by Susan Fox
He took his right hand off the steering wheel and put it on top of hers. “This is probably another wrong thing to say, but that sounds defeatist. Yeah, you have a disease. You’re taking the meds that can modify its effect on you, and that gives you some control over the physical side. As for what it ‘turns you into’ in terms of your feelings and personality, that’s up to you. Not up to it. You don’t have to give it that kind of control.” He swallowed. “Like I’m anyone to speak. I’m not doing so great at dealing with my own feelings.”
“It’s hard, isn’t it? But you do make an interesting point.”
Grateful that she’d tried to understand what he had so clumsily said, he made the turn into his parents’ driveway. “Ready for this?”
“No, but I want to get it over with.”
As he parked, he said, “They’re all here.” Jess and Evan’s Riders Boot Camp SUV, Miriam and Wade’s Bly Ranch truck, and Brooke and Jake’s Toyota.
Cassidy was quiet as they started up the front walk. When he reached for her hand, she twined her fingers in his and held on tight.
Pops answered the door and ushered them into the spacious living room, where Dave’s mother was getting drinks. There were quick greetings, curious glances, and a sense of expectancy in the air. All he’d told his parents was that he and Cassidy wanted to get together with the group.
A quick scan of the room showed that no babies were present. “Are Alex and Nicki in the nursery?” he asked his mom.
“Sound asleep.” She held up crossed fingers. “Hopefully, they won’t disturb us. Now, what would you two like to drink? Wine, beer, coffee, tea?”
Dave accepted a glass of red wine, but Cassidy chose herbal tea.
On any normal social occasion, everyone would have mingled, drinks in hand, chatting, but tonight people quickly took seats, each couple together. Dave and Cassidy sat side by side on a loveseat. She put her mug of tea on the coffee table, untasted. When he reached for her hand, she again clasped his. Hers was cold, a tremor running through it.
Everyone gazed expectantly at the two of them. Cassidy cleared her throat, then glanced at Dave. When she didn’t speak, he got the ball rolling. “You’re wondering why we wanted to get together with all of you.”
“Some kind of announcement, we figure,” his mother said, a twinkle in her eye.
“I wonder what it could be?” Humor teased at Miriam’s eyes and the corners of her mouth.
Oh shit. It suddenly hit him that they might think this was an engagement announcement. Cassidy must have realized the same thing, because she jerked and said, “No! God, no, we’re not . . . I mean, our relationship is just . . . you know, casual.”
Dave felt an odd twinge of something he couldn’t define. Of course she was right—neither of them wanted anything serious—but did she have to be so adamant? The two of them had a special bond that was more than casual.
“Oh,” his mother said flatly, the sparkle in her eyes dying.
“So what’s going on?” Jessie asked.
Cassidy opened her mouth, but didn’t speak. He could imagine her wanting to hold on to her secret. As soon as she told his family, her world would, yet again, change irrevocably.
He could do this for her. But she’d made it clear she didn’t want him to, so he kept quiet.
Her grip tightened on his hand and she said, in a rush, “I’ve been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.”
She gazed around the room and so did Dave, reading the reactions. Shock, mostly. Sadness and, yes, pity. He knew she hated being pitied, as Anita had, but how could you not pity someone who’d been hit with that kind of diagnosis? He also saw a lot of uncertainty. He’d told Cassidy that no one in his family had ever had MS, so they likely didn’t have a clear understanding of the disease.
“I didn’t know much about MS,” Cassidy said, “but believe me, I’ve learned a lot.” Her voice relaxed slightly as she went on to give a basic explanation of the disease.
Dave squeezed her hand as the others exchanged glances.
His mom said, “Your leg?”
“Yes. When I was in Vancouver, it was completely numb for two or three days. That’s what’s called an attack. A year before that, I had double vision for a while, and that was another attack. The things that have happened here in Caribou Crossing, the occasional tingling and numbness, the fatigue, those aren’t actual attacks, they’re what are called pseudoexacerbations. That’s when symptoms act up for reasons other than actual disease activity. Heat, stress, and tiredness can cause pseudoexacerbations.”
“That sounds hard to diagnose,” Pops said. “Your doctor’s absolutely sure?”
Dave remembered how Cassidy had at first tried to deny the truth. Now she said, “Yes, she is. My great-grandmother had it, so Dr. Young knew it was a possibility. She sent me to a neurologist, I had an MRI, and yes, there are MS lesions.”
His mother rose, came over, and kneeled on the carpet in front of Cassidy. She took her free hand. “I’m so sorry, Cassidy. I think we’re all a little in shock.”
Bless his mom for saying the right thing.
Cassidy gave a forced smile. “Yeah. Tell me about it.” She squeezed Sheila’s hand, then released it. “Okay, what else do people want to know?”
Another exchange of glances, then Brooke said, “All right, there’s an elephant in the living room, so I’ll tackle it. What’s the treatment and the prognosis?”
Cassidy filled them in, telling them about her relapsing-remitting MS, answering questions as they arose, taking an occasional sip of tea. Then she said, “I’d really like to be the old me, but I can’t. I don’t know how MS will affect me and I just . . . I don’t want people to pity me or act weird around me.”
“It’s a part of who you are now,” Brooke said. “You can’t change it, so you need to own it. Like me and my diseases.”
“Diseases? I know you’re a recovering alcoholic,” Cassidy said cautiously.
“You didn’t know that I have bipolar disorder?”
Cassidy gaped at her. “I didn’t. No one mentioned it.”
“It’s no secret,” Brooke said, “but I guess it’s old news, not something people gossip about anymore. Anyhow, it’s a significant part of my life because I need to take medication and have my lithium level monitored. But on a day-to-day basis, it’s just this thing in the background as I live my normal life. I hope that’s how MS will come to be for you.”
“I could maybe live with that,” Cassidy said slowly. “But one of the toughest things about MS is that you wake up each morning not having a clue what’s going to happen. You could be fine. You could even go into remission for decades. Or you could”—she gulped—“I could wake up planning a day of work, riding, line dancing, then try to get out of bed and find that my leg’s gone numb. Or that I can’t see properly. Or that my words come out garbled.”
Dave swallowed hard, thinking how strong she had to be to live with that reality.
So softly that she was almost speaking to herself, Cassidy went on. “One of my mottos used to be ‘A new day, a fresh start.’ I always envisioned that fresh start being something fun and exciting. Now each new day is fresh all right, because I don’t know whether, or h-how, my b-body’s going to fail me.” Her voice faltered as she finished.
“That sounds really tough,” Brooke said sympathetically. “One thing I’ve found with a serious chronic illness, it teaches you patience and flexibility.”
From the way Cassidy’s grip tightened on Dave’s fingers, he guessed she was holding back one of her sarcastic retorts. Still, Brooke’s words encouraged him. Cassidy might not be ready to see a silver lining to her MS, but maybe one day she would. Maybe he would too.
Cassidy took a deep breath, let it out, and her fingers loosened. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier. I was having trouble dealing with it. But it was unfair to ask Dave to deceive you guys, and Robin. So now we want you to know and—”
“You know that we’ll do anything we c
an to help.” Pops, a normally quiet man, broke in.
“Of course we will,” everyone else echoed.
Dave studied their faces and saw genuineness. Concern, sorrow, pity, but not disgust. No one was shunning her. He hoped Cassidy could see that too.
Maybe so, because her “Thank you” sounded just as genuine. “That’s really nice of you, considering you’ve only known me a few months. I don’t know that there’s all that much you can do, but knowing you’re behind me means a l-lot.” Her voice choked up again and she took another sip of the now cold tea.
Then she said, “We’d like to tell Robin. Do you think that’s okay? We don’t want to stress her out too much. I know that losing Anita was really rough on her. Not that this is anything like that, but we’ve become friends and . . .” She trailed off.
“Rob’s a strong girl,” Jessie said. “She’s bighearted, as you know, and strong-minded.”
“I’ve seen all of that,” Cassidy said with a smile.
“She’s also smart about figuring things out,” Evan put in.
“And she’ll be hurt if she realizes she’s been shut out,” Miriam said.
Dave nodded. Of course he wanted to protect his daughter, but it was inevitable that she’d find out.
Cassidy looked pale and strained. Sensing that she’d reached the end of her fragile rope, Dave stood and drew her to her feet. “It’s time for us to go. We’ll talk to Robin and—”
“Tomorrow night,” Cassidy said. “If you can keep the secret until then, that would be great. I want to tell her myself.” Her shoulders slumped, but she straightened them. “Next week, I’ll tell everyone at the Wild Rose, and my other friends in town.”
Word would be out. The thing she feared would happen, and everyone would see her differently. As a damaged person. And—shit, this had only just occurred to him—they’d look at him that way too. Ever since Anita got sick, then died, he’d seen the pitying looks. He was the guy whose fiancée had died so tragically. Now here he was, by the side of another woman with a serious illness.
In the beginning, Cassidy had offered him something new and special: fun, lightheartedness, an escape from responsibility and from being that damaged guy. And now, through no fault of her own, she’d taken it all away.
His mom squeezed his arm. “Are you all right, dear?”
Startled, he gazed around to see that the others were getting organized to leave. Across the room, his father held Cassidy’s jacket so she could slip her arms into it. “Yeah. This is hard, though.”
Her knowing eyes studied his face. “I bet it is. I’m proud of you for being there for your friend.”
The way she and Pops had raised him, he didn’t have any other choice.
He gave her a hug, then joined Cassidy and they walked out to the Jeep.
She slumped back in the seat and closed her eyes.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “I mean, as okay as you can be right now?”
“Tired.” She sighed. “Very tired. But not nauseous, thank God. I think maybe, just maybe, the side effects of the drug are fading.”
Awkwardly, he said, “I don’t know how to say this without pissing you off, but you handled that really well tonight.”
“Thanks. Maybe it’ll get easier.”
“I hope so.” As he drove down toward the lights of town, they were both silent.
On the radio, Blake Shelton was singing “Mine Would Be You.” About that one special person. About how he’d rather die than lose her. Dave had felt that way about Anita, and he’d lost her all the same. But while she’d been alive, while they’d been together, she’d meant everything to him. Now maybe he was coming around to realizing, despite the lingering pain, that in a way he’d been blessed to have those feelings. Cassidy, with her will-o’-the-wisp lifestyle and refusal to let herself care too deeply, would miss out on something mighty fine.
As he drove through the outskirts of town, he said, “Where to? Want to come home with me?” He’d had Robin with him for the past couple of nights, so Cassidy had stayed at her place.
“Yes. No.” She huffed out a sigh. “I’m tired and I don’t feel one bit sexy. And isn’t that the story of my life these days? I’m sorry, Dave, I’m not much fun in bed.”
“We have our moments.” Sometimes they just curled up and slept together, occasionally she turned into a voracious temptress, and every now and then she seemed like the same old Cassidy. The latter were the times he liked the best. Though he had to admit, the temptress had taught him a trick or two.
Tonight, sex or no sex, he wanted to be with her. Though they’d squabbled on the drive to his parents’, he admired the guts she’d demonstrated in talking to his family and her patience in answering questions and fielding comments that, though well intentioned, could easily have triggered her temper. He didn’t want her to be alone tonight. What’s more, he didn’t want to be alone either. “Come home with me. No sex required. I’d just like to hold you.”
“I guess I wouldn’t mind being held,” she said softly. Then she put her hand on his thigh and left it there until he parked at the Wild Rose.
Saturday evening, Dave held up the pizza server. “Who wants the last slice?” He glanced questioningly at his daughter, seated in her usual place across from him at the kitchen table, then at Cassidy, who sat between them.
“Too full, Dad,” his daughter said.
“Me too,” Cassidy said.
He knew she was lying. She’d eaten one slice but only picked at the second one he gave her. She was worrying about telling Robin her news.
Robin would be sad, concerned for Cassidy. No, none of this was fair. He rose to clear the table, Robin loaded the dishwasher, and Cassidy made a quick trip to the bathroom.
When she came back, Robin said, “Now we get to watch the movie?”
Cassidy had dropped by the library that afternoon and picked up The Sound of Music.
“Not quite yet,” she said, the high pitch of her voice betraying her nerves. “There’s something I want to tell you. Sit down, Robin. You too, Dave.”
When they were all back around the table, Cassidy took Robin’s hand. “I don’t want you to get upset about this. It’s not a big deal.”
“O-kay,” his daughter said dubiously, casting a quick glance at him.
“It’s okay, Rob,” he assured her.
Cassidy went on. “You know how there’s a girl in your class, Candy, who has diabetes?” Dave had told her this, suggesting it as a starting point for the discussion. At Robin’s nod, she continued. “I have a disease too. It’s nothing like what Anita had. It’s more like diabetes. It’s a nuisance, and I have to take meds, and that’s the reason I’ve had some problems, like with my leg, and being tired. Some of it’s the disease and some of it’s side effects from the treatment.”
“But you’re going to be okay?” his daughter asked anxiously.
“More or less.” Cassidy glanced at Dave, then said bluntly, “It’s not going to kill me.” They had figured Robin would worry that Cassidy would end up like Anita. “I may have some more problems over time, or I may not. That’s one of the weird things about this disease.”
“You’re taking medicine,” Robin said slowly. “That’s going to help, right?”
Dave said, “That’s the plan, sweetheart. Like Cassidy said, this is really different from Anita’s cancer. That was very serious and there was only a tiny chance that she could beat it. With Cassidy’s disease, there’s no actual cure right now, but even if they don’t find one, she’ll likely live as long as you or me. She’s got a great health care team, including Dr. Young, and the treatment should slow the disease down so she has fewer problems.”
Robin had listened solemnly. “Does the treatment make you sick, Cassidy?”
“Not anything like chemotherapy did with Anita,” she assured her. “You know when I said I felt like I had the flu? That was from the treatment. But the side effects are easing off. I’m adjusting to the meds, and maybe soon
there’ll be no side effects at all.”
“That’s good.” His daughter’s face had lightened.
“It’s not the least bit contagious,” Cassidy said. “I can’t possibly pass it to anyone else.”
“What’s it called, this disease you have?”
“Multiple sclerosis. People usually refer to it as MS.”
“How long have you had it?”
“Not for very long. I’m still learning about it. Anyhow, like I said, this isn’t a big deal. But I wanted you to know. If I say I’m too tired to go riding, that’s because of the MS. It’s not that I don’t want to.”
“Okay,” she said thoughtfully. “I’m sorry you got it.”
“Me too.”
His sharp-minded daughter asked a few more questions, which Cassidy answered honestly and calmly. She was so good with Robin, so patient and considerate. With wry humor, he thought that she saved her ire for him.
His daughter turned to him. “Does Mom know?”
He nodded. “We told Mom and Evan and all your grandparents last night.”
“I’m going to tell more people on Monday,” Cassidy said.
“So it’s okay if I tell Kimiko and my other friends?”
Cassidy swallowed. “Sure. But let them know it’s not a big deal.”
Robin nodded. “Like with Candy and her diabetes.” She rose and went to throw her arms around Cassidy in a tight hug. “I’m really, really sorry this happened to you.”
Cassidy hugged her back. “Me too, sweetie.”
“And I’m really, really glad you and Dad are dating.”
A pang of worry hit Dave. The adults in his family understood the concept of casual dating. Did Robin? She’d seen him married to her mom, then seen him with his fiancée.
The same concern must have occurred to Cassidy because she eased out of the hug, took Robin’s face gently between her hands, and gazed into her eyes. “I’m glad we’re dating too. Your dad is a wonderful friend.” She pressed her lips together, sent a questioning glance at Dave.