“I’m not used to drinking.” True.
Sam kept his arm extended and tipped the bottom of the bottle towards me. “Something tells me that you need a pick-me-up.”
“I’m fine.” Not true.
“Take it… Unless you want something stronger.”
“No.” I grabbed the bottle. I really wanted to accept the “something stronger” offer, but that would have made it crystal clear I wasn’t fine at all.
“I’m sorry for putting you in the spotlight tonight. You were amazing, but I feel as if I’d asked you to walk on stage stark naked.”
I’d been about to take a sip of my fresh beer, but I stopped midway. Sam’s shoulders were pulled low and he rubbed his chest as if in pain. I’d felt like shit until now, but that really didn’t help.
“You were right to push me.” I searched for his gaze, “Thanks for believing in me. Not many people do.”
He nodded with the ghost of a smile. “So what happened for you to look like the walking dead?”
I took a sip of the fresh beer and forced myself to lie back on the sofa. “Tonight or in general?”
Sam chuckled. “Just tonight. The rest of the time, you look very alive to me.” And another one of Sam’s all-over looks. How could the guy be such a flirt without turning sleazy?
“Josh showed up at the Turf.”
“Did you have an argument?”
“We didn’t talk.”
“So you managed to piss each other off without even talking. Whoa!” Sam rubbed his chin. “Remind me never to get married.”
It was my turn to chuckle. It kind of loosened my muscles and I took a deep breath while staring at the ceiling.
“What did Josh get angry about?”
My eyes trailed back to Sam. “A song I played.”
“Which one?”
“Lucas.”
He tilted his head and didn’t answer for a while. “Is Josh an orphan?”
I gasped, “Noooo.”
“Then what?”
I shuffled on the sofa and leaned forward to place the bottle on the coffee table. I rubbed the back of my neck, then touched my ear and cleared my throat. I needed to get out of the one-on-one conversation I’d had with myself since leaving Steep Hill and Woodie behind.
“Josh and I, we’re not just married. We also had… have a baby.”
Sam swept the damp hair away from his face. “Back in the U.S.?”
“In Kansas City. He’s five… and his name is Lucas.”
“What are you doing here then?” His question slapped me and I flinched. “Sorry, Cassie. I didn’t mean to be rude. You’re a good person. There must be a reason for you to leave your kid behind.”
I wasn’t sure about that anymore.
“Lucas was adopted at birth. It was an open adoption. That means I kept in contact with his parents. I even saw him a couple of times every year.” A lump appeared in my throat and broke my voice. I coughed and, when I trusted myself to speak again, explained. “But last month, his adoptive parents were in a car crash. They died.”
“Was Lucas in the car as well?”
I shook my head violently. Just that thought made my body crumple in on itself. “No, but he was put into foster care. I spent a couple of years there too, after my mom died. I can’t let that happen to him.” My fists tightened. “I won’t let that happen.”
“You want to adopt Lucas, but Josh wants a divorce.” Sam made a choking noise. “How can that douchebag ask for one anyway? I mean now, of all times?”
I couldn’t meet Sam’s eyes anymore and focused on one of my palms instead, following the lines on it with my index finger.
“You’re not telling me everything, are you?”
My voice was weak when I managed to say the words, “I never told Josh about Lucas. Not until a couple of days ago.”
“The guy must have shit a brick.” Well, not really. Josh could have gone totally ballistic. He hadn’t. “He had no idea you were pregnant?”
“He did, but I told him I’d had an abortion. He got early admission to Georgetown. My gran was very sick and I had to stay in Kansas to look after her. Josh would have been stuck with us. It would’ve ruined his life. I wanted the best for him… and for our baby.”
Those were all the good reasons Jack MacBride had kept hammering on me.
I hid my face in my hands. Guilt made my skin tingle. I wanted to hide under the sofa and never show my face again. I felt movement towards me, then hands over my hands, pulling them away from my face. Sam sat on the edge of the coffee table. His thumbs circled the insides of my wrists.
“You must think I’m a selfish skank who got rid of her kid because she couldn’t be bothered to look after it.”
“I sure don’t, Cassie. On the contrary, you took everyone’s feelings into account, except your own.”
“But I lied to Josh, I gave up my baby, and my grandmother died inside watching me waiting tables in the same shithole day in, day out.”
“You were in a ‘lose-lose’ situation back then. Whatever you did, there was a price to pay. But what about now? Lucas could get adopted again by someone else.”
“Lucas isn’t a baby anymore. He has a past. That makes him damaged goods for many people. I can’t stand the idea of him waiting for a couple to fall enough in love with him to take him home. The rejection stays with you forever. Believe me…” Years later, it still stung.
“You could adopt him on your own.”
I wrung my hands. “A freshly-divorced, single mom with no education, who abandoned her kid in the first place… It’s not gonna cut it. That’s what Social Services told me anyway when I went to Kansas City. I came here just to tell Josh the truth, but now… well, I’ve been thinking we could be a family for Lucas, at least until…”
“Until you decide to let Josh go?”
“Or until he leaves.”
“Fine, but what about what you want?” Sam pulled gently on my joined hands as if to force a point out of me.
“I want Lucas to—“
“—No, what do you want for yourself, for your future?”
I shifted again on the sofa because I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. I’d just explained what I wanted.
The buzz of the entrance door saved me from giving an answer I didn’t have. I checked my watch. 3:12 a.m.
“Who’s calling at this time of night?” I asked.
Sam was already standing. He moved like a cat towards the window and pushed the edge of the drawn curtain to one side. He peeked at the entrance. His body language switched from intense to relaxed. I guessed whoever it was didn’t look like a serial killer because Sam went to open the door.
I heard a “Come in.”
Sam made it back to the living room. Josh followed close behind.
eighteen
I jumped to my feet and pulled at my T-shirt to keep my hands busy. No sound made it through my lips. Josh was just as mute.
“Do you want to see him now?” Sam stood between Josh and me. The little I had told Sam about my husband had been enough to make him suspicious.
“I’m fine, Sam. I really am.”
“I’ll leave the two of you alone then.” Sam walked past me and his hand brushed mine. It was subtle but I knew Josh had noticed. Sam then buried his hands in the pockets of his track pants and reminded me, “Don’t forget about my question, Kitten.”
I still didn’t have a clue what he was getting at, but I nodded.
His footsteps made the floorboards of the staircase and the landing creak. The sound of a door closing upstairs told me he was now back in his room. And I was left alone with Josh.
“I don’t usually knock on people’s doors shortly before dawn.” Josh didn’t look at ease.
“We weren’t sleeping.” Well obviously. “There was so much to do at the pub after tonight. I helped out. And then we were just talking about the Libs… you know, stuff like that.” Stop rambling.
Josh stared at me. I wanted to stare
back but my eyes only flickered around the outline of his body. He was dressed the same way as earlier at the Turf. A blue shirt loosely tucked into jeans. Trendy sneakers whose brand hadn’t made it yet to Kansas. I guessed that was “dressed-down Josh” these days.
“You’re drinking now?” He pointed at the bottles spread over the coffee table. “You used to hate the taste of booze.”
“It’s been a long day.”
“I guess you’re right.”
Another pause.
Still not a hint from him. Or from me.
So I grew some balls. “I’m sorry for singing that stupid song. It was mean and you didn’t deserve me aiming that low.”
Josh lifted his hands, palms facing me. “That isn’t why I’m here. I mean, I’m not here to argue. I’m not even here to talk about the divorce.” God, the “D-word” kind of punched me in the guts each time. “I’m here to talk about Lucas.”
My knees buckled, and I flopped back into the sofa.
Josh did the same. I mean, he didn’t flop, but sat down. Even from there, I could taste the scent of his after-shave. The same as when he started shaving at fourteen. Lemony scent and kind of old-fashioned. I used to tease him about it endless.
“I need to fill in the blanks. I’m looking back at our senior year and it’s like it never happened.” Hope must have lit up my face like a freakin’ beacon because he rushed to the next words. “I mean, it happened but I missed most of the real action.”
Talking was better than arguing, so I accepted the truce. “Where do you want to start?”
He let out a heavy breath and settled against the arm of the sofa. Had he expected me to kick him out?
“Have you seen Lucas after his parents… died?”
That wasn’t the easiest point to start with. I clutched at myself, elbows pressed to my side.
“I saw him before I flew to England.” Lucas’s little face tugged at my heart. “He was already in a foster family, with two other kids. With Chris and Jenna, he was always the king of the castle. He kept asking when his parents were coming back from vacation. I just didn’t know what to answer. I came up with some bullshit about God making the decision.”
I’d never asked about my mom, when she’d ever be back from vacation, not even later on when I was safe with Gran. There was nothing to miss.
“Chris and Jenna…” Josh paused after their names. “Did they have family? People who could look after Lucas, visit him?”
“Jenna’s father is still alive and that’s how I knew about the car crash. But he’s seventy-five. He can’t drive, he can’t move much. He can hardly take care of himself, so a five-year-old boy…”
Unlike me, Lucas wouldn’t be saved by a grandparent.
Josh seemed to process the information. “But before the accident, did you visit him often? What kind of boy is he?”
“He was the happiest kid I’d ever seen. Cute and chubby, and he has your dimples.” My fingers flew to Josh’s right cheek. He didn’t recoil at my touch, but I pulled my fingers back anyway. “He’s also naughty and always looking for trouble.”
“So not a good boy like I used to be?” Josh’s eyes sparkled, and I killed my need to drop a kiss on each of his eyelids.
“He gets that from me. Real issues with authority.”
“Did you get to see him a lot over the years?”
“Maybe twice a year... Around his birthday and Christmas. Chris and Jenna were real nice about it. They never acted defensive, but…” I looked around the room to find the strength to continue. “But it was hard to be close to him, to see him grow so much from one time to the next, to…” I forced myself to stare back at Josh. “I wanted to bottle up the way his skin and his hair smelled, so that I could remember him while I was away.”
Josh’s hand shifted from his knee towards me and slowly he interweaved his fingers with mine. So much had changed about him, but not his fingers. They were still long and elegant, a promise for great things. His skin was warm against mine and sent a tingle through the rest of my body.
He altered his position to sit cross-legged like I was, but he kept his hand on mine. His jaw tightened, a sure sign something was boiling inside.
“When you told me about the abortion, I kept having that same nightmare again and again… seeing you going through it, the act itself, in some sordid clinic. It haunted me.” Shame made me take my hand back but he stopped my movement by holding my wrist tight. His pressure was gentle but firm. “Now, it’s the birth I keep imagining. I’m angry you excluded me from it, but I can’t bear the idea of you going through it on your own.”
My mind walked back down memory lane. “Chris and Jenna wanted to be with me, but I asked them not to. Since you wouldn’t be there, I had to do it on my own. Maybe I was punishing myself.” My sight blurred. My nose tingled. Tears were coming my way, but I fought them hard and won. “Maybe I just knew there wouldn’t be another time where my son belonged entirely to me.”
Josh nodded. In a weird way, I felt he really got it. “How did it go?”
“It was awful. I wanted to swear the whole time but I couldn’t let it be the first thing the baby heard.” Josh and I shared a chuckle. “I also had that crazy idea I didn’t want any drugs. I was scared it’d take some of the connection away between the baby and me. But after twelve hours of labor and contractions—“
Josh went livid. “Twelve hours!”
I nodded, my tummy tightened with memories. “And it was all for nothing because it ended up in a C-section.”
“Why?”
“The baby’s heartbeat crashed. There was no other choice.”
Josh turned my other hand so that the palms faced up. His thumbs lay on my pulse. The gesture was close to what Sam had done earlier, but the effect on me was completely different. Blood, all warm and crazy, rushed through my veins. My upper body tilted forward, but I forced my spine up
“Was Lucas okay?”
“Yes. It went so fast. I didn’t have time to freak out.” Not even afterwards, when things went all wrong for me.
“And what about you?”
After all those years, he could still read my thoughts.
“There were some complications. The scar didn’t heal well internally. The doctors call it adhesion. It’s like having period pains between your periods.”
“So you must get even crankier than usual.”
“Yep.” I knew Josh’s half-smile was reflected in mine. He’d been the first one I talked to when I had my period. Even before Gran. That was how close we were.
“But apart from that, you recovered okay?”
I felt the smile drop from my face. I disengaged from Josh and turned my body. My bare feet landed on the floor. But Josh didn’t let me go. His arm encircled my waist and his hand grasped my hip. His face came to within one inch of mine and his breath caressed my cheek.
“Cass, tell me you were fine.” I didn’t answer, so he repeated. “Tell me you are fine.”
“I don’t know.”
“What kind of answer is that?” That was how Josh always managed to get the truth out of me. I’d only been able to fool him once.
I rubbed my hands over the front of my jeans. “The doctors don’t know if I’ll be able to have another baby.”
Josh’s fingers tightened over me. “I am sorry.”
His words startled me, and I had to check firsthand if he was telling the truth. Sadness colored his hazel eyes, and a frown narrowed the space between his eyebrows. He wasn’t faking.
I shrugged my shoulders anyway. “Maybe that’s what I deserve.”
Josh’s free hand cradled my cheek and turned my face towards him. I resisted but finally our eyes locked. “Explain.”
No, I really didn’t want to explain, didn’t want to go down that old road that I’d walked on so many times late at night.
“I want it out.” He searched for the truth in my eyes, and I didn’t want to lie again.
“Maybe God’s punishing me. May
be I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve happiness.” I bit down on that last word.
His hand slid down my cheek and came to rest in the hollow of my neck before finishing its journey onto my shoulder. He shook his head. At least I thought he had because it was such a tiny move. He shut his eyes and silence filled the narrow space between us.
“I’m still angry with you, Cass. I truly am, but God isn’t punishing you. Whatever you did, right or wrong, it has cost you a hell of a lot already.”
I let his words soothe me. “I’m sorry, Josh. I’m truly sorry for what I did. You kept talking about doing the “right thing.” I felt so unworthy of you, so unworthy of being your wife, the mother of your child. I thought I’d do you and Lucas a service by letting you go.”
Six years. It’d taken me six years to put words on that darkness deep inside me.
He leaned toward me, his eyes searching mine. I breathed in, and my shoulders slumped as I exhaled. Josh’s hands enclosed my neck without pressure. His thumbs brushed my earlobes. Our breathing was in sync, as were our heartbeats. I could feel the pulse in his wrists beating against the sides of my chin. The invisible bond between us shortened.
Our heads bent forward, an inch at a time, until our foreheads touched. I let his lemony scent wrap around me and the hazel of his eyes filter into me. The tips of our noses brushed against each other. Josh twisted his face slightly, once… and again. It was our signature kiss.
A kiss without a kiss.
From up close, I lost myself in the sight of his mouth, of his lips. I’d known them all my life. They’d been mine. The words they said, the smiles they gave, the kisses they…
Josh’s lips brushed mine. I wanted to respond, to take a plunge but his hands kept my face from moving while he massaged my mouth with his. He nibbled at my lower lip, his tongue caressing its edge. With a shiver, I leaned against him, my breasts against his chest.
I wanted more, so much more… But I backed off as if scalding water had splashed over my whole body. I grabbed Josh’s hands and tore myself away. I sprung to my feet and stepped backwards to put a safe distance between us.
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