by Susan Fox
She chuckled. “JJ’d be in trouble. He liked to dress up as the Lone Ranger.”
“You’re looking forward to seeing him.”
“I am. I’m so glad I phoned him and cleared the air.”
Robin and Kimiko ran over. Cassidy straightened the circlet of artificial flowers that held Robin’s chestnut brown hair in place. Normally, the girl pony-tailed it, but her grandmother had insisted that today she wear it loose, straight, and parted in the middle. She also had a pink and blue peace sign painted on one cheek.
“Have you been in the haunted house?” Robin asked. “You have to go!”
After the girls ran off to join friends, Dave said, “Feeling brave?”
They entered the haunted house and screeched merrily as ghosts, giant spiders, and other horrors popped out at them. When they reemerged into the crisp air, they followed the delicious scent of chicken stew and biscuits to a booth operated by The Gold Pan, one of the town’s restaurants. For dessert, they indulged in slices of pumpkin bread and pumpkin-shaped cookies with orange icing baked by members of the Parent Advisory Council at Robin’s school. Once they finished eating, they pulled on their gloves and Cassidy tucked her hand through Dave’s arm.
“How are you feeling?” he asked. “Need to sit down?”
“No, my leg’s great today. Let’s keep strolling.”
Since they had arrived, they’d exchanged greetings with dozens of people. By now, Cassidy knew many of the residents. Now they stopped to talk to Karen Estevez, in her RCMP uniform. “No Jamal tonight?” Cassidy asked.
“Sadly, no. He’s on duty in Williams Lake. We’re building good karma. When we have kids, we’ll deserve to get Halloween off.”
A woman in a firefighter uniform came over and said hello. Dave and Karen greeted her, and then Karen said, “Cassidy, have you met Lark Cantrell, our fire chief?”
Cassidy was about to say no, then realized the woman’s strong, attractive features, appraising brown eyes, and hint of Native Canadian blood rang a bell. “You were Karen’s maid of honor, weren’t you?” The only person in the wedding party who hadn’t brought a plus one.
“Yes, I was. You were helping out there. I remember.”
“I’m surprised I haven’t run into you around town,” Cassidy said. “It’s such a small place.”
“My job and my son keep me busy.”
“I think it’s very cool that the fire chief is a woman.”
Lark smiled. “I think it’s pretty cool too. This is a good town. So, you folks looking forward to the fireworks?”
“The ones here,” Karen joked, “or when Jamal and I finally both make it home tonight?”
Lark smiled, but it seemed forced to Cassidy. “Whatever rocks your boat, my friend. Well, I’d better go. We’re going to light the bonfire. Come on over.”
Cassidy and Dave followed her. Soon the blazing but carefully controlled fire was the center of attention, its orange flames providing not only beauty but heat. Cassidy cuddled into the curve of Dave’s arm. “There’s something magical about a bonfire.”
“Wait until you see the fireworks.”
“To echo Karen, which ones?”
He hugged her closer to him. “When we make love later, we should get back into our roles. I can’t speak and you can only purr.”
“Mmm, I bet you can make me purr very nicely indeed.”
When it was time for the fireworks, Cassidy noted that Kimiko stood between her mom and dad, and Robin had joined Jess and Evan, who’d left little Alex with his gramma Brooke. Evan dropped a casual hand on Robin’s shoulder. How odd it must be for him knowing he was the girl’s biological father yet pretending to the world he was her stepdad.
It seemed all families were complicated. It was how they dealt with the complications that mattered. As she’d gotten to know the magic-dusted Caribou Crossing couples, Cassidy had found they all had their tales of tribulation. A happy marriage, she’d come to realize, took a lot of hard work. Miriam Bly had told her that it was surviving the tough times that made you appreciate your spouse. Too bad Cassidy’s parents had never figured that out. Whenever they faced a tough time, they split up.
The first rocket soared into the sky, then exploded noisily in a starburst of white and red against the black canopy. The crowd cheered and Cassidy joined in.
Dave drew her back, apart from the others, to stand under a tree that had lost almost all of its leaves. He leaned against the trunk and put his arm around her.
She nestled into him, careful not to let her made-up cheek rub against his coat. “Autumn’s a nice season here.”
“All seasons are great.”
“Not that you’re biased or anything.”
They watched a couple more dazzling fireworks, and then he said, “About your brother’s wedding . . . Are you interested in taking a date?”
Startled, she glanced away from the pyrotechnic display. So odd to hear Dave’s familiar voice but see the made-up face of a mime. “You’d go with me? Really?” It would be fun to introduce him to JJ—she knew they’d get along—and to share the whole experience. But then a thought occurred to her. “Wait a minute. Is this your way of making sure I don’t overdo?”
“Huh. Now that you mention it . . .” His tone was light, but then sobered. “No, honestly, that didn’t occur to me. I’d just like to be with you, meet your brother and his fiancée, see where you grew up.”
She settled back against him and again turned her gaze to the sky. “I’d like that too. You’d be okay with leaving the Wild Rose for two or three days?”
“I need to learn to be. My sense of responsibility may be, uh, a little overdeveloped.”
“Gee, you think?”
He shrugged. “Madisun will be here in December and she ought to be able to manage the inn for a few days, with Sam for backup. Besides, there’s phone and e-mail.”
“I’m impressed, Mr. Cousins. And yes, I’d love it if you came with me.”
They watched some red spirally, fizzy fireworks. Then he cleared his throat and said, “As for Christmas, I was hoping you’d want to spend it here. With me.”
“Oh, Dave, that would be wonderful.” Christmas here would be warm, colorful, old-fashioned. “Are you sure? Christmas is for families.” Happy ones. The kind she hadn’t been part of in a very long time.
“I’m sure.” He paused, and when he next spoke his voice sounded stilted. “But you know that there’s something else about Christmas, right? It involves presents.”
Did he think she wouldn’t want to spend her money on gifts for his family? What better way to spend her savings? “I do recall presents. And I’d love to get presents for your family.”
“Uh, that’s great, but that’s not what I meant. You’ll be getting them too.”
“Oh, no one has to buy presents for me.” The most she’d done in past years was exchange cards with family, and participate in a “Secret Santa” thing wherever she worked.
“They’ll want to.” Another pause. “And you wouldn’t be able to fit them all in your backpack. It’d be rude to leave them behind if you left Caribou Crossing, so, uh . . .”
“Even more reason that people shouldn’t give me gifts. Tell you what, if they want to give me something, how about a donation to their favorite charity?”
Overhead, a dramatic display of glittery gold and white lights sparkled and crackled.
“Cassidy, what I’m saying is, I want you to stay.”
The fireworks were loud. Maybe she wasn’t hearing correctly. “Right, for Christmas. Isn’t that what we were talking about?”
“It’s not what we’re talking about now.” He sounded frustrated.
“Okay,” she said, puzzled.
He stepped away from her, turned to face her, and took her gloved hands in his. “I want you to stay here, in Caribou Crossing. Not just until your treatment plan is established, but after. I want you to stay with me.”
Her mouth opened. What was he saying?
&n
bsp; “I love you, Cassidy, and I want you—”
“What?!” she yelped. For a moment, her heart leaped with joy—but no, this wasn’t right. Panicky, she jerked her hands free. “You don’t love me. You can’t. That wasn’t the deal. Dave, you love Anita.”
“I do, and always will. And Jessie as well. And now I love you. This isn’t a deal, Cassidy, it’s a relationship. I want you to stay, to open your heart to the possibility of a future together, to see if maybe you could love me too.”
Didn’t he know her at all? She didn’t do permanent. “You want to change me. That’s not fair. I thought you liked me the way I am.”
“I do. But I love the idea of something more, of the kind of love we could build together.”
Oh God. Could they? The idea was so tempting—but so impossible. It wasn’t right for either of them. “Dave, I’m sick. Flawed.” No man in his right mind would want to build a future with a woman like that.
And then it hit her. He was doing this out of pity. This was the guy who always tried to fix things for his friends. When Jess told him she was pregnant and alone, he’d proposed to her. Now here was Cassidy, dealing with an unexpected and chronic illness. He didn’t trust her to look after herself; he had to do it for her. “Oh my God, Dave. Don’t you get it? I do fine on my own. I don’t need you.”
Realizing how rude that sounded, she softened her tone. “I appreciate your support more than I can say. I hope we’ll always be friends and stay in touch. But—”
“But you don’t love me,” he said bitterly. “You can’t see yourself ever loving me. Shit.”
As the fireworks display crescendoed over their heads, he strode away.
His final words hung in the air and sent a pang of sorrow through her heart. Love? What did she know about love? Even if she was capable of loving, no way could she and Dave build a future. There were too many obstacles. Weren’t there? Her heart urged her to run after him, but she forced herself to stand still and catalogue all those obstacles.
Cassidy didn’t need any man’s pity. Dave might say he loved her, but he meant as a friend. She wasn’t the kind of person whom people loved, not in the way he had loved Anita.
Building a relationship based on affection and Dave’s do-gooder nature worked for a while with him and Jess, but look how it ended up. Even Jess couldn’t compete with Anita.
With Cassidy’s MS, her own future was so uncertain. Bad enough that she had to wake each morning never knowing what her body might do. That she had no idea whether in five, ten, or forty years she’d be in a wheelchair or unable to speak articulately. No way should Dave, who’d already gone through so much with Anita, have to take that on.
Besides—she touched her fingers to her shoulder—she was the wild goose, always flying solo. It had worked for her when she was eighteen, and worked ever since. She wasn’t destined to nest in one place.
Even if Dave, and Caribou Crossing, made the thought undeniably appealing.
Sunday morning, Cassidy slept in, having spent much of the night tossing and turning. As she stood in the tepid shower—she’d given up her beloved hot showers because heat could exacerbate her symptoms—she pondered what to do.
Where did things stand with Dave? Had she hurt his feelings, rejecting his generous offer so brusquely? Could they still be friends? Could she keep working for him? Maybe it would be best to move on now. To go to Victoria, find another doctor and counseling group.
Whatever feelings Dave had for her, they’d pass once she was gone. Loads of women would volunteer to fill her place. Healthy women. He’d be fine.
That thought should make her happy, rather than depress her.
For heaven’s sake, she’d be fine too. MS was her reality now, but within its constraints she’d be fine.
She checked the fridge for breakfast food, finding nothing that appealed to her. Most Sundays when she wasn’t working, she had brunch with Ms. H. But Irene was here now. Cassidy was happy for the two women and hoped the reunion was going well, but missed her frequent chats with her landlady, not to mention the delicious meals they put together.
Dressed in yoga pants and a cotton hoodie, she unrolled her yoga mat and started her stretches. Not only was she doing yoga, but she’d added exercises recommended by the physical therapist on her health care team. On days when she was fatigued, it was a slog to exercise, but she was stronger and more flexible, and the routine gave her a sense of calm and control.
This morning, she’d almost found serenity when a firm knock sounded on the hallway door. Ms. H called, “Cassidy? Are you home?”
“Come on in.”
She gazed up from the mat at her landlady, clad this morning in tailored navy pants and a lightweight turquoise sweater. If she left, she would miss this woman a lot.
This was a good reason not to stay in one place for too long: you could get too attached. Best to go now, before parting became even more difficult. And so much for serenity. Now she felt depressed again.
“Irene and I have a broccoli cheddar quiche in the oven. Would you like to have brunch with us?”
“Love to, thanks,” she said promptly. She could use the distraction, the quiche sounded wonderful, and Cassidy was dying to know how things were going with the two old friends.
“Come along when you’re ready.”
Cassidy changed the hoodie for a pink and blue plaid shirt, and headed for the kitchen, calling out “Good morning!” to announce her arrival. She found the two women moving companionably around, setting the table and pouring juice. Irene, whom Cassidy had met a few days earlier, was shorter and rounder than Ms. H and had a cheerful face framed by curly white hair. The coral sweater she wore over black pants matched the flush on her cheeks.
“It smells wonderful in here,” Cassidy said. “Thanks for inviting me.”
Irene poured a cup of coffee and handed it to her. “Sit down, dear.”
Normally, Cassidy would have helped out but she could see the two older women had things under control and enjoyed sharing the kitchen. Feeling a little displaced, she took a chair. “Thanks, Ms. Peabody.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake, it’s Irene.”
“And it’s time you stopped calling me Ms. H,” her landlady said. “That’s a ridiculous way to address a friend.”
Until now, Cassidy would have had trouble calling her Daphne. Though her landlady had been the kindest, most supportive person imaginable, a slight edge or brusqueness had made her Ms. H. Today there was a softness to the older woman’s features, even her movements, that let Cassidy say, “I’ll give it a try, Daphne.”
She sipped coffee as the two women finished their breakfast preparations. The natural way they interacted indicated that the reunion was going well.
When they had all served themselves, Irene said, “Did you have a good Halloween, Cassidy? We had so many children around trick-or-treating, in such wonderful costumes.”
“We did,” Daphne agreed.
Normally, her landlady spoke efficiently, avoiding repetition. It was cute the way she savored that “we” as she said it.
“It was amazing.” Cassidy told them about the goings-on in town.
“How delightful,” Irene said. “Perhaps we should go to the town square next year, Daphne, at least for the earlier part of the evening.”
Cassidy smiled and sipped orange juice.
Daphne smiled too, and addressed her. “Yes, Cassidy, we do believe there will be a next year. Irene and I have both been fools for an excessively long time. We worried too much, we made mistakes, we lacked courage.” She reached for the other woman’s hand and their aged fingers wove together. “But better late than never.”
“We owe you an immense debt, Cassidy,” Irene said. “Daphne told me it was because of you that she tracked me down.”
“I’m glad I could help.”
“You’re a true romantic,” Irene said.
Cassidy gave a snort of laughter. “If you knew me better, you wouldn’t say that.”
“I admit that Caribou Crossing has more than a normal share of happy long-term relationships,” Cassidy said, “and I truly hope yours is one of them. But I’m not the kind of person who’s into all that happily ever after stuff.”
“You might be if you gave yourself a chance,” Daphne said, “rather than picking up and moving every few months.”
“I like my gypsy lifestyle.” Even if the idea of leaving Caribou Crossing didn’t excite her the way moving on used to. But being a gypsy was the only way she knew how to live, and once she was on the road, her old sense of adventure would reawaken.
“Someone who spends her time wandering is looking for something,” Irene said.
“Sure. New places, experiences, people.”
Thoughtfully, Irene said, “Really? I’d say the opposite. You’re looking for a home.”
“Home is where I hang my hat,” she said flippantly.
The two older women exchanged glances; then Irene said, “I’ll top your platitude with this one: home is where the heart is.”
And, Cassidy knew, a piece of her own heart would forever be tied to Caribou Crossing. To Daphne Haldenby and Robin Cousins; to the other friends she’d made here.
To Dave.
Chapter Thirty
Inside Dave’s suite, Cassidy hung her coat in the closet, pulled off her boots, and slid her sock-clad feet into the sheepskin slippers that sat by the door. Expecting the place to be empty—with Dave at Sally’s, as was his custom on Sunday afternoons—she was surprised when Merlin greeted her.
“Hey there, beautiful boy. Why did Dave leave you at home? Oh, right, Sally’s boarding that new horse that’s paranoid about dogs.”
When Dave had given Cassidy a key, he’d told her to make herself at home anytime she wanted. Now she wasn’t sure exactly what she needed, but some instinct had led her here. Her journal was in her bag; maybe she’d curl up on the couch and try to process her thoughts by writing them down, as she’d done many times in the past months.