My fingers brushed at his cheeks, slid along his neck, buried themselves in his hair. I moved even closer until the tip of my nose touched his. I heard the sound of his breath trapped in his throat. Our eyes locked. I moved my face against his in our secret way, our kiss without a kiss. But it wasn’t enough. In his next breath, his mouth reached for mine.
There was no foreplay, no tugging, no teasing. Our tongues collided like a war. His hands grabbed my butt, pushed my hips against his, and I loved feeling him hard. Hard for me, only me. He lifted me as if I were feather light. My legs twined around his waist, my arms scraping against the fine hairs at the base of his neck. I wanted to fade into him.
In a few strides, he’d crossed my tiny room. He knelt and bent forward until my back rested on the mattress. My legs still circled around him. The second our lips parted, I whimpered. Josh’s hands reached for the back of his collar and pulled his T-shirt over his head like I’d seen him do so many times. I loved the way his hands removed each article of clothing. I’d seen him shirtless before, but my memories didn’t do justice to the real thing.
I took support on my elbows and lifted myself up. My eyes ran through the sharp lines of his shoulders, the bulge of his pecs. The six-pack I’d known was still there, but what I loved the most were the sinewy muscles that went down into his jeans in a deep V. There was no hair spoiling the softness of his skin. I licked my upper lip.
The fire in his eyes told me he was hungry for me. His pupils were dilated as if he were high. “Your body spoiled me for life.”
I let his fingers make their way up my thighs, under the hem of my bunched-up dress. I expected him to reach for my panties, but he stopped at the edge. The ache between my legs begged for him to go farther. His eyes searched my face. He hesitated. I didn’t want him to.
“Please.” The word made it through my dry throat.
His jaw tensed. “After you, no one was ever enough.”
“After you, there was no one.”
He plunged toward me. His hand grabbed the back of my neck. His mouth owned me but he kept the rest of his body cut from mine. He stopped kissing me with a groan. With both his hands he untied my dress from around my neck. Slowly, the top slid down my breasts, my tummy, finished wrapped up around my waist. I looked down at myself without any shame as if being naked in front of Josh was totally natural.
He lowered his head and nibbled at my breasts, one after the other, flicking them with his tongue. They swelled under his steady touch, and I swear his sucking granted me an extra cup size. That’s when I felt the tips of his fingers tracing a path over my skin, along the edge of my panties. He started at my hip, ended between my legs.
I whimpered again.
The corner of his mouth lifted. His finger made his way beneath my panties, deep inside of me. His thumb played with me. That part of my body turned into a volcano. I wanted to let it erupt with all the pleasure I hadn’t felt, with all the orgasms Josh had kept from me. For six long years.
I swept out of my mind the images of him giving them to other girls, to another girl. Tonight, it was my turn. I wouldn’t be sharing.
He unwrapped my legs from around his waist, put them back together and made my panties slide along them. He threw them somewhere on the threadbare carpet and stood to get rid of his jeans, his boxer shorts.
I swallowed. Hard.
My memories hadn’t been fair to Josh at all. Seeing him like that, hard and ready, I worried about my own size.
“I won’t hurt you, Cass.”
He spread my legs wide. I didn’t have time to feel exposed or embarrassed or mortified. His face was already buried between my legs. His tongue filled me, then tracked up to that over-sensitive part. He brushed it, tickled it. First it was a tease, then it built up inside, so strong I wanted to burst.
He broke contact and looked at me. “Are you okay with this? We never did it before.”
I nodded. At that point, I was up for pretty much anything as long as it involved Josh, me and the mattress. Although the floor could do as well.
He was good at it. Very good. Not that I could compare it to anything or anyone else, but waves of pleasure rippled through me. They were so delicious that I wanted to taste them. His fingers grazed at my entrance, parted me, then withdrew, grazed again. He was killing me.
I lifted my arms and my hands took hold of the pillow underneath my head, clutching the material. The waves stopped. Tension replaced them, building up inside me. I was like a string stretched to the max and I needed some release. I wanted to explode, but at the same time, I had to hold on to it a little longer. And that contradiction took me even further to the cliff.
“Let yourself go, Cassie. Take it.” He placed his palms flat on the insides of my legs and spread me even wider.
“I want to make it last,” I whispered.
He kissed my inner thighs. “We’re a long way from dawn.”
Our gazes crashed into each other over my body. I nodded again. I let my head fall back against the pillow and Josh led me to where I wanted to be.
I came. Long and hard. I was burning from the inside. I cried out, with my eyes shut and the pleasure buzzing between my ears. My body shook and trembled and it kept me going a little longer.
I felt my dress sliding from my waist, down my body, then Josh lay beside me. His heat comforted me. His hand rested flat on my tummy as if he owned what had happened inside, as if he could make it happen all over again by whirling his fingers and saying “abracadabra.”
And I believed he could do just that. Josh MacBride: Quarterback, Ivy Leaguer… magician.
I chuckled.
“What’s so funny?”
I opened my eyes, turned my head. His face was a few inches from mine, sharing the same pillow.
“A six-year dry-spell and I catch up in one single shot.”
Heat tickled my cheeks. TMI. TMI. Did I need to look like a total loser who couldn’t get laid?
He moved sideways so that his body—every naked part of it—brushed against mine. He flexed his arm and slid it underneath his head. His free hand danced over my belly, the top of my thighs, the space between my breasts. He made a point of just missing the place he’d been so focused on minutes earlier.
“You never met anyone?”
Here we go. The territory I didn’t want to step foot into with him.
“I wasn’t looking for anyone.” I hoped it made me look less pathetic, and it was the truth.
“Not even for a night? Not even for a touch, a moment?”
“I was lonely.” I could admit that much. “But the few times I came close, my body couldn’t go through it, as if I was still carrying Lucas’s memory inside me.” Your memory. “Sex couldn’t fill in for what I’d lost.”
His fingers froze and fell flat over my tummy, like they’d been before. Only it wasn’t the same intensity burning from his palm. I risked a glance at him. When I did, my throat tightened. His face had frozen, his lips were pressed together. His hand grew heavier.
His voice had cracks in it when he said, “The last time I saw you, before you left Steep Hill, you weren’t showing.” He hid his sad smile in the crook of his elbow. “I wish I could have seen you with my baby growing inside. You must have been so beautiful.”
I ignored the sob I’d trapped in my throat because I saw a single tear tracking down his cheek. My shaking hand reached for it and my thumb swept it away. He would have made me feel beautiful, sexy even. He would have given sense to my belly stretching endlessly. Back then, the only meaning I had for it was loss. Remorse and regret. Shame and guilt.
I turned sideways and my hand cupped his face, my thumb now at the crease of his eye.
“Don’t cry. I’ve hurt you enough. Back then and now.”
I gave him a light kiss. He breathed heavily and went after my mouth. Feverish. Kissing Josh was like a therapy. His finger traced the length of the scar left by the C-section. His touch was like one of those expensive body creams I coul
dn’t afford, nurturing, appeasing. Indulgent.
I wanted to give back some of the comfort he brought to me. I shifted my body to lie on top of him. Taking support on his chest, I straddled him. He was still hard and I rocked my hips over the length of him, sending electricity along my spine, down to the space between my legs.
But he was the one who groaned. His hands moved up my ribcage to cradle the side of my breasts. Then he took hold of my face and pulled me toward him and kissed me. It was a different kiss from the ones we had before. Filled with what he couldn’t say.
My fingers wrapped around him.
“Wait.”
His arm reached for his jeans lying near the mattress on the carpet. He grabbed his wallet, then with a jerky hand removed a condom. I bit my lip. How could I even forget about that? I might never get pregnant again, but if anyone should know about the risks of unprotected sex, it was me.
And Josh.
I watched him unfold the small square, swiftly putting it in place.
When his hands clutched my hips, I forgot all about it. He lifted me up, freeing himself, balanced me over his tip. I was on top, but he was in charge. Again. I was naked like a newborn, deep in action, but it was his eyes on me that tipped me over the edge.
He lowered me. I gasped as I slid along him, and he filled me until I couldn’t take any more of him. He swallowed hard and his hold on me tightened. He devoured me with his eyes and my cheeks burned.
“Make love to me, Cass. With every part of you. I want everything.”
My hips started moving, dancing, back and forth, up and down.
“Don’t hold back,” he begged.
We shared each other. If there was ever in my life anything holy, sacred, whatever, it was that connection between us. I wanted to hold on to it.
I couldn’t because as holy as it was, it was also damn amazing. My hips betrayed the need inside me, they rocked faster and faster, Josh’s hands helping with the new tempo, until I let myself go. My eyes rolled upwards, my head tilted backwards. There were so many wonderful things to feel, all at the same time. But I focused on the tips of my hair tingling my lower back, the bottom of my spine. I felt him shuddering underneath me, his hands tightening around my waist. His grip on me was almost painful but I enjoyed it.
When I crawled back to reality, I was resting on top of Josh, his arms tight around me, my breasts pressed against his chest, my face nestled in the hollow of his neck where his pulse was beating. A sheen of sweat covered our skins. Outside I heard birds singing. Dawn was closing in. I didn’t want that night to end. My eyelids grew heavier and I fell asleep in the musky, lemony scent of Josh.
I slept deeply.
Sunlight woke me. I squinted. The bed linen against my bared skin felt unfamiliar. So did the empty space next to me.
thirty
Josh.
Why on earth had I taken Cassie to the gala dinner at Rhodes House?
Guilt.
For leaving her this morning without a goodbye. For fucking her senseless last night.
I stole a glance at her profile, the soft line of her neck, the golden hue of her skin. I shut my eyes. Who was I kidding? I hadn’t fucked her. I’d made love to her with everything I had, everything I was.
This never should have happened. I’d broken up with Lenor, stamped all over her heart just three days earlier. And there I was fooling around with the very girl who caused our lives to spiral out of control.
“Can I have some water?” Cassie cut into my thoughts.
I nodded and poured some mineral water into her glass. She wore the same dress that she had at last week’s debate dinner. Except tonight’s dress code was black tie. Her skirt was knee-length, making her massively underdressed. I should have thought about that and helped her buy something, or simply skipped the invitation.
“And when I think I hadn’t even heard about the Rhodes scholarship until last week…”
She leaned toward me and took a sip of her water. She’d been trying to make conversation for the whole evening. Small talk wasn’t Cassie’s style. She was clearly making an effort to break the ice.
“Why did you choose to come here? I’m sure you could have joined other graduate programs back in the U.S. I never heard you talking about England before.”
“I guess I’d watched Harry Potter too many times.”
She burst into laughter, causing the people at our table to frown at us. “I’d forgotten how much you like the wizard.”
“That was one of the very few things we didn’t agree on. You kept saying you didn’t believe in magic.”
I saw she was pleased I remembered the past, what she liked, what she disliked. The light in her eyes pulled me closer to her. My hand reached for hers and I let our fingers entwine. Her gaze ping-ponged between our joined hands and my face, her expression unsure.
Cursing myself for falling again, I took my hand back and cleared my throat. Her smile vanished. My attention was piqued by the sight of Eleanor storming out of the reception room with Freddie glued to her heels. Of course, the latest developments, like me breaking our engagement, had impacted tonight’s seating plan. The Carrington clan—minus Louise and including that asshole Freddie—was holding court on one side of the room. I’d been exiled to the other.
I bit the inside of my cheek. Hell, I wasn’t going to let that douchebag Freddie cuddle Lenor into oblivion and lure her to his bed with the pretense of healing her wounds. I jumped to my feet, startling Cassie.
“I have to take care of something,” I informed her.
She nodded slowly, looked toward the exit through which Eleanor had disappeared, then down to the hand I’d just been holding.
“I’ll be back soon.”
Without looking at her again, I marched toward the exit. The corridor was empty. I chose to go left and hurried, hoping I would find them before Freddie had time to get his paws all over her. Eleanor deserved better than me. But she deserved much more than that two-faced tool.
I rushed past a door and heard muffled voices, someone crying. I stopped and tracked back to stand just behind the cracked door. As expected, I recognized Freddie without having to hear what he was saying.
I pushed the door wide open and, as expected, interrupted Freddie holding Lenor tight in his arms, her face buried on his shoulder.
“I warned you against making a move on her.”
They both jumped. Lenor’s cheeks were blotchy. She swept the tears away with the tip of her fingers and sniffed. I was the moron who’d caused that sweet girl to break down.
“Have you forgotten about our deal?”
Freddie blushed and seemed flustered. I enjoyed the effect I had on him.
“Well, Eleanor knows now so the deal is off,” he said.
“Then I should have made myself clearer. You don’t get close to her. You don’t take advantage of her and lie to her to get the pin code to her trust fund.”
Eleanor frowned. “Freddie, what deal is he talking about?”
I didn’t give him time to come up with some bullshit. “I threatened that I would blow his secret out into the open if he told you about my marriage with Cassie.”
“Which secret?”
“Freddie likes girls and… boys.”
I’d just sounded like a major-league, narrow-minded hypocrite. I didn’t care which team Freddie—or anyone else—played. He could love or lust after whomever he damn well wanted. Still, I also had made a deal for him to help me hide something from my fiancée, the very girl I was trying to keep safe from his clutches.
“So everyone knew you were married except me.” Eleanor shook her head in disbelief, and then her gaze swung to me. “How long would you have carried on with this lie?”
“I was about to tell you, but there was no way in hell I would let that ass take advantage of you. I was the one who had to tell you.”
“That’s so kind of you to worry about my well-being. Such a pity you didn’t do that for the four years we dated.” I cou
ld feel the anger boiling up under Lenor’s cool exterior.
“I’ve done you wrong, Lenor, I know that. But please keep clear of Freddie.”
The guy took a step towards me. “I think you’ve said enough, I won’t—”
“—Would you please leave us, Frederick? I want to be alone with Josh.” Eleanor had ice in her voice. Right then, she reminded me of her father. Without giving Freddie another look, she added, “Now.”
Freddie’s skinny shoulders drooped. The guy was a snake, not a fighter. He walked past me without daring to stare at me. Better that way.
He left us in silence. I played with my bow tie and loosened it. The tuxedo stifled my movements.
“Why did you do that to me?” Eleanor asked. She wasn’t pulling off her Ice Queen act anymore.
“I don’t know.” I shook my head, while my eyes sought an explanation around the tiny room. “I shut off that part of my life… her. I wanted to start from scratch with you.”
“Then why didn’t you ask for a divorce? You didn’t need to tell me right away. But at least, you could have severed your bond with her.”
I stared back at her. Lenor deserved the truth. This was a truth even I was figuring out only then. “Cassie kept asking for one. I ignored her. That was my stupid way to punish her, to take her freedom away.” My voice trailed off. Of course, I knew now that Cassie had never even tried to move on, but she wanted me to.
But I never really had.
Eleanor did something unexpected. She closed the gap between us and cradled my face.
“She hurt you that much?”
I nodded because I didn’t trust myself to talk. The pain was still raw. I heard voices in the corridor, but could care less if a stranger overheard my confession.
“She was everything to me. She was my life.” Lenor’s face broke out in pain. I continued because I owed her honesty. “It was more than just first love. We’d been best friends since we were six. I wasn’t close to my parents and she only had her grandmother. It was us against the world.”
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