“You’re really serious?” He stands up and stands in front of me.
I nod my head. “I just can’t do this right now.”
His eyes fill with anger and pain. It kills me knowing I put it there.
“Fine. Fucking be naive, and let him control us even after he’s dead.” He walks past me and a second later I hear the door slam.
I sit down on the couch and run my hands through my hair.
This shit is so fucked up.
Chapter Fifteen
Julia
I hear the door open and close, silently thanking God that Lacey could come over. My head is a fucking mess right now and I have no idea what to do. She sits down next to me throwing a bunch of stuff on the table. When I look up and there is a ton of candy and two bottles of wine, I wrap my arms around her. It’s been hours since Brian dropped the bomb that he did and I don’t feel any better.
“You’re a life saver.”
“I know, now let’s talk about the cluster fuck your life has turned into.” I laugh. Lacey has never had a knack for subtlety. “What are you feeling?”
“That’s just it, Lace. I have no idea how I’m feeling about Brian. Do I love him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I wish we would have figured this shit out years ago? Yes.” She rips open the bag of Doritos and looks back up at me like I’m a damn soap opera she is caught up in. “Then there’s the other side. Can I just forget that I ever loved Dan because he did a fucked up thing? No. Can I forget the hell I went through after Brian? No. Can I just throw all my inhibitions out the window and jump into something with him? No.” I look over at Lacey and she is still eating the damn chips and watching me. I’m really starting to feel like a freak show attraction. “Can you say something?”
She shakes her head and starts to laugh. “Girl, you need to go on Dr. Phil, ‘cause this shit is fucking unreal. I mean this is made for TV shit right here.”
“You’re not helping.” I snatch the bag of chips from her laughing at the expression on her face.
“Listen, babe, I can’t tell you what to do. I know that’s what you’re looking for, but only you can know what’s right for you. I know you can’t forget all of the shit that happened that summer, and the way you felt but it has to help to know none of it was real. Right?”
“See that’s just it. It is real. It was hell. It might not have been Brian’s fault, but the pain is all the same. I know what it feels like to lose him. Say I decide to be with him, then it doesn’t work, I couldn’t do that shit again.”
“I know, I was there. I’m just saying maybe you need to think about it, babe. You always said how much you loved him, you have obviously been drawn to him since he’s gotten back. Maybe it was meant to be.”
That’s the last thing I need to hear right now. I don’t need Lacey to push me toward him, I need someone to slap the shit out of me and tell me that I’m a damn idiot for even considering taking him back. That’s what my head is telling me. It wants me to move away to Timbuktu just to keep myself from going back to him. My heart is a whole different story. It wants me to run across the street and tell him how much I still love him. How much I have missed him. How at night I still dream about him.
“I can’t think like that. I can’t let myself think that things will be great between us. Do you remember how much we used to fight?”
“I remember that no fight could compare with how well that man made up after.” She winks at me and I throw the pillow next to me at her.
“You are so not helping.”
“Hey, you never said I needed to come over to help, you just sent an SOS so I brought candy and wine.”
I shake my head at her. Since we were kids that’s always been our code. SOS meant that shit hit the fan and we needed some cheering up. It evolved into wine in college. In fifth grade, Lacey sent her first SOS when the boy Billy that she liked put dirt in her hair at recess. I came to her house with a box of fruit snacks and we watched a Saved By The Bell marathon so she could obsess over Zack Morris instead of Billy Scott.
“I’m scared.” It’s all I say. It’s the truth.
“Of what?”
The smile leaves her face as she sits up straighter sensing the change in my demeanor. “Of him. Of us. Of being in love with him again.”
“Aw, babe, maybe you won’t even like him once you get together again. Maybe when he was deployed his dick got shot off, at that point he is useless anyway and the appeal is gone.”
My mouth drops open. “You did not just say that.” I break out in laughter barely able to breathe.
Lacey pats me on the back before standing up. “You need wine.” She heads into the kitchen while I’m still trying to catch my breath. I’ll worry about Brian tomorrow, tonight I need to drown my sorrows with my best friend.
***
Lacey empties the last of the wine into my cup as we scroll through old pictures of the two of us.
“Oh my God!” she screeches. “How do you have a picture of that?” On the screen is a picture of Lacey passed out on her desk during our first period junior year of high school.
“I snapped it when Miss Smith was calling the disciplinarian. Everyone seriously thought you were a drug addict that day.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault! They should label the packages better!”
“Lacey the bottle said Tylenol PM!”
She laughs. “I though PM meant premenstrual and I had serious cramps. How the hell would I have known it was basically a sleeping pill?”
“Um, because it had a picture of a person sleeping on the box!”
She waves me off. “I just thought it meant you finally fucking sleep ‘cause you didn’t have cramps anymore.”
We both break into hysterics. Lacey and I have gotten into some crazy situations, but that day was insane. I had to walk her to the disciplinarian and by walk I mean half carry her. It took Miss Avery almost an hour to get the story from her because she kept falling asleep while she was talking to her. When she realized what Lacey had done she sent her to the nurse’s office to sleep it off and I went back to pick her up at dismissal. She would rather the kids have thought she took drugs then call her stupid so she never told them the truth. Only the two of us knew why she really slept the whole day.
A horn honks outside and my mood drops. Lacey called a cab about twenty minutes ago because there is no way she could drive home. “Well, lady, I love you hard.” She gives me a hug and I wish that she didn’t have to leave. “Morning meetings are the damn devil.”
“Bye, Lace, thanks for tonight.”
“SOS is my favorite kind of text.” She winks at me before she leaves.
I look around hating being alone in this house. I’ve considered selling it and just getting an apartment. I don’t need all this space and every inch of this house is filled with a memory I no longer want to remember.
I look across the street to see Brian’s light on. I wonder what he is doing. Is he thinking about me? Does he know how much I wish we could rewind time? I shake my head thinking about all the years and the pain wasted. Before I know what I’m doing I walk across the street. When I get to the door I don’t knock. What would I say? What is there to say?
“Hey, sorry I thought you were an asshole for eight years?” Nope. “Hey, sorry I married the guy that broke us both?” Nope. “Hey, sorry I—“
“Jules?”
I look up and see Brian standing there. Busted. Now what? Say something! Anything! Make words come out of your mouth! I stare back at him lost in my thoughts. He’s gonna think you’re crazy. Only crazy people talk to themselves you know.
“Are you okay?”
Now he definitely thinks you’re crazy. Speak bitch! “Hi.” Real fucking articulate.
“Hi.” He looks at me expecting more.
“So I’m gonna go.” I turn to walk, or more like run away. Before I know it I’m flying through the air and land on the cement face first. What the fuck!
“Jules!” Brian is next to me help
ing me to my feet. “Shit, you’re bleeding.”
Brian takes me inside as I giggle to myself. The bottle of wine combined with my lack of balance is really comical. I sit on his couch and look around. Besides the TV, it is the only thing in the room. Even though he has been here for months it looks like he just moved in.
“Why is your house so empty?” He walks back in and gives me a confused look. “I mean there aren’t any decorations or anything. You’re a guy, I figured it would be like a man cave with sports shit everywhere.”
“Have you been drinking?” He looks at me as he wipes the cut I apparently acquired on my forehead.
“Yes, daddy, an entire bottle of wine.” As soon as the sentence leaves my mouth I blush.
“Just so we are clear, I don’t find you calling me daddy annoying, in fact it’s pretty fucking hot.”
Suddenly every time he touches me my skin feels like it’s on fire. Being this close to him and knowing everything I found out today sucks. “Why do you always say stuff like that? Are you constantly trying to turn me on?” I swear to God. Word vomit. I was better being a fucking mute.
He smirks as he looks at me. He places a small Band-Aid on the cut and then leans in close to my ear. “I love that my dirty mouth turns you on, Jules. And if you would let me, I could do a lot more with it than make your panties wet.”
Holy fuck.
I have no idea what to do or say. Brian hasn’t moved and I don’t trust myself to. He pulls away and stands up. “You should stay here tonight. You hit your head pretty hard.”
Is he fucking crazy? Staying here is the last thing I need. “I should really go.”
“At least hang out for a little bit. Let me make sure you’re ok.” I can’t help but smile at the fact that he is worried about me and insisting on taking care of me.
“Okay, but not long.”
He sits down on the other side of the couch and turns the TV on. I bite my lip as I look over at him. “Stop doing that before I bite it for you.”
I immediately release it as a blush rises from my neck over my cheeks.
How the hell am I going to survive being here with him?
Chapter Sixteen
Brian
Having her here with me right now and not touching her is killing me. Once I found out that everything I thought happened was a lie, I wanted to pick up right where we left off. When she turned me down, it hurt. I thought I was dreaming when I heard her voice earlier, but when I opened the door there she was looking like a deer in headlights.
I try to keep my attention focused on the movie I turned on but all I can do is look at her. My couch is big but right now it feels like the smallest place in the world. All I want to do is move over to her, wrap her in my arms, and remind her why we have always been so good together.
“So there are some cool places in town, where you could get different things to decorate.”
I smile at how uncomfortable she is, that only means she feels our connection as much as I do. “Why are you so worried about if my house is decorated or not?” I turn to face her and the change of position places us even closer to each other.
Her tongue darts out to wet her lips and my hands fist the edge of the couch to keep from going to her. “I just figured that since you bought the house you would want it to feel like more of a home.”
Home. That is a word that has never really meant anything to me. I move closer to her needing to be next to her. “This isn’t a home right now, Jules. Not without someone to share it with.” I take a deep breath as I prepare to put myself out there for her once more. “I never decorated it because I always pictured sharing a house with you, having you hang flowers and girly shit everywhere. This will never be home without you in it.”
She inhales deeply before she slowly leans toward me. I freeze not wanting to make any moves. I want her to be the one to initiate this. When her lips touch mine it is pure fucking heaven. It’s everything I have wanted since the moment I lost her all those years ago. I trace the line of her lips with my tongue and she opens for me. Accepting me. Inviting me in.
My hands run up her sides and tangle into her hair, holding her close to me like if I open my eyes she might be gone. She moans as I slide my tongue in and out of her mouth and my dick instantly swells. I want to take her so bad right now but I know that she isn’t ready for that. I can’t rush her. I can’t lose her again.
“Brian…” she whispers. I know that’s my cue to stop, to not push her.
I pull away and look at her. Her lips are red and swollen from our kiss, and it gives me a sense of pride knowing I’m the one that made them like that. “Don’t say you have to go. Even if you don’t stay with me. Even we stop with that kiss, I want you here. I’ve missed you for years and now that you’re here I don’t want to miss another second. I know you’re still grieving and I can accept that, but you need to know that I’m all in. You’re it for me, always have been, always will be.”
Her hand slowly traces my cheek. She lets out a sigh as she shakes her head. “I have never been able to tell you no. I think that’s what scares me more than anything else. I can’t go through losing you again, Brian. I can’t grieve you again. I’m not even out of the grieving stage for my husband.”
Hearing her call him her husband pisses me off so bad. He never deserved the damn title. I take a deep breath and calm down before saying anything. “I know that, baby, that’s why I said the cards are all in your hands. How this all goes is up to you.”
She nods her head and lays it down on my chest. “Right now I don’t want to think about anything. I just want to be. No problems, no arguing, just peace.” She pulls her feet up on the couch so she’s now laying down and I run my hand through her hair.
“I’ll give you anything you want. Just say the word.” I wait for her response. Nothing comes. When I look down her eyes are closed and I can feel that her breathing has evened out. She looks like a damn angel as she sleeps on me and all I can think of is how it would feel to lose her again.
The only difference would be that this time it really would be my fault. My demons could very well scare her away. While I know that I should start this the right way with no secrets and no lies, I can’t. She would never understand. She would never forgive me.
Sometimes even loving someone with all your heart isn’t enough to overcome the things in your past or your present. Sometimes it just isn’t enough, especially if trust is broken the way it would be with us. If she finds out she would leave me, and this time she would never look back.
I turn my attention back to the TV trying to think of anything but the fact that she is here with me.
That I finally have her and that I might lose her just as quickly.
Chapter Seventeen
Julia
I open my eyes feeling more rested then I have in the longest time. When I realize my surroundings, I sit straight up. I have absolutely no idea where I am, and the fact that I’m lying in a bed right now is freaking me out. I think back to last night and that’s when I figure out where I am, Brian’s bed. The details of last night are pretty foggy, all I can hope is that I didn’t do anything that I’m going to regret.
I don’t see Brian anywhere so I decide to try and sneak out. I know it isn’t the most mature thing to do but I also know it’s going to be super awkward between us. After everything he said to me last night I just don’t know how to act. I want to give him another chance so bad but I don’t want to open myself up to being hurt again. I walk softly down the steps wondering where the heck he is.
“Sneaking out?” I jump as the voice comes from right next to my ear. When I turn around he is standing there with a stupid grin on his face.
“That was so not funny.” I say trying my best not to laugh.
“It really was though, I made breakfast.” Before I can respond he grabs my hand and leads me into his kitchen. There is a small circular table with juice and two plates of food on it. He cooked for me? I sit down as Brian sits
across from me, neither of us talks as the awkwardness I was avoiding sets in. “Why were you leaving?”
Because I don’t know what to say to you. Because I want to tell you I’m all in but I’m scared. “I just figured I would go home and get changed.” Liar.
He is looking at me and I feel like he can see right through me and all my bullshit. “Usually you only sneak out when you have something to hide.”
I internally roll my eyes at him not wanting him to know how right he is about me and my intentions. “I wasn’t sneaking out. I just didn’t want to disturb you.” Liar.
He stops eating and looks up at me. “Jules, I meant everything I said to you last night, but one thing about me hasn’t changed, I still can’t stand liars.”
I freeze, not expecting to have him call me out like that. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do, what to say. This is all overwhelming for me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I never in a million years would have thought I would be here with you.”
He nods. “Me too, babe, but here we are. I laid it out for you last night, and I meant what I said when I told you I wouldn’t pressure you. I do need to know where you stand though, mainly because I need to know where the line is.”
I don’t answer him right away. He wants me to tell him where the line is but I don’t even really know that. He wants to know where I stand, I have no idea. I haven’t even had the chance to process the fact that we were separated by Dan and not by each other’s actions. As much as I hate what he did to Brian and me, it doesn’t erase the years of me loving him. “I don’t know where I stand honestly. If you need an answer now I don’t have one for you. My life has been turned upside down and now I need to pick up all the shattered pieces.”
“Let me help.” I look at him in confusion. “Let me be there for you. Help you pick up the pieces and put them back together. There doesn’t have to be any expectations or anything. I just want to be around you, to support you in whatever way I can. I missed out on years with you and I don’t want to miss anymore.”
Keeping Her Page 7