The Chief looks at me and rubs his chin. I go on. “Chief, we have a feeling that if she’s going to come into your lobby at all, it’ll be within the next week or so. What do you say? Can we count on you and your fine staff to help us out, so that we can recover some money for the injured children?”
He takes my business card and thinks about it. “Well, I guess that finding out who tried to break our security rules would be a reasonable extension of our duties here. Let me talk to the staff. I think I can work it out… and it’ll help the children, right?”
It worked like a charm. Not only did he agree to go along with the plan, but as my business card indicates, I am now officially ‘Archibald Goodwin, private investigator,’ under the supervision of one ‘N. Wolfe.’
I go through the same procedure at the rest of the banks picked out as likely targets and wait for a phone call from one of the building security chiefs. Just in case some good info comes in, I have the office prepare an envelope containing a thousand dollars in C-notes.
They’re going to strike again and we want to be ready. After their next job we may know who some of the players are, so that we can stake them out and follow them to another job. This is really a job for the authorities but they would never believe me if I brought this story in, so I’ll just have to do their job for them.
This is exciting for several reasons. First, I may get some information as to how the Drago and Blitzstien cases are connected. Second, as Archie Goodwin, I may actually solve a crime and break up a bank robbery gang – and third, there’s a ten percent reward out for information leading to the arrest and conviction of this gang, so if my plan works I’m in line for a nice payday. They’ve already stolen several hundred thousand dollars, so by the time I catch them my bounty should be enough for a new yellow Hummer… that is, minus the kid’s cut.
After a couple of days go by I start to get antsy. Harold’s trial date is coming up sooner than I’d like and there have been no calls from the lobby brigade. My waiting ends. The early afternoon local news show reports that another bank has been robbed. It was on our list of possible targets.
Sure enough, the answering service we hired specifically to receive calls for Archie Goodwin lets us know that a message came in. It’s from the security chief of the building where the most recent bank robbery took place, and he’s got the whole package for us – license plate, description and her destination.
I grab the envelope of cash and drive over to the building. By the time I get there, it’s crawling with cops and feds. My old friend Special Agent Snell is there. Not wanting to blow my ‘Archie Goodwin’ cover, I wait until he’s busy in the bank before I approach the security chief.
“Chief, I understand you have something for me.”
He smiles. “Sure do Mister Goodwin, do you have something for me?”
I take the envelope out of my pocket and hand it to him. He tells me to wait a minute while he goes to his office for my package. I’m sure that being in the security business he wants to count the money first. When he returns to the lobby, he hands me an envelope. I have one more request. “Chief, do you mind if I ask the member of your staff a question about the lady?”
Not surprisingly, I’m told that he didn’t want to trust the assignment to anyone, so he did it himself. “Wow chief, that’s some job you did. Let me ask you, did she go right to her car and then drive home?” His answer confirms my suspicions.
“Not really Goodwin. She walked the dog back out to the car and then drove around the block a couple of times. After each time around the block, another guy got in her van, from a different part of the block.”
I praise him again for the fine job he did, thank him and leave. What a great security chief he is. He follows the lady, sees her pick up all the members of the gang who just robbed his building’s bank, and he doesn’t have a clue. All he knows is that he’s got a grand in his desk, and he’s happy. I don’t want to push him too far about whether or not any of her passengers were carrying any bags, because there’s a possibility that his ignorance actually has a bottom limit and I don’t want to stir him into any action that’s beyond his capabilities. The heavy lifting on this case should be left to my new organization – Goodwin & Wolfe. Wait ‘till I get back to the boat and tell Wolfe about the results – I’m sure he’ll drool with anticipation.
That thousand dollars was well spent because it confirmed my suspicions about the dog act being a diversion. Information on the dog lady’s vehicle shows that it’s registered to a man who lives at the address where she ended her trip that afternoon. This means that I’ve actually located the gang’s hideout. I’m starting to feel a little like Elliot Ness. I know who the players are and where they start out and end their jobs, but I have absolutely no experience in what to do next.
The easiest thing for me to do would be to call the Feds and let Snell and his boys bust down their door. They’d probably find the stolen money, but that would leave me out of the action completely and that’s unsatisfactory. I’ve broken this case with real detecting and brainwork and nobody’s going to steal my perps from me.
What I want to do now is figure out some way that I can bring this gang’s career to an end. I want to be able to catch them in the act of robbing a bank. I want to be able to put on my cape and be Captain Crimefighter. I want to have my head examined. Am I crazy? This is insane, trying to bust up a robbery gang. I could get killed. These people have guns. There’s got to be a safer way for me to play the hero.
Actually, I think this whole stupid gangbuster urge is probably just to impress Myra. I have no doubt that she’ll be the next district attorney of this county and I don’t want to just be ‘the guy who used to be married to the D.A.’ If I can pull this off, maybe I can get back some of the respect she used to have for me. Who knows?
After about an hour of serious conference time with my canine partner ‘N. Wolfe,’ he decides to slurp some water from his bowl and take a nap. It’s so hard to find good associates. However, we did manage to come up with a plan.
With the help of some other members of our staff, we can stake out the gang’s house and follow them to their next job. If things go according to schedule, the dog lady will probably do her exit strategy in reverse. If I was planning it, I’d go around the bank building’s block a couple of times, dropping off the ‘inside’ guys at different places. Then I’d pull into the parking lot and casually walk the dog towards the lobby, keeping my eyes on the bank’s doors that exit to the lobby.
If that’s the way it’s done, then once she starts to circle the bank building, we’ll have from five to ten minutes to get in place – whatever that means. The other problem is that I haven’t figured out how they get the money out. A light bulb just went off over my head. In excitement, I scream out a yell of success that wakes my associate. When he decides to approach me, I tell him how it’s going to go down.
First, with the help of the four Asian boys, Jack Bibberman, Vinnie, and Stuart, we stake out their house. This doesn’t have to be an around-theclock operation because all the jobs they’ve pulled so far were in the afternoon. They usually wait at least a week in between jobs, so all we have to do is post someone down the street from the house starting at noon every bank day, starting in about four days.
As soon as they’re on the move together with the men and the dog all in the van, we’ll have our stakeout person call us and then start to follow them. We’ll do it like the real cops, with at least two vehicles on their tail: one a private car and the other a taxicab. Someone being followed might notice a car on their rear for a while, but taxicabs are almost invisible – they disappear into the street scene.
We’ll keep in constant cell-phone communication with the tailing vehicles so that we can be waiting at the location of their intended job. When the van starts to circle the block, we’ll get inside and post surveillance at the bank exit leading to the lobby. One of our team will wear a bright print Hawaiian shirt, a pair of Bermuda shorts wi
th street shoes with black socks and have a camera hanging around his neck. This will be one of the Asian boys and he’ll look like a typical Asian tourist. His job will be to pretend like he’s shooting some video of his wife, one of the waitresses recruited from the Chinese restaurant. This will give us a good record of the gang exiting the bank, and hopefully we’ll see what happens to the money.
My job will be to talk to the Chief of the building’s security. No doubt he’s one of the guys I’ve already talked to, so he’ll know who I am. This time I’ll tell him the truth, which is that I’m working in conjunction with Senior Special Agent Robert Snell of the FBI’s bank robbery task force. That’s not too far off. I intend to turn everyone over to him. I’ll tell him the real truth about what’s going down at his bank. If he doubts me, I’ll show him copies of the dog incident reports from the other lobby guards. I’m sure that in less than sixty seconds I’ll have him convinced to join the program.
Our vehicle team will verify that they’ve still got the same license plates on the van because that will be crucial when we call the feds.
Just to play safe, I have Vinnie call two of the huge guys who used to work security for him when he was shooting porno movies. It’s always nice to have a little muscle around. I’m especially happy to find out that they are actually reserve deputy sheriffs, which means they can legally carry guns. I’m not planning on turning the lobby into the OK Corral, but it’s always nice to play it safe. To cut down on expenses, the porno security guys are placed on call and told to be ready to meet us wherever we say, with only five minute’s notice.
We’re all set. The next few days go by with about seven false alarms. Every time the dog lady leaves the house to go shopping or have her hair done, we get a call that she’s on the move. Everyone is jumpy because we know it’s just a matter of time before the real thing starts to happen. And then it does. On the fifth day of waiting, we get a call that the whole gang is in the van and they’re on the move.
Everyone springs into action. The porno security guards are called. They get into their vehicle and get ready to meet us. Our Asian tourist and his wife are part of the vehicle team trailing the van that day, so they’ll have time to get inside the lobby while the van is still circling the building.
The reports are that they’re now approaching a bank building on Wilshire Boulevard and starting to circle the block. This is great. It’s less than a mile from Snell’s office in the Federal Building.
We tell our reserve sheriffs where to meet us. Their main assignment is to guard the Asian tourist and his wife, just in case anything goes wrong.
I speed over to the bank building and run into the lobby, straight to the security chief’s office. Just as planned, he’s on the same page as us in less than a minute. At this point, we haven’t notified anyone in the bank. No need to cause a panic.
A quick look in the lobby shows that everyone is in place. The Asian tourist is videotaping his wife. Our huge sheriffs are standing by – one by the husband with the camera and the other by the wife. I take a position by the doors leading to the parking lot, so I can give the security chief a headsup as to when the lady and the dog are approaching. I look over through the glass doors leading to the bank and everything looks normal. The robbery is probably already in progress.
Looking through the lobby’s glass doors I see the lady with the dog. She’s paused on the steps outside the lobby with a cell phone to her ear, obviously waiting for her signal to start the show. I signal our crew in the lobby that it’s about to go down.
Just as planned, the lady and the dog enter the lobby. At this point, I don’t want to be in that group of people who have their attention diverted by her action, so I walk over to the doors leading to the bank. Behind me, I hear the dog barking. Everyone turns around but the Asian tourist and me. Even our girl playing the wife looks over in that direction. Like true soldiers, our two sheriffs don’t take their eyes off of their wards. I see two men walking casually from the bank towards the lobby. They’re both wearing large sunglasses. As they come through the doors, I turn away and look towards the dog act, so as not to be too obvious. Our Asian tourist pretends to be looking toward the dog act, but all the while keeps the camera pointed at the bank’s exit door.
The sheriffs look at m e for some signal, but I let them know to stay cool and let the guys with the guns go by. And then it happens. I’m standing near a large glass window and I see a reflection of what’s happening. Both robbers take off their sunglasses and along with the bank loot, toss them into a large garbage receptacle near the door. They then continue through the lobby, separating into two directions, each toward a different street exit.
I’ve already pre-programmed Snell’s number on my cell-phone’s speed dial, so I call his office with an urgent message and get right through to him. “Agent Snell, this is attorney Peter Sharp. I thought you might like to know that a bank has just been robbed down the street from your office.” He gulps.
“What bank? We haven’t gotten any silent alarms from anywhere.”
Finally I get my chance to play the hero. I give him the bank location, the license plate and description of the van and the address where he can pick them up. I don’t even get a thank you. He probably thinks I’m part of the gang. The Feds are all paranoid – it’s part of their training.
The bank robbery is complete. In accordance with our instructions, everyone stays in position. We’ve got another couple of minutes before the whole gang is in the van. Just then, to my great surprise, here comes a maintenance man, complete with gray striped jumpsuit and some large embroidered patch on his back. He’s carrying a large empty plastic garbage bag and just like every other maintenance man in the world, he walks over to the receptacle where the gang dumped their sunglasses and money, pulls out the trash liner and replaces it with a new one. He then starts towards the other side of the lobby. I signal everyone to stay in place.
The maintenance man goes all the way to the rear exit and walks out of the lobby towards the parking lot. He’s probably the last one that the doglady picks up after she’s gone around the block several times and picked up the other gang members.
Agent Snell and his gang run into the building. He sees me and comes over. I look at him and in true old-style western movie drawl, point and tell him “they went that-a-way.” By the look on his face, I can tell that he’s making his mind up whether to shoot me or thank me. Fortunately for me, he signals his men to go outside after the van.
Also according to plan, the press has been contacted and I’m ready to make my announcement on the steps outside the bank. This wasn’t arranged just to satisfy my ego, it’s sort of an insurance policy so the Feds don’t take all the credit and cut my gang out of the reward.
Many years ago I learned the hard way that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar, and now is a good time to use that knowledge. There will be numerous press conferences and interviews with Special Agent Snell and I don’t want to put him into a position where he’s forced to give me all the credit. I’m not looking for credit – all I want is the reward money, so I think that the best way to go is to make it easy for the authorities to appreciate what I’ve done. I’ve also learned that if you want someone in the public eye to be on your side, all you have to do is praise them – and that’s exactly what I intend to do. Once you’ve publicly said how great someone is, you make it very difficult for him to then try to destroy your credibility. It’s showtime. Here goes… the cameras are on me.
“Ladies and gentlemen, before we get into any details of the robbery and how the gang was caught, I’d like everyone to know the great respect I have for the Bureau’s Special Agent Robert Snell and his task force. When I called them for help, they came out in full force and did their jobs professionally. The bank robbery gang is now in custody and I have every hope that much of their loot from the last few robberies will also be recovered at their hideout.”
The feeding frenzy starts. Most of the questions t
hey shout out ask why I’m here at all making a statement.
“The reason that I’m here today is that the FBI, because of regulatory and budget restrictions, can’t do all the things that a private citizen can do. And they shouldn’t. In this case, my law firm happens to be representing a bank against a slip-andfall victim. The bank was robbed later that day. I’m also representing a person who is charged with murdering that slip-and-fall victim. Because of the possible links between these two cases and the robberies, and with the cooperation of Agent Snell and the local authorities, I organized a group of my associates and we set a trap for the robbers. Our plan could only go so far because we have no training or authority to arrest people, so Agent Snell had to come in and pull our bacon out of the fire – and we can’t thank him enough for that.”
If I wanted to, I could probably stand there for another couple of hours and the questions would still come in fast and furious. Agent Snell’s trained eye notices the cameras and if there’s anyone that the FBI won’t let escape, it’s a curious news reporter. I see him walking toward us and decide to give him a fanfare. “And here he comes now ladies and gentlemen, the hero of today’s events, FBI Senior Special Agent Robert Snell.” I step back and let him walk into the spotlight of attention. While he’s making his own self-serving statement, I take the opportunity to gather my crew so we can get the hell out of here.
18
Back at the boat the champagne is flowing. To be thful, it’s not really champagne, but we’re treating our wine coolers like they’re the expensive bubbly stuff. The kid made arrangements for the ‘wrap’ party, but she had difficulty convincing the guy at the liquor store that she was twenty-one, probably because she couldn’t see over the counter. So, we’re drinking coolers, from Laverne’s boxed wine collection. I’m sure she’ll be looking for her pound of flesh as repayment later tonight… and I always pay my debts.
by Reason of Sanity Page 14