by T Gephart
A Time for Hope
T Gephart
Published by T Gephart
Copyright 2014 T Gephart
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This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and scenarios are products of the writers’ imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.
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Table of Contents
Prologue
1 - Re-entry
2 - Bad Ass Lexi
3 - Covert Ops
4 - The Way Back
5 - Back in the Saddle
6 - The Offer
7 - Full Disclosure
8 - Frustration and Friction
9 - Indecent Proposal
10 - Coffee and the Pitch
11 - Strategies and Ceremonies
12 - Best Laid Plans
13 - Betrayal
14 - Closing Ranks
15 - And one for the Corps
16 - The Long Goodbye
17 - The Test
18 - Knocked Up
19 - Reunited
20 - Mid-air Madness
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Books by this Author
Prologue
THE KNOCK came too soon. Groaning, I stretched out of the chair I had been curled up on and made my way to the door of Alex’s apartment. He hated it when I called it “his” apartment, but it had never really felt like home, not mine anyway. The walls that had once seemed so welcoming were now a reminder of how separated I was from the outside world. While I needed a barrier from the chaos that surrounded my life right now, I also resented the protection it afforded me. It reminded me of my own inadequacies. My head was a fucked-up mess, a loop on constant replay that I couldn’t stop. My once carefree and confident self had since dissolved and now a scared little girl was in its place.
I knew exactly what waited for me on the other side of that door. I knew what opening it meant, and it was for this reason I hesitated at the threshold. I was looking forward to therapy like I was looking forward to a root canal. It’s not that I thought it was bullshit, I just didn’t subscribe to it for myself. In my head, I couldn’t reconcile with the fact that I might need some assistance to work these issues out. I had been sorting through my own crazy for so long that having a professional to help me now seemed almost redundant. Where to even start?
“Lexi.” Dr. Sarah Hart stretched out her hand. Her bright smile was warm, but professional, as was her tailored suit. She was a beautiful woman in a very understated way. Her mousy brown hair was swept neatly in a chignon that was secured at the back of her head. Her hazel eyes seemed kind. “I’m glad you finally made time for me.”
“Hello, Dr. Hart. Please come in.” I failed miserably at trying to contain my displeasure with the situation as I guided her into the living room, a room I spent little time in these days. The clean lines and minimalism of the room made the space seem almost sterile. Alex was simplistic in his design choices. My husband was into function over form and despised clutter and this was reflected in his choice of furniture. It hadn’t really bothered me in the past, but now it seemed amplified. Stark. Cold.
“Lexi, call me Sarah.” She shrugged off her jacket as I gestured to the couch. “I’m guessing you still aren’t pleased with the prospect of therapy?” She settled into position as she watched me carefully.
“I’m trying.” I lied as she eased into her seat across from me. Honestly, the thought of cracking myself open terrified me. I sunk into my own seat, unsure of where this would lead.
“That’s all I ask.” She pulled out a note pad and pen from her briefcase. I had no idea she was going to be taking notes. I thought we were just going to be talking. What were the notes for? I was already regretting this decision. I was not down with being a lab rat. The thought of being analyzed made me want to hyperventilate, but I swallowed the emotion. I could pretend. I could give her enough to satisfy her.
“Are you OK with me taking some notes?” I wondered if she had sensed my hesitation or if it was just protocol. I gave her a permissive nod even though I really didn’t want my thoughts about our discussion archived.
“So. How are you sleeping?” She smiled. Glad to see we’ve jumped right in and are not wasting time with the how-are-you-feeling bullshit. I was expecting a little friendly foreplay, maybe an inkblot test or something, where I try to pretend I see a snail instead of a penis. I had even practiced some quick response words that were decidedly inoffensive on the off chance we did word association.
“Fine.” Lie. I barely slept unless I swallowed one of the sleeping pills she had prescribed, and when I did close my eyes, the nightmares were on a constant loop.
“What about your appetite? Are you eating regularly?” She paused awaiting my response.
“Fine.” Another lie. Food made my stomach turn, its nourishment seemed almost offensive to me right now. I was doing well, wasn’t I? So much for giving it a try, Lexi. I just didn’t want her to see the truth, and the lies just seemed easier to say. I excused the fact I was sprouting bullshit with the knowledge that I was protecting myself, but the dishonesty still simmered uncomfortably within me. I felt like a fraud.
“How are things with you and Alex?” Sarah eyed me curiously as she scribbled furiously on her pad.
“Fine.” My mouth was now on autopilot and the word flew straight out. I didn’t even think as it spilled from my lips. It had been too rehearsed, I should have hesitated.
Sarah closed her notepad and put down her pen. “I thought you were going to give this a try?” It seemed that my thinly veiled ruse was up, the disappointment carried in her tone.
“What do you want me to say?” I shrugged. Jesus, when did I turn into such an arsehole? My evasive behaviour wasn’t fooling anyone, and I was already sick of myself.
“You can start by being honest with me. This only works if you trust me. What would you like to talk about?” Sarah tented her fingers in front of her, her voice level despite me wasting her time. She seemed sincere, though I wondered why. Why did she want to help me? What did she stand to gain? She was going to be paid either way so why feel the need to push it? Push me? There were too many ways I saw this ending badly if I opened my mouth, plus it was angering me that I hadn’t been convincing enough, that she had seen through my façade.
“I don’t think you really want to hear what I have to say.”
“Try me.” She raised her eyebrows and nodded.
“Honestly, I don’t want to talk to you.” I stood up, no longer able to remain in my seat as a surge of energy burst through me. “I only agreed because it’s what I’m supposed to do. And you know what? What is pissing me off most of all right now? I don’t remember becoming a person who did what they were ‘supposed’ to do.” My feet paced agitatedly as the volume of my voice grew. “Hilarious right? That who I am now gives a shit. When the fuck did that happen? When did I become someone who cared about what people thought?” I stopped pacing and dragged my hands through my hair. “When did opinion start to matter to me or shape my actions? You want to write that down?” I pointed to th
e fancy pen that now lay idly across her notepad. “The fact that while I should be telling you about my fucked up dreams, my lack of appetite or that my husband hasn’t touched me in so long I’ve forgotten what it feels like, I’m raging against the fact that I’m no longer who I used to be, and I have no fucking idea how to get back there.” It was like the detonator had been flicked, and I had no control over the fall out. As the words bubbled, the mix of anger, hurt, rejection, sadness and disgust twisted into a mutation of black emotion I couldn’t contain.
“I used to know who I was. Sure, I wasn’t perfect, but I was me. Now I have no fucking idea how to be me, or who I even am. I second-guess myself every minute, every action. I second-guess everyone else too. Everyone’s watching, gauging me and it’s suffocating. I hate it. I hate what I’ve become. I hate that I’m supposed to be healing right now, and that I’m not. Most of all I hate myself because part of me wishes he had killed me that night so that no one else, especially not Alex, has to deal with me and my fucked up shit.”
Alex stood motionless in the doorway. I hadn’t heard him come in, though given my vocal eruption, he could have entered leading a marching band procession, and I still wouldn’t have noticed. I wasn’t sure how much he’d had the displeasure of hearing, but gauging by his reaction, it had been enough for him to know I’d snapped.
“Alex, could you give us a moment?” Sarah cautioned, her eyes darting between us. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from him. What the hell had come over me? How could I have said those things? I wasn’t sure if it was horror or hurt in his eyes, but whatever the emotion was, he wore it because I had put it there.
“No.” He moved into the room, his jaw tense.
“Alex, I really think that I need to talk to Lexi alone. I promise you she is in good hands,” She insisted as she lifted herself from her chair.
“No.” He continued walking until he stood in front of me. “I’m not leaving.”
“Alex, you should go.” I pushed up out of my chair, my feet finding the floor. I wasn’t sure if I was protecting him or myself.
“I’m not leaving Lexi. I can’t walk away. I walked away once before, remember? Even though deep down it killed me, I only left back then because I didn’t know you loved me, so now that I do know, there is no chance of me walking out that door. None. So you see, leaving right now is not an option for me. I heard what you said, but you don’t get to decide whether or not I take this on. That’s on me. That’s my choice.”
“Alex…” He gently placed his hand over my mouth before I continued my protest.
“Do you think I could just forget you if you were gone? That you haven’t irrevocably changed who I am and my life? Do you think that I could just replace you with someone else? Tell me. Tell me baby, how you would see that scenario playing out? How I could go on without you.” He gently moved his fingers from my lips and lightly grazed my cheek. His eyes were fierce with intent, but not with anger. My heart was broken that he had to wear this pain, my pain.
“Baby, there is nowhere else for me other than here, with you. I burn for you Lexi, I want to tear myself apart for what he did to you, that I couldn’t prevent it and now that I can’t take away your hurt. There is a rage inside of me Lexi, and I would do anything to go back in time, to stop this from happening. If there was something I could do right now to change it, there is no question, I would do it, no matter what the cost. But baby, you don’t get to take away my choices. You can’t control how deeply I love you and whether or not I get to deal with your shit. That rests on me. And no matter how painful it is to deal with, it’s infinitely easier than losing you.” His intensity did not falter as he gazed into my eyes. “So you see, there is no choice to make, and I’m going to do the one thing that no one has ever done for you. Not because I feel sorry for you or because I feel obligated, but because I refuse to give up on you, even if you have given up on yourself. I’m going to fight for you Lexi. I’m going to fight for you because you are worth fighting for, and I will fight every second of every day until you come back to me, whole.”
“What if I can’t get there? What if this is all I’m ever going to be?” My voice was shallow. I was fractured and broken, so being whole seemed like a pipe dream to me.
He shook his head defiantly. “You have always been enough for me just as you are baby. I told you once before, there is nothing that could make me stop loving you. I need you Lexi, I need you in my life, and I need to be in yours. This isn’t about fixing you, this is about you accepting that you aren’t alone anymore.” In his eyes I saw his fierce resolution. I knew that any doubts that remained were mine.
I was no longer alone.
Chapter 1
Re-entry
ALEX WRAPPED his arms around me while I mindlessly pushed around the scrambled eggs on my plate. Sitting at the breakfast bar while he casually sipped his coffee, it was easy to think it was just another morning. The last few weeks had gone a long way to relieve the tension between us, but I wasn’t deluding myself into thinking that it was going to solve our issues and throw us back into marital bliss.
“So, you have any plans for today?” I mumbled, shoving the now cold eggs into my mouth. That’s what normal couples did right? Talk about their day?
“Actually, I do. James and I are going to go over a tour schedule with Chris. She wanted to finalize the timeline.” He carefully brushed the hair away from my neck.
“Oh. There’s a meeting? Shit. I must have missed the memo.” I bolted upright, looking for my iPhone. Crap. When was the last time I had checked my emails? I was back at work, nominally, but Matt and Anna had been handling most things since... Damn. I needed to get back in the game. I felt like I had dropped the ball on work lately, and I really need to get my head back into it. It was the one thing I had no doubts about. In the business world I was still Lexi Reed.
“Baby, the reason you didn’t know about it was because there wasn’t a memo. The rest of the guys aren’t going to be there. It’s just the two of us and Chris.” He gently eased me back onto the stool. “Enjoy your breakfast. Besides, you have plans of your own this morning.”
I was mildly annoyed at not being included in the meeting, sure as PR representation to the band Power Station I wasn’t required to be there, but hell, I was more than just the representation. I thought I was part of the team, not to mention the wife of the lead guitarist who was one of the founding members of the band. Damn it. Why wasn’t I invited?
Easy there, Yoko. It’s his band. Yes you work with them, but it’s still his band, and you really don’t need to be there. Control freak much? Ugh.
“What plans?” I blinked, focusing on the one detail that wasn’t pissing me off. I really didn’t want to fight with him this morning.
My confusion grew as a buzz came from the front door. “Expecting someone?” I raised an eyebrow, just now noticing that he was fully clothed in a fitted white t-shirt and blue jeans, while I was still lounging around in one of his t-shirts and a pair of shorts.
He shot me a devilish smile over his shoulder that told me that he knew exactly who was at the door as he sauntered over to open it. Obviously this was something to do with my plans? The plans that up until now I had no idea were mine and no one had bothered to tell me. HELLO... Didn’t we already establish I was a control freak?
“Jesus Christ, Stone. It looks like Ikea threw up in this place.” Taylah’s massive personality burst into the room before I even saw her.
Taylah Nixon, my former neighbour and possibly my most honest friend was a breath of fresh air. Her witty and unique presence had made my early days in New York not only more pleasurable, but had helped ease me into my new life. What had started as an unlikely friendship was now one of my lifelines.
“TAYLAH,” I screamed as I leaped of the stool and ran to the front door.
“Hey Lex!” She gave me one-armed hug as she pulled her large Jackie-O styled sunglasses from her eyes and surveyed the room.
“I didn’t
shop at Ikea, Taylah.” Alex smiled as he rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, Yeah... I can smell the meatballs from here. You know, I get the whole clean lines bullshit you’re going for, but we could do with a few pieces that aren’t mass-produced.” I loved that Taylah was her usually busy self and wasn’t focusing on my apparent fragile state.
Taylah and Dave had visited me briefly before I was discharged from hospital, but since my release I had been holed up in the apartment. I had thrown myself back into work, mostly from home, and had used the absence to develop project ‘rebuilding’ Lexi. We had spoken constantly on the phone, but she had been respectful about giving me space and time to heal. Our longer than usual separation didn’t seem to matter to Taylah—one of the things I loved about her—and I was so glad she wasn’t getting hung up on the how-are-you’s and you’re-looking-so-well’s that everyone else had spouted when they visited me.
“Tay. What are you doing here?” I asked, wondering if she was here for something other than a postmortem on Alex’s decorating style.
“I invited her,” Alex smiled in satisfaction. “The two of you have a date.”
“Huh?” I stared in confusion between them. It seemed that I was the only one apparently out of the loop.
“Lexi, the Dow Jones plummeted sixteen points since you last hit 5th Avenue. Wall Street is in a slump. We’ve got to get you spending before businesses close down, and there is rioting in the streets. The poor skinny poor bitch from Prada is going to have to get her soy, non-fat latte from a McCafe instead of Starbucks, and she’s already had to downgrade from a Venti to a Grande. The country needs you.” Taylah proclaimed dramatically.
The first real laugh in what seemed like weeks burst through my lips. “You’re a freaking nut case.”