by C. B. Stagg
Our noses were scarcely an inch apart. This, whatever it was, was very real to her. Did I trust her? I did. Or, I thought I did. Maybe I didn’t.
“Damn it!” she resigned, stomping across the room. She found her purse by the door and rummaged through it before grabbing and holding on to something tight in her hand. Turning back to me, she looked at my face and I saw the water in her eyes. This woman was on an emotional roller coaster, forcing me along for the ride. I was clearly in the Twilight Zone. Kris never cried. Ever.
“I met a girl at work, a patient… “ Her voice shook. “She’s actually one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever met, and I guess we’re sort of friends. Sometimes we spend our evenings together, just talking or watching TV—”
I waved my hand at her, motioning for her to get on with it. Inhaling deeply, she blew out a breath for at least five seconds before continuing.
“Okay, okay, so the other day I noticed she had something peculiar, something familiar, and I took it from her without her permission because I thought you’d want to see it.”
What?
“By taking it, I think I took a piece of her. Now I need your help returning it.” She held her closed fist out to me, motioning that I do the same, so I cupped my palms and placed them under hers. She opened her hand, releasing the item into mine. One look at the delicate silver chain and the charm attached filled my eyes with tears and brought me to my knees.
She wiped errant tears from her face, scooped up her purse, and walked toward the door. “I just put my entire career on the line for you. Be ready to go in an hour.”
23-Vaughn
STIR-CRAZY DOESN’T EVEN begin to describe how it felt living in a hospital.
My room was nice, and on really good days I could pretend I was just on vacation. But who goes on vacation to just sit in a hotel room? Sure, there were things to do around the hospital, but I couldn’t go anywhere alone. I was too weak, so that usually meant a wheelchair with an escort. And because of my weakened immune system, I had to wear a mask wherever I went. Add to that my bald head, and it wasn’t a pretty picture.
Finally, the end was in sight. I was thirty-six hours away from my last chemo treatment. As soon as it was over and I’d been monitored for side effects, I had the option to go home. But did I even have a home anymore? I’d seriously considered getting an apartment in Dallas, close to Mr. Preston, at least through the summer. He said I could come stay with him for a while, but that seemed like such an imposition.
I spent the day taking advantage of my energy surge, knowing what the new cycle would bring. Before long, I’d tidied up and taken a nice, relaxing shower. Spent, I crawled back into bed to read while waiting for my dinner to be delivered, when there was a knock on my door.
“Come in!” I yelled. Well, ‘yelled’ may have been a stretch. My voice had changed through the course of my treatment. It was weak and shaky.
“Hey… can I come sit?” It was Kim, whom I hadn’t seen all day.
“Sure.” I gestured toward the chair she usually used, but she came to my bed instead, so I scooted over. “Where’d you go? I thought you’d come by sooner. You know this is my last good day for a while.” I was bored, and she was the only adult in this place who didn’t come with rainbows shooting out her ass.
“Sorry. I had to help a friend.”
A friend, eh? “Ohhhh, I sense a juicy story there. Come on, spill it. You know I live vicariously through you.”
Her laugh was forced and awkward, or at least more awkward than usual. I was so bad at this ‘friend’ thing. Dropping back on the bed, I sighed.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry.”
“No, don’t apologize. How was today for you? Are you holding up okay? Better than the other night?”
“Oh, that?” I waved my hand. “I’ve been okay. I had a mild panic attack when I couldn’t find my necklace, but I called down to the laundry room, and they’re on it. I’m pretty sure—” Movement in the doorway caught my attention.
My heart stopped.
And my breath.
It all just stopped.
Kim stood slowly, moving to stand at the end of my bed and making room for Casey.
Casey…
Casey was standing in my room.
I took him in, head to toe. He looked different—smaller than I remembered. And his face looked like it had aged ten years. But those eyes… That face…
Seeing him was a dream come true and a nightmare all rolled into one.
Kim was teary, holding my foot like she does when she has something bad to tell me. But she’d already told me I had cancer… and she’d already told me I’d never have children. I was fairly sure I wasn’t dying… so I couldn’t understand what was left.
“Are you really here?”
It was such a stupid question, but I had to know. He crossed the room to sit in the spot Kim had just vacated. His scent filled my space, and when he leaned in and wrapped me in his arms, the first tear fell.
Within seconds, sobs wracked my frail body as Casey held me firmly against his chest. I buried my face within the folds of his jacket. He felt like home. I was home. It was the home I’d spent the last month trying to forget.
I had questions, so many questions, but I couldn’t speak. I managed to steal a glance at Kim, where she still stood at the foot of my bed, hands covering her mouth as she cried along with us. When she made a move to leave, I stopped her.
“Wait!” I pulled back from Casey to talk to her, still holding him close, unwilling to let go completely. “How did this happen?” I looked at Casey, touching his face. “Where did you come from?”
She looked over to Casey, eyebrows raised in question. He nodded, signaling her to go on. “When I saw your necklace, I recognized it straightaway. I happen to be very familiar with that tattoo.” She said the words with a sad smile.
I looked at Casey. He was watching her intently, but he grabbed my hands in his, squeezing them.
“My name is Kristina Kim. It was Kristina—Kris Clark, until about a month ago… ”
He was watching me again, and the weight of their stares was too much. I wordlessly looked between the two, trying to connect the dots, wanting to completely understand. I had no idea what he knew.
“Vaughn, remember what we talked about.” I focused on my doctor, my friend, seeing her through new eyes. “Your life isn’t ending. It’s just beginning. I’ll be back in about an hour. Case, you can stay at my apartment if you want. I’m on for the next eighteen hours, so I’ll be around.” She left, closing the door softly behind her.
Casey stood and paced the room, running his fingers through his hair over and over again. “Why? Why wouldn’t you tell me?” His pleading tone was causing guilt to bubble up in me like boiling water. “I could have been here for you. I could have taken care of you.”
I knew he’d have done all that and more, but at what cost? His job? His sanity? That’s not what he signed up for when he met me. He didn’t deserve any of this. “I know, but when they found the mass—”
He stopped right in front of me, and placed his hands on my face, tipping it up to look at him. “When they found the mass, I should have been right there with you. I should have been holding your hand, asking questions, listening to our options. Because there is no you and me, or mine and yours, Vaughn. There’s us and we and our. We’re a package deal in life. This was our fight, not just yours.”
I’d read him wrong. He wasn’t angry. He was hurt, disappointed. He was devastated.
“Casey, please. Sit down and listen to me.” And he did, right beside me, where I could smell him and touch him and see him up close.
“Look… “ It was hard to find the words. “When the doctor started talking to me, I was in shock. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. And by the time I did, I was on my way to Houston. Within an hour of my arrival, I was whisked here and prepped for surgery. It all happened so fast. I was going to call you after the surgery when we knew what the
mass was, but then… ”
I didn’t know how to say what needed to be said. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into his arms and beg for his forgiveness. To beg and plead for him to take me away from this sad, awful place and keep me safe for the rest of my life. But I knew things he didn’t know. And once he found out, he’d understand why I did what I did.
“But then you were diagnosed with cancer, right?”
I looked at him, momentarily surprised that he’d figured it out. But then he stood, tugged my knit cap off, and cradled my head in his hands as he kissed every square inch of my baldness.
And I let him.
I was about to drop a bomb that would change everything, and I needed this memory to get me through.
“Casey, there’s more… ”
“I don’t care. I.” kiss, “Don’t.” kiss, “Care.” He was moving from my head to my cheek, down to my jaw. He meant this to be comforting, but he was making what I had to do impossible.
“Stop!”
He froze.
“Listen. There’s more I need to tell you.”
I pushed him away, he was making it impossible to think. Resuming his seat beside me, he grabbed my hands, but I pulled them away. I’d never be able to do this while touching him.
“This thing, this you and me thing, it just—it isn’t going to work.” I needed to be stronger, more convincing. “It’s not a good idea for me to be in a relationship right now, not with so many unknowns.”
“But, I love you.” Casey said the words easily and simply. “That’s not an unknown. I want to be with you, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Baby, I just found you again. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you go.”
I ordered my body to remain still, focused, but he smelled so good, and my eyes just wanted to drink him in. All I really wanted to do was launch myself at him, but my nurse had come in with my nightly cocktail of drugs almost an hour before he arrived, so I knew I didn’t have long before I’d be out for the night.
Tomorrow. I’d tell him tomorrow. Then he’d know I was broken and he could move on with his life, but for now, I’d allow myself the luxury of his strong arms around me. I wanted something to dream about once he was gone for good.
24-Casey
I WAS CONFUSED.
The impact of her words was like a sucker punch in the gut, leaving me gasping for breath. It had only been a handful of weeks. How could things have changed so completely? What was I missing?
I looked at Vaughn to speak—to rebuke everything she’d just said—but she was peacefully asleep, effectively ending our one-sided conversation. The one where, in three minutes, she’d ripped my heart from my chest and stomped the life out of it.
I had to go. I needed out of that room. Each breath in that place was like poison, destroying what little was left of me.
As I reached for the door handle, I heard the rustle of sheets and Vaughn’s tiny, child-like voice call out for me. “Please stay with me tonight just to hold me while I dream.” She sighed. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet.”
Thirty seconds before, escape had been my goal, a way of preserving what little sanity I had left. But her words, spoken in a semiconscious state, proved what I knew to be true. She loved me. The proof was in the way her body fit around mine, like the missing piece to a puzzle. Now I just had to figure out why she felt the need to push me away.
Kicking off my shoes, I perched myself on the edge of her bed, covering up as best I could. I wrapped her fragile body in my arms as if it was the last time I’d get to hold her. She snuggled into the crook of my arm, resting her head right over my heart. That was her place, and her body knew what to do automatically.
“I love you so much,” she mumbled. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need.”
“Baby, you’re all I need. What can’t you give me?” She was so sweet like this, like an angel.
She scooted her body closer to the edge, seemingly making more room for me. “Children, Casey. I can’t give you children anymore. The cancer took everything from me.”
Since the day we met, I’d wanted to be Vaughn’s shield. I was fierce when it came to her, almost predatory. As long as I was around, she’d be safe. Free from the pain and disappointment she’d had to endure most of her life. But that night, holding Vaughn in my arms, I understood how insignificant I really was in the grand scheme of things.
I had told her I’d keep her safe from harm, and I’d failed.
True to her word, Kris came back in to check on us soon after Vaughn’s revelation. She checked monitors and machines and wrote something down on a clipboard before settling into the chair beside the bed.
“Did she tell you?” Kris sounded exhausted, defeated.
“Yeah. She’s no longer able to have children.” They were hard words to say. Maybe that’s why Vaughn waited until she was half-baked to bring it up.
“So, what’s next?”
The question she asked was a valid one. Kris and I knew that our marriage had been on shaky ground, but the catalyst for divorce had been her refusal to have children and my strong desire to be a father. So the irony of my current situation was not lost on either of us.
Lying in a hospital bed and holding the woman I loved—who’d been fighting cancer alone for the last month and who just told me she no longer had the ability to carry children—really put things into perspective for me. But there was no way in hell I was going home and leaving without my girl.
“I’m not sure yet. What are you thinking?”
“Well, first, you need to know that girl loves you enough to sacrifice her own happiness. Her heart is broken, her soul is shattered.”
“But how do you know that? She’s pushing me away.”
“Of course she’s pushing you away. She knows your last marriage ended because you wanted a child. She’s pushing you away… not because she doesn’t love you… but because she loves you so much she’s willing to give up on her hopes and dreams so you can have what she thinks you want most in this world.”
“What I want most in this world is Vaughn. My love for her is bigger than me.“
The expression that flashed across Kris’s face told me that my words had hurt her. But it was gone in an instant, replaced by the mask she wore so well. I’d lived with this woman for close to ten years, yet I was pretty sure I hardly knew her at all.
“You have to convince her of that. You’ve got to realize that, right now, she’s Humpty Dumpty. She has fallen and now you’re tasked with putting her back together again.”
If she’ll let me.
“You need to know something, Casey. I’m on your side. I want to see you and Vaughn together, so if I can help in any way, just tell me.” She sighed. “But quit looking so guilty every time you talk about her. A blind person could see that you two were meant to be together. It may be awkward, but I’ll get over it. Let’s do what we need to do to get the ‘happily ever after’ you both deserve, okay?”
Kris’s role in all this had been nothing but genuine, which was a true testament to her character. I would never be able to thank her for befriending Vaughn and taking care of her in my absence. Add to that the fact that she risked everything to bring us together again, and I knew my debt to my ex-wife could never be repaid. I also knew that I’d be pushing my luck, asking any more favors of her. I knew it, but over the next few days, I would need to rely heavily on all my friends, including Kris.
“And you know, Casey,” Kris said as she got up to leave. “There are other ways to have the family Vaughn so desperately wants to give you.”
I rested my lips on Vaughn’s hairless head as I thought about what Kris said. That simple statement, whispered into the darkness, completely changed the course of my life.
25-Vaughn
MORE THAN ANYTHING else in the world, I wanted to wake up to the sound of Casey’s heartbeat, but it wasn't to be. His signature woodsy scent that coated my pillow, hanging in the air like a fog, was the o
nly evidence he’d ever been there.
My words had been harsh. They’d been said to hurt. They’d been said to make him leave this place and never look back. But they’d been lies, all of them.
I dreamed of him all night long, making the pain of losing him all over again so much greater once I woke up. Part of me appreciated the opportunity to have closure, but part of me wished he had just stayed away. Having to start the grieving process all over again was unbearable. Sending him packing was like severing an artery, and I wanted to slowly bleed out in peace.
Dr. Kim—Kris—came to personally administer my last chemo treatment.
“We should probably talk about yesterday. I know you sent him away and I want to know why.” She was stiffly going through the treatment preparations, a pinched scowl painted on her face.
“Yeah, we should,” I said, my voice flat, “but I’d rather not.”
I should have just talked to her, knowing I’d be feeling like shit in a few hours, but I wasn’t ready. For weeks, I’d lived in my self-imposed purgatory, only to have her blow it to bits by bringing him into my life again. I had gotten used to the idea of me without Casey. And saying goodbye again had taught me a valuable lesson: broken hearts were still breakable.
She sat on the edge of my bed and looked at me, patiently waiting for a response, like she had nowhere else to be. Clearly, I was in no position to escape. It was a silent game of chicken, and I gave in first.
“Each night, as I place my head on the pillow, I congratulate myself on being so strong. Not because I’m fighting cancer. Being sick and wanting to be well isn’t a choice that takes strength, that’s basic human survival. No, I feel strong because I’ve made it one more day without Casey.” My voice broke, and I had to force air into my lungs. I felt like I was on the last lap of this impossibly long and lonely race. I just needed to cross the finish line with some part of me intact.