting.” Abram hurried the horses out of the yard. Looking at the old man, he saw his gaze swing over to their buggy, taking a grim sort of satisfaction at the frustrated scowl on Hershberger’s face.
IN THE BISHOP’S NEAT house, Abram and Hannah explained the events of that day. “So I told him to start with the list of farriers outside Peace Valley to see if he could find anyone. Then I left because he was trying to make me angry enough to hit him.”
“Gut for you. And, when you got home?”
“I was still angry.” Abram sipped the hot coffee in his mug. “So, I stayed in the barn and just walked around as fast as I could. I still felt angry. So I took an old pillow I put out there. My counselor thought it was a gut idea for me to take out my anger on that rather than on Hannah or anyone else. I felt better, so I went inside. We ate and I started to study when Hershberger came over and started knocking on the door. As soon as I saw him, I closed the door and told Hannah I was taking Eleanor upstairs. I didn’t want him to wake her up. She suggested we come here.”
Chapter 3
“Gut idea, Hannah. Are you worried about being with Abram tonight?”
“Nee. He is calm. I hugged him and felt no tension in his arms. His eyes are calm and so is his voice.”
“This is what I’ll do. Let’s go back to your place. If Hershberger is there, I’ll make it clear he’s to steer clear of you. You’re right. He was taunting you. What was it Eli called people like him?”
“They’re toxic. Poisonous.” Abram was confident in his ability to remember and in their decision to leave the house.
“Denki. Okay. If he’s not there, I’ll go visit him tomorrow morning. I need to go buy lumber, anyway. I think his house is on my way.”
BACK AT THE BEILER house, Abram sighed. Hershberger was still there. “Amazing! He is determined...”
“Where’d you run off to? Are you afraid to face me? Afraid you’ll hit me?” Ben Hershberger’s voice was loud and slightly slurred.
Hannah bounced the baby slightly, not wanting her to wake up. “It’s okay, child. It’s okay.”
Abram drove Hannah to the back door, helping her out. He was aware that the bishop had stopped at their front yard to talk to the old man. Letting Hannah into the house, he pointed quietly for her to go upstairs. Watching her straight back as she went to the baby’s room, Abram moved silently to the living room, where he listened to the exchange of words between the bishop and Ben.
“...want you coming around here again. Abram told me what you pulled today. Y
ou tried to make him blow up, which would have been a violation of the Ordnung. I’m also aware that Deacon King told Abram to stop working with your horses.”
“I want Beiler to work on my horses! He’s gut!” Ben’s voice was angry and sounded intoxicated.
“Nee. You’ve been given a list of other farriers who will work on your horses. We know your history of trying to force down the prices you pay for the work they do. Other farriers will do a gut job for you. Now, why did you try to needle Abram Beiler into hitting you?”
Abram was curious about this, but didn’t want the old man to know he was listening. He sat down slowly in the armchair and just listened.
“Ain’t gonna tell. I can tell you this”—Ben swayed drunkenly toward the bishop who shot his hands out to keep him from falling—“I figger that if I get him in a position where I can make him do what I want, I come out a...ahead.”
After that sodden admission, Bishop Kurtz directed Ben to his buggy. “I’m following you home. I don’t want to hear from Abram or anyone else in Peace Valley that you’re continuing to harass him. Expect a visit from the elders tomorrow.”
Ben, hearing this, startled so much that he nearly fell out of the buggy, forcing the bishop to grip his arm again. Slowly, the two-buggy caravan rolled out of the yard and toward the Hershberger farm.
The next morning, as Abram was loading his wagon and hitching his horses before his first appointment of the day, the bishop pulled into his yard.
“Abram! Before you leave, do you have a few minutes?”
Nodding, Abram jogged over to the buggy. “Ya. What is it?”
“I just wanted to stop in and tell you that we did make a visit to Ben Hershberger and his wife. It turns out that you’re not the only person he’s attempted to change payment terms on. He was arguing with his apprentice about the wages he owed. Making a long story shorter, the apprentice quit, leaving Hershberger high and dry today. As we talked to him, he was angry, and I suspect, a little hung-over. We counseled him on that and reminded him that we set our business rates so that we can pay for new materials and support our families. Plus, we made it clear that if he continues to harass you and attempt to provoke you into attacking him, he would be brought before the community. I don’t know what he’ll do, so let us know what happens, if anything.”
Abram nodded, smiling his gratitude. “Denki. I will.” As the bishop drove away, he jogged back to his wagon. Seeing Hannah on the porch, he redirected his steps and told her what had happened with Ben Hershberger.
“He was drunk?” Hannah sighed, shaking her head. “I agree with the bishop. Try to avoid that man.”
“Ya. I don’t need to be charged with assaulting someone else. I just hope that when I’m on my way to appointments, I can avoid him.”
“You’ll find a way. If you do see him, take different roads so he can’t confront you or try to cause trouble.”
Abram nodded.
ABRAM AND HANNAH’S relationship remained serene for a few months more. He felt more confident and able to control his temper. Then...
Abram was fifteen and, unaccountably, back in his uncle’s house. He did his chores and helped with the crops, giving his uncle satisfaction in his work, most of the time. When it came to the family life inside the home, Abram was troubled and apprehensive. He continued to witness episodes of family violence. Yet now, he noticed that the episodes didn’t happen every day. Days would pass when his uncle was loving and kind to everyone, even his wife and their daughters.
Abram also noticed that, in the days immediately preceding an attack of violence, his uncle would become tense and short-tempered. Sometimes, an unexpected and negative event would set his uncle off. Finally, on the day when his uncle would finally lose his temper, everyone was quiet and tentative around the house, Abram included. He was never able to pinpoint what would happen to set off the violence. His auntie would be respectful, as would all the kinder. They would nod in agreement at what their daed would say. They would hurry to do his bidding. Yet...
Dishes and food would fly. A fist would make contact with a woman’s or girl’s body. And all the kinder would scatter to avoid becoming the next target.
Abram sat up in bed, perspiring and breathing hard, as though he’d just run a sprint. This was the first time he’d ever gotten such a dream. Shaking his head, he got out of bed to get a drink of water and calm down. Coming back into bed, he glanced over at Hannah, not wanting to wake her up. He needed to figure this out. Remembering bits and pieces of his dream, he got back out of bed and hurried down to the kitchen.
Pulling a notebook and pen out of the hutch, he lit the lamp and began writing down what he remembered. “Tension, short temper, periods of calm,” he whispered as he wrote. “Sudden blow-up of violence.” Sitting back, he wondered if he did the same thing. Checking the calendar, he realized he would be meeting Joshua, his counselor, the next day. I can talk to him about this during our session. Then, he remembered something else. Cycle of violence. I wonder... Was I seeing that? I’ll ask Joshua tomorrow.
The next day, as Joshua and Abram sat in the Beiler kitchen, sipping fragrant, hot coffee, they talked about Abram’s dream. “Abram, I believe Gott sent that to you as a way of helping you make even more progress. And that you remembered those details is excellent! What’s this about the cycle of violence?”
“I was wondering if my uncle’s habit of being calm, then showing signs of tension was a part of that. I mean, just after, he was kind to my auntie and cousins. I won’t say he was loving, because I doubt he ever loved them more than Gott or even himself. And it seemed like there was nothing there that should cause a blow-up of violence. Maybe he didn’t want what my auntie made for dinner or supper. She was always kind and respectful of him. So were my cousins. So he had no excuse there.”
“Ya. That is the cycle. It’s the rare person who can observe the signs an abuser gives off. When did you notice it?”
Abram paused, thinking. He played with his short beard as he did so. Looking out toward the orchard beyond his property, he allowed Gott’s loving calm to pervade his spirit. “Definitely after the first time I saw him hit her. More and more as I stayed there, I was able to pick out the signs. When I saw him becoming tense and angry, I tended to avoid him and just tried to do my work the best I could.”
“Did you ever go back after your thirteenth year?”
“Nee! My parents wouldn’t allow him to take me, even though they had agreed on that in past years. See, I had told them what he had done, and they were very unhappy. My daed told him that if he didn’t stop, he’d tell the elders what was going on. My uncle got so mad at him. Why I was fifteen in my dream, I just don’t understand.”
In the remainder of Abram’s session, the two men worked on role playing. “When you feel like you’re getting angry at Hannah or at a situation, this is what you do...” The men took different roles, switching off so Abram was able to practice his responses. “I want you to be so comfortable with this that it becomes second nature for you to warn her or others that you’re getting to the point of no return. Then get to your safe areas!” As they discussed other areas where Abram was working, someone pounded heavily on the front door, causing Eleanor to begin crying.
Hannah ran into the kitchen, apologizing and picking the baby up.
“No problem, Hannah! I think that’s Ben Hershberger, anyway. Why don’t you take the baby upstairs? I don’t want him seeing her.” Abram walked to the front door and waited to open it until he knew that Hannah was in a room and away from Hershberger’s toxicity.
“Who is this man?” Joshua was curious.
“He’s new to Peace Valley. I had been shoeing his horses and decided to drop him as a customer. He kept trying to get me to drop my rates for him. A couple weeks ago, he began harassing me as I came home. He knows about my history. Then, he came here, drunk. Hannah and I left and went to the bishop’s. The bishop followed us back here, and Hershberger”—there was more loud pounding—�
��was still here. Let me get this.”
“I want to see how you handle him.” Joshua stood to the side, out of view of anyone on the porch.
Nervously, Abram opened the door. “Ya, Hershberger, what is it? You heard the bishop’s warning.”
“Ya, and I don’t care.” Hershberger peered around Abram, looking for Hannah. “What, did they have to leave again? Hah! I knew you couldn’t stop hitting her! Now, I have you. You’re going to start working for me again, beginning tomorrow. Or I’ll start spreading—”
Joshua stepped into the doorway, startling Hershberger. “Blackmail, Hershberger? Abram told me what you’ve been doing to him. And he’s not going to go back to working for you, for any reasons whatsoever. In fact, Abram, when we finish our work today, go to see your bishop and let him know just what happened here.”
“Ya, it’s exactly what I plan. His farm is right on my route anyway.”
Ben Hershberger, defeated, stomped off angrily.
Now that their session for the week was over, Joshua gathered his notes and other documents. “You handled that right gut. Do you want me to go with you to the bishop’s?”
Abram considered for a few seconds. “Ya, that would be wunderbaar. Denki.” Leading the way in his wagon, Abram stopped in the bishop’s yard. After he was let into the house, he recounted what had happened earlier.
The bishop shook his head sadly. “That is no gut. The elders and I will go see him this afternoon. You handled it perfectly, and I’m glad your counselor was there as a witness. Because...”
“You think this isn’t going to stop.”
“Nee, not any time soon.”
AS A RESULT OF THE bishop’s assessment of the Hershberger situation, Abram was tense and worried. As he went through his day’s appointments, he felt as if his eyes were waving all around, as though they were attached to stalks connected to his face. He prayed incessantly that he would not run into the toxic older man. By the time he finished his last appointment, he was wound up, and his back more tense than he had ever felt it. As he pulled into his barn, he paced around, trying to burn off the tension and underlying anger before going into the house for supper. He’s trying to badger you and make you blow up. Don’t give that to him. In fact, go into that house after you’ve hit the pillow and let Hannah know just how you’re feeling. Only it didn’t work out that way.
Amish Love Be Kind 3-Book Boxed Set Page 10