Life's a Witch

by Amanda M. Lee

  “Like when you threatened me with a gun?”

  “No, I was definitely right when I did that,” Aunt Tillie replied, causing Aunt Willa to scowl.

  “When did you shoot at them?” Mom asked. “You weren’t out in the storm, were you? You’ll get sick if you’re not careful.”

  Aunt Willa was incredulous. “That’s what you’re worried about? You’re not upset that she held a gun on me?”

  “You’re obviously still alive,” Landon interjected. “She couldn’t have gotten very close.”

  “That’s a great attitude for law enforcement to have,” Aunt Willa hissed.

  “Hey, if she actually shot you – or was aiming at you – I might be more concerned,” Landon said. “I happen to know that she didn’t aim that gun at you and was shooting at other things, so you’re only making trouble to make trouble.”

  “What was she shooting at?” Clove asked.

  “Teenagers,” I replied. “They were out by the … trees … looking around.”

  “That’s not good,” Thistle said, reading between the lines. “Do they know we found their money?”

  “What money?” Marnie asked.

  “Landon claims everyone in town is going to know we found that money by the end of the day,” I said. “I don’t know whether it was about the money as much as it was about the … oregano.”

  “That’s code for marijuana,” Rosemary explained to Brian. “Apparently Aunt Tillie grows her own illicit drugs.”

  “I’ve heard that,” Brian said. “People can look as long as they want. They’ll never find it if it’s true. I think it’s an urban legend. When I was living here I spent months looking for it. I never found a thing.”

  “I knew it!” Aunt Tillie hopped to her feet. “I knew you were a busybody.”

  “Hey, I thought it would make a good story,” Brian countered. “Who doesn’t love an article about a little old lady growing weed?”

  Aunt Willa raised her hand.

  “You weren’t looking for it because you wanted to print an article about Aunt Tillie,” Landon argued. “You were looking for it so you would have something to hold over Bay’s head. You think if you can get her to quit the newspaper you’ll be able to get around the stipulations of your grandfather’s will. You’re not fooling anyone.”

  “Is that true?” Mom was aghast. “Of course it’s true. You’re a snake. That makes total sense.”

  “I am not a snake!”

  “You’re worse than a snake,” Thistle said. “A snake has human nature working against it – and mostly just wants to slither around and amuse itself. You want to slither around and undermine everyone. You’re a … snake turd.”

  “Good one,” Aunt Tillie said.

  “I want to know what you and Rosemary were doing on the property in the first place, Willa,” Landon said. “This is the second time you’ve been wandering around. You don’t strike me as a nature girl.”

  “Landon has a point,” Marnie said. “Although … I want to go back a second. Why does no one ever tell me the good stories? I would’ve loved to see Aunt Tillie threaten Aunt Willa with a gun.”

  “Hey, I missed the best story of the week,” Clove argued. “I didn’t get to see Mom whip her bra at Aunt Willa’s head. I feel so left out.”

  “That’s what happens when you move in with someone and don’t tell your mother,” Marnie shot back.

  “I haven’t moved in with Sam,” Clove protested.

  “Yet,” Sam supplied. “We’re doing it soon, though.”

  “Sam!” Clove’s eyes bounced from face to face. “I … we’re … um … .”

  “Oh, calm yourself,” Aunt Tillie chided. “Everyone knows you’re going to move in with Sam. We’ve been talking about it for weeks.”

  “But … why didn’t anyone tell me?” Clove whined. “That would’ve made my life so much easier.”

  “That’s why we didn’t tell you,” Aunt Tillie said, focusing on Aunt Willa. “Why have you been searching the property? Did you hide a box of money out here when we were kids or something?”

  “I grew up on this property,” Aunt Willa replied. “I have a right to look around.”

  “You don’t live here any longer,” Aunt Tillie reminded her. “You don’t have any rights where this property is concerned. I own it now. It’s all mine. When I die in fifty years – and I don’t plan on going a minute before then – the property will pass to Winnie, Marnie and Twila in equal shares. They will then pass it on to their girls.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” Aunt Willa said. “I still have a claim on this property.”

  “Here we go,” Landon muttered. “I had a feeling it was something like this.”

  He wasn’t alone. I just couldn’t figure out how she thought she would get control of Aunt Tillie long enough to wrest ownership of the property away from her.

  “You don’t have a claim on this property,” Aunt Tillie said. “Ginger and I bought your share of the property because you weren’t interested in staying here. We had it appraised and paid you fair market value. I have the documents showing you signed over your share.”

  “Yes, but I was hoodwinked when that happened,” Aunt Willa said. “I didn’t know the real value of the property. I happen to know it’s worth a million dollars now. I want my share.”

  “There was no value in the property when we made the deal,” Aunt Tillie argued. “We built the value in the property by expanding the house and building the inn. That’s where the value comes in. You had nothing to do with that.”

  “We?” Mom raised an eyebrow.

  “I supervised you building the inn,” Aunt Tillie shot back. “That counts.”

  “Fine,” Mom said, holding up her hands. “It doesn’t matter, though. Aunt Willa has no claim on this property.”

  “My attorney thinks otherwise,” Aunt Willa said, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Then your attorney is a moron,” Landon suggested. “Wait … isn’t Rosemary your attorney? If so, she’s definitely an idiot. Aunt Tillie has the land deeds. She’s the owner. You don’t have any legal standing here.”

  “How are you even involved in this conversation?” Aunt Willa challenged.

  “I like to spread my wisdom near and far, no matter the topic,” Landon replied, blasé.

  “Well, keep quiet,” Aunt Willa ordered. “You have no say in this.”

  “Don’t talk to him that way,” I said. “He’s a part of our family. You’re not.”

  “Thank you, sweetie,” Landon said, handing me a roll.

  “All of this is crazy,” Aunt Tillie said. “I knew you were up to something. Even I didn’t think you were this stupid, though. Go ahead and file your lawsuit. I’m going to make you pay my legal costs when it fails, though. I’m also going to laugh at you in public, including taking a trip south to follow you around just so I can point and laugh in grocery stores and restaurants.”

  I pursed my lips to keep from giggling at the visual.

  “I guess we’ll just have to settle this in court then, won’t we?” Aunt Willa said, making a face. “I intend to win.”

  “Well, good luck,” Aunt Tillie replied. “I don’t ever lose. It should be interesting.”

  Twenty-Eight

  “How are you feeling this morning, my witchy wonder?” Landon asked, his tone teasing as we walked to The Overlook. He was having a good time making nicknames out of “witch” lately. I found it annoying and charming at the same time. I wonder what that says about me.

  “That’s a weird question. Why would I feel anything but hungry?”

  “You have a little spring in your step,” Landon replied. “I would like to take credit for it … heck, I’m going to take credit for it because I’m fairly certain I’m the reason you’re smiling. But I think something else is going on, too.”

  “If you must know, I’m relieved we found out what Aunt Willa is up to. It’s like half the weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now all we hav
e to do is find a murderer and track down whoever would be stupid enough to partner with teenage kids to sell drugs. That sounds pretty easy to me.”

  Landon snorted. “I love it when you’re in a good mood. You almost seem like a little kid because you’re so wide-eyed and agreeable.”

  “I am always agreeable.”

  “Says the woman who once went an entire night saying ‘I know you are, but what am I’ to Thistle when she decided to start an insult contest.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You seem to be in a good mood, too,” I said, switching the conversation around on him. “Am I the reason you’re happy?”

  “You’re definitely part of it,” Landon replied. “I also think there’s going to be some bacon in my future. I can’t decide which one of you gets top billing in my morning.”

  I elbowed his ribs playfully. “It’s a good thing you’re handsome, because otherwise there would be absolutely nothing in this relationship for me.”

  “Except my charm, body and bedroom prowess, right?”

  “If that’s what you need to tell yourself,” I replied, pushing open the back door of the family living quarters and frowning when I found the sofa empty. “It’s seven. Aunt Tillie should be watching the morning news programs so she has something to complain about over breakfast.”

  “Maybe Willa snuck in here and smothered her in her sleep,” Landon suggested.

  “That’s not funny.”

  “Wow. You’re Team Tillie from the get-go today. I’m impressed.”

  “She’s my great-aunt and I love her,” I sniffed.

  “She’s also on your good side because she told you what a catch I am and how you do nothing but make life harder for yourself when you freak out over my intentions,” Landon said.

  “Your ego gets bigger and bigger with every breath.”

  Landon grinned, his status as “world’s most charming man” on full display. “It’s a good thing I have you to bring me back down to earth, isn’t it?” He gave me a quick kiss and then pulled me toward the kitchen. “Maybe she’s already at the table. She’s probably eating my bacon even as we speak.”

  That didn’t sound likely, but I followed Landon anyway. When we found the kitchen empty, I knew something was wrong.

  “Where is my bacon?” Landon asked, looking around with a forlorn expression. “I … we … something terrible has happened here.”

  I shot him a sympathetic look and then flicked his ear. “My family is missing.”

  “Hey, if they left us bacon we could’ve celebrated that fact,” Landon replied, although he kept moving through the kitchen and pushed into the dining room. That’s where we found the first signs of life – although the guests looked terrified. “What’s going on?”

  “Where is my family?” I asked.

  No one answered. Instead, the energetic woman from the night before merely extended her hand in the direction of the foyer. I scampered in that direction, visions of Aunt Tillie standing over Aunt Willa’s dead body flitting through my head. It was going to be hard to hide a body with county police personnel descending on the area.

  “This is illegal! I will call Mark Geragos and sue you for discrimination!”

  Aunt Willa was screeching when we rounded the corner. The first thing I noticed – other than her exposed tonsils – was two packed bags resting on the floor in front of the check-in desk.

  “What’s going on?”

  Everyone ignored me.

  “Who is Mark Geragos?” Twila asked, confused.

  “He’s a famous lawyer,” Marnie replied. “I suggest you get him for your plan to sue us for our property, Aunt Willa. We all know Rosemary isn’t smart enough to handle the case. If you hire him for both maybe he’ll only bill you once.”

  “You cannot do this to me,” Aunt Willa seethed. “I’m a paying guest.”

  “And we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone,” Mom said, tapping the sign behind the desk for emphasis. “Get out!”

  “This is kind of neat,” Landon said, leaning against the desk and crossing his arms over his chest. “Someone pull her hair. I want to see if that bun is real or a wig.”

  Aunt Tillie’s eyes gleamed as she reached forward, but Mom slapped her hand back before she could grab a hank.

  “She could sue us if you did that, Aunt Tillie. Think!”

  Aunt Tillie glanced at me, smiling broadly. She was enjoying this little scene. I didn’t blame her.

  “You cannot kick me off of my own property,” Aunt Willa said. “It’s against the law.”

  Mom turned to Landon. “Well?”

  “Oh, well, good,” he said. “I was feeling left out. Um … while property disputes really aren’t my area of expertise … since the deed is in Aunt Tillie’s name they can kick you out.”

  “Of course you would say that,” Aunt Willa spat. “You’re sleeping with the enemy … literally.”

  “Hey!” I had no idea where to go with my outrage. “You’re a horrible person.”

  Landon slipped his arm around my shoulders. “I think lack of food is getting to you, sweetie,” he said. “That really wasn’t your best effort.”

  “I knew it as soon as I said it.”

  “I’m not leaving,” Aunt Willa said. “You can’t make me. This is my property.”

  Mom shot Landon a “kick her out if you ever want me to cook for you again” look.

  “I have no jurisdiction in this,” Landon said. “If you want an official presence, well, it’s going to have to be Chief Terry.”

  “That’s who I want then,” Aunt Willa said. “I want someone who isn’t tied to this family to tell you guys how wrong you are. Call him.”

  “Call him,” Landon agreed. “While Winnie is doing that, Aunt Tillie needs to get the deed so we have visual proof.”

  Aunt Tillie kicked her heels together and saluted. “It would be my pleasure. Can I get my gun, too?”

  “Don’t even think about it,” Landon warned.

  “So, what do we do?” Twila asked. “We have to get breakfast on the table, but we can’t leave them without a chaperone in case they try to steal something.”

  “I have never been this insulted in my whole life!” Aunt Willa bellowed.

  “I have a feeling you’ll be saying that again in twenty minutes,” Landon replied. “Twila and Marnie, you can go and fix breakfast. Bay and I will watch Willa. Just a request, but if you make bacon and bring it to me here, I’ll make sure Chief Terry pats her down to make sure she didn’t steal the silverware on her way out.”

  “I’m going to fry you up a whole pig,” Marnie promised, narrowing her eyes to dangerous slits as she glanced at Aunt Willa. “You’re just lucky you’re not the pig.”

  Landon’s smile was cocky when the four of us remained. “I can tell already this is going to be my favorite breakfast ever.”

  “And I didn’t even have to get naked,” I said. “I think that reflects poorly on me.”

  “You’re all deviants,” Aunt Willa grumbled. “You’re sick and terrible miscreants.”

  “I can live with that.”

  “HOW can you people be having a crisis before breakfast?”

  Chief Terry looked as if the last place he wanted to be was in the center of a scene from Witchpocalypse Now.

  “I blame Aunt Willa,” I offered.

  “I blame her, too,” Landon added, rubbing his nose against my cheek. He was in a good mood this morning, and it was making him frisky.

  “Do not make me turn the hose on you two,” Chief Terry warned. “All this canoodling is giving me heartburn.”

  “I think the fact that you’re using the word ‘canoodling’ is what’s giving you heartburn, because it signifies you’ve been traveling through time, and that’s bound to have an effect on the body,” Landon countered.

  “Bay has been a terrible influence on you,” Chief Terry said. “I was worried you were going to be bad for her, but it turns out she’s turned you into a … .”

  “Dev
iant,” Aunt Willa supplied.

  “I was going to say whipped and horny puppy,” Chief Terry replied. “What seems to be the trouble here?”

  “She’s the Devil,” Aunt Tillie answered.

  “Can you be more precise?”

  “She’s the Devil from Hell.”

  Landon pursed his lips to keep from laughing as I opted to help. “Aunt Willa announced to everyone that she’s going to take us to court because she believes she was screwed over on land rights forty years ago.”

  “That’s despicable, but predictable,” Chief Terry said. “Why am I here?”

  “Our moms kicked them out this morning, but they refuse to leave because Aunt Willa claims she owns part of the property,” I answered.

  Chief Terry groaned. “Seriously. I’ve got a dead man and a razed pot field. This is the silliest … .”

  “Good morning, Terry,” Mom said, appearing in the doorway with a heaping plate of eggs, hash browns, toast and bacon. “I thought you would like to eat something because you had to go out of your way to see to our little domestic dispute.”

  Aunt Willa made a face. She had no idea what was going on, but it was hilarious to watch her try to figure it out.

  “Where is my bacon?” Landon asked.

  “It’s in the dining room.” Mom didn’t even bother looking at him.

  “I’m the one who watched them to make sure they didn’t steal any silverware. My bacon should be served to me out here.”

  “Then make Bay put on an apron and serve you,” Mom suggested.

  Landon shot me a hopeful look.

  “Don’t even think about it,” I warned. “Do I look like the type of person who wears an apron?”

  “I don’t care if you wear an apron. You can be naked as far as I care. I just want my bacon.”

  “Hey!” Chief Terry extended a warning finger in Landon’s direction. “You’re on my last nerve.” He popped a piece of bacon into his mouth and rewarded Landon with a smug smile. “And you’re totally missing out.”

  “Bay, I’m going to have to start cursing people if he eats all my bacon,” Landon said.

  “Curse Aunt Willa,” I suggested. “She has it coming.”