by Kurtz, Timna
~*~*~
Memories and thoughts went through my head while I was watching Connor bathing in the island’s pool, diving under the waterfall and returning to peek above the water, sending me happy and loving smiles, splashing water at me and calling me to join him for our nightly dip. I recalled that, in the time that had passed, there were other signs foretelling our reunion. A few days before the beginning of the great floods, I had dreams of his image, lying on the mat and pillows at the front of my house, wearing a robe and holding a scepter…
* * *
Chapter 32
Five or six months had passed since Connor had come to the island and back into my life.
During these months, he naturally found himself a place next to me as a leader of the tribe. He showed extraordinary talents and abilities, which he shared with everyone, teaching us and giving us his ancient knowledge. As he was a citrus grower and a farmer in the old world, he knew the different kinds of soil very well. His vast experience taught us how to match the terrain with the types of seeds we had, and already the crops that followed were growing in their proper place, yielding better produce.
Soon Connor started making our first tools of trade—sharpened and jagged stone heads to make our work easier. Later on, he taught anyone who showed an interest how to make the tools, and after a short while, we had a variety of different tools designed to make our lives easier.
An additional quality that the tribe members had discovered in Connor was his great sensitivity to everyone. It was obvious he could ‘read’ their feelings and sensations. He knew how to identify each member’s special abilities and traits and delegated the right authorities and tasks to suitable people. He gave his full and undivided attention and listened attentively to each person he talked to and then provided simple feedbacks without judgment or criticism. He was all about unparalleled containment and endless giving. It is no wonder then that the tribe accepted him with a great deal of love.
I walked alongside Connor like a queen. His presence filled me with wonderful energy, his love filled all the voids in me and brought out all the good in me together with my hidden strengths, which I used to navigate and guide the entire tribe, solving disputes and differences when these came about.
This was the time in which the monthly menstruation started appearing again in most of the women, and the first gathering of the moon cycle went up to the sacred cave in the time of the full moon. This is how the monthly timing for menstruating was set.
One after the other the women adjusted their menstruation cycles to the lunar cycle. And so, once a month, on the three days in which the moon was full, we would go up to the cave and celebrate the regeneration of life.
It wasn’t long after that the first few women had conceived a pregnancy. But for the sake of the tribe, it was agreed by all that the identities of the fathers would not be disclosed—and so the child would receive love and nurturing from a few different fathers. Instead of rivalry, jealousy, and envy, our children would gain the love of the entire tribe.
Jamila and Ibrahim were the only ones who did not participate in the tribe’s rituals, and it was accepted by all. Jamila was one of the first to conceive, despite the fact that she was still breastfeeding little Attalla—who grew up to become a sweet and chubby little baby, crawling everywhere on all fours, getting lots of love and attention. He was everyone’s baby, and definitely the source of the tribe’s joy of life.
Chamid, Attalla’s real father, was recuperating slowly and was the only one who had difficulty functioning. Even on better days, he was still depressed, and most of the time his skin tone looked grey and sickly. I watched how he followed large Violet with his eyes, who was also showing a little bump forming on her lower abdomen, and her face would light up each time she touched her stomach. The only one glowing more than her—was the happy father to be, Roan. Here, there was no doubt as to the father’s identity. Perhaps it was Roan’s size or Violet’s size that deterred many of the tribe’s men from interfering with these two. Although there were a few women who desired Roan, his eyes and heart were given only to his amazon woman.
Chamid was the only one who dared follow Violet. But, as mentioned before, he was probably intimidated as well from Roan’s size and respected Violet’s pregnancy. He did not act upon it but only sank back into depression.
Compared to Chamid, Chassan was very successful with the younger women of the tribe. Once he shaved off his thick mustache, his handsome face was revealed and even his very young age. As it turns out, he wasn’t even twenty years old, but that did not stop the young women from seeking his company, although most of them were a few years older than him.
Very quickly Chassan befriended Billy and drew inspiration from his sensitive behavior, which was mainly expressed by the special attention he had learned to give to women. Chassan liked the company of Ana, who since Eddie died seemed to have lost interest in men, but now accepted Chassan’s gentle wooing gestures. Very soon, she told us at one of the moon gatherings in the sacred cave, she was pregnant as well.
About five or six women were already expecting, the crops bore fruit and the food around us was abundant. Life went into routine, and the tribe members were relaxed and full of faith and hope.
Jack started taking short trips to the islands that seemed to be an acceptable distance away. He would take provisions for the trip, and sometimes, for the longer trips, he would take a friend or two. Now that his role as the tribe’s protector was almost redundant, he preferred to sail and explore looking for discoveries rather than sit with nothing to do and watch how Connor was conquering his place as leader of the tribe and in my heart. But despite Connor’s embracing love, I kept Jack’s place in my heart as well, just as I had promised to him. Each time he returned from his voyages, I would wait excitedly on the shore line and welcome his return with love. Most of the time he would come back eager for me and my body, and so we would retire to commune and make love in our waterfall cave. There, after we were satisfied, he would tell me all about what he had seen and the discoveries he had made. Every once in a while, he would bring me seeds of new plants, and sometimes kinds of new fruit, especially little nuts he collected on other islands. On one island he had found evidence of the existence of birds but could not find any conclusive evidence. Therefore, he planned to go back there for surveillance with a few more friends.
The only thing he didn’t encounter was other survivors. Each time he would leave on one of his trips, I prayed anxiously that he would not encounter Cole. But with time, when there were no signs of other survivors, my concerns dissipated, and Jamila’s prophecy of wrath was also pushed to the edge of my memory. Life continued to flow easily.
On the days when Jack was absent, Connor and I would take over the waterfall cave with our love. Connor did not like the idea of sharing me with other men but accepted that he should comply with the tribe’s rules, which he was very familiar with.
“Just don’t tell me when and where… I simply do not want to know!” which he said only once, making his standing on the matter clear—and said no more.
On other days, when no hidden and intimate spot could be found, we arrived at the little cave, the one that ignited the vibe in me but I did not explore yet—and there we would make love, vibrating at an amazing intensity, in a crazy and sensual delirium. We both felt each time anew, like the first time we ever made love.
It was quite obvious to me that the vibe in this cave was the cause of those fortitudes. We were certain it is what the cave was for. Surely the place where the vibe is most intense would be the place where I’d finally be able to conceive.
But my moon cycle refused to arrive. Although there were women who got their periods already but did not yet conceive, or preferred to wait with their pregnancy, my body refused to sync itself to the full moon. Month after month I would lead the women of the tribe to the gathering in the cave, where we celebrated our fertility, cleansing and purifying our bodies and nourishing the soil
with our blood.
Each time I would shed my personal frustrations all over again and comply with the vibe that guided me through the rituals. The only one I poured my heart to was Jamila. After comforting me, she would add and imply that I had not yet let go of the past.
“Only if you let past rest, you get blood. You think all time, what if Connor remember what was. You think maybe better telling him. You not listen to Jamila! Past dead! I tell you many time—Connor love you with all heart and he not care! You see he not ask you about past, so why you afraid? You want girl baby? You stop be afraid, ‘mazbut?!’ (o.k.?!)” This is how she kept preaching to me, and I would smile sadly.
“Look at the irony,” I told her one of those times. “The great mother has no blood! Like the high priestess’s in the temple, that had no children. Maybe this is my fate?” I tried not to believe it, but doubts started creeping into my heart.
“You talk bullshit too much!” Jamila interrupted what little self-pity I allowed myself to have by raising her arm, and that concluded the subject. But between me and myself, I didn’t really let go of the past. I was sure that back then, when Connor left my house for the last time, I had cried all my separation pain away.
I always believed that the wounds of the past should be healed well, and if they start bothering you again, it is probably because they did not completely heal the first time around or they were not cared for properly, which forces us to reopen the wounds and apply a deeper and more thorough healing action.
Perhaps in this case, an additional “Therapy” was required too? And maybe Jamila was right? Indeed, Connor never asked me anything, and each time he saw me being dragged away with gloomy thoughts, he would literally prevent me from opening my mouth and pouring out the tales of the past.
“I do not need any closure or to pry open old wounds in order to know and understand what my heart is telling me. The past does not interest me—it is wiped away and dead! I love you, my sweet, pretty, silly girl. The only thing that connects me to the past is the knowledge that even then I loved you with the same intensity. It is a strong internal awareness, and nothing that you tell me can change that! You are the most amazing, smart, talented, beautiful and sexy woman I have ever met. What more do you want me to say for you to be sure of my love?” This he would repeat and say.
As time passed, he learned to identify the grey expression on my face, and would take me for a stroll to the small cave, and there shower me with love and passion that would cause me to forget the past for a few days.
But each time the questions came up, the dispute with myself would bother me again, and the past refused to let go.
In my dreams I saw time after time symbols and arrows under the water, leading to unclear destinations. I would track them by quickly flying over the sea, hoping and wishing to see where they lead to, but would find myself back in the little vibrating cave. It was clear to me that the cave had a major significance to me, but apart from arrows to Connor’s and my past, I could see no other interpretation of those dreams.
Because I would go up to the sacred cave every month to perform the moon ceremonies, I no longer went by myself for personal vision and purification dips. I spent my time between one ceremony to the next divided between Connor, Jezebel and my plants and of course everything that had to do with leading the tribe.
When another moon cycle ended without me menstruating, I started to feel the sacred cave calling me once more, to come and unite with the water. It was like the cave heard my heart, and called me to return to cleanse and purify my soul, to reopen it anew. The moon was nearing its fullness, and strange tingling sensations passed through my body, especially in the area of my lower abdomen, hinting of a nearing change…
A jet of cool water flew out of the pool which took me by surprise and totally soaked me, waking me abruptly from my pondering. Above the water peeked Connor’s smiling face, giggling when he saw my startled reaction.
“I have to tell you a secret!” he swam closer to me, leaving his head above the water. “Even when I dove in the water I could hear the wheels in your brain, chewing and grinding your thoughts. Will you stop already??!!!” He reached me and without waiting for an answer, grabbed my feet and pulled me into the water.
I fell into the pool laughing so hard I almost choked from the water I had swallowed. I coughed in between giggles when I came up, inhaling deeply, attempting to regulate my breathing. Connor’s arms surrounded me in the water, pinning me to him in a long and watery movement. He kissed me gently, licking the water off my wet lips.
“Alright. O.k. I give up. If you so desperately want to tell me what happened in the past, in the old world that came and separated us—I’m all ears! Let’s get this over with once and for all. But let me be clear, after that I do not want to hear any more on the subject! Absolutely nothing! This will be settled right here and now, and maybe finally rest will come to your delirious mind, and your beautiful turquoise eyes will be clear again,” he kissed each eye separately. “Is it acceptable?” He distanced his head to hear my answer checking the expressions on my face.
“As it turns out, this time I wasn’t thinking of the past at all!” I smiled cunningly at the sight of his mouth that opened up in surprise. His chin jokingly lowered, going up and down without uttering a word while I was laughing at the fiery speech he had just given me.
“I have to get to the sacred cave for a purification dip,” I explained my intentions. “No problem. In a couple of days, you can go up again with all the women. A day after tomorrow, in the evening the moon will be full.” He smiled and tightened his arms around me, starting to nibble on my neck.
“Actually, there is a problem. You will be gone for three days, I will be forced to hold on and not be able to touch you and smell you and kiss you…” he counted all three no’s while demonstrating live what he would be forced to miss when I was gone.
“Hmmm… I certainly understand you…” I accepted the nibbling on my neck and the sweet little kisses with pleasure. “But I need to go up to the cave alone, without the other women, preferably before the moon gathering. The cave is calling me. There is a vision waiting to be revealed. Many months have passed since I last united with myself. In fact, the last time was exactly the same day you arrived on the island,” I recalled my last voyage into the endless space. “I haven’t had any visions since. Only dreams about arrows, symbols, and incomprehensive maps that lead to nowhere,” I exhaled in frustration. “I feel as if things are about to change, and I should prepare for them. This is what I do each time there is a scent of change in the air—I go up to the cave and receive the visions and interpretations of what is to come.” I put my arms around his neck, pinning my naked body to his, wrapping my legs around his waist, feeling his immediate arousal. “I will be happy if you accompany me there tomorrow. I have a feeling I will need someone at my side, and I will feel more confident knowing it is you,” I whispered lovingly to him. I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather have beside me in that moment…
* * *
Chapter 33
The next day at noon, when most of the tribe members were resting under the trees in the shade, I climbed together with Connor to the sacred cave. It was a relatively hot hour, and we reached the summit panting and sweating from the climb. The idea of dipping into the cool waters seemed most inviting and tempting now, despite the knowledge that the vision I was about to witness would not be simple at all.
“Ever since you healed me here, I wanted to come back to the cave,” Connor confessed when we squeezed through the narrow and dark opening, making our way into the sacred cave’s cavity. “I keep feeling a strange pull to this place,” he described a sensation similar to my vibe.
I laughed and told him shortly about the origins of my vibe and the holy waters, about the little crack that had become an opening and about the hurricane storm that shook the entire island together with our lives.
When we stood in front of the altar basin, on top of which
had become the flowing current of the white waterfall, I told him of Eddie’s death and the symbolism of the event. “We all received an opportunity to start over, and most of the people indeed took that opportunity into their own hands and accepted the new ways into their hearts. But I find it hard to believe it is possible to completely wipe out the past…” A slight pain crept into my voice. “I understand you loved him very much,” Connor put a loving and comforting arm on my shoulders. “I loved him, yes. And although this was a very bad kind of love, I learned that the past is indeed gone. I didn’t need to keep on living in Eddie’s shadow, and that there was no more room in my life for lack of self-esteem. On the contrary, the more Eddie clung to the past, the more I felt the need to shed my past baggage and start to fulfill the purpose for which I was put on this earth, even when it was crystal clear to me that we were drifting apart forever. On the other hand—” I turned to Connor with a smile— “Loving you gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for! The ability to finally love and accept myself, and because of that—” I wrapped my arms around his neck and warmly clung to — “You are my loved one, my white eagle, the love of my life…” I kissed his lips with excitement, knowing that by doing that I was flaming the passion that at the time could only get in the way of revealing the information I had come to the sacred cave to get. Connor immediately responded to my enthusiasm and carried me lightly towards the flowing altar as we were kissing and giggling with pleasure.
“Take off your clothes!” he commanded with an ‘intimidating’ smile and started peeling the clothes off me even before I had a chance to comply.