by Kevin Kwan
Nick pulled her into an embrace. “I love you, Mrs. Young.”
“And I love you. But who says I’m going to take your name?”
Nick frowned like a hurt child, and then broke out into a grin. “You don’t have to take my name, hon. You can be Rachel Rodham Chu for all I care.”
“You know what I realized today? Rachel Chu was the name my mother gave me, but it turned out not to be my name. And even though my father’s last name is Bao, that really wasn’t his name either. The only name that’s truly all mine is Rachel Young, and that’s a choice I’m making.”
Nick gave Rachel a long tender kiss as the wedding guests broke out into applause. Then he waved for everybody to join them on the dance floor, and as Cyndi Lauper continued her song, the newlyweds began to sing along:
If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me,
time after time.
* * *
* Kopi is Singlish slang for coffee. “Kopi license” refers to any sort of license or certificate that was obtained not by true merit but by paying a small bribe to an official—enough for him or her to buy a coffee with. Though the term is used to insult doctors, lawyers, or some other qualified individual, it is most often used while swearing at bad drivers, who surely must have bribed the examiner in order to pass their driving test. (Believe it or not, Asians can sometimes be bad drivers too.)
PART TWO
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
—DOROTHY PARKER
1
KO-TUNG CONSULTING GROUP
SOCIAL IMPACT ASSESSMENT
Prepared for Mrs. Bernard Tai by Corinna Ko-Tung
April 2013
Let us be completely frank and start with the obvious: Your former name was Kitty Pong, and you were not born on Hong Kong Island, Kowloon, or any of the surrounding islands that make up the former British Crown Colony of Hong Kong. Remember, for the crowd you seek to impress, your money means nothing. Especially these days, when twentysomething Mainlanders have burst onto the scene with billions apiece, the old guard have resorted to new ways of stratifying themselves. What matters more than ever now are bloodlines and when your family first made its money. Which province of China did your family originate from? Which dialect group? Were they part of the tightly knit Chiu-Chow clans, or the Shanghai émigré class? Are you second-, third-, or fourth-generation rich? And how was the fortune made? Was it in textiles or property (pre–Li Ka-Shing or post-1997)? Every minute detail matters. For instance, you can have ten billion dollars but still be considered nothing more than a speck of dirt by the Keungs, who are down to their last hundred million but can trace their lineage to the Duke of Yansheng.*1 Over the next few months, I intend to change the narrative about you. We will take your most embarrassing biographical details and turn them into assets. We will do this in a variety of ways. Let us begin.
APPEARANCE
Physique and Features
First of all, the breast reduction was one of the most astute moves you could have made, and your physique is now optimal. Before your surgery, your hourglass figure only served to fuel the rumors of your cinematic extracurricular activities, but now you have the body shape considered ideal to the women you seek to cultivate—delicately emaciated, with just a hint of a well-managed eating disorder. Please do not lose any more weight.
I must also commend your surgeon on a remarkable job on your face (remind me to get his name from you—for some of my other clients, of course). The rounder curves of your cheeks have been sculpted down and your nose has been exquisitely reshaped. (Admit it: You copied Cecilia Cheng Moncur’s nose, didn’t you? I would recognize that patrician bump anywhere.) But now you run the risk of looking too perfect, and this will only incite jealousy from your social competitors. So please refrain from any further procedures in the immediate future. No more fillers for now, and the Botox injections to your forehead are also no longer necessary, as I would like to see a few fine lines develop in the area between your eyebrows. We can always erase them in the future, but for the time being, possessing the ability to make tiny frowns will allow you to convey empathy.
Hair
Your long jet-black hair is one of your best features, but the high ponytails and dramatic updos you currently favor convey a look of aggression. When you enter a room, the ladies immediately think, “This woman is either going to steal my husband, my baby, or my yoga mat.” I recommend wearing your hair down in a more layered look for most occasions, and swept into a relaxed low chignon for formal occasions. Your hair also needs to be colored to add some brown lowlights, as this will soften your features overall. I will refer you to Ricky Tseung at ModaBeauty on Seymour Terrace in Mid-Levels. You are no doubt accustomed to some overpriced salon located in one of the fancier hotels, but trust me, Ricky is someone you must cultivate. Not only is he a bargain, he is the hairdresser of choice to ladies from the best families—Fiona Tung-Cheng, Mrs. Francis Liu, Marion Hsu. When you first meet Ricky, tell him absolutely nothing about yourself (he will already know far too much). Over time, I will craft anecdotes that you can share with him (i.e., your daughter’s ability to sing “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly” in a perfect Cockney accent, the injured Siamese cat that you rescued, anonymously paying for a former teacher’s chemotherapy bills, etc.). These tales will make their way into the ears of all the right ladies. Note: You do not need to tip Ricky, since he is the owner of the salon. But occasionally, you can feed him some Cadbury chocolate. He loves expensive chocolates!
Makeup
Your makeup, unfortunately, requires a complete overhaul. The tofu-milk skin and cherry-red lips no longer suit you—now that you are a respectable wife and mother, it is essential that you no longer appear like the unattainable object of fantasy for pubescent boys. We need to create a visage that is pleasing and nonthreatening to well-bred women of all age groups. You want your color and complexion to look as if you only spent fifty seconds on it because you were too busy repotting tulips in your garden. I will accompany you to Germaine, my beauty consultant at the Elizabeth Arden counter at Sogo Causeway Bay. (You need not actually buy all your new products at Arden—they are far too overpriced. We can pick up new cosmetics at Mannings Pharmacy, but you will buy one or two lipsticks at Arden in order to qualify for the free consultation and makeover. I may also have an additional coupon for a free gift with purchase—please remind me.)
Other Grooming Suggestions
Discontinue the use of nail polish in red or any shades of red. (Yes, pink is a shade of red.) This is nonnegotiable—you must remember that we have the Herculean task of removing any connotations of talons, claws, or grasping hands from your person. If I could get you to wear white gloves or wrap your fingers in rosary beads all the time, I would. From now on, get used to nude nails or monochromatic tones of beige. For special occasions, Jin Soon’s “Nostalgia” is a shade of pink beige polish that I will allow.
In order to further avoid being mistaken for one of those girls who have been set up with a driver and a one-bedroom flat in Braemar Hill, you will also discontinue use of any perfumes or scented products. I will provide you with an essential oil made from ylang-ylang, sage, and other secret ingredients that will make you smell like you have been baking apple tarts all morning.
WARDROBE
I know you have been working with a top Hollywood fashion stylist who introduced you to couture and gave you an avant-garde look. Well, that look achieved its goals—you were noticed. But one of my most urgent goals is to purge you from the photo sections of all the magazines. As I have mentioned to you more than once, the sort of people you are now striving to cultivate prize invisibility more than anything. When was the last time you saw Jeannette Sang or Helen Hou-Tin in the party pages? I’ll tell you the answer: ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR AT MOST. There has been far too much conversation about and coverage on your clothes, and you are more overexposed than the Venus de Milo. It’s now time to evolve into your next p
ersona: Mrs. Bernard Tai—dedicated mother and humanitarian on the rise.
(Please do not ever refer to yourself as a “philanthropist” again. It is the height of pretension. If anyone asks you what you do, say: “I am a full-time mother, and I do some part-time charity work.”)
My assistants and I have done a full assessment and audit of your closet, and you will find that all apparel and accessories deemed appropriate remain as they are, while inappropriate clothing and accessories have been relocated into the second, third, and fourth guest bedrooms (with some additional overflow in the Karaoke room). I hope you are not too alarmed by the rigorous edit we have done. I know the average outfit in your wardrobe costs more than a semester of tuition at Princeton, but it makes you look like a community college during summertime: NO CLASS. From my tally, there are twelve pieces remaining in your closet that are still fit to be seen in public, and three handbags. (Four, actually—I will allow you to carry the Olympia Le Tan “To Kill a Mockingbird” book clutch on special occasions, only because it has such noble connotations.) Please see APPENDIX A, which lists all approved designers and brands for your new wardrobe. Any designers not listed there are off-limits for the next year, with one exception: You should under no circumstances wear Roberto Cavalli ever again. Please do not think me brutal: I have specially curated this list in order for you to be dressed elegantly—but forgettably—in daily life. As Coco Chanel said, “Dress impeccably and they notice the woman.”
For big functions (and you will only be attending a few in the next year), we will choose an elegant gown that exudes a quiet luxury. (Please google “Queen Rania of Jordan” for some examples.)
JEWELRY
The vast majority of your jewelry is of such a size and flamboyance that it crosses the point of vulgarity and enters into a territory that can only be described as obscene. Don’t you realize that at your age, big gemstones only serve to make you seem older? As they say, “The larger the diamonds, the older the wife, the more the mistresses.” You do not need to look like a sixtysomething matron who has been placated with jewels by a husband who is keeping girlfriends in every province of China. All the pieces not listed below—especially the 55-carat diamond ring given to you by Her Majesty the Sultana of Borneo—should be stored in your vault for the foreseeable future. Evening jewelry for official functions will be negotiated on a case-by-case basis, but your daytime jewelry will now be restricted to the following:
• Wedding band (not your Tiffany one but your original wedding ring from the Little Chapel of the West in Las Vegas)
• Graff 4.5-carat diamond solitaire ring
• Mikimoto pearl stud earrings
• Lynn Nakamura Tahitian black pearl drop earrings
• K. S. Sze single-strand champagne pearl necklace
• 3-carat pear-shaped diamond earrings (to be worn only with extremely casual sportswear—which creates a refreshingly unexpected juxtaposition and makes the size of the gemstones acceptable)
• L’Orient ruby ring on tension mounting
• Carnet orchid brooch
• Pomellato Madera quartz ring
• Edward Chiu diamond-and-jade tennis bracelet
• Vintage Cartier Tank Américaine wristwatch
To this collection, you should add a few fun, cheap trinkets to wear—like some Tibetan prayer beads, a Jawbone UP band, a child’s toy necklace, or a rubber wristband supporting some charitable cause. This will further solidify the notion that you are Mrs. Bernard Tai, and you no longer have anything to prove to anyone!
LIFESTYLE
Interior Design and Decoration
Kaspar von Morgenlatte did an admirable job with your apartment, but the look is somewhat outdated and more than a little disturbing. (If I recall, the design concept was commissioned by your husband in the early 2000s to evoke the Miami Beach bachelor pad of a Bolivian drug cartel kingpin. This was done extremely successfully. I particularly admired the “chalk body outline” mother-of-pearl inlay on the ebony wood floor and the trompe l’oeil “bullet marks” on your master bedroom headboard, but I think that it would be inadvisable to host a children’s birthday party here, especially while those Lisa Yuskavage paintings are still hanging.)
Rather than attempt a decor overhaul, which would take far too long anyway, I think you should instead be on the hunt for a new property. Living in a penthouse at Optus Towers sends the wrong message at this stage in your life—you are neither the second son of a tycoon nor the managing director of some third-tier Swiss bank. It may have been designed by that famous American architect (overrated, in my opinion), but it is not considered one of the “good family” buildings. I would like to see you relocate to a house in one of the neighborhoods on the south side of the island—Repulse Bay, Deep Water Bay, or even Stanley. This will send the message that you are a seriously committed wife and mother (never mind all the French expats in Stanley that ought to be committed).
Art Collection
I was expecting to see The Palace of Eighteen Perfections in the pride of place at your apartment. Where is it? I would suggest integrating a few important works of art into your collection. The contemporary Chinese artists are completely overbought at the moment, and don’t even get me started on the Americans. But German photography might be an interesting option for you—I think it would give your collection some sorely needed gravitas and gain you notice in serious collector circles if you were to possess one of Thomas Struth’s epic images of pharmaceutical plants, Candida Höfer’s riveting studies of municipal libraries in Lower Saxony, or a delightful grouping of rusting water towers by Bernd und Hilla Becher.
Household
I am very pleased to observe that your domestic help are well treated and have actual bedrooms. (You wouldn’t believe how many people I personally know who force their helpers*2 to sleep in spaces no larger than closets or pantry rooms, and yet have spare bedrooms filled with clothes, shoes, or Lladro figurines.) Instead of making them wear those French maid uniforms, might I suggest a smart modern uniform of navy blouses and white cotton slacks from J. Crew? Remember—your domestic helpers will talk with other domestic helpers on their days off, and having a reputation as a benevolent mistress will only further your cause.
TRANSPORT
Automobiles
You should no longer be chauffeured around in that Rolls-Royce. I have always felt that unless one is either over sixty years of age or in possession of a silver helmet of hair that resembles Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s, being seen in a Rolls is completely ridiculous. Instead, please purchase a Mercedes S-Class, Audi A8, or BMW 7 Series like everyone else. (Or if you are feeling particularly brave, a Volkswagen Phaeton.) We can discuss the possibility of a Jaguar after one year, depending on your social standing then.
Aircraft
Your Gulfstream V is perfectly acceptable. (Please do not upgrade to the GVI yet, at least until Yolanda Kwok takes delivery of hers. She will be furious if you get one before she does and will block your Chinese Athletic Association membership application.)
DINING
The restaurants that you customarily patronize are deplorable. They are filled with nothing but expats, soap opera stars, social climbers, and—most disagreeable of all—foodies. As part of my new campaign to associate you only with establishment circles, you can no longer risk being seen at any trendy “culinary destinations.” If a restaurant is less than two years old or has been featured in Hong Kong Tattle or Pinnacle Magazine in the past eighteen months, I consider it trendy. Please see APPENDIX B for a list of approved dining clubs and restaurants with private dining rooms. Six months from now, if I feel that you have reached a certain threshold of social acceptability, I will arrange for you to be snapped by paparazzi eating a bowl of wonton noodles at a dai pai dong.*3 This will do wonders for your image, and I can already picture the headline: “Social Goddess Unafraid to Dine with the Masses.”
SOCIAL LIFE
Your social resurrection will first begin wi
th social death. For the next three months, you will completely disappear from the scene. (Take a trip, spend time with your child, or why not both?) You will therefore refrain from attending social functions held at any retail establishment or designer boutique—until the right people begin inviting you. (An invitation from the PR firm is not acceptable; a handwritten note from Mr. Dries Van Noten requesting the honor of your presence is.) You will also refrain from all random receptions, gala dinners, annual balls, fund-raising benefits, charity auctions, “cocktail parties in aid of” anything, polo matches, tastings, or any other events that you would instinctually feel compelled to attend. After your three-month purgatory, we will slowly reintroduce you to the world in a series of carefully choreographed appearances. Depending on how well you perform, I may orchestrate further invitations to select events in London, Paris, Jakarta, and Singapore. Dipping your toes in the international scene will further enhance your reputation as “one to watch.” (Note: Ada Poon didn’t begin to receive invitations to Lady Ladoorie’s annual garden party until she was seen attending Colin Khoo and Araminta Lee’s wedding in Singapore.)
TRAVEL
I know you’ve been going to Dubai, Paris, and London for your holidays, but that’s what every common jet-setter in Hong Kong does these days. To stand out from the crowd, you need to begin traveling to new locales to demonstrate that you are someone of originality and interest. This year, I suggest that you plan a tour of famous religious pilgrimage sites such as the Shrine of Our Lady of Fatima in Portugal, the Sanctuary of Lourdes in France, and Santiago de Compostela in Spain. Be sure to post pictures of these places on your Facebook. In this way, even if you are photographed biting into a Galician ham croquette, people will still associate you with the Blessed Virgin Mother. If this trip goes well, we can organize a visit to Oprah’s schools in South Africa next year.