The bishop’s sharp eyes took in Abram’s tired face. “Ya, it’s fine. It’ll be unbothered here, as long as you put it next to the lean-to. We’ll put the horses in the barn so they can eat and cool down. Why are you meeting Eli?”
Abram explained the events of the past night. “So, Joshua wants to see me, figure out what happened and, hopefully, give me some coping skills I can learn and use.”
The bishop’s eyes were wide. “You heard his voice. In your bedroom. And you ran downstairs and outside as soon as you realized what was happening? Tell me, Abram. What was your first thought?”
“Get away from Hannah and outside. I didn’t want to hurt her. She finally trusts me again, and I don’t want to lose that. Bishop, I wish I knew where that voice was coming from.”
“I’m glad you’re seeing Joshua. That you’ve taken the initiative on this. See what expertise and insight he can give you. It may be something perfectly simple you can do. “
Riding with Eli, Abram dozed off. As he napped, his mind remembered parts of his previous night’s experience. Waking, he sighed, feeling sad. “Eli, what if I have what Wayne has?”
Eli thought. “You mean PTSD?”
“Ya. Will I have to take medication for that?”
“First, it’s not very likely you have that. But ask Joshua. Maybe he can give you some tests to figure that out.”
“Ya. Maybe.” Abram pondered his unsettling realization.
IN JOSHUA’S OFFICE, he and Joshua discussed the past night’s events. “So I just ran to the barn and fought that voice.”
“Did you want to hit Hannah?”
“Nee! That awful voice was telling me to do it, though, so I felt it was best to get as far from her as I could.”
“You did the right thing, though you do look pretty tired. And troubled. What are you thinking?”
Abram was reluctant to bring up his realization. Almost of their own prompting, the words came out of his mouth. “What if I have PTSD, like Wayne? How can I find out? And will I have to take pills if I do?”
“Whoa, hold on there! It’s not likely you have PTSD. I can give you a simple written test. Your score will tell me if you have this condition. How often did you see your uncle hitting your auntie and cousins?”
Abram sighed, feeling slow relief. “Many times. Maybe...as many as twenty or forty? He never hit me but one time. He rarely hit his sons or me. Just the girls and my auntie.”
“What time is your next farrier appointment?”
Abram checked the clock on Joshua’s desk. “Not until nearly two. Is that enough time for that test?”
“Ja. It is. You should finish within thirty or forty-five minutes. I’ll score it after you leave. I don’t have another appointment until after lunchtime. And I can drive by your place after work today, if that’s all right with you.”
Abram, feeling scared, stood and paced around the office. He looked out through the blinds, seeing the busy street outside. “Ja, that’s fine.”
“Abram, if anything, you’re feeling anxious. And I can prescribe a mild medication, called an anxiolytic. It’ll keep you from feeling so anxious that you hear that voice.”
“Will the medication change how I feel?”
Joshua joined Abram at the office window. “You mean, sleepy, woozy?”
“Ya.”
“Nee. But you should feel that maybe that voice can’t reach you. You’ll feel calmer, like you don’t feel the edge of anger, if you are in a troubling situation.”
Abram nodded decisively. “Ya. If I have this anxiety condition, I want to take that medication. I’m tired of getting angry for no reason at all.”
In response, Joshua pulled out a written test consisting of four or five pages bound together. “Take this. I’ll go out and let Eli know you’ll be about forty-five minutes more. Would you like a caffeine-free soda?”
“Ya, that would be gut. Denki.” Sitting, Abram picked up a pencil and began reading questions and blackening circles. He wasn’t aware that this test, like other psychological tests, contained verification questions. He just tried to answer straight from his heart and gut, wanting a clear answer about what was happening. He was puzzled that some questions seemed to repeat themselves. Right before he finished, Joshua came back in. “I’m done, just about. I do have one question. Why did I have to answer several questions more than once?”
“Those are verification questions. They verify how truthful one is when he or she is taking a test like this. It makes it easier for psychologists like me to determine whether a client is being honest.”
Abram cocked his head, confused. “But I’ve only ever been truthful with you!”
“I know. You’re one of the few that is truthful in sessions. But, when we are working with someone who has been court-ordered to undergo therapy for anger or violence issues, they may have a motive to lie. Maybe they’re embarrassed that they may have an emotional issue that leads to their actions. Or, unlike you, they just don’t want to change.”
Abram relaxed. He swigged the remainder of his soda. “Denki for your honesty, too. So, will you have any news for me tonight?”
Chapter 2
“Ya, I should. If you do have an anxiety issue that’s leading to this voice—your ‘monster’—I’m giving you a written prescription for something mild. You’ll take it only for the time that you are working with me, or as long as this monster is an issue.”
The feeling of relief that swept over Abram was so strong that he felt weepy. “Denki! I mean it!”
Joshua smiled. “Like I said, you’re one of the few that truly wants to get to the bottom of your issues.” He shook Abram’s hand, firm.
On the way back to Peace Valley, Abram filled Eli in on what had transpired. “So I took a psychological test and should know by this evening if I have an anxiety condition. If I do, I’ll take a mild medication.”
“Gut! That should help!”
At the pharmacy, Abram picked up the small bottle of anti-anxiety medication he’d been prescribed. As he rode to the bishop’s with Eli, he was contemplative, feeling calmer as he confronted the ugliness of what his uncle had done to him and his family. “Eli, do you think I’ll be able to remember what my uncle did without getting upset or losing control? Because I really want to face that when I’m studying. I don’t want to get angry or scared, and I definitely don’t want to get mad at Hannah.”
“I only know what I’ve been told by others who take these medications. Different people react in different ways to the same medication. I can only suggest that you watch what it does to you. You may feel foggy or just really relaxed. Things that normally bother you may not bother you after you’ve started taking it. And you might want to ask your daed to drive you around until you know you can handle your team. You wouldn’t want to be stopped by the police and charged with driving under the influence.”
Abram grimaced. “I don’t need that! Ya, after I finish work today, I’ll ask daed if...wait! I can just hire one of the teens here. I think we can afford it.”
“Gut idea!” Eli surveyed the summer scenery as he drove Abram home. “I wanted to ask you. What did you decide about the bishop going to your uncle’s bishop?”
“I told him a few days ago to go talk to him. At first, I didn’t want to, but then I realized that if Uncle Zeb is held to account, it may help me to recover.”
Eli’s smile was approving. “Okay, here we are. Let me know how it goes with the medication. Oh, and you need to let Hannah know what happened and what you’re doing to keep it from getting worse.”
“Ya. I know. I told her what happened. The medication will be news for her, though.”
“I think she’ll be relieved.”
Jumping down, Abram nodded. “She will. Denki, Eli!” Striding to the barn, he brought his team out and hitched the horses to his wagon.
“Abram! How did your appointment go?” The bishop wore a look of concern.
“It went well, bishop. I took a special test
and Joshua will come by tonight with the results. He also prescribed an anti-anxiety medication that I am to start taking tonight.”
“Gut. Short term, I hope. As you confront what happened to you, then you should need it less later on.”
“Ya, that’s what I’m hoping. I’d better be going. I’m sure Hannah will have supper ready.”
“Tell her I said hello.”
“Ya, I will.” Abram waved quickly at the bishop, and then turned in the direction of home. After supper and before beginning his studying, Abram took a pill, wondering how he would feel. About an hour later, he looked up. “Hmmm.”
“What is it?” Hannah set her book down.
“I just took my first pill an hour ago. I’m reading about something that normally makes me feel agitated. I’m calm!” Indeed, Abram felt as relaxed as though he’d just woken up from a refreshing nap.
“Do you feel drowsy? Or foggy?”
Abram tested how he felt. “Nee. Alert. That’s how I feel.” The baby began to cry. “Oh, let me get her. Do you want to take her upstairs?”
“Just bring her to me, please. I’ll feed her down here, if you’ll make sure the curtains are closed.” Hannah accepted the baby from Abram, and then she adjusted a lightweight shawl over her chest and unpinned her dress bodice.
Abram looked up every few minutes, smiled at the picture of his wife nourishing his daughter, and then returned to his studying. When Hannah was nearly done feeding the baby, he heard his uncle’s voice once again. Strike her. She is showing herself to the world! Abram looked around. Sighing, he spoke. “Shut your mouth, uncle. Hannah, I’ll be in the barn, just to make sure I don’t lose control.”
Hannah stifled a gasp. “You heard him?”
“Ya.” Abram shut his book and headed to the door, still feeling unpredictably calm.
“How do you feel inside?”
“Still calm, but I’m not taking any chances. Lock the doors, just in case.”
Hannah rose and obeyed Abram, who walked over to the barn. Then she waited.
In the barn, Abram walked back and forth, waiting for the unsettled emotions and anger. His heart beat a little harder, but he didn’t feel the familiar, hated anger. He decided to speak his mind to his monster. “Uncle, you have been terrorizing me and my family for too long. I’m doing something about it because I love my family, and I don’t want to hurt them. I’m studying and learning about domestic violence and abusers like you...and me. Ya, uncle, denki for your ‘gift.’ Hannah is a good, Gott-fearing woman. She loves our daughter and me. She has never hurt us. She listens to me and obeys me. We share the bigger decisions. Ya. She has taught me that we can share that and become stronger.”
Again, Abram took stock of his emotions. He was still calmer than he thought he would be. “And, one more thing. My bishop is going to your community and he’s going to tell your bishop about the terror you have been inflicting on my auntie and female cousins.” Abram exhaled, feeling as though a huge weight had fallen off his back.
He closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling as he continued to take stock of his emotions. Even though he felt calm, he remained outside for nearly another hour. Deciding to enjoy Gott’s bounty, he sat outside the barn and watched the calm evening turn into twilight. As the light slowly purpled, he felt a sense of calm that was not brought on by his pill. Looking toward the house, he saw Hannah watching him and holding Eleanor. He waved toward her, beckoning her outside.
Hannah, seeing that Abram was truly calm, decided to join him outside. Sitting next to him, she relinquished Eleanor to Abram’s eager arms. “How are you?”
“Gut! I am so surprised, Hannah. I was...apprehensive, maybe a little nervous after hearing my monster’s voice. I didn’t want to lose control and put you or Eleanor at risk of harm. That’s why I came out here. Then, I had a talk with him. A one-sided talk, where I told him that I am finally doing something about the damage he’s done to me. Then, I told him that Bishop Kurtz is going to his community to talk to his bishop about the abuse he has inflicted on my auntie and my female cousins. Hannah, I feel so much lighter!”
Feeling Eleanor grab his finger, he looked down at the baby. “Eleanor, I just want your life to be so much better than what your cousins have experienced. I would walk through the hottest desert for you and for your mamm.”
That night, Abram’s sleep was restful. He experienced no disturbing dreams. When he woke up, he felt well rested. After breakfast, he took one more pill. Hearing a knock at the front door, he bounded over to answer it, letting in a teen boy. “I’m glad you’re here. I just need to let you know I’m taking a medication that could make me drowsy or foggy, and I’ve been told not to drive until I know how I’ll respond to it. For sure, I’ll have you drive me around for the rest of this week, and then I’ll decide whether I need you next week.”
“Ya, that works, Mr. Beiler. The money will help, too.”
For the rest of that week, Abram felt calm and able to face his monster. As the days went by, he realized that he’d be able to drive his wagon and even work with the fire as he shaped horseshoes. He gladly accepted the help of the boy he’d hired.
Then, on Friday night, he had another vocal dream. Abram! Look at her! She’s a bad woman and she intends to hurt you one day. That is why she wants to make decisions that only you should make. Hit her and make it clear to her that you are the man of the family! Abram’s eyes opened. Knowing the source of the monster’s voice, he no longer looked around. Instead, he sighed tiredly and got out of bed, just in case. Putting on his pants and shoes, he went to the barn, where he could struggle with his anger, just in case. In the barn, Abram sat in the doorway, looking and waiting for his emotions to become dangerous. The voice tried to make him get angry and assault Hannah, who remained in their room, sleeping. Well? What are you waiting for? Permission from Gott?
Finally, Abram spoke. “Zeb, shut up. You want to destroy others’ lives, just as you’ve destroyed yours, my auntie’s and my cousins’. You are a negative, hateful influence. I don’t know what made you this way. All I know is that if you had been stopped all those years ago, maybe they wouldn’t be so bad off. Maybe I wouldn’t be in therapy. Or maybe I would be. You have no influence over me. None.”
Rising, Abram walked around the back yard, just thinking. Again, the destructive, corrosive anger didn’t take him over. Looking at the moon high in the sky, Abram realized he needed to be sleeping. Back in bed, he took Hannah’s hand in his own and dozed off again. In the morning, he told Hannah what had happened.
“You didn’t get angry?”
“Nee. I talked to Zeb again. I told him to shut up and that he had no influence over me anymore.”
Hannah set their breakfast on the table and poured the steaming coffee.
Later that morning, as Abram was making new horseshoes, he heard the clop-clop of horses entering the yard. Poking his head out of the barn door, he smiled as he saw the bishop waving at him. “Bishop! Hold on and I’ll be right out.”
“Nee, I can go in there. I have news for you.” Jumping from his buggy, Joseph entered the barn and began handing implements to Abram as he worked. “I just got back from your uncle’s community and spoke to the bishop and elders there. I told them what you told Eli, the elders and me. He was surprised but interested in your account, and he told me that he and the elders would be going to speak to him. I believe they did so on the same day that I visited.
“Well, I got a phone call from him just a little while ago. He told me that Zeb completely denies ever abusing his wife or daughters. But...I found it highly interesting that Zeb said this...‘If they deserved discipline given in the spirit of Gott’s love, they got it.’ I asked the bishop what he made of that. Abram, I don’t know if you know this, but the elders there have been receiving stories about his harsh treatment of his family and employees for years now. They have seen him attacking the boys that he’s hired. So, putting that together with what you told me and I took to the elders, they a
sked him to repent for his actions. He refused to do so. He said that as the head of the family, he had the right to do whatever he felt necessary, even if he had to strike someone ‘once or twice.’”
Abram dropped his tools and shook his head. He was used to the effects of his medication by now, so he wasn’t surprised when the old, familiar anger didn’t sweep over him. “Wow! He has nerve. So, does this mean that he will be brought before the community?”
“Ya. He will. I don’t know what will happen between now and then. I pray he will repent and get the help he needs.”
“I will pray for that as well.”
“Abram, the bishop told me that Zeb was extremely upset during their discussion. For your safety, as well as that of your family here, I urge you to be watchful. He may come here to confront you.”
Abram hadn’t thought of that possibility. Setting his tools down once again, he beckoned the bishop to join him at the doorway to the barn. “I’d better let my daed and mamm know, then. After I finish my work for the day, Hannah and I will take Eleanor to warn my family, as well as hers.”
“That’s a gut idea. If you see him—”
“Call you?”
“I don’t know if you’ll have the time. Nee. Grab the family and go to Eli’s. Or to Deacon King’s house. I’ll be telling both of them what has happened and what may happen if your uncle does come here. They’ll be ready at any time, if it does happen.”
“Denki, bishop.”
“I’d better go. You have work to finish, and then you need to alert your families. We’ll see you at service tomorrow!”
“Ya, we’ll be there.” Abram swallowed, feeling the slight edge of nervousness. As the bishop departed, he looked up and down the roads surrounding his land. Nothing. Cleaning up and putting everything away, he ran into the house. “Hannah!”
“Ya, what is it? Did something happen?”
“As it turns out, it did.” Abram repeated to Hannah what Bishop Kurtz had told him. “So, we need to go visit both of our parents and let them know what may happen. The bishop told me that if he comes here, not to bother making any phone calls, just to get into the barn, hitch the horses and go to Eli’s or to Deacon King’s. He’s telling them now what he just told me.”
Amish Love Be Kind 3-Book Boxed Set Page 17