by C. B. Stagg
"Yeah, about that… ”
I wasn’t stealthy, and I didn’t particularly like playing games, but I couldn’t just come right out and ask her if she’d purposely put me in the position where I currently found myself. I needed to tread lightly in case my instincts were wrong.
“I love this apartment that you helped me find. Any particular reason you chose this apartment complex, in this part of town?”
“Well,” she started, ticking reasons off on her long, perfectly manicured fingers as she went, “it’s in a good area. Low crime, you know? Oh, and it’s cheap. Plus, it’s close to work and close to me.” That ‘cat that ate the canary’ grin on her face was telling me more than her words were.
“I think you may have forgotten one reason… ” I narrowed my eyes and stared her down, silently daring her to deny the truth.
“Hmm, and what would that be exactly?” The hands on her hips and her cocked head were red flags that she was on to me. I saw this as a challenge.
“New paint and new carpet!” I shouted in mock excitement.
The gleam in her eye disappeared, and her jaw dropped, erasing the playful grin she’d had only seconds before. “Oh, I thought… ” Ha! I threw her off. Score one for Casey.
“You thought what? You thought that I’d say something about the fact that a certain friend of yours lives a mere 150 yards away?”
“A friend of mine?” Her words dripped with false innocence. “I’m not sure who you could be talking about.”
“Becky, don’t play dumb with me. I’m on to your shenanigans.”
“I assume you’re talking about Vaughn, but why are you acting like this mere coincidence is a bad thing? Are you honestly mad that you’re living in close proximity to such a beautiful woman?”
“You, my friend, are as shameless as a nude statue.” I shook my head. “The ink wasn’t even dry on the petition for divorce, and you were practically pushing me into the arms of a much younger woman. You have never made secret your feelings for Kris, but this is ridiculous. What were you hoping to accomplish with this little stunt?” I plopped down on a kitchen chair, awaiting her response.
“Listen, boy,” Oh, no. "I have known you for almost half your life. I’ve been by your side in good times and in bad. We’ve shared our hopes and dreams, as well as all our fears. You and I both know that Kris wasn’t your soul mate. And I tried to tell you that several different ways, but would you listen to me? No, you went off and married her, even though you knew she wasn’t right for you. And I know exactly why you did that, Casey Clark. Fear. You were scared. You were scared to love someone or something again, lest it destroy you—again.”
As much as I did not want to admit it, she was right. I’d had this talk with myself a thousand times, but wasn’t quite ready to hear someone else say it.
Softening her tone, Becky sat in front of me and grabbed my hands. “Baby, I loathe Lacey for what she did to you, but at some point, you have to let that go.” I physically winced at her name, like I’d been stung by a wasp. “This fortress you’ve built around your heart isn’t going to bring that baby back.”
Her. That baby was a ‘her’.
I didn’t think I’d said that aloud, but the tears on my best friend’s face as she leaned in to hug me said otherwise.
“Did you do it?” I shouted, kicking the locker closest to me. “Tell me you didn’t do it!” Lacey backed away from me until her body bumped into the lockers behind her. That body that I’d worshiped for so long, but now despised.
“Come on, Casey, don’t make this harder on me than it has to be.” She tried to appear strong, but the quiver in her voice told me her confidence was an act. She’d never seen me like this. Hell, I’d never seen myself like this.
“You?” How had I been so blind to her selfish ways? “Don’t make this harder on YOU? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I couldn’t have been closer to her without being inside her, which coincidentally, was what had started all this in the first place.
“Casey… ” She put her hands against my chest, turning her face away. She was obviously uncomfortable and wanted me out of her space, but I wouldn’t budge. It took all I had not to cause her physical harm after the news I’d gotten and she’d just confirmed.
“It’s always fucking about you, isn’t it, Lacey?”
Hearing the rumor was like a shot of adrenaline to the heart and I’d planned to turn the school upside down until I found Lacey. But now that I’d found her, the adrenaline high was slipping away. And in its place, a heavy cloud of grief settled into my bones.
“Why?” I fought the stinging in my eyes with all my might. “WHY didn’t you tell me? Didn’t you think I had a right to know? Things could have been different. We could have worked things out, for the—”
“STOP!” she screamed, all signs of her false bravado gone. “Just stop, please,” she whispered, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I wasn’t ready… WE weren’t ready. We couldn’t handle—”
“Who the hell do you think you are deciding what I’m ready for? Or what I could handle?” I was pacing, trying to burn off some of the rage I was bottling up inside. “I handled your needy ass for two years. I’m pretty sure I could handle anything after that.” I fell against the wall, sliding to the cold tile below. She remained standing, just out of reach. Class was in session and other than a few heads peeking out at the commotion, we were alone.
“You killed our baby. How could you KILL our baby?” I was mourning a child. Our child. My child, the one that she purposely killed. “How could you not tell me? Not ask me? Not INCLUDE me in the decision to kill our baby, Lacey?” My words hung in the air like a storm cloud, dark and ominous.
“I didn’t think you’d ever know. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I knew there was no way I could have a baby. Not right now. Not when I’d just accepted a dance scholarship to Kilgore. I’d be throwing my life away.”
The silence was deafening as I processed her words, wondering if she really believed what she was saying.
“So you threw our baby’s life away instead? You just killed it.” IT. Not he or she, just it… because I’d never been given the option to know my child well enough even to know if it was a boy or a girl.
She crouched down beside me, resting a hand on my shoulder. But the scent of her and the feel of her touch made my stomach roll. I jerked my body away from her hand, unable to be near her any longer. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” I roared. My shaky hands ran through my hair over and over and the sweat running down from my temples stung my eyes. My skin crawled, a thousand ants feasted on my body, and I wondered if the air had been poisoned by Lacey’s presence.
She was crying, that was obvious. But I couldn’t even look at the face of someone so cold and cruel. Her pathetic whimpers every few seconds made bile rise up into my throat. And when I met her eyes, the girl I loved was gone. I was looking into the face of a stranger. A murderer.
“Don’t you ever touch me again. Don’t look at me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t speak my name.” Her tears came harder, her body wracked with sobs. All of the air had been sucked from the space we shared, and I knew I had to get away from her, away from that place. Turning toward the door, I quickened my pace. But when she called my name, I instinctively stopped.
Ready to unload my fury on her again, I spun around. But before I could react, she simply said, “her.” It was a whisper, but I’d heard it loud and clear. Her whole body shook as she drew in a deep breath, steadying herself.
“She was a girl.”
Becky broke our embrace and held me by my shoulders at arm’s length to look me straight in the eyes. Dried tear tracks marred her flawlessly smooth, coffee-colored skin. Makeup was smudged around her eyes, but that was nothing new to me. She’d cried almost as many tears over what Lacey did as I had that last year of high school.
“She broke you.” Fresh tears rolled down her face as she choked the words out. “She stole your right to have a say in what happened to that baby, but I think you’
ve handled this all wrong, babe. I don’t think completely eliminating love from your life is going to make the pain of losing your daughter any less. In fact, have you ever thought that maybe love is what you need to heal?”
The loss of my daughter sent me into a tailspin of destruction. I drank myself numb from my dad’s stash until I got to college and lost access to my unlimited supply. Then I met Kris and she seemed so safe. She was comfortable, easy on the eyes, and comfortable to be with. She didn’t ask questions or require much from me emotionally, which was perfect because I had nothing left to give. She seemed to be exactly what I needed, but I was starting to think Becky may be on to something.
Had I been wrong all this time?
“I guess I need to come clean,” Becky continued, wiping her face. “I’ve known Vaughn for three years. I was assigned as her faculty mentor when she came here as a freshman; you’ve probably heard me talk about her. She came to A&M with no one—absolutely no one.”
“I know.”
“What exactly do you know?” Becky seemed genuinely surprised.
I think I know pretty much everything. "We’ve… We’ve become kinda close over the last few weeks.”
“Case, I have wanted this for you for so long.” She exhaled and slumped back in the chair, like the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted. “The moment Vaughn walked into my office—afraid, but determined to change her destiny—I knew… ” Her declaration had faded into a whisper.
“It was strange,” she continued. “Every moment with her, every conversation, further confirmed it. It was clear she just needed someone to love and value her. She reminded me so much of you, and I knew if I could just get y’all together, you’d feel it too. You two fit together. Vaughn IS your missing part. You complete each other. And if you don’t believe me now, you just wait.” Her stare was almost manic. “You. Just. Wait.”
“I’ve always said you meddled too much.” I stood up, stretching tall, shaking my aches and pains away, both physical and emotional. “I was so pissed at you the day Vaughn wandered onto my field.”
“And you think she wasn’t? Stomping into my office, demanding a different placement, not wanting to coach with the likes of you—all overbearing and scraggly and sullen, with your stares and your grunts.”
“Vaughn stomped into your office demanding to move to a different team?” Thinking back on my behavior, I don’t know why that possibility surprised me.
“Nah, I was just jacking with ya.” She slapped me on the arm, just one of about eight million times she’d done that since I met her. “Actually, Vaughn came in asking for your cell phone number, with some excuse about wanting to talk to you about a kid on your team. But that girl is like an open book. She feels something for you. But Casey, wasn’t that just yesterday?”
The cock of her head and high arched brows gnawed at me, and I felt like a disobedient child being scolded.
Exhale.
“Yeah,” I scrubbed my hand over my face. “A lot has happened in the last twenty-four hours.” I didn’t even try to hide the goofy grin that appeared when I replayed some of the events from last night in my mind.
Becky cackled. “She did think you were a woman, though.” Yes. Yes, she did.
“With a name like Vaughn, what do you think I expected? Not her, that’s for damn sure. But what I don’t understand is why would you send her to me with Kris still in the picture? You know me better than that.”
“The opportunity presented itself, so I took it. Casey, you hadn’t been happy for a long time, and I know for a fact you’d talked to Jase about ending your marriage on numerous occasions. And before you get all huffy, yes, we talk about you when you’re not around. We love you and we worry about you. We just want to see you happy, that’s all.”
“You just needed a little push. My mom always told me, ‘God’ll get ya to the shore, but if you’ve got oars and you’re able, you best be rowing.’”
“I believe you, ya know.” I slumped down in my chair, defeat etched across my face. “She will be the one who completes me. I don’t know how I know, but I do. I just don’t know what I’m doing with her. She seems so fragile, like a broken little bird. And now, after all she’s shared with me, I’m worried that I’m not enough. And I’m scared I’m going to screw everything up. I can’t afford to lose another chunk of my heart, or I won’t have anything left. I think it’s already too late, though.”
Becky squeezed my hands, looked directly into my eyes, and whispered, “Trust me. It’s never too late.”
15-Vaughn
I THOUGHT A TRUE TEST of my willpower was making a pint of Cherry Garcia last more than twenty-four hours in my freezer, but no. That was nothing compared to living across the street from Casey and trying to stick to our agreement. I was positive he’d caught me more than once looking at his apartment from my kitchen window. I knew I’d seen him through his a time or two. I guess if that makes us stalkers, then we had a mutual, unspoken stalking agreement.
It felt like forever, but Tuesday finally came, and I was so ready. On practice days, Casey went to the soccer park straight from work. I only had a narrow window of time between class and practice, so I had to race straight over from campus. I hated that we didn’t get to ride together like we did on game days. On that particular afternoon though, I was able to make a Sonic run on the way and grabbed both of us Cherry Limeades with vanilla.
As I was waiting for our order, my phone lit up with a call from Mr. Preston. “Hello! I didn’t expect to hear from you today,” I sang into the phone, so very excited to hear his smooth, fatherly voice.
“Ahh, Vaughn, dear,” he began in the proper way that was unique only to him, “I hope I’m not disturbing your classes or studies.”
“Nope. I’m sitting at Sonic waiting for the carhop to bring my drinks.” Because I’m about to surprise the boy who’s in like with me.
I may have giggled.
“Oh, well, I won’t keep you. I don’t want you driving while distracted. I was just calling to check on you since I didn’t hear from you over the weekend. I know we don’t have a set schedule, but—”
“Oh no, I’m so sorry! The weekend was kind of… crazy.” Thinking back on it made me smile. Hard. “You remember that soccer class I told you about, right? Well, we had our first game on Saturday, and we won.”
His chuckle made my heart flutter. “Well, good for you, darling. You should be so proud.”
“I don’t know that I can take credit for the kids’ success, but I’m sure proud of them. But hey, there’s something else.” I paused, wanting to be very intentional with my words. “Oh, never mind, it’s not important.”
"Alright, sweetheart. I must run. I’m meeting with a client in a few minutes. I just wanted to check in and tell you to have a wonderful week, my girl.”
Mr. Preston was my best friend, so I probably should have fessed up about the Casey situation, but I chickened out. I guess I just wasn’t ready to define what it was we had, and certainly not to my slightly overprotective father figure.
With his magically blue eagle eyes, Casey spotted me from the main road well before I pulled into the parking lot. His gaze followed me as I got out of my car and walked toward him with a big smile and a Route 44 in each hand. This man—watching me like I was a steak and he was a starving man—was not the same Casey I’d met my first time at the park. That Casey was frustrated, tired, and angry. This Casey was renewed, recharged, and rejuvenated. He had the most magnetic smile that stretched all the way from the wrinkles around his eyes to his full mouth of slightly imperfect, beautiful teeth. Just his presence makes me go weak in the knees, and I think he knows it.
“Hey, you… What’cha got there?” he asked as he reached for the drink I offered him. After taking a long pull from the straw, he leaned over and kissed me right on the corner of my mouth. If I had blinked, I’d have missed it. One touch from that man and all my 1950’s housewife instincts bubbled up to the surface. I just wanted to make him
a roast and iron his boxers.
Settling my things under the bench, I started helping Casey set up, business as usual. No sooner had we set the cones out, than the kids came barreling onto the field. Just beyond the mob of children was Julian, body drooping, walking with slow, deliberate steps. Until he saw me. When we made visual contact, he came bounding through the kids and landed on the sideline, not a foot from me. Then he looked up at me and gave me a smile with enough energy to power the whole town. I’d take a ball for that kid every day if that was how I’d be repaid.
“Look at you, sweet boy! You sure look happy!” Julian nodded, still smiling, and then I saw it. I leaned in low, whispering an alert just for his ears. “Hey, Julian.” I looked side-to-side, making sure there were no spies around. “I hate to tell you this, but I think someone stole one of your teeth.”
He vigorously shook his head, his giggle fierce. It was like music to my heart. “Two!” he exclaimed in his quiet way as he opened his mouth and pointed. Yep, there it was, another gaping hole. We high-fived at that exciting news.
I watched as Julian settled in his usual spot, but about five minutes into practice, he slowly stood up and crept onto the field. He stopped when he reached Casey. And that’s where he stayed, the complete opposite of the man he followed, like a tiny shadow, for the rest of the hour.
Donna approached me immediately following Julian leaving the sideline for Casey. “I see it, but… ” She stared at the two men who were so quickly becoming a vital part of my existence. “I still just can’t believe it.” She shook her head in the direction of Casey and Julian, and I knew exactly what she meant, but I wanted more.
“Can’t believe what?” I looked at her, but her eyes never left the field.
“I can’t believe you reached the precious soul trapped inside that tiny body.” She nodded to where Julian and Casey were standing once again. She reached down and grabbed my hand. “Thank you.”
My eyes filled with tears at her words. “I think you’re giving me too much credit. Anyone else would have done the exact same thing if put in the position.”